Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Papa's in the House

Last night I watched the Republican debate televised from Las Vegas. I think debates are pretty interesting, so I've watched all of them. I will not betray the trust the Boy Scouts of America vested in me when I was awarded the Citizenship in the Nation merit badge. This is also why I remain committed to sharing Indian Lore with strangers. My grasp of Indian Lore peaks somewhere around: "American Indians glue beads to turkey feathers."

As I watched the debate, I decided we should just let Herman Cain be president and make a blanket decision that all American presidents must also be pizza executives. Imagine the mileage we could get out of this guy:



A friend of mine recently pointed out that Papa John never blinks in commercials. And the two qualities I value most in presidential candidates are (1) pizza experience, and (2) lidless eyes.

Plus, this Papa John's commercial could easily be aired as a campaign video at little to no cost:



Substitute "Papa's in the house" with "Papa's in the White House" and this is exactly what an American public that craves pizza-related experience wants in a candidate.

I am dying for the day when the most important qualification for president isn't whether or not you've worked in the private sector, been a governor, opposed the incumbent president, or maintained an admirable voting record, but whether or not you've ever worked in pizza.

I dream of a day when this is a common concern for candidates: "What do you say to allegations that you don't own a pizza company?"

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Pants, Songs, and Zombies

Every once in a while a grown man has to take off his pants and play Super Nintendo in his apartment. I've decided pants can be a bit constricting, and so sometimes I don't wear them when I'm alone in my apartment. Also, I sometimes play Super Nintendo in this pantsless condition, because I'm an adult.

This becomes sort of weird, (because it wasn't before), whenever someone knocks on my door and I have to yell "just a minute" while I put my pants back on. It's even weirder if I have to admit, "yes, I just now put on pants." But no more. Next time I slowly answer my door and you think, "he just barely put on pants," don't be upset because I'm living the dream and you aren't.

But that's not the main thing I wanted to talk about. I recently made a song, and I think you should go ahead and listen to it. I recommend listening to it with headphones at a reasonably high volume. Here it is:
Get Frantic by craigblake

If you'd like to download this song for free, or listen to and download other songs I've made, feel free to visit this website. Both our dreams are about to come true.

Last, I had an argument today with a certain Brad about whether the zombies in the 2007 Will Smith zombie-thriller, I Am Legend, are zombies or vampires.

Brad's View: They are vampires.
Craig's View: They are crappy-looking zombies.

I think we both had some good points there, but I will summarize a few more by copy and pasting portions of our chat:

PRECURSOR TO DEBATE!

11:00 AM Bradley: Can u imagine a tiger zombie?
11:01 AM me: That is too awesome for me to imagine.

EARLY IN THE DEBATE!

11:05 AM Bradley: : "Amazon.com Review. One of the most influential vampire novels of the 20th century, I Am Legend regularly appears on the "10 Best" lists of numerous critical studies of the horror genre. Vampires. I rest my case."
11:06 AM me: "That's nonsense. Amazon.com reviews are written by criminals and sexual degenerates."

A FEW MINUTES LATER!

11:08 AM Bradley: "I think that would make them more ghouls, not zombies. If you are thinking of something such as night of the living dead.
11:09 AM me: "Night of the Living Dead is no ghoul movie! That's crazy talk. It's totally a zombie movie. There is no such thing as a 'Ghoul Movie.'"

A FEW MORE MINUTES LATER!

11:16 AM me: "Well, either way, in the movie, they are totally zombies. They're just crappy, over-produced zombies."
11:16 AM Bradley: "I disagree. I just Googled it. Apparently it is quite a discussion."
11:17 AM me: "I will not yield. I will not waver."
11:18 AM Bradley: "Haha. I just broke my pen out of anger."

Anyway, I think you can tell we won't be resolving this issue today. Meanwhile, here are two zombie movies I've seen that maybe you haven't. Considering it's nearly Halloween, maybe you should:

Black Sheep
- I'm not exactly sure whether I should call this a "zombie sheep" or "weresheep" movie, but it was first introduced to me as a "zombie sheep" movie. So I'm going to stick with that. Want to see a sheep drive a truck? This movie is for you. Here is the trailer:


Dead Snow - This is a movie about Nazi Zombies, which is a difficult combination to beat. Also, this movie features zombies that occasionally pop directly out of the ground with no explanation on how they strategically burrowed to that position. And that is something special. Here is that trailer:


Final Note: Every time I discuss zombies, I think it's important to post this popular picture of a zombie that looks EXACTLY like me. This zombie isn't me. I know that's hard to believe.

