Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Condom Column-Editor's Cut

Two posts ago, I mentioned that I work for the Daily Utah Chronicle. Every year, we put together a special edition issue called The Rivalry Guide right before the BYU/Utah game. I don't really have the time to write loads of columns anymore, but I usually take the time to write one for any type of special edition paper. Last year I wrote about my roots selling licorice at U football games.

This year I wrote about condoms. If you don't think condoms are kind of funny, I am sorry. I promise I will get my mind out of the gutter as soon as possible.

Anyway, this column is already available on U campus, but it will also be included as an insert in both the Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret News on Thanksgiving. So those of you who have a subscription should be sure to clip it out, and post it on your hope chest. Plus, I have re-inserted one sentence that was cut. So those of you who are reading this blog are getting one additional sentence you can't get anywhere else! Pretty exciting. I don't know what the headline is, so you'll have to use your imagination:

Win or lose, as Ute fans we can leave Provo on Nov. 28 knowing that we are winners.
That’s right, the U scored a lofty ranking as the 107th most sexually healthy campus out of 141 universities rated by Trojan Condoms. There is truly nothing quite as satisfying and rhythmic as leaving a packed stadium chanting in unison, “We’re No. 107! We’re No. 107!” To commemorate this event, U administrators will soon be hanging a new banner between the two already draped over Rice-Eccles Stadium: “12-0 Fiesta Bowl Champions; 13-0 Sugar Bowl Champions; 107…err…Condom Rating.” We have finally arrived.

For those of you wondering how this makes U fans winners, consider the fact that the U outscored BYU by 30 points, its ranking filling the 137th spot. That’s a blowou… err… a really good score. Yeah. Good for us, huh?

OK, it’s time I faced the facts. I can’t live the lie any longer. The truth is neither school did all that well. It shouldn’t come as a surprise. As a Utah native, I can attest that it took me several years to recognize the difference between a condom and an irregularly shaped balloon. Imagine the wonder of my first grocery store encounter: “Wow! A whole aisle of balloons! This is AWESOME!”

In high school, I remember health class having a few lasting and traumatic effects. For example, with a deft use of 10-year-old video cassettes, my health teacher ensured I would be too terrified to ever try cocaine or give birth: “OK, so far so good…oh…oh…OK…that’s not so bad…oh…wait…what the…what are they…AAAAH! AAAH! WHAT’S HAPPENING TO HER!? AAAAHHH!” Meanwhile, my knowledge of condoms remained undeveloped:

Craig: So, what about condoms?
Health teacher: What’s that, Craig? You want to watch the STD video again? OK, I’ll just put it up on the big screen…
Craig: No, please! I’ll be good.

That’s not to say I’ve had no experience with condoms. In fact, more than once I’ve used them to decorate the car at wedding receptions. Unfortunately, that wasn’t included in any of Trojan’s 13 rating categories, which included silly things such as “student opinion of health center” and whether condoms and contraceptives were available on campus. Well, that’s the problem right there. Trojan completely overlooked some crucial criteria that both U and BYU students can relate to:
1. Number of students who have wrapped a rear-view mirror in an extra-large condom.
2. Survey of student body to see who can sing a song about abstinence that was learned in high school.
3. Availability of SpoonMe frozen yogurt parlors.
4. Percentage of male students who enjoy watching “While You Were Sleeping.”
5. Frequency of boys asking girls on dates by leaving a cute puzzle on their porch (BYU takes the lead!).

Seriously, what was Trojan thinking? In the meantime, the U and BYU can take solace in the fact that both schools totally wasted DePaul University, which was ranked last place at No. 141. Take that, DePaul! I guess this is just what you can expect when a balloon manufacturer tries to rate universities on sexual health. Plus, its balloons are totally crappy.
We’re No. 107! We’re No. 107! We’re No. 107!

Final Note: If you are at all interested in checking out another column I've written, one of my favorites can be found here.


Seneca said...

Haha that was hilarious... I go to ASU where....uh....you can purchace condoms in the shape of a flower around Valentine's day. How romantic.

Bridger W. said...

I think you missed a big opportunity in not calling this "Condom Column: Uncut! Longer! Wilder! Funnier! Edition."

Bridger W. said...

I'd also like to point out that your blog's format has gone haywire.

jaime said...

Craig, I too have felt uniformed about condoms in my life. It wasn't until the movie "Never Been Kissed" that I finally realized that the banana was representing a penis!! I think the public health school system coulda tried a little harder (heehee) in informing us.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.