Thursday, April 2, 2009

I've Got Mail

Occasionally I like to check my SPAM folder and scroll down all the offers I have recieved. I have a rule not to open any of them, but I am positive I'm missing out on all kinds of help from hundreds of very considerate people. Here is some of the most helpful information and best offers I have failed to take full advantage of lately:

Sender: Inqvjgovq
Subject Line: Have picture of man watching you

I hope that the man who was watching me also got an e-mail from someone else who snapped a photo of Inqvjgovq watching him. We all need to look out for each other when we see someone else watching someone else by snapping a picture and forwarding it in an e-mail.

Sender: Devan Burrell
Subject Line: new reason to live...

This came at exactly the right moment, because I have recently lost all my other reasons to live. I was teetering at the edge of cliff when I thought I would quickly check my e-mail before plunging headlong into the jagged rocks below, and here I am today. I cannot wait to open this e-mail and figure out what is going to be getting me up every morning for the rest of my life.

Sender: Me
Subject Line: Suspicions about your wife

I figure this means that I have anterograde amnesia and, knowing I was about to lose my memory, sent myself an e-mail describing some of the suspicions I have about my wife. My wife very easily could have ruined my life by now.

Sender: Kent Gregg
Subject Line: He-he-he... your photo

Kent must have acquired an embarrassing photo of me strolling around the house in the nude.

Sender: Alta Zimmerman
Subject Line: Inner meeting about stealing in an hour

This is exactly the opportunity I have been waiting for. It is a shame that I didn't make the one hour deadline, I would have loved to discuss some of these issues. I wonder what was on the agenda:

Stealing - How to do it
Stealing - What you should steal
Some interesting new ways to steal

Sender: Chang Barnes
Subject Line: think tis time to spice up the bed

Of all the calls to sexual action I have recieved, this one caught my attention because it was sent to me by someone who I can only guess is an asian man speaking with some sort of Scottish accent. I verified this by finding out that the surname "Barnes" has some origins in Scotland. If anyone knows when tis time to spice up the bed, it is Chang Barnes.

Sender: Keith Tomlinson
Subject Line: Sometimes we need some?

You tell me Keith. I'm not so sure either.

Sender: Mabel Brittany
Subject Line: You damn bastard, answer me!

I have been ignoring Mabel for some time now. Sometimes she wants me to supercharge my time in bed without a doctor. Sometimes she wants me to buy some blue pills. Sometimes she wants me to please my "gf 5 times a day". As you can tell, my failure to respond to her e-mails has frustrated Mabel and made our relationship quite tense.


keviN said...

heh heh heh heh.... gold.

i love taking advantage of junkmail - i'll sort through it every few months for some of the best/most ridiculous names to use for inspiration.

"Thurgood Bloodmoney" gets me goin' every time.

Ali said...


I am Kent, and I actually did snap a photo of you walking around in the nude in your house. Just thought you might want to take a look, but since you failed to do so I have decided to post the picture on my blog. Thats what you get for ignoring my mail sucka!

Alright I'm not REALLY Kent but i suggest you be careful with your junk never know!

derek w. said...

Craig, you inspired me to check my own junk mail folder. I have a message from Yud Ibqr wondering why I ignored his (her?) reply. I've also got several messages from myself with the subject "Art critic in Guantanamo." While it's true that I frequently enjoy writing about art critics at Guantanamo, I don't ever remember sending myself an email about one.

Melissa said...

This was worth the wait, Craig.

Way to find a silver lining for spam.

For some reason, it reminded me of those spambaiter guys.

Bridger W. said...

Terrific job, Craig.