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Series of Unrelated Thoughts


Do people honestly listen to Sting anymore? I saw a Facebook ad for Sting today. It made me wonder who in the Sting-marketing department thought, "This thumbnail photo of Sting might be an effective marketing tool for Generation X." Worse, it made me wonder which of my online activities made Facebook think that I am part of the Sting target market. "Craig liked The Three Musketeers in 1993. Sell him Sting until his eyes bleed." I feel like, at this point in time, if you haven't committed to listening to Sting, it's too late to start. I don't think too many 25 year-olds in 2011 think, "You know, it's about time I gave Sting a whirl."

Do you know how expensive Doritos are? I was recently shocked to find out that a bag of Doritos costs nearly $4. The average cost for a gallon of gas is $3.50. A gallon of Doritos is far beyond that. My advice: invest in Doritos. Not the company, I mean actually purchase a bag of Doritos and hide it under a floorboard in your house. In 20 years, you can turn that Doritos bag in for two Doritos bags. It's simple economics. By then we may be on the Doritos Standard anyway.

I am currently interning at the state Public Defender's office in Denver. One of my favorite television characters, Sandy Cohen (The OC), was a public defender. But my memory of that show depicts him practicing law whenever he chose to, and spending the rest of his time surfing or liesurely dealing with his wife's alcoholism. Alas, that isn't the case. I don't even have a wife.

I love watching Ancient Aliens. My favorite thing about Ancient Aliens is that they repeatedly interview the most credible-looking guy ever:

People see this man in interviews and they think, "reliable man of science." I will summarize some actual points this man has made: "That old statue looks like aliens." - "How do we know potholes weren't left by a giant alien car?" - "Egyptian Gods are dingo-headed aliens." - "That rock formation looks like an alien portal into another dimension..and consequently, that's exactly what it is." - "That ancient Pharoah had a funny head, because his father was an alien." - "Chinese dragons were alien spaceships." - "History is important...aliens."

Anyway, I'm going to make a noble effort to blog more often. I apologize for my recent blog-keeping failures.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Girl Power: Tough Girl Bands

Here's the meanest thing I said to someone today:

Craig: Excuse me, I'm looking for a humidifier. Do you know where I might look?
Terse Walmart Employee: We don't carry those during this season.
Craig: In the middle of the summer?
Terse Walmart Employee: We only carry them in the winter.
Craig: That's nonsense.

Turns out it was nonsense, because I eventually found one. Now when I sleep my body will finally be soaking wet! Every morning I wake up disappointed that I'm not completely drenched from head to foot, my sheets sopping. Problem solved.

Anyway, that isn't what this post is about. This post is about tough girl bands. You could call that last bit the opening act, if you wanted.

For about two years I've been into what I like to call "tough girl bands." Strong lady bands you could call them, if you wanted. Some are all women, some have mostly women, and some simply have a female lead singer. To have a female lead singer is my minimum requirement to be considered a tough girl band. But being a girl isn't all you need, you also have to be sort of tough. The following featured bands have differing levels of toughness. I think they're pretty tough.

Anyway, here you are:

--TOUGH GIRL BANDS
--

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts:


Obviously, Joan Jett is a tough girl. She is sort of the Godmother of all other tough girls. I imagine the three other men in her band were also tough, because they are all wearing leather jackets in this photo. I can guarantee you that each person in this photo carries a dangerous knife.

Cherry Bomb -

I Hate Myself For Loving You -

Detroit Cobras:


The Detroit Cobras are who sparked my interest in tough girl bands. They have recorded only one original song and the rest of their tracks are covers. However, they've really toughened the songs up, and they've done a great job of taking ownership of their covers. They are also clearly very tough, and could probably break all your fingers. But they won't, because they're a band, not thugs.

I went to a Detroit Cobra show two weeks ago, and it was awesome. At this show I was attacked by a crazy girl to my left. Eventually this girl worked herself into such a frenzy that she slammed her forehead on the stage and had to leave. That's tough. Because I really like this band, I'm including more of their songs than the other tough girls. All their songs are pretty darn tough, even "It's Raining," which demonstrates that even tough girls have FEELINGS!

Shout Bama Lama -

Out Of This World -

Mean Man -

I Wanna Holler -

It's Raining -

Dream Bitches:


Despite their totally tough name, these gals are probably the least tough of the bunch. You can probably deduce that fact by their really sweet photo here. None of the people in that picture are prepared to choke someone out with a tirechain. Still, I'm giving them minor tough cred, mostly because they play guitars. So if these other hardcore ladies are too tough for you, maybe these gals are your thing. Meanwhile, stop being such a baby.

Bad Luck Bill -

Me And The Major -

Sahara Hotnights:



I had a really good time with this band in 2005. They've released two albums since then, but I think their first album is the toughest. Sure, they don't boast knife-fight levels of toughness, but they've been known to don black tank tops and leather jackets during a black-and-white photo shoot every now and again. That's tough. If you like your toughness cooked medium, then these gals are for you.

