Friday, December 31, 2010

A Salute to 2010

2010 has finally come to a close. This year I made many large decisions, such as moving to a new state, beginning law school at the University of Denver, and buying a see-through shower curtain. However, some things stayed exactly the same. With no difficulty at all I remained true to my conviction to drink whole milk, and considering I have had nearly the same haircut since 2003, I can't imagine why 2011 would be any different from any other year since then. However, my bones are stronger than they've ever been, and last week a girl who does eyelashes told me I have beautiful, thick eyelashes. That is why, in 2011, I'm going to bat my eyelashes more, and I'm going to find some use for my whole milk-fortified, powerful bones; such as ultimate fighting. And in 2011, when people ask me if I'm a lover or a figher I will bat my beautiful eyelashes and say, "I am a lover, and I am also a fighter. I'm an ultimate fighter."

Before I launch into some of my bests and worsts of 2010, I finished a song today. Remember, when I share a song I expect only praise. Tons of praise. Since it is the last one I finished in 2010, here it is:

Craig Blake - Not Like the Movies



Best Movie: This is a very, very difficult decision. I don't think I'm going to be able to pick between True Grit and Inception, but both of them were great movies. If the world of Inception actually existed, I would spend all my time filling my dreams with safes. Every night I would dream of at least 1 million safes. Then no one would be able to figure out which safe had my secrets in.

Anyway, I thought both of those movies were spectacular, but I also feel like I ought to mention Amelie. Amelie didn't come out this last year, but I did watch it for the first time in January of 2010, and I love it. Also, considering the fact that it came out in 2001, it has all the required numbers. It's a French movie. It's a good time.

Another honorable mention goes to Best Worst Movie, which is a documentary about Troll 2. I saw it at a live screening with the director and some of the original actors from Troll 2 and it was probably my giddiest moment of 2010.

Worst Movie: Defendor. This movie is miserable. The only good part of this movie was watching Woody Harrelson throw babyfood jars of angry bees at people. I wish that the entire movie was just Woody Harrelson throwing jars of angry bees at people.

An honorable mention goes to Zardoz. 1970's Sean Connery in the future wearing a red ensemble composed of a diaper, knee-high hooker boots, suspenders and a flowing pony tail. How could this have possibly gone wrong?






Favorite Band:I went through tons of music this year thanks to my employment at Overstock.com. While I was hard at work getting people to look at our selection of armoires I would shuffle through loads of music, and so this is a tough decision. However, I think I might have to go with the Detroit Cobras this year. There is literally not a single song they have ever produced that I don't like to listen to, and that is an achievement.

Best Modern Songs: This section might be up to some debate, but I'm going to attempt an honest ranking system. However, I don't think you should feel too limited by this. This may or may not reflect what I actually think.

First Place: The Detroit Cobras - The Real Thing - I still cannot get enough of this song. Listening to it for an extended period of time will turn me into a sweaty clapping mess.

Second Place: Super-Furry Animals - Run Away - When I first heard this song I listened to it on repeat for literally about 1 and 1/2 hours. I couldn't stop listening to it. The next time I listen to this song that many times I will probably be sobbing and wearing nothing but a long nightshirt.

Third Place: Mark Sultan - Go Berzerk - I think Mark Sultan deserves your respect.


Honorable mentions in this category will also be awarded to:
The Magnetic Fields - Long-Forgotten Fairytale - I do a pretty exciting dance in the shower to this song.
The Detroit Cobras - Out of This World - These gals do it again.
The Films - Holiday - Fun time.
Johnny Flynn - Tickle Me Pink - This is a more recent addition, but I've had a great time with this song for the past two weeks. This is a silent plea for someone to tickle me. Go on.
LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yrself Clean - There are so few listenable 9 minute songs in the world. Why not give this one a try?

Best Old Songs:

First Place: The Beatles - Honeypie - I have whistled this tune nearly non-stop for 3 months. Everyone loved it.

Second Place: The Undertones - Get Over You - I feel like this band deserves a lot more of my attention than it sometimes gets. Today, publically, they are getting it.

Third Place: Bay City Rollers - I Only Want to be With You - This is another song that will throw me into a toe-tapping, delirious fit.


Honorable mentions in this category will also be awarded to:
Edison Lighthouse - Love Grows Where my Rosemary Goes - They nearly made the cut thanks to how often I sang this song during finals weeks directly into the ears and face of Kirstin D.
Eddie Cochran - C'mon Everybody - This song is a great time, and I think Eddie Cochran deserves a lot more attention from people who like Elvis. People who like Elvis haven't given him enough attention, so I have to give him attention.
Timi Yuro - If I Never Get to Love You - Timi Yuro has an attitude. Timi Yuro goes buckwild.
Diane Renay - Watch Out Sally - I think this gal was really ahead of her time. She also has another fantastic song called Kiss Me, Sailor. I'd be very happy to own this CD, "Navy Blue" but it is apparently very rare, like The Last Unicorn.

Best Worst Songs:

First and Only Place: Lou Bega - Mambo No. 5 - Without Mambo No. 5, law school could have easily been a gray, joyless, spirit-sucking endeavor. Thanks to Mambo No. 5, law school has been a bucket of laughs!




Best Restaurant: This year I was forced to eat my fairshare of sweaty, taco, meat cubes. I have been completely unable to find a decent taco in Colorado. Every time a slippery, wet, sweaty meat cube hoodwinks its way into my stomach, I wish I was at the Taco Stand on 800 S. and State St. downtown Salt Lake City: Tacos Don Rafa. This year they were once again open for Christmas Day at 10:30 p.m. For their dedication, quality, price, and willingness not to serve up cubed, sweaty, snotmeat, I award upon them my favorite restaurant of 2010. It is fantastic to finally eat a good taco.

Worst Restaurant: This is a two-pring award -

1. Crappy Taco Place in Breckenridge, Colorado - They advertise "Real Mexican Food" on their sign. But I'm pretty sure that the people of Mexico aren't accustomed to eating their sweaty, suck tacos. Thanks for nothing crappy taco place in Breckenridge, Colorado. A person could truly serve me ground kitten meat with some seasoning and it would blow this cubed, sweaty, wet meat out of the water.

2. Crappy Mexican Food Place Somewhere in Colorado - I may not remember where you are Crappy Mexican Food Place Somewhere in Colorado, but my back will become crippled several years prematuraly thanks to your chairs. Bad chairs? Bad form. Bad form Crappy Mexican Food Place. Secretly charging for the generally complimentary chips and salsa appetizers? Bad show. Bad show Crappy Mexican Food Place.

