Monday, April 6, 2009

Brinks Home Security

For those of you who aren't familiar with Brinks Home Security ads, here is one I think you should watch really quickly so you understand what I'm talking about. Only the first 28 seconds are required -

Now that you've seen the commercial, you know that Brinks Home Security will call you immediately after someone breaks your sliding door. Simply lock yourself in your bathroom and you are home free. However, all of these commercials hinge on the fact that all burglars run away at the sound of an alarm. I'm waiting for the day that they look into all the options, and make a commercial featuring a less easily-frightened burglar that goes like this:

[Window is broken by a carefully casted white man, alarm goes off]

Girl: Oh no, oh no... ah!
Jim: This is Jim from Brinks Home Security, are you all right?
Girl: No, I've been killed by a burglar.
Jim: Aaah... dang.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I've Got Mail

Occasionally I like to check my SPAM folder and scroll down all the offers I have recieved. I have a rule not to open any of them, but I am positive I'm missing out on all kinds of help from hundreds of very considerate people. Here is some of the most helpful information and best offers I have failed to take full advantage of lately:

Sender: Inqvjgovq
Subject Line: Have picture of man watching you

I hope that the man who was watching me also got an e-mail from someone else who snapped a photo of Inqvjgovq watching him. We all need to look out for each other when we see someone else watching someone else by snapping a picture and forwarding it in an e-mail.

Sender: Devan Burrell
Subject Line: new reason to live...

This came at exactly the right moment, because I have recently lost all my other reasons to live. I was teetering at the edge of cliff when I thought I would quickly check my e-mail before plunging headlong into the jagged rocks below, and here I am today. I cannot wait to open this e-mail and figure out what is going to be getting me up every morning for the rest of my life.

Sender: Me
Subject Line: Suspicions about your wife

I figure this means that I have anterograde amnesia and, knowing I was about to lose my memory, sent myself an e-mail describing some of the suspicions I have about my wife. My wife very easily could have ruined my life by now.

Sender: Kent Gregg
Subject Line: He-he-he... your photo

Kent must have acquired an embarrassing photo of me strolling around the house in the nude.

Sender: Alta Zimmerman
Subject Line: Inner meeting about stealing in an hour

This is exactly the opportunity I have been waiting for. It is a shame that I didn't make the one hour deadline, I would have loved to discuss some of these issues. I wonder what was on the agenda:

Stealing - How to do it
Stealing - What you should steal
Some interesting new ways to steal

Sender: Chang Barnes
Subject Line: think tis time to spice up the bed

Of all the calls to sexual action I have recieved, this one caught my attention because it was sent to me by someone who I can only guess is an asian man speaking with some sort of Scottish accent. I verified this by finding out that the surname "Barnes" has some origins in Scotland. If anyone knows when tis time to spice up the bed, it is Chang Barnes.

Sender: Keith Tomlinson
Subject Line: Sometimes we need some?

You tell me Keith. I'm not so sure either.

Sender: Mabel Brittany
Subject Line: You damn bastard, answer me!

I have been ignoring Mabel for some time now. Sometimes she wants me to supercharge my time in bed without a doctor. Sometimes she wants me to buy some blue pills. Sometimes she wants me to please my "gf 5 times a day". As you can tell, my failure to respond to her e-mails has frustrated Mabel and made our relationship quite tense.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rediscover the true meaning of April Fools' Day

-- This story is an unsigned editorial by the Daily Utah Chronicle Editorial Board for April 1. So there is really no way you will ever know if I actually wrote it.

There was a time in this country when April Fools’ Day really meant something.

This year, The Chronicle dares you to look into the face of a crying orphan the next time you inflate a whoopee cushion. You hadn’t thought about that, had you? While you spend the day gleefully pulling down the pants of your co-workers, puppies are dying all over the world. Why, there is probably a poor lost puppy somewhere out there right now. An adorable, sweet, soft, lost puppy with no home, sitting in the rain without a friend in the world!

But go ahead, wrap your toilet with Saran Wrap. We at The Chronicle understand the joy a practical joke can produce—that is, if you’re the kind of person who wouldn’t think about how a plane full of innocent nuns could be plummeting into the ocean with very little chance of survivors. Sure, you could be donating blood for those poor nuns, and you could be searching the coastline in your rowboat for their remains, but you could also be installing an invisible sheet of plastic that scatters pee all over.

After all, laughter truly is the best medicine if you don’t have a gunshot wound, an exploded appendix, hypothermia, an agitated hemorrhoid, ringworm, genital warts, dysentery, a snake bite, kidney disease or any health risks whatsoever. The next time you go to the doctor for a kidney stone, you can confidently say, “No thanks doctor, I’m just going to...AAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAHH! Laugh this one out! Haha! HahaaAAAAAHH! AAAAAH! AAAHHH! AAAAAAAAH!”

Still, maybe this year while you are good-naturedly pushing your neighbors into their pool while screaming “April Fools!” into their faces, you can spare a thought for the true meaning of April Fools’ Day. Things like doing a good turn daily, being the best you can be, and climbing a mountain one step at a time.

Meanwhile, while the rest of you are out spraying your mothers with a hose, we at The Chronicle will spend the day holding terminally ill puppies in our loving arms. We will be singing and dancing for orphans. We will be driving around Salt Lake City spaying and neutering stray cats.

We encourage the rest of you to return to the true values of April Fools’ Day. Or you could do the thing with the Saran Wrap and the pee going everywhere. You choose.

--You can read the original at this link