As everyone has figured out by this point in the day, it is April Fools' Day. I like the idea of justifying really terrible things because of the holiday, such as:
- *Craig lights his neighbor's car on fire* - "Hey, I lit your car on fire! April Fools! This is a joke! Call the fire department!
- *Craig punches a guy in the face* - "Haha! April Fools' Day prank!"
- *Craig rips somebody's pants* - "April Fools! Now you don't have any pants!"
It's really too bad that I don't have the heart to go through with any of these genius schemes.
Anyway, I've said multiple times that I'm the opinion editor for the Daily Utah Chronicle. Since it was April Fools' Day, we were able to do a special edition. I wrote a few things for the page, and I'm going to post them here for you to read. I hope you enjoy. Here you are.
Thing Number 1: The Unsigned House Editorial
Opinions come and opinions go, but the Mailman always delivers.
After months of deliberation, the editorial board has decided to shift the focus of the opinion page away from editorial content and exclusively toward information about Karl Malone. As we phase out the opinion pieces in the section and replace it with our new Karl Malone section, dedicated opinion readers need not fear: The page isn’t going anywhere, it’s just focusing its lens on everyone’s favorite Hardee’s spokesman.
In the past, we found that opinions tend to be somewhat divisive. Sometimes, people wouldn’t even agree with some of our columnists. This is something we hadn’t anticipated, and we hope we didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Instead of dividing the campus over issues, we think it would be more beneficial to come together over the shortlived poster child of adult orthodontia. With the Karl Malone section, contention will be a thing of the past. We’ll be diving into investigative pieces such as, “How tall is Karl Malone?” and “How many baskets did Karl Malone score?” or “Karl Malone...HAMMER DUNK!”
In addition to our goal to better serve our audience, we also hope to better tap into the demographic of people who still pay a great deal of attention to Malone. These individuals have literally nowhere to turn. Opening the paper for them is nearly always a disappointing experience:
Enthusiast 1: Is there anything about Karl Malone in the paper today?
Enthusiast 2: No, it’s just about health care and stuff.
Enthusiast 1: Doesn’t anybody care!?
Our goal is to replace this discontent with the joy we know our readers will find when they open the page and discover all the stories are about Karl Malone—again.
We encourage all readers to embrace the new Karl Malone section. For those who are still a little apprehensive about the content shift, remember that Malone could totally rip your arms off. He’s that strong.
Thing Number 2: Guest Column from Ben Kenobi
I repeat, I don’t recall ever owning a droid. I don’t care what he says. Are you really going to believe the accusations of some random Luke Skywalker, the son of Darth Vader, over me? Do you even know who I am? I know I’m wearing this Ben Kenobi disguise, but it’s me, Obi-Wan! Give me some respect. I thought, “I don’t ever want the Empire to find me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, so I’m going to change my name to Ben...Ben Kenobi.”
Sure, I know there seems to be footage documenting someone who does look an awful lot like me hanging out with this droid—R2-D2 is it?—during the course of nearly 10 years, but I’m standing by my original statement. Yes, there is some very convincing video evidence in which I seem to call this robot by name several times while we fly around in space together, but I was actually saying “Machu Picchu.” Like, “Machu Picchu...let’s go to Dagobah,” or “Machu Picchu, fix the ship.”
If you remember my statement, I only said I never “owned” the droid. I never once said I’ve never had a conversation with him. Why, I’ve talked to loads of droids. Can you really expect me to remember every one I’ve ever chatted with? Well, yes, I suppose it is possible that I spent a disproportionate amount of time with this droid in particular. I was very busy for a few years there, so I guess something could have slipped under my radar.
Oh, sure, R2-D2! He’s the one who’s always like, “Beep, boop, beep,” right? Yes, of course, we’ve had many conversations. We’re great friends. I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t know R2—is that how this was interpreted? If so, I certainly misspoke and I apologize. I have only tried to be completely up-front and honest in my career. But in my defense, technically I never did “own” him, so I wasn’t lying. He was just sort of rented out to me for a decade or so. I’m not exactly sure how that worked. One second he was the property of the government of Naboo, and the next thing I knew he was strapped into my spaceship for the next several years.
Your feelings serve you well, but bothering me with questions like this could be used to serve the dark side. Yes, the dark side. We wouldn’t want that, would we? Darth Vader could totally choke you with the Force from all the way across the room. Sooo…how about we just forget this whole thing ever happened?
Thing Number 3: A few random letters to the editor
It’s really a shame that children don’t seem to remember what this whole season represents! This Easter, teach your kids the true meaning of the holiday—trap them in a stone tomb for three days.
Cookie Enthusiast, Intergalactic Sex Fiend
(Bridger is actually a friend of mine, and he actually wrote everything except the first sentence. Basically, he wrote everything in this letter that is funny. He is very funny. This was one of his tweets on twitter. You should follow him.)
Now that I have free government health care, I’m going to surgically replace my hands with robotic guns and my face with a big, black mask. For years I’ve suffered from my unfortunate inability to assail my enemies with electronic arm cannons. I was never meant to live this way. I was meant to wreak havoc and revenge on those who doublecross me. I’m glad this health care bill will give me the tools I need to finally destroy you! I told you not to doublecross me, but you didn’t listen! Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha!
Hey, I’m totally confused. Is anyone in the office right now who could show me where I can get on a bus? I’ll just be waiting around the Union Plaza, I guess...not a friend in the world...just waiting down here in the snow. I think I can see your office from here. I know someone is up there.
And that wraps up all my April Fools' excitement. Although, for some reason Star Wars has seemed especially funny to me lately. I honestly love the original three Star Wars movies, but there is still a lot of funny things in them, especially in the context of the new movies. Anyway, I found this video online the other day. If you don't want to watch it, that's fine. But if you just haven't had enough, feel free to watch it. It's pretty short, and features a chatty Obi Wan Kenobi.