Best TV Show: The Walking Dead - I didn't watch an awful lot of television this year, and The Walking Dead did it's very best to fill the gaping hole in my heart that Heroes left. It didn't quite fill the entire thing, but I look forward to what it can do for me in 2011.

And of course, The OC wins the true first place award. I never, ever get tired of watching The OC. When was the last time Anna Stern turned your heart into liquid by moving back to Pittsburgh? Too long:


Worst TV Show: I didn't really watch any bad television I didn't like this year, but I did watch a ton of Campus P.D. and Ninja Warrior. At least one of the two is really crappy television that I do enjoy watching.



Best Vacation: I really enjoyed going to Moab with some friends this last summer. I had an absolutely excellent time. My favorite moment was playing fairly embarrassing pool games while some girls watched us from the hot tub.



I've had enough. Happy New Year.

In closing, here is another song I finished recently that seems fitting because it says "It's Over" several times.

Craig Blake - Told You So

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Recap: Finals, A Wedding, Christmas, and Movie Reviews

I'm sorry to say my posting has been few and far between lately, but I swear I have some good excuses. I promise I'll change, and we'll be together.

Since late November I have been busy pretty much all the time. I began and finished my first set of law school finals, which was truly a miserable experience. My largest complaint with law school finals is there is no one readily available to feel bad for you. Considering nearly everyone I know in Denver is a law student, you don't get an awful lot of sympathy from them when you complain about the misery of finals. The joy of complaining is to have other people feel sorry for you, but law students are already occupied feeling sorry for themselves. In the effort to find someone who will feel sorry for them, law students turn mostly to Facebook or seeking out conversations like this:

"Oh hello...I'm doing great, totally fine! Feeling wonderful! Just wonderful! Really nice day. Couldn't feel better, really...Well, I am very tired...Oh, it's nothing. Nothing at all...Well, you know, just a lot of work lately... Oh, no big deal. It's just school...I'm in law school...I'm taking my law school finals right now...yes, I'm very tired...It's just horrible, I feel completely horrible...my life has never been worse actually...Yes, terrible...I am a sad, sad human being...Anyway, I would like a #6 with a root beer."

It's exhausting just thinking of the energy I'm going to expend next semester trying to make people feel sorry for me.

Craig's Finals Low Point: One night I nearly lost my mind. In response I went to the grocery store and bought myself 5-quarts of ice cream to help drown my tears. This was a good reminder that even though I'm a 24 year-old man, I grapple with extreme pressure like a 40 year-old woman facing a crisis.

Craig's Finals High Point: When I finished my last final, Civil Procedure, I went to a party for a few hours, went home, and fell asleep on my couch while eating a bowl of ice cream. This was a good reminder that even though I'm a 24 year-old man, I celebrate like a 40 year-old woman facing a crisis.



Anyway, I did survive finals, and soon afterward I was heading home to Salt Lake City. Two days after I arrived I was in a minivan with four other guys on our way to Huntington Beach, California to attend the wedding of my friend, Scott. Scott is an excellent guy, and he doesn't read my blog, so I will recap his wedding and the rest of the trip in a few points:

1. Scott and I met in 9th grade when we would spend every day immediately after lunch flooding the bathroom toilets with toilet paper. Petty vandalism lays a solid foundation for lifelong, rewarding friendships. I can't express how great a friend Scott is and has been without undermining my street cred(entials), so I won't go into detail, except to say he is a truly great person and friend. Congratulations to Scott and Jenesee.
2. The wedding dinner was held at the restaurant at the end of the Huntington Beach pier, called Ruby's. It's the building in the picture of the beach right there. What an incredible idea.
3. We spent a fair amount of time playing Super Smash Brothers on our trip, including in our parked and running minivan in a parking garage somewhere in Hollywood. Beautiful California.
4. It rained every day until the last day, just in time for the wedding and reception. This paved way for probably the best wedding reception I have ever been to. I ate tons of cheesecake. The temporary shame I felt while sliding 3 large pieces of expensive cheesecake onto my dessert saucer was immediately deflected by the eternal reward of eating three large pieces of expensive cheesecake. (The bride's father specifically told me I could eat all I wanted, and I believed him.)
5. I got a great deal buying a $65 shirt for $20. The buttons on the way down spelled "BURTON." Unfortunately, the "R" fell off and has gone missing. Now it spells "BUTON," which means "Button" in spanish. Now spanish-speaking people will be able to clearly identify that my shirt has buttons.
6. My aunt and uncle let us stay at their place, which was very nice of them. I award upon them an honorable mention.



Upon the most uncomfortable trip home I've ever experienced, I was home for Christmas. I love Christmas. I had a wonderful time. Now that I'm home until early January my main focus will naturally be French kissing.

And that is why I have been busy. All I ask is that you forgive me and things go back to the way they were.

Here is a list of the movies I've seen recently and how I felt about them:

A. Tron - Good/Enjoyable. Not a critical gem, but I very much enjoyed it.
B. True Grit - Excellent. Incredible performances by all three leading men/lady.
C. The Fighter - Somewhere between Good and Excellent. This movie includes a character who I desperately wanted to light on fire. I wish she had spent the entire movie on fire. Woman on fire. Literally on fire.
D. Tangled - I really liked this show. Rapunzel may be my new favorite Disney princess.
E. Unstoppable - Somewhere between fine and good. I enjoyed it. This movie demonstrates how even something as fun as a totally unstoppable train can become a nuclear bomb so long as everything that could possibly ever go wrong does go wrong. Here is a synopsis:

Conductor: Denzel Washington, look, a runaway train.
Denzel Washington: I'm Denzel Washington.
Conductor: It's like a bomb.
Denzel Washington: I'll stop it.
Conductor: But it's (duh, duh, duh) UNSTOPPABLE!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Craig Blake: Human Butterfly Inside and Out

Three days ago I got home to my apartment at 11:00 p.m. to find the following notice taped on my door:

ATTENTION RESIDENTS:

Tomorrow, Thursday December 2nd, the concrete will be poured on the walkways outside your apartments. Between 8:30 and 5:00pm you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GO INTO OR EXIT YOUR APARTMENT. I apologize for the short notice and appreciate your understanding.

