This week I will be attending three weddings in a row on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I thought that was pretty crazy, and then I realized, my day has finally come! All these years of watching movies featuring two unlikely yet perfect-for-each-other individuals fall in love by their uncanny ability to run into each other constantly has finally been matched by something equally unlikely happening in my own life. This is how it's going to go -
Wedding Number 1: Jordan Smith and Melissa Campbell
At this wedding I will just so happen to meet a girl. Of course I won't like her very much at first. Chances are she will be a waitress who spills something on me or accidentally hits me in the nose with her elbow resulting in a bloody nose that she feels obligated to awkardly mash napkins into.
Of course, we could also hit it off immediately, and I drive her home after her douchey boyfriend forgets to pick her up. I have a feeling it's going to be this guy:
Wedding Number 2: Andrew Cantwell and...the girl he is going to marry
In a shocking turn to the both of us, me and--how about we call her Meg?--Meg and I will discover we are once again at the same wedding. At this one, chances are she will be a bride's maid, or sister of the bride, or something like that. Eventually we will find ourselves in a real pickle, arguing in hushed tones under a table-clothed table while people eat above us, as we wait for them to leave so nobody knows we were there. At first inconvenient, we will find that we are forced to spill our souls out to each other.
Once again we'll head home, without contact information. Douchey boyfriend probably shows up and crashes the party.
Wedding Number 3: Nick Golden and Blair Fitzgerald
Now if this was make-believe world, it would make more sense for me to show up and for the girl to be the bride, and for me to break up the wedding. But that would make her Blair, which would screw up the entire plot up to this point. So I think it would be good for me to remind everyone at this point that we live in the real world. We are dealing with facts, and obviously that isn't going to be the case. So in reality, she will probably be a relative at this wedding, and we will once again, to our surprise and secret delight, be at the same wedding.
In some kind of major conflict, I will confess my devotion, the wedding will somehow be ruined, and there is a slight chance I'll get punched in the face by douchey boyfriend.
After one day of soul-searching for the two of us, and thanks in part to some intervention by both of our wacky friends, one of the following things will happen on Valentine's Day:
1. I will stop her at the airport and tell her not to move to the big city.
2. She will come to my apartment and stop me from taking the big job oversees.
3. I will arrive at her place of work and cleverly slip her a wedding ring.
4. I will forgive her for getting a heart transplant from the heart of my dead ex-wife.
Anyway, we will then get married, and everything will work out great. Here are two things I will be sure to keep in mind as I enter this week:
- I hope to incorporate ice skating into this week. In these types of situations, the amount of affection a girl will have for you is directly proportional to how badly you skate. If ice skating is a no-go, then I will at least try to slip around on some black ice and fall down. That is also attractive.
- I'll be sure to keep my eye out for a good nervous habit or quirky attribute. Not all, but many of these kinds of girls have nervous habits or quirky attributes that can act as a good indicator of what is going on in her head. Maybe she chews on her lip when she is nervous, or she really hates one of my favorite books. Somehow, these will become invaluable clues.
Anyway, that's kind of how my life is going to go over the next few days, so don't be surprised if I'm too busy to do anything with you. I tried to think up a good title for this next week, but I couldn't quite pin one down. Feel free to suggest one.