Monday, July 27, 2009

A Few Things For You To Look At

I have really made an effort not to post any videos lately, because I think a lot of people see a video and think, "Bah! I don't have time to watch that video!" But you do have time to watch this teensy video. Please watch this video:

Apparently this is a promotional video for a new show on AMC called Liza Life Coach. It was so sneakily presented to me on television that I honestly thought this was real. I'm still a little disoriented on this marketing scheme, because at no point does it ever say, "Watch my show, this is a hoax!" It wouldn't be hard for me to believe this is real.

I think this is a good opportunity for me to make a confession that I make fairly often: I love watching MADE on MTV. Here's a huge logo:

If you are unfamiliar with MADE, it is a show where they grab a high school kid and work for 5 weeks to make them into whatever they want to be. My favorite MADE episodes are when a sort of dorky individual gets made into a more "confident" individual, such as the Homecoming King/Queen. I like this because it is actually possible, instead of watching ridiculous episodes like, "I want to be a kickboxer" and watching a 60 pound high school girl cry and get kicked in the face for an hour. Recently I watched an episode where a girl, who was a "jock soccer player" wanted to become a Beauty Queen. For a moment I thought, "Oh hell, this is another one of those stupid impossible episodes." Luckily, I was pleasently surprised to find this girl doing a pretty good job, and although she didn't even make the top 5 in her Miss (whatever state she lived in) competition, I knew she had tried her best!
I desperately want to start sending in applications for myself to be MADE even though I am no longer in high school. All of my MADE requests will be things like:

"I want to be a successful and rich lawyer."
"I want to have a sack of cash"
"I want to win the triple crown"
"I want to be taller"
"I want to ride into battle on a chariot"
Anyway here is:
A. Another video from Liza Life Coach
B. A picture of myself riding into battle on a chariot

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Give Propaganda a Chance

I'm a fan of propaganda posters. I think old propaganda looks really fancy. I honestly would love to get myself some nice copies of old World War II propaganda and put them on my wall.
Not only do they look really nice, they are also really useful because they tell me exactly what to think about loads of subjects, which is convenient. Just imagine how much pain I could have avoided had only this poster been available to me:

And all this time I was thinking, "No problem here, she looks clean to me!"

Anyway, recently I spent a little time scanning the internet for some propaganda that I would like to share. Here they are:

1. Posters focusing on national security
I found loads of posters featuring attractive ladies silently hanging around a group of guys who are apparently getting together to swap military secrets. The Nazis had finally realized that the only way to get good information was to plant evening gown-wearing blondes in luxurious couches across America.
This man on the left with the fancy hat has hit a similar snag. Out on a walk he thought, "Why don't I just go ahead and loudly mention some of the military secrets I've come by."
The lesson we can learn here is that we should keep all the military secrets we know to ourselves. Even when an occassion to be a little loose-lipped with the Top Secrety information you have acquired presents itself in the form of a buxom blonde sitting demurely in a nearby couch, keep your mouth shut! She's a spy! She isn't as stupid as you think!

2. Enlistment Propaganda

This kind of propoganda pretty much confirms that the only thing that could possibly motivate anyone to join the military during wartime was women. The first one here on the left seems to make men think, "Wait a minute... I AM A MAN! I want to be in the Navy!" This is kind of how you convince a child to eat broccoli by saying, "Mmmm... I guess I get to eat all of this delicious broccoli all by myself." Or I guess, even more like saying, "I sure wish I could eat all this delicious broccoli... but I'm a girl!"
My favorites are the two on the bottom, which I imagine elicited this response: "Yes, yes I am very interested in rescuing large-breasted women, even if I have to fight a giant gorilla."

3. A Few Random Favorites

The first one here on the left is unbelievable. I love the idea of rallying boyscouts to battle sodomy. I wonder how this idea arose, "Who can we get to help fight the gays? The boyscouts!" I would love an "Engaging in Combat With Sodomy" merit batch.
The second, of course, is just a great idea. I for one would HATE riding with Hitler! I'm going to need someone to occupy that seat, or else Hitler will most certainly sit there.

And now the last two. First of all, I was very impressed that you can apparently convince Canadians to enlist without promising that they could very possibly rescue a woman with huge breasts. All Canadians need is a good motivational expression. If this was an American poster it would have read, "Let's go U.S.A.! There are women with huge breasts in danger!"
And very last, apparently the secret weapon of the Axis was that we would carelessly burn down all of our native forests.
Hitler: First, we will overrun Poland... then, all we must do is wait for the Americans to burn down all of their forests.

Note: Craig doesn't necessarily agree with any of the views or occasional racist imagery above, except the ones featuring women with huge breasts.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Clock is Ticking!

There are only three days left to vote on my hotly contested poll to help decide if people would rather be a Jedi knight or be able to travel through space and time. During the last seventeen days the votes have remained in a fierce deadlock between those who would rather be a Jedi knight and the proponants of travelling through space and time.

The bitter contest has probably already shattered the once friendly relationships enjoyed by the two people who have voted for each option. For example, the moment I find out who voted against me, they can expect nothing but coldness and contempt from me for the rest of their lives. The one person who has stood by me in my determination to be a Jedi knight, however, will enjoy kind words and good deeds from me.

But four people cannot resolve an issue of this gravity. No, that would take five people, or seven people. Have you voted yet? Do you feel comfortable letting some total dummies who know nothing about anything make this decision for you?! Don't miss this opportunity to forever tip the scales in the favor of your favorite super power. And feel free, after voting, to explain your decision by posting. The poll can be found in the right column.

But before you make a terrible decision you can't take back, consider THIS:

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Here's to the ADA

I think that gum has really come a long way in the last little while. I'm a huge supporter of the new flat package most gum is starting to come in, especially when Extra finally made the switch. Now I can carry my gum in my pocket, which makes a lot of sense. I can finally stop carrying my mink purse.

One of the newer developments I have found on gum packages I support is the addition of the seal of the American Dental Assocation. I am a total sucker for this sort of advertising. The entire message next to the seal reads:

The ADA Council on Scientific Affairs' Acceptance of [insert gum brand] is based on its finding that the physical action of chewing [insert gum brand] sugar-free gum for 20 minutes after eating, stimulates saliva flow, which helps to prevent cavities by reducing plague acids and strengthening teeth.

I totally fall for stuff like this, and the first time I saw it on a package of Extra gum, it totally sealed the deal. However, today I was thinking the ADA should begin supporting quite a few other products, if all it takes is that I salivate for 20 minutes after eating in order to prevent cavities.

For example, I could salivate for 20 minutes by eating a corndog. I would love corndog packages to start appearing with this message:

The ADA Council on Scientific Affairs' Acceptance of this sack of Corndogs is based on its finding that the physical action of chewing on a Corndog for 20 minutes after eating, stimulates saliva flow, which helps to prevent cavities by reducing plague acids and strengthening teeth.

This is why, from now on, I think I'll spend the 20 minutes after each meal or snack chewing on a corndog. I have to keep my saliva flowing, and what better way than to chew on a corndog?