Since I hadn't really made plans for this beforehand, and I knew there was absolutely zero chance of me escaping my apartment before 8:30 a.m., I pretty much condemned myself to a day trapped inside my apartment. For about two hours the next day there was a man outside my door in the act of troweling cement. I know, because I stood silently against my door and peered at him through the peep hole for a moment. This should teach you two lessons:

1. Be careful what you do, because you never know when someone might be watching.
2. Craig is probably watching you.

However, the main point of this is that when I finally emerged from my apartment after my 8 and 1/2 hours of house-arrest (Like a butterfly springs from a cocoon. I don't have video of me finally leaving my apartment, but here is a video that will help you understand the difficult yet liberating process I experienced), the cement outside my door was the same stained, cracked cement that was there before. I can give no explanation for what happened to me on Thursday. I feel like somehow I have been tricked. That man wasn't troweling after all. I cannot imagine what he was actually doing. Somehow my apartment manager has fooled me into remaining trapped inside my apartment for an entire day, and I don't understand why. First the constant jackhammering, now this. But in exchange they did give me a $10 gift card to Jordan's, a local pub. The 3/4 of a sandwich I can purchase with this valuable gift card will make it all worth it.

I also enjoy this line from the letter: "I apologize for the short notice and appreciate your understanding." Extending this kind of credit was probably a mistake, because I did not understand. I spent the entire day thinking, "What is going on!? I don't understand!" They presumed a little too much about my capacity to understand. I'm going to start taping these type of notices to the manager's office door:

Dear Managerial Staff,

I've started my apartment ablaze. I apologize for the short notice and appreciate your understanding.

OR

Dear Managerial Staff,

I have coated this paper in a venereal disease. I apologize for the short notice and appreciate your undersanding.


Anyway, I did survive, so it turns out everything is going to be okay. As I told a friend earlier, during the ordeal there was a moment when I was lying on the cold tile, shivering, naked, and starving, and I didn't think I was going to make it. Then I remembered I could go sit on the couch and turn on the heater. Then I remembered I also have tons of food and clothes. Suddenly survival didn't look so out of reach.


Change of topic - Very shortly: Today I was talking to some friends about Christmas. I love Christmas, and the more I talked about it the more excited I became. Although my finals schedule has kind of prevented me from getting in 100 percent Christmas spirit, a few friends of mine watched a Christmas movie last night at our friend Will's house. It was an excellent time, and my Christmas excitement has increased. Meanwhile, here is a Christmas song I recorded (without a proper microphone, so enjoy the static) two years ago and distributed to my friends and family. Please keep in mind no one but Craig was involved in the recording of this holiday gem.

Craig Blake - Baby It's Cold Outside

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Tomorrow I'm flying to Utah for Thanksgiving. I thought I was going to be excited about this, but as it turns out I'm actually INSANELY EXCITED. I am really looking forward to it. (For you Salt Lake City residents, I'm sorry to say I'll be in St. George. Looks like you'll have to wait until Christmas to seduce me.)

Since I'll be leaving Denver for a week, I want to ensure the city and the people here don't forget everything they love about Craig:

- His powerful thighs.
- His high cheek bones
- His tendency to engage in fisticuffs.
- He's a patriot and a champion.
- Lifting weights.
- U.S.A.

To help the people of Denver remember me, here is something I recorded on my computer the other day, originally made popular by the Shirelles:

Craig Blake - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow


The crowd is fickle.

Anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to share a very condensed list of things I'm thankful for. Some of them will be so touching that you will feel totally touched. However, I'm going to severely limit these touching moments. I can't go around touching everyone all the time. What more do you want from me?


1. Tacos Don Rafa: This is a taco stand back home that I learn to appreciate more and more each time I leave Salt Lake City for an extended period of time. It's located on 800 South and State Street, facing east in the Sears parking lot, just in case you ever have a chance to visit. A good carnita taco is rare, just like The Last Unicorn. When I do get back to Salt Lake City, I'm going to get myself a good taco. When I go here, I know I won't have to eat a sweaty meat-cube taco. And that is worth my thanks.

"Look and see her, how she sparkles. It's the last unicorn! I'm aliiiiiiiiive. I'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive."
- The Last Unicorn

2. Finishing My Lawerying Process Memo: Today I finished my LP memo, and it made me sort of feel like I'm on a short vacation. Somehow, through my sometimes powerful tendency to procrastinate, I always manage to eventually force myself to finish important things. For the first time in a few months I don't feel like there is something really important that I must do right now. That is an excellent feeling. This way I don't have to spend any time brainstorming reasons why that thing isn't really THAT important.

3. Denver Law School Folk: I have truly met some excellent humans at DU. I wasn't distraught, but I wasn't necessarily ecstatic to get up and move to Colorado. I was happy for the opportunity, but it's always a bummer to leave home. The swell law students I have met have made it worth my while. If you live in Denver, go to law school, and are reading this, I'm probably talking about you specifically. Congratulations! Sure, why wouldn't I be?

4. Home Friends: Likewise, my friends from home are excellent people. The day before I left town, one group of friends got together and had a big dinner for me. Also, they passed around a card and stuffed it with money. One friend even gave me some art she painted. Another group threw me a surprise/not-so-surprise dinner. What grade-A citizens. I may have been the one awarded the Boy Scouts of America Citizenship in the Community merit badge at the age of 13, but you guys are the ones who really deserve it. (In this note I will also include my excellent family because I feel I'm going to exceed my touching limit.)

5. Chairs: Some of you might know that I spent somewhere between 3 and 4 weeks at my new apartment sleeping on a camping cot and sitting on my upside-down garbage can because I didn't have any furniture. I got used to the cot, but sitting on an upturned garbage can is not remotely comfortable. If chairs hadn't been invented, we would probably all be sitting on upside-down garbage cans today, and we'd all be totally pissed about it. Believe me.

6. Kittens: Aren't they adorable?


Monday, November 15, 2010

Craig's Current Interests

My last post marked a historic moment in my blogging career: 40 posts in 2010. That means, up to that point, I had averaged one blog post per week. That is a huge accomplishment. Then I failed to blog for the next two weeks. Now I'm going to have to work extra hard to win back your trust, your hearts, and your lips.

Here are a few things I've been really interested in lately:

1. Campus P.D.

I was really surprised by my interest in Campus P.D., because it's just like watching COPS (something I hate doing) except nothing exciting ever happens.There are no car chases, no foot chases...basically it's just (mostly) terrible college students being written insignificant tickets. Somehow, the complete absence of exciting content is what makes Campus P.D. so much better than COPS for me.

It's like I've discovered a new interest in sitting in a barren room alone (something I usually hate doing) as long as I'm also being punched in the crotch by a giant.

It makes no sense at all, but I find myself watching Campus P.D. all the time. There is something very satisfying about watching horrible, 18-year old college kids getting citations for urinating in public. It makes me want to find a guy urinating in public who I can push into a bush when he is most vulnerable so I can feel a similar satisfaction first-hand.

