Sunday, September 21, 2008

Things that suck - 9/21/08

The University of Utah Web Site – Pop-up windows have found a powerful ally in U web designers. If you've ever wondered, "Why don't I have seven browser windows open instead of just this one measly window?" your prayers have been answered. Thanks to the U Web site, you can now look at everything the U has to offer, stacked on top of each other in a totally incomrehensible fashion.

Giant Jawbreakers – Destroying your taste buds is only two weeks and a huge, gross, sticky candy ball away. Licking endlessly away at this rock-hard chunk of syrup will make you wish you were dead.

E-mail Seductresses Spam – "Hey there stud, I've noticed you around." Wow, this girl is really into me. Imagine what she would think if I enhanced my reproductive system.

Chartwells - Stomach acid has met its match in the Chartwells' chicken strip. Your digestion system is screwed.

Adult No-hands Bike Riders – Thanks again for demonstrating that not using handlebars is not only possible, but a way cool thing to do. Let us never forget that letting go of the handlebars while riding a bicycle is a supreme act of skill and bravery. I have no doubt that this impressive skill will win you the awe of a handful of 10-year old boys. Here’s to the fourth grade.

The Smith’s Values Card – If I have this plastic rectangle, I am entitled to a crappy discount. If I don’t have this plastic rectangle, I can get another one any time I want. I am certain the world will come to total ruin when everyone eventually suffocates and drowns in huge piles of discarded, replaced, and re-discarded Smith’s Values Cards. But thanks to Smith’s, there will always be a job for people who make plastic rectangles, until they all suffocate to death. The irony.

Editor's Notes: Chartwells is the foodservice provider at the University of Utah.


bridgerw said...

People that use bikes to do anything other than get to their destination on campus can just go to hell.

Melissa said...

When I worked at a local candy store, we sold those giant jawbreakers. They were seven dollars and ninety-nine cents. I never ate one, but I heard plenty of anecdotal evidence to convince me it would be a bad idea to try. However, I once smashed one into a thousand little pieces by hurling it to the ground. Turns out, that's a great way to enjoy a giant jawbreaker.

Cassidy said...

Why did we ever want jawbreakers? Mine would always end in a dirty, sticky mess in a plastic bag that I would always spend days debating whether I should wash it off and give it another go.
Are you coming down here soon?