Sunday, November 29, 2009

A News Turkey Brief

Obama reverses pardoning policy in lieu of recession

Reversing a Thanksgiving turkey pardoning policy first enacted by President George H.W. Bush, U.S. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced in a Nov. 25 press conference that Courage, a 45-pound turkey, would shortly be taken into the White House, cooked and eaten by President Barack Obama, who Gibbs explained was, "totally starving."

Obama silently addressed the crowd, shifty eyed as he slowly retreated back through his front door while tightly constricting the flailing turkey in his emaciated arms. In response to later questions on why the administration decided to flip on the pardoning tradition, the visibly famished Obama said, "Because I was planning to eat that sucker."

Although the traditional pardon was scheduled to take place, Obama, malnourished and pale, reappeared moments later only to retreat once again from the crowd of reporters and PETA officials after surreptitiously stuffing his pockets with complementary rolls.


Final Note: He actually did say, "Because I was planning to eat that sucker." Although, in a different context. If you would like to read the actual turkey pardoning story, you can read it (and watch it) here.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Condom Column-Editor's Cut

Two posts ago, I mentioned that I work for the Daily Utah Chronicle. Every year, we put together a special edition issue called The Rivalry Guide right before the BYU/Utah game. I don't really have the time to write loads of columns anymore, but I usually take the time to write one for any type of special edition paper. Last year I wrote about my roots selling licorice at U football games.

This year I wrote about condoms. If you don't think condoms are kind of funny, I am sorry. I promise I will get my mind out of the gutter as soon as possible.

Anyway, this column is already available on U campus, but it will also be included as an insert in both the Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret News on Thanksgiving. So those of you who have a subscription should be sure to clip it out, and post it on your hope chest. Plus, I have re-inserted one sentence that was cut. So those of you who are reading this blog are getting one additional sentence you can't get anywhere else! Pretty exciting. I don't know what the headline is, so you'll have to use your imagination:




Win or lose, as Ute fans we can leave Provo on Nov. 28 knowing that we are winners.
That’s right, the U scored a lofty ranking as the 107th most sexually healthy campus out of 141 universities rated by Trojan Condoms. There is truly nothing quite as satisfying and rhythmic as leaving a packed stadium chanting in unison, “We’re No. 107! We’re No. 107!” To commemorate this event, U administrators will soon be hanging a new banner between the two already draped over Rice-Eccles Stadium: “12-0 Fiesta Bowl Champions; 13-0 Sugar Bowl Champions; 107…err…Condom Rating.” We have finally arrived.

For those of you wondering how this makes U fans winners, consider the fact that the U outscored BYU by 30 points, its ranking filling the 137th spot. That’s a blowou… err… a really good score. Yeah. Good for us, huh?

OK, it’s time I faced the facts. I can’t live the lie any longer. The truth is neither school did all that well. It shouldn’t come as a surprise. As a Utah native, I can attest that it took me several years to recognize the difference between a condom and an irregularly shaped balloon. Imagine the wonder of my first grocery store encounter: “Wow! A whole aisle of balloons! This is AWESOME!”

In high school, I remember health class having a few lasting and traumatic effects. For example, with a deft use of 10-year-old video cassettes, my health teacher ensured I would be too terrified to ever try cocaine or give birth: “OK, so far so good…oh…oh…OK…that’s not so bad…oh…wait…what the…what are they…AAAAH! AAAH! WHAT’S HAPPENING TO HER!? AAAAHHH!” Meanwhile, my knowledge of condoms remained undeveloped:

Craig: So, what about condoms?
Health teacher: What’s that, Craig? You want to watch the STD video again? OK, I’ll just put it up on the big screen…
Craig: No, please! I’ll be good.

That’s not to say I’ve had no experience with condoms. In fact, more than once I’ve used them to decorate the car at wedding receptions. Unfortunately, that wasn’t included in any of Trojan’s 13 rating categories, which included silly things such as “student opinion of health center” and whether condoms and contraceptives were available on campus. Well, that’s the problem right there. Trojan completely overlooked some crucial criteria that both U and BYU students can relate to:
1. Number of students who have wrapped a rear-view mirror in an extra-large condom.
2. Survey of student body to see who can sing a song about abstinence that was learned in high school.
3. Availability of SpoonMe frozen yogurt parlors.
4. Percentage of male students who enjoy watching “While You Were Sleeping.”
5. Frequency of boys asking girls on dates by leaving a cute puzzle on their porch (BYU takes the lead!).

Seriously, what was Trojan thinking? In the meantime, the U and BYU can take solace in the fact that both schools totally wasted DePaul University, which was ranked last place at No. 141. Take that, DePaul! I guess this is just what you can expect when a balloon manufacturer tries to rate universities on sexual health. Plus, its balloons are totally crappy.
We’re No. 107! We’re No. 107! We’re No. 107!