Speaking of that particular citation, I can't help but think about how this law came to be. The fact that a law exists prohibiting "urinating in public," means that at some point in time, probably several points in time, some important people sat around an official-looking table in an expensive room and said, "We need to do something about people peeing all over the place."


2. Forcing People to Listen to Lou Bega

When I find myself with a captive audience, I like to turn on Mambo Number 5. No one is exactly sure how to react to Mambo Number 5, because they are going through this inner turmoil:

Mind: No! Must...reassert...contr...THE TRUMPET, aaaaAAAAH!
Body: Deploy the shimmy!



3. Turkey Pot Pies

The first year after moving out of my parent's house, I ate beef pot pies pretty much exclusively. A giant, 6-year old clump of beef pot pie is probably still hanging in my intestines, undigested. I gave up pot pies for a few years, but now I'm back, just with a different meat. At this point my diet probably consists of:

Turkey: 3%
Cat Meat: 22%
Batter: 75%
Gravy: 200%
Goop: Tonz

I made this pie graph to help you understand:



4. Sleepover Parties

Technically I've only had one sleepover party recently, but I realized how much I have been missing in the time between now and 9th grade. I went snowboarding this last weekend, and it was excellent. But I had a great time during our sort-of-impromptu sleepover party afterward as well. I don't understand why this isn't a more constant part of my life:



One Thing I'm Not Interested In:

On the snowboarding trip this last weekend, my friends and I dropped in on a Mexican restaurant with a sign promising us, "Real Mexican Food." I love real carnita tacos more than anything, but I feel like it's a huge risk to order them pretty much anywhere. I took my chances, and was rewarded by a horrible Suck Taco. ("Suck Taco" coined by Kirstin.) Instead of carnitas, it turned out to be some sort of meat cube suck taco I had to suffer through. There is a reason most restaurants don't advertise "Sweaty Meat Cubes" on their menu.

Anyway, in the end I accidentally left my take-home box at the restaurant. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't so much accidental as it was my subconscious protecting my mouth from further assault.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

A Survey With a Song

First of all, I occasionally write and record songs. If you didn't know this, surprise! Sometimes I post them on the Internet. I'm going to do that now. Please keep in mind I recorded this sitting at my desk with a microphone and pretty low-quality equipment, so it isn't perfect. Also, this is the first song I've ever used my keyboard, so that's nice. If you hate this song, I still expect you to give me praise.

Craig Blake - Clever Lucy



Second, I think it's about time I reminded everyone what Craig Blake stands for. Here are a few things I stand for:

Doing my best
Giving money to charities
Trying my hardest
Doing good deeds
Winning sports
Hard work
U.S.A.
Being the best me I can be



Anyway, here are some other things you can learn about me, so you can finally know what I stand for.

1. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I don't have a mole in a weird place. I have milky smooth skin. Like a princess.

2. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? I taught myself how to play the harmonica, and I enjoyed every sexy minute of it.

3. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? If you sit next to me in a movie theater, one thing is guaranteed: my tongue is going to be in your mouth for two hours. Let this be a warning to you all.

4. What body part do you wash first? - Every morning I lower my body horizontally into a vat of Lysol.

5. Do you have any peircings? I don't have any piercings. No one likes a sloppy speller.

6. What's the strangest talent you have? I'm really good at the Indian Pointer Game. I have never lost. If you challenge me at the Indian Pointer Game (or the Native American Pointer Game, as it is now called), I'll make you reconsider your self-worth. Here is me permanantly damaging the right arm of a female co-worker to prove my masculinity:



7. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie. A beautiful, milky smooth innie. Like a princess.

8. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? Sour Cream and Onion.

9. Have you ever been tied up? Only when I'm doing magic tricks...which is constantly. "Hey, want to see a magic trick? Great, tie me up!"

10. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? I think I got grounded last for staying out too late and playing Lord of the Rings: Risk at my future sister-in-law's house. I was Hell on wheels!

11. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I follow my heart. "You're sure to do impossible things, if you follow your heart. Your dreams will fly on magical wings, if you follow your heart." - Thumbelina.

12. Have you ever had two dates in one night? No, just one at a time. When you factor in the solid 2 hours of theater French kissing, two dates in one night isn't very practical.

13. How many times have you been cussed out? Only once, by a taxi driver in Tijuana. I decided not to take his taxi, because I knew he was going to leave me in the desert pants-less.

14. Which shoe do you put on first? I put on any shoe I damn well please.

15. How old are you? I'm 24. I'm a real man.

16. Is there one thing all of your ex's have had in common? They all think I have milky, smooth skin. Like a princess.

17. Did you french kiss anyone before you were 16? Who didn't I French kiss before I was 16? I was rushing around French kissing everyone. "Let's French kiss," I used to say.

18. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? I'm an Eagle Scout. I've also used my pants as a floatation device.

19. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
Craig
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

20. What was your childhood nickname? My brother called me Poof for many years because I had a haircut my mother picked out of a female haircut magazine. Wise decision.

21. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I'm trying to forget.

22. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? I DO TONS OF WEIRD STUFF! I'M SO WEIRD!!!!

23. How do you normally eat your cookies? Just like a regular human.

24. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? To match my shoes.

25. Name something you do when you're alone? Grand larson.

26. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? Considering I've never had a drink and I'm fairly thin, I'm going to say about 27.

27. How often do you clean out your ears? Every morning. I know people say q-tips are unhealthy, but I'm never going to stop! I'M HELL ON WHEELS!! HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!

28. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? I fold it into a beautiful origami crane to ensure total coverage.

27. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? Every hour, on the hour.

28. Do you have any strange phobias? No, I'm too brave to have a strange phobia. You freaking baby.

29. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? I'm very sensible in bars.

30. Have you ever played naked twister? No. When I play Twister I wear an asbestos suit to persuade the other players to leave the mat.

31. Have you ever been drunk at work? I've never been drunk at all.

32. Do you want to bring sexy back? I wanted to bring sexy back way before it was cool. I was always like, "Hey guys, do you want to bring sexy back?" Everyone was like, "Stupid idea, Craig."

I don't know if you noticed, but there were 32 questions. That's Karl Malone's number. I did this survey to honor Karl Malone. He will live on in our hearts forever. He will also live forever in reality, because he is immortal.


Final Note: I have a friend named Bridger who writes an excellent, very funny blog called Please Don't Tell People. Give it a look or regret it for the rest of your miserable life.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Rat Urine, Zombies, and Deception

This post is going to cover several unrelated topics. Be an adult.

