Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Message from the Cosmos

One of the things I like to do occasionally is check my horoscope. I'm a Cancer, which says a lot of really significant things about my personality. For example, according to, my "charismatic marks" are my medium build, round face, prominent breasts, and a tendency to take charge. I totally agree, my breasts have always been really important to me. That's why I recently bought a collection of low-cut blouses. I hope that as a result of this blog people will start paying more attention to my prominent breasts. I have some really charismatic breasts that will no longer be denied your attention!

The website continues to remind me about some of my dislikes, according to the cosmos they are - "Strangers, revealing of personal life, any criticism of Mom." That's true. If you introduce me to a stranger, delve into my personal life, or criticize my mother you run the risk of being smashed to death by an astroid.

Anyway, I would like to debrief you on a few of my current and upcoming horoscopes -

This Week:
This week you'll follow your logic and forget about your innate intuition! You'll find it hard to make sense of a puzzling circumstance on Tuesday. Use your brain cells to understand your life scenario, as the Moon, your ruler, squares foggy Neptune in your zone of inner wisdom. You're ready for a vacation from your responsibilities on Thursday. You'll concentrate on having fun as the Sun conjuncts Mercury in your sector of amusement. You'll do your chores over the weekend.

Oh... yeah... I'll just use the brain cells for when the moon squares in my zone of inner wisdom with... Neptune. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Well of course I will. What else would I do? Oh, and then all the conjucting going on in my sector of amusement. Yeah... saw that one coming. All that conjunction is going to be way cool.

And last, I appreciate the straight-forward prophetic warning, "You'll do your chores over the weekend." I imagine the hopelessness I feel by that decree is kind of how the parents of Oedipus felt. It won't be until after I have finished my chores this weekend that I will realize, "Wait! What have I DONE!?" All of my efforts to avoid doing my chores will in and of themselves condemn me to the same fate. "Ha! I won't do my chores! I'm too busy cleaning these dishes to... damn it!" Chores are my destiny.

After getting a good understanding of how this week is going to go, I was curious to know what the cosmos have in store for my love life. Well I'll tell you. According to the Psychic Guild -
No other sign romances better, equally though, no sign takes it so badly when romance turns sour either. But with their changeable natures Cancerians are fascinating, mysterious, stimulating and extremely alluring. This sign is one of the most magic of all and once their magic has reached you, they are the most beguiling companions. After all, isn't the Moon the most talked about and romantic galactic identity?

So the most important thing we've learned here is that I'm extremely alluring. If you don't think so, it's because my magic hasn't reached you yet. Once it does reach you, I plan on beguiling the crap out of you. You won't know what to do with yourself. And if you don't believe it, well then you have clearly ignored the fact that the Moon is the most romantic galactic identity. Face the facts, I'm an extremely alluring, beguiling sort of guy. That's right, I'm one of the most magic of all the signs, you never stood a chance. Doubtful? Well maybe you forgot about this!

Final Note: Feel free to share your sign/horoscope and what cosmic truth it tells us about yourself. But if you don't want to, fine. I understand, because if anyone tries to get any personal information out of me, they are crossing the bounds of my cosmic dislikes, and I will pray that they are eventually smashed to death by a shooting star.


derek w. said...

The mileage you're getting out of that graduation photo is incredible. I love it.

Bridger W. said...

I like the more subtle approach you took with the black square behind your head this time. A classy and understated way to let your massive rack do the talking.

jaime said...

Craig, I'm glad you chose to share you zodiac sign and let us delve more into who Craig really is! This is truly magnanimous of you!

According to Zodiac Central my sign, Libra, "is the only zodiac symbol that's neither animal or human, but surely that doesn't make me any less human!" I'm so glad they cleared that up! I was worried that with my sign being scales that I was less of person than all the others! Now I know that is not the case.
It also says that my greatest strengths are "my grace and charm". Which everyone knows I never trip and I'm like a beguiling serpent I'm so charming! It's so crazy how accurate these things are!!
One last thing, it says "that a Libra can sense what others want before they ask for it". Just another confirmation that I have some psychic ability myself. I will begin to read fortunes between 5pm and 5:12pm every day if you would like to know what your future holds!

Melissa said...

I had an awesome experience the other day, when a woman at a retail establishment gave me and Jordan an impromptu astrological evaluation of our personalities (and relationship). Jordan got to be even-tempered and easy going. I'm apparently stubborn, hard-working, ambitious, and driven by material wealth.

That's the kind of customer service I can appreciate.