Hot Night Crash -

Who Do You Dance For -

Mind Over Matter -

Girl in a Coma:


These three strong ladies opened for the Detroit Cobras two weeks ago. If you question their toughness, you should know they were personally signed on the Blackhearts Records label by Joan Jett herself. The lead singer has some pretty fantastic facial expressions on stage, and she has a very, very impressive voice...especially in person. On top of that, I think these girls are tough enough that they might actually be able to seriously injure someone with a pool cue.

I found that they are even harder--aka tougher--in concert. They will play loud music right into your face until it explodes.

Come On, Let's Go -

Walkin' After Midnight -

Static Mind -

Shannon and the Clams:


My friend Bridger recently introduced me to Shannon and the Clams. True, there is only one woman in this band, but she is tough enough for all of us. I think they have a great thing going, and are near the high end of the toughness spectrum. They also make a lot of noise. They'd be quieter, or more carefully produced, but they're too tough to care about things like that.

You Will Always Bring Me Flowers -

The Woodsman -

The Fondas:


I have slightly mixed feelings about The Fondas. On one hand they sound sort of like the Detroit Cobras. On the other hand, they just aren't as tough. But you never know. Give them a few years out on the streets, and they could be tougher than me, even. However, I'm only sharing one song with you, because they have a little while to go before I think they reach maximum toughhood.

Make You Mine -

The 5.6.7.8's:


If you like Japanese women screaming into a microphone, then The 5.6.7.8's are perfect. Made famous thanks to their melodic "Woo Hoo" featured in Kill Bill and several commercials, I imagine many people immediately purchased their album only to find it was mostly women with very strong Japanese accents shrieking at you in English. The 5.6.7.8's aren't for everyone, but they don't care, because they're too tough. Or, in Japanese, they are totally タフ...pronounced "TOUGH!"

Jump, Jack, Jive -

I'm Blue -

The Sounds:


The Sounds are a bit more poppy than these other tough girls, which very nearly disqualified them from being pretty tough. Also, they've toured with some pretty un-tough people, which made me think twice about whether or not they were truly tough enough for this list. Tough ladies should be far too busy dying their hair jet black to hang out with people who aren't very tough. Still, in the end, I'm giving them a nod. I'm sure this kind of tough really goes over well in Scandinavian countries...viking tough. Tough enough to wear wooden shoes.

Living In America -

Painted By Numbers -

Timi Yuro:


Sure, this music is old, but Timi Yuro likes to shout at people in her music. I think she's the only person in the world who has ever managed to make "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" sort of tough. Plus, she was born in 1940, when it wasn't as socially acceptable for women to be so freaking tough. She paved the way for tough women all over the place. Now everywhere you look there are tough women.

If I Never Get To Love You -

I Ain't Gonna Cry No More -

Let Me Call You Sweetheart -

Last, I wanted to stay away from music videos. However, this video of Timi Yuro singing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" is awesome, I think. It looks great. A classy video for a classy lady...a classy, tough lady. You can find it here. Be tough.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My Love/Hate Relationship With Business Casual

I don't have to wear a tie to work. That is excellent news, because I've recently come to grips with how much I hate wearing ties.

I have tons of ties. I just did a quick tie talley, and I currently own 45 ties. This is less than half of the ties I once owned, before I donated half (the uncouth half) to a consignment store. There are somewhere between 50 and 60 men wandering around wearing uncouth ties, and it's my fault!

I do like the ties I own, but I try my best to avoid wearing them. That's why I should be glad that the law firm I'm interning at has a "business casual" dress code. But I also sort of hate business casual clothing. Why can't we all go to work the way we were meant to work? Totally nude, and covered in goo! I was born that way, and that's the way I'll work full-time at a law firm! And yes, that's the way I plan to die: totally nude, and covered in goo.

Craig on His Deathbed: ...and that's how I French Kissed whomever I pleased. Now Craig Jr., fetch the nurse, and hand me that jar of goo.

The problem with business casual clothing is that I've never made it a huge priority to own any. I'm usually wearing business uptight clothes, totally casual clothes, or totally nude and covered in goo. (That joke sure hasn't overstayed it's welcome.) So when I look myself in the mirror after robing myself in business casual attire I often think, "frumpy," in contrast to "sharp," "hip," and "sort of gross" respectively. My business casual clothes pretty much consist of whatever clothes I've acquired whenever my parents hold up a bunch of striped button-up shirts that I've never seen before and ask, "Are these yours?"

But all this has CHANGED! Yesterday I bought myself two dazzling pairs of pants, and two dazzling shirts that are going to revolutionize the way I think about business casual clothes. I also finally bought myself brown shoes and a brown belt. Now I can look hip at work. Maybe even as hip as this lady:



IMAGINE THAT!