Today I read a case about a man who drowned in a pool of rat urine. I've tried my best to never drown in a pool of rat urine. So far, so good. There is no easy way to break that news: (read with morose voices)

Friend of the Deceased: What happened?
Lawyer: Well, he was simply swimming in a pool full of rat urine-
Friend of the Deceased: But he couldn't swim!
Lawyer: Yes, he drowned. He drowned in the pool of rat urine.

If you can't swim, the last place you should ever go willingly is a deep pool of rat urine. I can't imagine what this person was thinking, "Well, I'm a weak swimmer, and this is full of rat urine...CANNON BALL!"

Moving on.

It's nearly Halloween, and there is something that needs to be finally addressed publicly. There is a picture of a zombie floating around that looks exactly like me. Here is the picture:



Is that picture not incredibly uncanny? This is the mental conversation I had with myself when I first saw that, "There I am dressed as a zombie. Wait...I never did that...(brain explosion.)" - If you type "zombie" into a Google Image search, that picture is the second result. Incredible. I want to start putting that on my resume as evidence of an acting career.

Speaking of zombies, I'm pretty excited about the upcoming AMC series, "The Walking Dead." I know some people are a bit zombied out after the recent zombie-craze, but I am not. Please note Character Flaw B. At the end of most zombie movies I think, "Oh...it's over then? I was hoping there would be 22 more hours."

I'm hoping The Walking Dead can fill the hole in my heart that Heroes left when it forced me through two years of eye-ball scratching agony and then got itself cancelled. Here is the trailer. If you don't like it, then you have some growing up to do.



I like that the police officer in the trailer wears his police outfit throughout the trailer, even after the zombies show up. I'm hoping he does this because the zombies are wearing all of earth's remaining wardrobe finery. I like that story arc: "A small-town sherriff on a mission to wrestle an appropriate cocktail dress from the fashionable zombie horde."

Moving on.

The other day I had to go back and edit one thing in a post after some people had already commented on it. I really like that function. I like the idea of writing a perfectly nice blog, waiting for comments to come in, and then changing the content of the blog to something horribly offensive. That way I could write something or other, and maybe get this comment:

Candace Cameron says: Haha! I totally agree with you! I do that all the time!

And then I could change the blog post to say:

KILL PUPPIES!

Once Hollywood saw that, Candace Cameron's raging acting career would crumble.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Things No One Cares About

Today I got home from school and spent the next two hours sitting on my couch, trying to forget that I was in law school. This is a time-honored stress-reduction method I used during my undergrad. During my acquisition of an English degree I would occasionally come home, slump over my couch, and pretend I had nothing important to do. I once watched nearly an entire season of The Biggest Loser on the Oxygen network in one sitting during one of these sessions.

This blog post is an attempt to extend the amount of time I can waste denying reality. I just don't want to read case law right now.

Today I was shuffling through some of my character flaws, and I'd like to focus on one of them:

A. I'm usually pretty good at things that no one cares about.

This is kind of a shame. I wouldn't mind being naturally talented at a few things people care about, like basketball, break dancing, sewing, carving nudes, etc. People care about those things. It is my greatest anxiety that people occasionally think, "Craig would be cooler if he could carve a nude. I doubt that idiot has carved a single nude in his entire life."

I think this character flaw works hand-in-hand with character flaw B:

B. I'm easily attached to anything I like, and I'm very comfortable with repeating that thing over, and over again.

For example, I love Ultimate Frisbee. There was a time in my life (two summers ago) that a large group of people loved playing Ultimate Frisbee as well. Unfortunately, most everyone else quickly lost interest after the first several months of Ultimate Frisbee, which was tough on me, since I was perfectly happy to play Ultimate Frisbee with the same people, on the same field, once a week, every week for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, the combination of character flaw A and character flaw B usually means I'm very interested in doing all kinds of things no one else wants to do. Here is a short list of some of those things:

Things Craig Are Good At

1. The Limbo (and other party games) - I love the Limbo. I'm pretty incredible at the Limbo. In fact, I wouldn't mind expanding this to party games in general. The reason I'm better at party games than nearly anyone is because no one has ever cared to excel at party games as much as me. That is actually the same reason why I'm better at all things that no one cares about; because there are people out there who want to be good at football. But no one is as determined to be the best at finding a Starburst hidden in a pile of flour with just his mouth as I am. When I'm engaged in a party game, I have the advantage of knowing that no one cares about winning as much as I do.

2. Mechanical Bull Riding - Most people ride mechanical bulls to have fun with their friends. I ride mechanical bulls to prove my thighs are stronger than yours. If there is one thing I value, it's building a reputation for my thighs.

3. Mafia - This is a game you play with a large group that basically results in people loudly arguing with each other. I am good at this game because I'm way more willing than others to make people hate me in order to win. Not to mention, I'm wildly persuasive. I could persuade you out of your pants. That's why I went to law school. I want to go into pants law. - "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please relinquish your pants."

4. Karaoke - Contrary to popular belief, you don't need a incredible voice to excel at karaoke. What you need is loads of enthusiasm. I spent years horrified of karaoke, and just last year realized it is pretty much the only thing I care about. I will sing right into your face until your ears explode.

6. Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup - I know I've discussed this before, but I honestly could be the best Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup player on this planet, because I might be the only person on this planet who ever cared to play this very mediocre, 7 year-old Playstation 2 game. I recently told a friend that I wish Harry Potter was a liquid, so I could just lie around in it. This is one of my attempts to do that.


Anyway, I'm good at a few other things, but they are equally obsolete as the things I've already talked about.

Final Note:
- My friend Melissa has an excellent blog. She recently wrote a post that I think was really great. Hopefully she'll continue writing more often.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Do What the Panda Says

Get a load of THIS!



I think that's a pretty good series of commercials.

I'd like to remind you again, my friend Bridger began a blog called Please Don't Tell People. It's a really great idea, and if you don't get on board, you'll be behaving like a child.

That's all I have for you today. I'm mentally exausted. Posting that video and typing the last few tiny sentences mentally exausted me.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Law School Corner - Consideration

Hey there everyone. I have recently gotten sick. I don't know exactly how it happened, but this all began after I went to an event featuring dueling pianos. The concept is that you have two guys and two pianos, and they play and sing basically any song that is requested and the audience sings along, including me. Just know this: when I sing along, I SING ALONG. I am serious about singing along.
Immediately after the dueling pianos party, my throat began to get itchy until yesterday, when I turned into a giant, sweaty, burning hot, wet mess all over my body. I think I might have caught a contagious, disgusting disease by singing. Last night I woke up 4 times in the middle of the night. I tell you this mostly so you will feel bad for me and give me attention.

