Monday, November 17, 2008

A Thing I Wrote


Every year, the Chronicle puts together a Rivalry Guide for the BYU-Utah football game. It get's printed as an insert in the Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret News, and this is what I wrote for it. It was titled:

Licorice, rivalry games cement fanship

The first time I knew I was a University of Utah fan was when a tiny plastic U football made its way into my possession. I was a U fan because I had a U football. That made an awful lot of sense, because if I had been a fan of Brigham Young University, I would have had a BYU football…duh.

Later, a friend got me a job as a licorice vendor at U football games. I would march up and down the aisles of Rice-Eccles Stadium screaming my arsenal of sales pitches, which consisted of, “Licorice, get your licorice!” and “Licorice!” This is a really good marketing scheme on the part of licorice distributors. I imagine if I sat anywhere for several hours near an 11-year-old yelling, “Poison! Get some poison!” I would buy the entire supply as long as he would go away.

During the games, I would carefully avoid the student section. College students aren’t very interested in licorice, but what the U student section lacks in patronage, it makes up for by hurling a variety of beer jokes at 11-year-old licorice vendors.

U Student: Do you have any beer?!

Craig: No, I sell licorice. I’m 11.

U Student: Oh beer jokes…beer jokes are funny.

Ironically, the employment that forever ruined my relationship with licorice solidified my loyalty to the U. You can’t really know a school until you have sold licorice in its honor. I had the opportunity to see many U games and spent a good amount of time pausing my licorice peddling to watch the action. I suspect that is why I didn’t climb the corporate ladder of the licorice-peddling trade. However, claiming you are a licorice vendor is a really great way to get the equivalent of a free home game season pass, as long as you are willing to purchase several $30 crates of Red Vines boxes.

What I did learn from frequenting U home games was that almost every BYU vs. U football game is decided by a field goal. This was in stark contrast to everything ’80s cinema had taught me as a child, which was that the result of a game is determined by which team possesses the football-kicking mule. I also learned that the better team generally wins, regardless of how many motivated, talentless kids from the ghetto the other team has on hand, despite years of evidence to the contrary in almost every sport. And of course, I learned that the U was superior because...well...because I sold licorice for them.

This year’s game is destined to be the biggest rivalry game Utah has played in years. There is bound to be tons of excited fans for both teams crowding into Rice-Eccles Stadium on game day. We should all remember two things as we enter the stands.

First, it is only a game. And if your team loses this game, your life will almost certainly end in misery.

Second, buy loads of licorice. No doubt it is a gross, tough, plastic-like candy that will make you wish you were dead while you chew endlessly away at its disgusting, waxy core. But hopefully the karma you earn by awarding $1 to $3 to that licorice vendor is enough to push your team over the top.

Plus, every dollar you give to a licorice vendor is a dollar in support of the video game industry. Whatever it takes to produce a future U fan is worth it.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Some Things About Me


1. How are you? I am doing pretty well, thank you.

2. Who was the last person you hugged? Tim Bullock and I shared a sweet embrace.

3. Look to your left, what do you see? A chair and a wall. I'm sure this question elicits a lot of exciting responces, "Wow! I see some exciting stuff to my left!"

4. Last person you argued with? I honestly don't know. I agree with people immediately, while I am in the way with them.

5. Whats your favorite film? I have a very hard time choosing just one. But I watched Groundhog Day recently, and it made me feel awesome about my life, and about everything in the world.

6. Song that always makes you sad? Into the West by Annie Lennox makes me feel totally depressed. It is probably because it is tied up with all the emotions I felt when Bilbo went away.

7. What did you last laugh about? Last night I laughed and laughed while I watched Groundhog Day. I could feel my life improving with every minute.

8. Date someone older or younger? Love knows no bounds. I will go on a date with the first decrepit old woman that tickles my fancy. And I will give her a french kiss.

9. Whats the first thing you look for in a girl? A strong testimony, and REALLY HUGE breasts.

10. If you're still in school, what's your favorite class? I really like Ballroom Dance. And I am going to look beautiful sweeping across the floor in a fancy dress.

