Sunday, September 21, 2008

Things that suck - 9/21/08


The University of Utah Web Site – Pop-up windows have found a powerful ally in U web designers. If you've ever wondered, "Why don't I have seven browser windows open instead of just this one measly window?" your prayers have been answered. Thanks to the U Web site, you can now look at everything the U has to offer, stacked on top of each other in a totally incomrehensible fashion.

Giant Jawbreakers – Destroying your taste buds is only two weeks and a huge, gross, sticky candy ball away. Licking endlessly away at this rock-hard chunk of syrup will make you wish you were dead.

E-mail Seductresses Spam – "Hey there stud, I've noticed you around." Wow, this girl is really into me. Imagine what she would think if I enhanced my reproductive system.

Chartwells - Stomach acid has met its match in the Chartwells' chicken strip. Your digestion system is screwed.

Adult No-hands Bike Riders – Thanks again for demonstrating that not using handlebars is not only possible, but a way cool thing to do. Let us never forget that letting go of the handlebars while riding a bicycle is a supreme act of skill and bravery. I have no doubt that this impressive skill will win you the awe of a handful of 10-year old boys. Here’s to the fourth grade.

The Smith’s Values Card – If I have this plastic rectangle, I am entitled to a crappy discount. If I don’t have this plastic rectangle, I can get another one any time I want. I am certain the world will come to total ruin when everyone eventually suffocates and drowns in huge piles of discarded, replaced, and re-discarded Smith’s Values Cards. But thanks to Smith’s, there will always be a job for people who make plastic rectangles, until they all suffocate to death. The irony.


Editor's Notes: Chartwells is the foodservice provider at the University of Utah.

3 comments:

bridgerw said...

People that use bikes to do anything other than get to their destination on campus can just go to hell.

Melissa said...

When I worked at a local candy store, we sold those giant jawbreakers. They were seven dollars and ninety-nine cents. I never ate one, but I heard plenty of anecdotal evidence to convince me it would be a bad idea to try. However, I once smashed one into a thousand little pieces by hurling it to the ground. Turns out, that's a great way to enjoy a giant jawbreaker.

Cassidy said...

Why did we ever want jawbreakers? Mine would always end in a dirty, sticky mess in a plastic bag that I would always spend days debating whether I should wash it off and give it another go.
Are you coming down here soon?