Now, let me tell you a little bit about going to law school.

Here is a handy fact I picked up the other day that you could apply in your very own life. Today's lesson: Consideration. Consideration is an aspect of Contract law. Contrary to common believe, a contract can be formed without a written document. Most contracts can be simply oral promises, so watch your back.

Consideration is a concept that helps courts decide whether or not a promise is enforceable. So although a promise might have been made, the law will basically say it can't be enforced unless it has consideration.

The quickest test to gauge if consideration exists is the Bargain-Exchange Method:

1. Did the promisor make the promise in order to induce the promisee to do (or not do) something?
2. Did the promisee do (or not do) that thing in order to recieve the promise made by the promisor?

Here is an example of a promise where there is consideration, and is thus enforceable:

Promisor: Hey Craig, if you give me your Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman DVD's, I will give you my authentic mountain man outfit.

Craig: You've got yourself a deal! What a fool! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In this example, the Promisor makes a promise to give me his mountain man outfit in order to induce me to give him my Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman DVD's. In turn, I am giving him my Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman DVD's so that he will give me his mountain man outfit. In this case, there is consideration and either side could sue if either of us failed to live up to our promises.

Here is an example of a promise where there is no consideration:

Promisor: Tell you what Craig, take my authentic mountain man outfit. You need it more than I do.

Craig: You've got yourself a deal. What a fool! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In this case, I didn't do anything in order to get the promisor to give me his authentic mountain man suit, and he isn't giving it to me in order to induce me to do anything. Thus, there is no consideration and he is not legally obligated to give me his mountain man suit. If he decides later, "Gee, this mountain man outfit really apeals to my wacky sense of style. Craig can rot in Hell, without so much as an authentic mountain man outfit!" then I have no legal recourse to get him to give me his mountain man outfit.

Obviously these examples are pretty simple, but for more difficult cases, you still apply the same Bargain-Exchange Method. Basically, consideration ensures you don't make a gratuitious promise, like offering to give a gift, and then get sued for never doing so. This is good news for me, because no one can sue me to collect on all the French kisses I have promised in the past.
Meanwhile, I have somehow tricked you to read law school curriculum. Now, don't you feel like a fool?

Anyway, we'll see if anyone finds this interesting. This is a Law School Corner test run. What I learned from the last post is that if I leave anything on the Internet long enough, I can even get two comments without resorting to dancing like a fool, alone in my apartment.


Final Note: There are some exceptions when a promise is still enforceable, even without consideration. I'm not going to talk about them. Just know these exceptions are likely perilously hanging over your head, waiting to crush your soul. If you only promise to French kiss a few people, you'll probably be safe. French kissing is the number one issue clogging our litigation system.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Hats Off to Fashion and Charm

Today I watched some Project Runway. The main principal of Project Runway is that every time Craig says, "That's a dumb hat," Heidi Klum says, "What a fashionable hat!" Apparently, these hats...




...aren't dumb hats, they are actually really, really cool hats. Turns out wearing an inverted umbrella on your head is a really sleek fashion. So many opportunities wasted. I'm sure I'm not alone. How many rust ceramics have you failed to strap to your face? How many times have you given up the chance to wear a humongous polyester flower on your head? Now, don't you feel like a fool?

Anyway, I feel like a lot of blog-worthy thoughts have been zooming by lately, but I have struggled to remember them. Despite the fact that I occasionlly take time out of my busy schedule to film and edit instructional sexy dancing videos, I'm actually fairly busy lately. I can't just dance sexily all the time. I have to attend school now so I can protect a future full of seduction. Putting that sexy, sexy future in peril is my greatest anxiety.

Meanwhile, my friend Elizabeth recently posted a song I thought was very charming. So I've gathered 5 charming songs total. Prepare to be charmed. (3 of the 5 were made public by Elizabeth, and I am riding her coattails, figuratively and literally. Elizabeth wears the finest penguin-tail tuxedos.) You are about to be charmed to shreds:

1. The Zombies - The Way I Feel Inside



2. Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters - Tonight You Belong to Me



3. The Beatles - Honey Pie



4. Zooey Deschanel - Hello Dolly



Kyu Sakamoto - Ue O Muite Aruko

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Art of Seduction

This morning I was watching CNN while I ate a bowl of Apple Zingers, because I'm an adult. The good news is nothing terrible happened in the world yesterday or this morning. I could tell, because the news anchors were focusing on the following two stories:

1. A wakeboarding dog.
2. Researchers at the University of Northumberland have discovered which dance moves women find most attractive.

It's times like these that I'm grateful for research universities. These guys have really cut to the root of the problem: What use is curing Cancer if men are incapable of getting out on the dance floor and turning women on?

This is an effective use of science. Well, men who read this blog, I have some instructional videos for you. Women who read this blog, prepare to be totally turned on. The videos will be as follows:

1. The original digital rendering video straight from the University of Northumberland, including a commentary by a man who clearly knows how to seductively move his body.

2. Another digital rendering video featuring music, so you can get a better idea how you should be moving in the real world.

3. A real, live demonstration of the Northumberland Sexy Dance Techniques by me.


Here you are:

1. Original Video:



2. Spicy Video:



3. Craig's Video:



What I've learned is that when it comes to impressing women with your dance moves, you have to go big. The University of Northumberland, the dance capital of the world, would know.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Drunker You Are, The Better I Dance

When I moved to Denver from Salt Lake City, I realized that people might be hesitantly curious about my religion of choice after I told them, "I'm from Utah." And although it's pretty obvious, I guess I didn't really think about how significant that is. To at least a few people, I am now, "the Mormon guy," which isn't really how I've ever characterized myself in the past. This brings up a few interesting situations. Being Mormon in Salt Lake City isn't really a very interesting thing to be. In fact, being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (obligatory full name reference) is common enough in Utah that even if I hadn't been a member, people probably would have assumed I was. Being Mormon in Denver is apparently more interesting.

Anyway, one of these situations is bar hopping. Now, just in case I am about to be accused of naivety by a non-Mormon reader of the blog ("What!? Do they not teach you about bars in sunday school!? HAHAHAHA! HA! HA! HA!"), I'm not shocked by an outing to a bar. I've been to bars before. But considering I don't drink, if I go to a bar, I usually go to see a band play. ("I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis" - The Most Interesting Man in the World.) Since I can acquire a Dr. Pepper pretty much anywhere, the soda selection at a bar isn't really a hook for me.