Finally, I just image-Google searched: "MAN HOLDING CASH" and this is the first result -



Then I typed in: "HELL YEAH!" This is the first result -

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Killing Time at Gate 42C

There is something about showering very early in the morning that makes me feel like I'm about to be violently murdered. Especially when I am washing my hair and there is soap dripping down my face so I don't want to open my eyes. This is the opportune moment for any murderers who have remained concealed in my tiny bathroom to strike. I don't usually feel like I'm about to fall victim to showercide, but very early-morning showers are terrifying.

This morning, for example. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to make my way to the Denver Airport. I'm going home for the weekend for two weddings. I'm actually in the airport at this very moment, although I'm unsure if I'll finish much of anything before I have to board the plane. I have ten minutes to write something pretty exciting.

I actually really enjoy going to weddings. Plus, the fact that I'll be going to two weddings during a quick home visit makes it very efficient. I can't think of a better way to see more people from home in such a short period of time. However, talking to others about weddings has made me realize that my wedding experiences are pretty different from the way the world attends weddings. At my friend Lloyd's wedding, a very nosy photographer insisted that us groomsmen were expected to dance, party, and woo the bridesmaids. My wedding experiences usually consist of eating tiny turkey sandwiches. If it weren't for weddings, I would eat 33 percent fewer tiny turkey sandwiches.

Anyway, I had planned to sit down here in the terminal and play Pokemon Fire/Red on my computer. My current pokemon team consists of: Charmeleon, Clefairy, Pikachu, Pigeoto, Mankey, and Butterfree. Soon enough I'll be a Pokemon Champion, and my peers will finally respect me.

Speaking of peers, I started my internship on Tuesday. I'm having a swell time. Also, I finished my first year of law school. I'd have to say the best part about going to law school was when I watched Battlestar Galactica at the end of the semester. Battlestar Galactica is awesome, honestly.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The TV Lady Crush Olympics

This post is mostly about my television lady crushes, but it's also mostly about this song I made recently. It's called Big Ben, and you should listen to it. Then after you listen to it, you should go to my web site on PureVolume to hear some of my other songs that you can download for free. Do it. Then direct your friends to do it. If you don't make me a rock star, then who will?

Craig Blake - Big Ben


Now to the television lady crushes. There are a few gals on TV that have stolen chunks of my pure, golden, bleeding, teenage heart over the years. I've whittled down to three finalists. I have placed these three finalists into rankings. Here they are:

Bronze Medalist: Lana Lang, actressed by Kristin Kreuk (Smallville)


Once upon a time, Lana Lang was a gold medalist. That was before she played mercilessly with Clark Kent's superhuman yet fragile heart. You've got to give Clark Kent a break, Lana Lang. It's hard to have a television crush on Lana Lang, because she plays so hard to get. She is also easily upset. That's why I'm afraid the two of us will never really work out. It hurts so good.

Here is a video montage featuring Lana Lang. I want to point out that this video has been viewed nearly 45,000 times.



Here is what one of the viewers of this video had to say:

"she is amusing,really amusing girl!" - megimeg15

Silver Medalist: Charlotte "Chuck" Charles, actressed by Anna Friel (Pushing Daisies)


She's got spunk, she's got style, she loves Craig Blake. In this show, Chuck struggles with the conflict of falling in love with a pie maker and yet being unable to touch him, because of magic. This is similar to our situation, as we are also unable to have any contact because I'm a man who likes pie, and she is a fictional person. Watching this TV show will make me sigh like I am an 11-year old girl planning her wedding. Then, of course, I go about the other man-stuff I do. Because I'm a man. Chuck is very charming. I'm charmed.

Here is a swell scene where Chuck tries to find a way around the magic no-touching problem:



Here's what what viewer has to say about this video:

"GUYZ FROM A AMERICA, anna friel, english, and was on a UK daytime soap called brookside, she was a lesbian, and buried her father in the backyard, just a heads up since we english people new this incase some of u american did not" - GunnHFran

Gold Medalist: Anna Stern, actressed by Samaire Armstrong (The O.C.)


She's spunky, she's smart, she's a-little-too-hip. In The O.C., Anna Stern was supposed to be a one-episode character. Then the audience reaction was so positive that she became a regular character in Season 1. Then she moves back to Pittsburgh, and she ruins my life. She can give me a French Kiss any time she wants. My only fear is that maybe she'll never give me a French Kiss. This gal is one of the few people who can look great wearing a smock...or anything...no matter how ridiculous. I will now post the video of Anna Stern leaving me. If this doesn't break your heart, then your heart is an impenetrable, evil, black pile of slop.



Here is a thought from one viewer of this video:

"who am i gonna play jenga with" GoldenCowboy748