Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rediscover the true meaning of April Fools' Day

-- This story is an unsigned editorial by the Daily Utah Chronicle Editorial Board for April 1. So there is really no way you will ever know if I actually wrote it.

There was a time in this country when April Fools’ Day really meant something.

This year, The Chronicle dares you to look into the face of a crying orphan the next time you inflate a whoopee cushion. You hadn’t thought about that, had you? While you spend the day gleefully pulling down the pants of your co-workers, puppies are dying all over the world. Why, there is probably a poor lost puppy somewhere out there right now. An adorable, sweet, soft, lost puppy with no home, sitting in the rain without a friend in the world!

But go ahead, wrap your toilet with Saran Wrap. We at The Chronicle understand the joy a practical joke can produce—that is, if you’re the kind of person who wouldn’t think about how a plane full of innocent nuns could be plummeting into the ocean with very little chance of survivors. Sure, you could be donating blood for those poor nuns, and you could be searching the coastline in your rowboat for their remains, but you could also be installing an invisible sheet of plastic that scatters pee all over.

After all, laughter truly is the best medicine if you don’t have a gunshot wound, an exploded appendix, hypothermia, an agitated hemorrhoid, ringworm, genital warts, dysentery, a snake bite, kidney disease or any health risks whatsoever. The next time you go to the doctor for a kidney stone, you can confidently say, “No thanks doctor, I’m just going to...AAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAHH! Laugh this one out! Haha! HahaaAAAAAHH! AAAAAH! AAAHHH! AAAAAAAAH!”

Still, maybe this year while you are good-naturedly pushing your neighbors into their pool while screaming “April Fools!” into their faces, you can spare a thought for the true meaning of April Fools’ Day. Things like doing a good turn daily, being the best you can be, and climbing a mountain one step at a time.

Meanwhile, while the rest of you are out spraying your mothers with a hose, we at The Chronicle will spend the day holding terminally ill puppies in our loving arms. We will be singing and dancing for orphans. We will be driving around Salt Lake City spaying and neutering stray cats.

We encourage the rest of you to return to the true values of April Fools’ Day. Or you could do the thing with the Saran Wrap and the pee going everywhere. You choose.

--You can read the original at this link


Elizabeth said...

100% wonderful. I especially loved the kidney stone part. The idea of giggling through pelvis-cracking pain is a new and fresh idea. Way to blaze a trail Craig.

Melissa said...

My student just told me two boys were fighting in the hall.

I totally fell for it.

Great article, Craig. That is, if you wrote it.

Bridger W. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bridger W. said...

We all know the same people behind such written hits as the phony Neko Case interview, the Wall-E non-review, and the case for The Dark Knight as the best movie of all time were the ones that actually wrote this, Craig. You're not getting me with your little April Fools' joke/grab at credibility. Not this year you're not.

Jordan said...

I don't care who wrote this, I liked it a lot.