Case in point: partying at a bar isn't something I generally spend loads of time doing. However, I did do it last weekend, and I had a great time. (Notice to people concerned about my Mormon-ness: Mormon-ness stable. Dr. Pepper consumption increased. Put all your fears to rest.) In fact, having a Mormon at a bar is pretty convenient, because everyone can drink as much as they want and still catch a ride home.

The second reason I don't usually go to bars, aside from the fact that I don't drink, is I'm not much of a dancer in the terms of "dancing at a bar." I can lay out a pretty mean Merengue, I can do the Cha Cha (thanks Ballroom Dance 1!), but when it comes to grinding my pelvis against someone else or just looking like a cool guy as I bounce to hip-hop music, let's face it, I'm doomed to failure. I don't ever expect to be dancing at a bar and for someone to think, "Cool dance!" or "I hope he brings that pelvis over here." That is why I'm grateful that most people in a bar are drunk or getting drunk. The drunker everyone else is, the harder it is to detect that I can't dance.

They're thinking: "Wow, that guy looked like a total fool a few hours ago, but now he's a dancing maniac!"

I'm thinking: "Drink up!"

Anyway, that is the major topic of discussion today. A few unrelated thoughts:

- If your name is Lulu B. Mcgee, fate has dealt you a bitter hand.

- I've had a major craving for Oreos lately. After basically ignoring Oreos for almost my entire life, I suddenly really want to eat Oreos.

- Now that I live in a studio apartment, I've gained the confidence to sing at the top of my lungs whenever I want, even though I know the walls are super thin.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Have You Thought of Craig Lately?

My friend Elizabeth suggested I fill out another one of these surveys. I thought that was a good idea, because it's about time I reminded people what I'm all about. These are some of the things I'm about:

Family Values
Freedom of the Press
The American Way
Being a Team Player
Getting Along
Team Work
Clean Fun
Working Together
Being Champions



Anyway, I filled out the rest of these questions to remind you about everything else I'm about. Also, my friend Bridger recently invented a genius web site called Please Don't Tell People. I think it is an absolutely brilliant idea. If you don't look at it now, people will tell you about it later and you'll feel like a total doofus.

And now I present to you, information about me! --

1. When's the last time you ran? - Two weeks ago, honestly. I ran playing Ultimate Frisbee two weeks ago. Now that Ultimate Frisbee, my only mode of exercise, has left my life, I can't think of any reason why my body won't atrophy and eventually crumble into a pile of dust.


2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? I have a full armoire packed to the brim with crisp, unused Kangaroo Jncos.


3. What are you dreading right now? I'm not dreading anything at the moment. I feel pretty calm about most everything. Whatever sinister force is out there creeping ever-closer to my eventual destruction is being really sneaky about it.


4. Do you celebrate 420? It is my special privilege, once a year, to celebrate the day Gerald Ford reported for active duty in the U.S. Navy in 1942. I wake up early on April 20 each year, wave an American flag and scream, "Give 'em Hell, Gerald!"


5. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? I really try to get 8 hours of sleep a night. Usually if I don't it's because I was doing something completely worthless that prevented it from happening. Sometimes I prefer just to stay awake because I think of all the things I have to do the next day and think, "If I go to bed, I'm going to have to do that stuff pretty much immediately."

6. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? - I'd be like, "Hey man, it's my lazy day. That's why I'm lying in this hammock."


7. Who last grabbed your ass? Myself. I just reached behind me and gave my butt a nice, firm squeeze.


8. Have you ever been on your school's track team? - I have indeed. I ran an awful lot. I threw-up after more races during track season than any other season.


9. Do you own a pair of Converse? I sure don't.


10. Did you copy and paste this survey? No, I entered each letter painstakingly into an ink printing press.


11. Do you eat raw cookie dough? I wouldn't say I do this enough to consider it, "something I do." But I have done this. To save money, I usually just slip the lid off the top while still in the store, lick my sopping wet tongue across the surface of the delicious raw cookie dough and pop the top back on.


12. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? - I don't think so, but I have punched a vending machine. I'm a gentleman, and gentleman do not kick. Gentleman engage in fisticuffs.


13. Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? I spent nearly an entire year listening to the oldies station, and I was disappointed by how little variety they had. Now I can never really listen to Boston again.


14. Do you watch Trading Spaces? - I've never watched it even once. If Trading Spaces suddenly disappeared, I'd never say, "Hey! What ever happened to Trading Spaces?!"


15. How do you eat oreos? - Just like I'd eat any other cookie. It can't expect any special treatment from me.


16. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? - Often I lay in wait for days until I see someone pop up in gchat, then I pounce, "Hi!"


17. Are you cocky? - I don't think I'm even remotely cocky. But I do think I'm fairly sure of myself when it comes to my opinion, which can be a little irritating, I'm sure.

18. Could you live without a computer? Yeah, but I'd be upset all the time. I'd be walking around thinking, "Everyone else has a computer! Why in the hell don't I have one?"


19. Do you wear your shoes in the house? I usually do. Don't you? Momma's boy?


20. Who or what sleeps with you? Every night I snuggle up with a musty, wild elk. But every morning I wake up alone.


21. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? This is an irresponsible question, and I won't participate.


22. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? Just one. Just the one I own.


23. What do you do when you're sad? I act as though I am not sad, so it is very hard to detect.


24. Who would you call first if you won the lottery? My brother, Curtis.


25. Last time you saw your best friend? - Before I left for Denver. And now I see them every night in my DREAMS! Hahahah! Ha! Haha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! HA!


26. Are you in high school? No. But I could probably still pass through a highschool undetected thanks to my youthful appearance.


27. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? The second I acquire a girlfriend I will begin slipping into her finery. Enough of these drab t-shirts and jeans! Hello summer dresses and cardigans!


28. Where do you work? I don't have a job anymore. I recently applied for loads of free money! Now I don't have to work ever again!


29. What are you doing tomorrow? I'm going to try my best! I'm going to live life to the fullest! I'm going to dream big! I'm going to drink life from a hose! Literally nothing stands in my way! My life starts tomorrow!


30. Favorite name for a girl? Vunnuhtie


31. Favorite name for a boy? Vanatee


32. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Yes, but I will be changing my first name to my wife's first name. I just want to be fair.


33. When was the last time you left your house? It was hours ago.


34. Do you return your cart? Returning my cart is one of the things I do that validates the fact that I haven't been murdered yet.


