Thursday, April 2, 2009
I've Got Mail
Occasionally I like to check my SPAM folder and scroll down all the offers I have recieved. I have a rule not to open any of them, but I am positive I'm missing out on all kinds of help from hundreds of very considerate people. Here is some of the most helpful information and best offers I have failed to take full advantage of lately:
Subject Line: Have picture of man watching you
I hope that the man who was watching me also got an e-mail from someone else who snapped a photo of Inqvjgovq watching him. We all need to look out for each other when we see someone else watching someone else by snapping a picture and forwarding it in an e-mail.
Sender: Devan Burrell
Subject Line: new reason to live...
This came at exactly the right moment, because I have recently lost all my other reasons to live. I was teetering at the edge of cliff when I thought I would quickly check my e-mail before plunging headlong into the jagged rocks below, and here I am today. I cannot wait to open this e-mail and figure out what is going to be getting me up every morning for the rest of my life.
Subject Line: Suspicions about your wife
I figure this means that I have anterograde amnesia and, knowing I was about to lose my memory, sent myself an e-mail describing some of the suspicions I have about my wife. My wife very easily could have ruined my life by now.
Sender: Kent Gregg
Subject Line: He-he-he... your photo
Kent must have acquired an embarrassing photo of me strolling around the house in the nude.
Sender: Alta Zimmerman
Subject Line: Inner meeting about stealing in an hour
This is exactly the opportunity I have been waiting for. It is a shame that I didn't make the one hour deadline, I would have loved to discuss some of these issues. I wonder what was on the agenda:
Stealing - How to do it
Stealing - What you should steal
Some interesting new ways to steal
Sender: Chang Barnes
Subject Line: think tis time to spice up the bed
Of all the calls to sexual action I have recieved, this one caught my attention because it was sent to me by someone who I can only guess is an asian man speaking with some sort of Scottish accent. I verified this by finding out that the surname "Barnes" has some origins in Scotland. If anyone knows when tis time to spice up the bed, it is Chang Barnes.
Sender: Keith Tomlinson
Subject Line: Sometimes we need some?
You tell me Keith. I'm not so sure either.
Sender: Mabel Brittany
Subject Line: You damn bastard, answer me!
I have been ignoring Mabel for some time now. Sometimes she wants me to supercharge my time in bed without a doctor. Sometimes she wants me to buy some blue pills. Sometimes she wants me to please my "gf 5 times a day". As you can tell, my failure to respond to her e-mails has frustrated Mabel and made our relationship quite tense.