Monday, September 14, 2009

'Headlines' or 'Confessions of a Paperboy'

Before the Internet became a major contributor to my life, I read the news. Once upon a time I made it a point to read the newspaper every day. I think this is mostly because I was a dedicated paper boy between the ages of 8 and 15, and so we got a free newspaper subscription.

If I had to slog into a dank, cold warehouse at 4:30 a.m. every morning for several years and be accosted by my middle-aged manager who wanted to shove brownies in my mouth, take my picture so I felt like I was a member of the paper delivery community, smile inches from my face and try to motivate me to be a happy paperboy as I looked forward in dread to the remaining long years of soul-sucking paper delivery, then I was going to take advantage of the free newspaper. Now I shudder at the thought of the 40 year old paper delivery manager who thought she could make delivering papers at the crack of dawn enjoyable for anyone. I remember most conversations going something like:

Manager - Hey guys! Good to see ya! Here, let me take a picture...SMILE!!... I made some brownies! Put them in your mouth! Have fun! Paper delivery can be fun! Paper delivery in the cold, cold rain can be fun! Smile! Smile! Smile! Smile! Put this brownie in your mouth at 4:30 in the morning! Force this brownie through your digestive system at 4:30 in the morning! You're part of a team!! Work! Try! Have Fun! Be Your Best!

Craig -
In fact, I was 19 years old before I completely washed my hands of all paper route responsibilities. Had this image-tarnishing secret been made public, it probably would have made it difficult for me to make and maintain meaningful relationships with my peers.

Anyway, the point of the story is I used to read the newspaper. Now I just peruse the online news headlines under "top headlines". I love what the Internet considers the "top headlines" of the day. I usually don't read the stories, I just like reading the headlines. This means I'm a lot less informed when it comes to things of importance, but I'm a lot (very minutely) more informed about things that do not matter... which is nice. This is where the real news is. Here are a few of my recent favorite headlines:

(I like to read this one as if he was actually just shocked by the behavior of a 20-year-old)

Final Notes: Once my brother Curtis and I (who jointly ran the paper route for a long time) won the "Best Paperboy of the Year" award from the Salt Lake Tribune. We were really good paperboys.

The paperboy profession is quickly going extinct thanks to an influx of single, overweight papermen. Oddly enough, this makes me feel a little sad.

Also, I thought Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame acceptance speech was pretty bad, which was disappointing.


jaime said...

Lucky!! I always wanted to have a paper route when I was little, but I had to work in my dad's video store instead. My parents were mean! They never let me mow the lawn either!!

20 Something said...

So randomly found your blog. Your hilarious and I love your blog. Hope you don't mind me following it.

Craig Barlow B. said...

20 Something, why thank you. I definitely do not mind you following my blog.

20 Something said...

Well then Craig I cant wait to see what you have to say. :)