Final Note: If you are at all interested in checking out another column I've written, one of my favorites can be found here.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

News With a Beat, Please

A friend who works with me was watching some of these videos, and I couldn't help but overhear. Then I went home, and watched them multiple times.

Basically, these people put voice synthesizers over the news, answering the the major question that has caused my dissatisfaction with broadcast journalism: Can't this news be delivered to me in song? I think it's a really excellent idea. This is how I want all my news to reach my ears from now on. Again, I hesitate to post videos because I think a lot of people immediately lose interest without watching them. But I think if you are true to yourself, you'll realize that not only do you have time to watch these videos, you are very interested in watching them as well.

Warning: The first movie starts a little slow, but it really gets moving once Joe Biden shows up.


Lettuce Regulation and American Blessings



Michael Jackson, Drugs, and Sarah Palin

Final Note: I posted this pretty soon after my last post, so feel free to continue on down and see what it was about. Think it over.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

This Post Will Blow Your Mind...Literally

I have a friend named Scott. Scott has told me throughout the years how much he dislikes when people misuse the word "literally." For example, Meg Stapleton, Sarah Palin's spokeswoman recently said about Palin, "The world is literally her oyster." Really, Meg Stapleton? There are a few ways you could interpret this. Either Palin has actually magically transformed the world into an oyster and claimed ownership ("See this world? It's not a world anymore, it's an oyster, and it is mine."), or Palin already owns an oyster she has affectionately named, "The World." ("Good evening. I would like to introduce you to my oyster, The World.")

There are some practical uses to knowing the difference. Suppose a person said, "I'm literally going to knock your socks off." Whatever they are literally going to do is going to have to be pretty violent, so watch your back. When I said this post will literally blow your mind, I'm serious...this post might make your brain explode. Continue at your own risk.

For those of you who don't know, I am the opinion editor for the Daily Utah Chronicle. If you are an internet stalker/molester, you can add that piece of information to your Craig-knowledge to help you narrow down my location. I also think you should know that I have rigged my house with elaborate traps and a zipline in the fashion of Home Alone.

Anyway, one of my jobs is to recieve and edit letters to the editor. There are a lot of things I could say about this process (like why people think they can submit a 900 word letter to the editor). Recently I got a letter in response to a photo we printed after the Utes got soundly beaten by TCU. The author titled the letter:

Utes get screwed by TCU Horny Toads...Literally!!!

I certainly hope not. If so, people certainly have been good sports about it. It reminds me of a line from Dirty Work after one of the characters addresses the other prisoners as he is being released from prison:

"You fellas have a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. Can you believe these characters? Way out of line. Way out of line. Have a good mind to go to the warden about this. You know what hurts the most is the... the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most. "

Final Notes:
- The Sarah Palin spokesperson quote was taken from a fantastic blog that does nothing but track the abuse of the word "literally." You can find it here.
- Last night I played wallyball, and my legs feel like they are about to break in two...literally.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Another Major Achievement Behind Me

I am usually pretty good at ignoring Facebook ads and invitations asking me to join my friends' struggles against other Mafia bosses, build a virtual roller coaster, or to start my own farm. However, I totally support things like FarmVille because of their educational value. FarmVille offers 20 and 30 year olds an opportunity to peek into the every day life of an American farmer, which usually goes something like this:


Craig found a lonely Black Sheep on their farm. Oh no!
Craig was farming when a lonely Black Sheep wandered onto their farm in FarmVille. She feels very sad and needs a new home.

Comment . Like . Adopt the Black Sheep!


In fact, farmers spend almost all their time adopting neglected and sad animals. If you have ever been near a farm, it might appear like some harvesting or planting might be going on, but you can rest assured that the resident farmer is wandering around his land locating unhappy animals in need of adoption. "Well, I would do all the farm work, but then who would tend for all these horribly sad animals?!"


And of course, my favorite:


Craig found a lonely orphan on their farm. Oh no!
Craig was farming when a lonely orphan, who most certainly isn't a 33 year old midget prostitute, wandered onto their farm in FarmVille. She feels very sad, can play the piano, needs a new home, and wants to seduce your husband.

Comment . Like . Adopt Esther


Although I'm usually careful to not participate in this stuff, I have recently played a little bit of


I know this is very embarrassing. In fact, when I sent out invitations for people to join my army, I handpicked the friends I thought were less likely to mock me openly. This didn't really work, because Bekah exposed me to public shame last night.