11. Did you take Piano lessons? I took piano lessons long enough to learn enough songs to drive you out of your mind if there is a piano in your house.

12. Most frequent song played? I will play The Can-Can and Turkey in the Straw right in your face without stopping until your eardrums explode.

13. Do you play video games? if so, which is your favorite? I would love to play more, but I don't play them very much at all. I've had a really great time playing Little Big Planet with Bridger lately.

14. What are you listening to right now? The room is completely vacant of any noise.

15. Who did you last have a sleepover with? Elizabeth Leavitt. We ate popcorn, we had pillow fights, we rode our sleeping bags down the stairs. Oh the fun we had. Bridger and I have been having a perpetual slumber party for months. We tickle each other to sleep every night.

16. T.V. show you secretly enjoy? I used to love watching Yu-Gi-Oh! It was like watching Pokemon for big kids. Then I realized it was more like watching Pokemon for the same demographic as Pokemon. That did not stop me.

17. Are you happy with your life right now? Groundhog Day made me feel like everything is going to work out great.

18. In Chess, do you use your queen early? I wouldn't want to give any future chess opponents an edge. If you challenge me in chess, I will make your life miserable for 30 minutes, I swear. A queen used late is a queen wasted, that's what I always say.

19. Who was the last person you texted? Phil.

20. Who do you live with? Bridger Winegar and Dan Kennard

21. Do you like living with them? They are really swell.

22. Are you in love? No chance, no way, I won't say it no, no!

23. Do you remember how you were 3 years ago? I was this really awesome guy.

24. When was the last time you lied? I have never told a lie. Funny how George Washington will always be remembered for never telling a lie, instead of being known for cutting down cherry trees like a total jerk. I could do that. I could flatten someone's tires, and when confronted: "Yes, I flattened your tires. Are you impressed by my honesty?"

25. Abortion or adoption? We must abort all the children! How do we expect to eliminate all babies by simply shuffling them around? How can we expect to win the War on Babies? Babies aren't going to just go away! It's time to get tough on babies now.

26. Would you live on another planet if it were possible? As long as it was the coolest planet ever.

27. Are your lips chapped? My lips are silky smooth and delicious.

28. Would you do drugs? I will take any drug I can take legally. I love drugs with all my heart, and if I can get a prescription for any narcotic/painkiller, I will cherish the time I will spend in the ensuing stupor. Even Nyquil makes me feel awesome. I look forward to every sickness that justifies the use of Nyquil.

29. Do you know any foreign languages? I have spent a lot of time in the last year and a half pretending to understand Spanish. My teacher speaks in Spanish almost exclusively, and I nod my head and keep an intelligent look on my face.

30. Any last words? No last words, except for these ones.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Brush Up Your Shakespeare

I recently pretended to read The Tempest. One of the lines that I actually did read is a conversation where one man on the beach is trying to convince another guy on the beach to kill the king. He says:

"perform an act Whereof what's past is prologue"


I thought of a few things I've done in my life that made me feel like everything beforehand was prologue -

1. Getting the Opinion Editor job at the Chronicle: Somehow I have tricked journalism into paying for my education by conning the world into believing that I know something, anything about journalism. I have been pretending to be a journalist for six years, and no one is the wiser.

2. My Mission: When I left my family at the MTC I realized I had been anticipating that moment for my entire life. I also felt like I was going to puke all over everyone. Everything worked out great though.

3. Going to the U: I have honestly been scheming a plan to transfer from Dixie to the U for an awful long time. Everything is going according to plan.

4. Running Cross-Country at BHS - From the age of 5 my Dad planned my infiltration of Bingham High School, although we lived in Sandy. I even pretended to live in the basement of my legal guardians (who were not my parents during this time) for one whole year to make this happen. This really paid off during my decorated cross-country career.

Anyway, those are a few of mine, do you have any moments where you felt like "what's past is prologue"?


Also, here is a topic-themed musical video.