Friday, January 8, 2010

I Know Now Why You Cry


One of the things I'm really bad at is being sad about things. It's not that I never get sad, it's just that I'm not very good at expressing the tell-tale signs of sadness. I'm like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday, I can't really cry, and the day I really cry is the day I will finally know that I love Jude Law.

But until then, I've gathered four examples of times that I get a bit misty-eyed, in order to persuade you that I'm completely capable of approaching tears in a number of embarrassing and inconsequential ways. Here you are:

1. When Vice-President Glenn Close tells the American people in a press release to pray for the president in Air Force One. I don't get emotional when I'm asked to pray for the president in reality. It only works if the president is Harrison Ford, his plane has been hijacked by terrorists from Kazakhstan, and his family is being held hostage by Gary Oldman. Now that is something to pray about. That is something to cry about.


2. When I watched a season marathon of The Biggest Loser on the Oxygen Network. Granted this only happened once, but I remained seated on the couch for nearly an entire day watching one season of The Biggest Loser from beginning to end. When my roommate got home in the middle of an especially touching moment, I had to pretend I wasn't touched. "The Biggest Loser? What? I'm not emotionally attached to this. My eyes are not moist! Of course not, that would be totally silly! I was just flipping through the channels during the commercial break of Die Hard with a Vengeance. I EFFING LOVE Die Hard With a Vengeance." But truth be told, in spite of the fact that I weigh 135 pounds and am pretty much incapable of gaining or losing weight, I apparently have a powerful emotional response to the struggles of people who are several hundred pounds overweight.

3. Kerri Strug. Almost any Olympic medal ceremony will send me to the brink of tears, but the 1996 women's gymnastics team had Kerri Strug: the human equivalent of a three-legged dog rescuing a drowning baby. Watching her coach carry her to the podium, and then watching her sing along to the national anthem as she limped around made me want to wave an American flag over my head, and then use that flag to javelin a British horse in patriotic fervor. My 9 year old eyes were fighting for control.





4. Any sad musical montage ever featured on The OC. This includes, but is not limited to when Ryan moves back to Chino, when Seth runs away to Tahiti, when Caleb dies, when Marissa dies, when Johnny dies, and the most traumatic, when Anna moves back to Pittsburgh. This is probably the main reason why I don't really cry all that much. After watching Anna move back to Pittsburgh, everything else sad paled in comparison. Don't watch either of these videos if you want to be able to retain the capacity to express sadness in the future about anything unrelated to the olympics, weight loss, or Glenn Close.







Last of all, I put together a small collage of celebrities crying. If nothing has made you cry yet, I hope this will.



Final Note: In the quote at the top, I meant that it was said by the Terminator...not that it was in the movie "The Terminator." It was actually said in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, just for your information.

7 comments:

Seneca said...

haha oh my gosh. My favorite was reason number two.

20 Something said...

This post is terrific. I hate that I to cry over shows, reality or not, more then my own life. . . .

Cassidy said...

I still don't understand your torment over the Ana thing. Get her out of here and bring on Summer!

StephanieRose said...

I hear you loud and clear on the OC thing. I also started laughing almost hard enough to cry.. do you ever do that?

Bridger W. said...

Did you create that opening image? It's incredibly tasteful.

jaime said...

I'm gonna tell you right now that the two celebrities on the left are faking it!! You can't fool me! They should go back to acting class!

Ps- I totally cry watching the biggest loser every single time I stumble upon it...those poor fatties!

Craig Barlow B. said...

Bridger, I totally made that opening image. Courtesy of microsoft paint. The only problem is that after I made it, I couldn't remember how I did it. that off-pink background really did the trick. But apparently it is a one-time only feature.