Not to be discouraged, I quickly learned that the world of Castle Age is almost completely populated by extremely well-endowed elf women:


These women don't have time for t-shirts, they need clothing tailored specifically with the challenges faced by elf women in a fantastical world in mind. Clothes like V-neck leather jumpsuits, off-the-shoulder halter tops, and sheer lingerie. You couldn't possibly expect these gals to kill anyone while wearing a pair of jeans.

Anyway, with the help of these magical ladies, I recently killed Gildamesh the Orc King. Soooo...pretty cool... prrrreetty cool. I just thought you should know.

Final Note: Craig understands if you are no longer interested in knowing him.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Message from the Cosmos

One of the things I like to do occasionally is check my horoscope. I'm a Cancer, which says a lot of really significant things about my personality. For example, according to Horoscope.com, my "charismatic marks" are my medium build, round face, prominent breasts, and a tendency to take charge. I totally agree, my breasts have always been really important to me. That's why I recently bought a collection of low-cut blouses. I hope that as a result of this blog people will start paying more attention to my prominent breasts. I have some really charismatic breasts that will no longer be denied your attention!

The website continues to remind me about some of my dislikes, according to the cosmos they are - "Strangers, revealing of personal life, any criticism of Mom." That's true. If you introduce me to a stranger, delve into my personal life, or criticize my mother you run the risk of being smashed to death by an astroid.

Anyway, I would like to debrief you on a few of my current and upcoming horoscopes -

This Week:
This week you'll follow your logic and forget about your innate intuition! You'll find it hard to make sense of a puzzling circumstance on Tuesday. Use your brain cells to understand your life scenario, as the Moon, your ruler, squares foggy Neptune in your zone of inner wisdom. You're ready for a vacation from your responsibilities on Thursday. You'll concentrate on having fun as the Sun conjuncts Mercury in your sector of amusement. You'll do your chores over the weekend.


Oh... yeah... I'll just use the brain cells for when the moon squares in my zone of inner wisdom with... Neptune. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Well of course I will. What else would I do? Oh, and then all the conjucting going on in my sector of amusement. Yeah... saw that one coming. All that conjunction is going to be way cool.


And last, I appreciate the straight-forward prophetic warning, "You'll do your chores over the weekend." I imagine the hopelessness I feel by that decree is kind of how the parents of Oedipus felt. It won't be until after I have finished my chores this weekend that I will realize, "Wait! What have I DONE!?" All of my efforts to avoid doing my chores will in and of themselves condemn me to the same fate. "Ha! I won't do my chores! I'm too busy cleaning these dishes to... damn it!" Chores are my destiny.


After getting a good understanding of how this week is going to go, I was curious to know what the cosmos have in store for my love life. Well I'll tell you. According to the Psychic Guild -
No other sign romances better, equally though, no sign takes it so badly when romance turns sour either. But with their changeable natures Cancerians are fascinating, mysterious, stimulating and extremely alluring. This sign is one of the most magic of all and once their magic has reached you, they are the most beguiling companions. After all, isn't the Moon the most talked about and romantic galactic identity?


So the most important thing we've learned here is that I'm extremely alluring. If you don't think so, it's because my magic hasn't reached you yet. Once it does reach you, I plan on beguiling the crap out of you. You won't know what to do with yourself. And if you don't believe it, well then you have clearly ignored the fact that the Moon is the most romantic galactic identity. Face the facts, I'm an extremely alluring, beguiling sort of guy. That's right, I'm one of the most magic of all the signs, you never stood a chance. Doubtful? Well maybe you forgot about this!


Final Note: Feel free to share your sign/horoscope and what cosmic truth it tells us about yourself. But if you don't want to, fine. I understand, because if anyone tries to get any personal information out of me, they are crossing the bounds of my cosmic dislikes, and I will pray that they are eventually smashed to death by a shooting star.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Halloween Movie You've Been Dying to See

Every year, my friend Jon makes a short film for Halloween. This Halloween I was able to be in his movie. Since this is my second short-film appearance this year (for the first, click here), I'm hoping to star in at least one more so I can start releasing the Craig Blake DVD Collection. I need you to all start thinking about movies you could make for me to be in.
Again, I always hesitate to post videos because I feel people see a video and think, "I have no time to watch this video." But follow your heart, and I think you'll find that you do have time for this video. Plus, you get to be exposed to Craig... ACTING! It's like all your wildest dreams are coming true.

Warning: This is not a comedy. This is serious stuff. Wipe that smile off your face.



Final Notes:
- I suggest watching this film in full screen. But what do I know?
- I mispronounce one word in this short movie. I don't think you will be able to tell.
- Go ahead and vote on the loosely-related poll! To the right, down, and straight on 'til morning.