Sunday, September 21, 2008

Things that suck - 9/21/08


The University of Utah Web Site – Pop-up windows have found a powerful ally in U web designers. If you've ever wondered, "Why don't I have seven browser windows open instead of just this one measly window?" your prayers have been answered. Thanks to the U Web site, you can now look at everything the U has to offer, stacked on top of each other in a totally incomrehensible fashion.

Giant Jawbreakers – Destroying your taste buds is only two weeks and a huge, gross, sticky candy ball away. Licking endlessly away at this rock-hard chunk of syrup will make you wish you were dead.

E-mail Seductresses Spam – "Hey there stud, I've noticed you around." Wow, this girl is really into me. Imagine what she would think if I enhanced my reproductive system.

Chartwells - Stomach acid has met its match in the Chartwells' chicken strip. Your digestion system is screwed.

Adult No-hands Bike Riders – Thanks again for demonstrating that not using handlebars is not only possible, but a way cool thing to do. Let us never forget that letting go of the handlebars while riding a bicycle is a supreme act of skill and bravery. I have no doubt that this impressive skill will win you the awe of a handful of 10-year old boys. Here’s to the fourth grade.

The Smith’s Values Card – If I have this plastic rectangle, I am entitled to a crappy discount. If I don’t have this plastic rectangle, I can get another one any time I want. I am certain the world will come to total ruin when everyone eventually suffocates and drowns in huge piles of discarded, replaced, and re-discarded Smith’s Values Cards. But thanks to Smith’s, there will always be a job for people who make plastic rectangles, until they all suffocate to death. The irony.


Editor's Notes: Chartwells is the foodservice provider at the University of Utah.

Friday, September 12, 2008

My Heart is a Puddle


Tonight I watched Pretty Woman all the way through for the first time ever. I want you to know that my heart was honestly melted. Turns out even prostitutes have souls and can make really great girlfriends. The next prostitute I see I will invite into my house and seduce.

Anyway, after watching that touching film (I am not joking when I say I was touched) I decided to go over a few similar shows that have turned my heart to butter:

1. While You Were Sleeping - This show is what first introduced me to Peter Gallagher, who would later steal the hearts of the nation as Sandy Cohen on the OC. Lessons learned: Goofing around on black ice will woo any girl. Next time you are on a date and spot some black ice, steer toward it and shove your date onto the black ice. She will have lots of fun, and she will fall in love with you.



2. Sleepless in Seattle - This movie was the beginning of the older-woman crush I would soon develop with Meg Ryan. It also helps us remember that Rosie O'Donnell was once much thinner than she is now. If you're unsure whether you will ever fall in love, after watching this show, you can take comfort in the fact that that special someone may just live on the other end of the country. And all you have to do is wait for their spouse to die.



3. You've Got Mail - The Meg/Tom duo do it again. The most important lesson to be learned from this film is that meeting people in person that you met on the Internet is safe, fun and a good way to fall in love. We need to get this message out to everyone, especially kids with internet access.



4. Return to Me - Gorrillas, Heart Transplants, David Duchovny.



Here is a link to an actual trailer from that movie that it wouldn't let me post for some reason.


I really do love these shows very, very much. I will watch any of these shows, with any one of you, any time you want. Which is your favorite? Any similar shows you are a fan of?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Getting to Know You



You can get to know me, I can get to know you, we'll all have a great time. First of all, I've placed here the most flattering picture ever taken of me. This will give you a really good idea of what I'm like.
Also, I have included a nice survey below that will really flesh out some things you didn't know about me. I hope you'll consider doing it yourself, and posting it on your own blog, in the comments section, you can mail it to me, or somewhere on the internet. If you don't think you want to fill it out, I have prepared this video to persuade you:




Sleep with or without clothes on? - I will sleep buck naked right on your face.

Prefer black or blue pens - Using blue pens make me feel that whatever I'm writing is slightly less boring than it would be if it was in black.

Dress up on Halloween? - I like to try and dress up, but I think it usually ends in tragedy. I plan to dress up as a detective as soon as possible.

Who sleeps with you every night? - My conscience... and a bunch of crazy girls!

Think you're attractive? - I'm a big ugly ogre

Want to get married? - Oh! I want to dance with somebody. Yeah! I want to feel the heat with somebody.
To: Somebody who loves me!

Do long distance relationships work? - I wouldn't really know much about that. This also sums up my knowledge of close distance relationships.

Do you believe in astrology? - Today my horoscope read: "Intensity would be a good word to sum up the way your day is likely to feel. The day is likely to begin with some exciting news from an old friend. From then on you will be caught up in a whirl of activity that may have some romantic overtones as well as being great fun!" This is exactly what happened, and I do not doubt my future is determined by the cosmos.

Do you believe in love at first sight? - If it did exist, someone must have fallen in love with me by now. I have been seen by LOADS of people. Chances are it has worked by now. I only hope we'll meet again.

Do you think dreams eventually come true? - I doubt it. If they did, I would have been beaten to death by vampires more than once.

Favorite fictional character? - Anna from the O.C. I also love the Petrellis from Heroes. I also love Hiro from Heroes. I love Albus Dumbledore, and I think he is a very wise old wizard.

Is there somebody in your life that you could not survive without? - If my anesthesiologist had in fact not existed, I would have jumped off a bridge before surgery, and I do not believe I would have survived the fall.

What went wrong in your last relationship? - I didn't understand what I was supposed to do ever.

Is there anyone you trust even though you should not? - I distrust everyone. If someone walks behind me I am absolutely certain they are about to stab me right in the back of the head.

Ever given your all to someone who walked away? - No. If I give my all to anyone I immediately chain them to the bathtub to prevent this from every happening. No one's ever walking away from me!

Ever kissed someone you regretted after? - No I haven't. Not even Lauren what's-her-face in a 8th grade game of spin the bottle. Yes, I played spin the bottle in 8th grade. And I do not regret it.

Ever had your heart broken? - My heart was smashed into pieces the episode of the O.C. when Anna goes back to Pittsburgh. It is called "The Goodbye Girl" and it ruined my whole life. My heart is shattered.

Ever broken somebody elses? - Every day

Who has the power to make your world fall apart? - Anyone who owns a nuclear bomb.

Want to say something to someone? - I don't want to say nothing to nobody.

Wish things could have gone differently with someone? - I wish that the guy I talked on the phone to today would have then offered to give me all of his money. Our relationship would have been severely improved.

Hows your heart lately? - Cold and black. Fixed on riches!