35. Do you have a dishwasher? No. I haven't had a dishwasher for years. I eat my meals right off the kitchen floor so I don't have to do my dishes by hand. I slop my food onto the floor, slop it into my mouth, and then scrub the kitchen floor until it is spotless.


36. What noise do you hear? Not a sound can be heard.


37. Would you survive in prison? Yes, I'm a survivor. But I'd be pissed all the time. I'd be like, "Everyone else has a computer! Why the hell don't I have a computer?"


38. Who is the youngest in your family? My little sister is 10 years old. She is a diamond in the rough, just like Aladdin.


39. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likey overpack? Craig no likey when friend's overpack!


40. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? The doctor who delivered me is named Craig. He's a family friend. I'm named after Craig.


41. What's the last thing you purchased? I bought a French Dip yesterday. It was pretty good. It's not a problem either, because I bought it with all the free money I was recently given.


42. What song best describes your life right now? Love You Tender by Ohjaaja

I love you, I want to love you tender
You could be my only sweet surrender
I would never bring you any kind of sorrow
You love me, you wanna love me tender
How can I be sure you're not pretender
You want me today, but what about tomorrow!

Oh, you're absolutely fine! Your lips are taste of wine! I like to think you're mine!
And if I could touch your hand, this rock would turn to sand! So this is where we stand!

Sweet, sweet words.



43. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? When I go out on the town, I coat my body in the odor of bat pheremones. Women are naturally attracted to bat pheremones. That's why so many women are having passionate trysts with bats.


44. Are you taking college classes right now? Today I finished my third day of law school in Denver. Nothing horrible has happened to me yet, but it's only a matter of time.


45. Do you like sushi? I will eat sushi, I think sushi is fine, but I'm not drooling all over myself to eat sushi. I think a huge number of people who, "LOVE! SUSHI!" actually think sushi is just okay.


46. Do you get your hair cut every month? I usually go 2 or 3 months and then decide, "I look totally ridiculous. I'm a hideous floppy mess!" Then I wait another 2 weeks and get a haircut.

Editor's Note: Please notify Craig as to the date of your Denver vacation as soon as possible.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I Live in Denver Now

Well, I officially live in Denver. I signed a lease. I plugged in my television. I bought a shower curtain. Those are the three domestic things I've done that, I think, qualify me as a resident of Colorado. Thus far most of my meals have been provided by my law orientation, which is good, because all I have is cereal and pb&j sandwich materials. Another fun fact about my situation is that I have no furniture. My condition is as follows:

- I'm sleeping on a camping cot.

- My computer desk = a dinner tray

- My TV stand = another dinner tray

- I'm sitting on an upside-down garbage can right now.


I've been so busy getting to know the city. Here are some of the fun things I've done -


I met the Denver Broncos Cheerleaders:



I enjoyed the outdoors:



I saw the big city:



I hung out at the law school:



Anyway, my apartment is actually pretty nice. It's a studio apartment, but it has a long hallway, and a walk-in closet. Plus, since I don't have any furniture, I have plenty of room. If my family never brings out my furniture, I might move into the walk-in closet and rent out the room and kitchen area.

One last thing. On the way here I saw an ad for a hotel that I thought was kind of fun. I can't remember the city, but for the purposes of this demonstration, we'll call it Stinking Hell Holeburg. In Sticking Hell Holeburg they have a sign that says, "Honey, let's stay at the Econolodge in Stinking Hell Holeburg, because there isn't any other lodging for 102 miles!" I thought this was a pretty honest approach to a business. It's like they got together and said, "Let's face it, this place totally sucks...we have nothing to offer customers except that we exist." I wish they went all the way and finished it off with "...and if we don't find shelter, we could be killed." I would love a restaurant based on this concept: "Honey, let's eat Ox Balls at the Poo Barn Buffet, because there isn't another restaurant for 102 miles! If we don't eat something we will starve and die."

Seriously, last thing: the drive to Denver was actually pretty nice. I rode the I-70 from St. George. Once I got out of the desert I'm pretty sure I just drove through Park City about 5 times and I was here. Then I had the ordeal of driving around the boonies of Denver for an hour and a half, thanks to Mapquest. But that is another story. Maybe I'll tell you about it one day!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Tire Trouble and Nazi Flying Saucers

In the last three days I have gotten 3 tire leaks in 3 of my car tires. I had 2 patched, but apparently one is un-patchable. Now I need new tires, and I'm driving around on a spare. Also, today I was told my 1991 Honda Accord's "control arm" is going out, which could cause me to lose control at high speeds. I then drove to work, positive that all four tires were about to explode simultaneously, and then my faulty "control arm" would start my body on fire. I'm living on the edge!

On one hand I think, "At least all these things are happening to my car before I drive to Denver." On the other hand I think,"S@#%!!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!! (Air punching)"

The other day I learned about a really bizarre Nazi religion. It's called Tempelhofgesellschaft, which according to Yahoo translator, means "Tempelhof company." You might be familiar with these other German companies: Microsoftgesellschaft, Kraftgesellschaft, and LA Stylesgesellschaft.

Anyway, here is a description straight from the Wikipedia page about Tempelhofgesellschaft:

They distribute pamphlets claiming that the Aryan race originally came to Atlantis from the star Aldebaran(this information is supposedly based on "ancient Sumerian manuscripts"). They maintain that the Aryans from Aldebaran derive their power from the vril energy of the Black Sun. They teach that since the Aryan race is of extraterrestrial origin (cf. Nordic aliens), it has a divine mission to dominate all the other races. It is believed by adherents of this religion that an enormous space fleet is on its way to Earth from Aldebaran which, when it arrives, will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica to establish the Western Imperium.



I have confirmed the accuracy of this Wikipedia entry by 2 other Google searches. Findings: accuracy confirmed. This religion is still practiced today.

Now, I'm not one to mock the religions of others, but it should be a pretty clear indicator that you have made a horrible mistake when an integral part of your core religious beliefs include the sentence, "will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."

For example, here are some other religions, amplified by this super-charged line of religious genius:

- "The earth will be baptized in flame and the righteous will be carried into heaven, where they will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "When you die, you will be born again as a squirrel, or a dog, or possibly a horse. Then you will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "The moment you reach Nirvana is the very moment you will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "Conflict will break out in the valley of Armageddon, and the armies will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."

Another chink in the armor of Tempelhofgesellschaft is that everyone knows Atlantis was actually populated by psychic mermaids.



Editor's Note: I'm leaving town for good on Thursday afternoon. Use this opportunity to give me more attention and affection than usual. If you ever wanted to give me a French kiss, the time is now.