I hope this bit of information is never released to the general public or society would immediately collapse. Suddenly, everyone would start doing all kinds of things they have no business doing:
Circus Clown: Sure I’m a dentist…now give me that drill and let’s get cracking…this doesn’t look so difficult.
Patient: Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! I am in excruciating pain! Aaaaah!
Circus Clown: I’ll figure this out sooner or later. I just have to keep trying my best.
Meanwhile, just imagine what a mess the dentist made of the circus. It would be the saddest circus around:
Dentist: Ladies and gentlemen, step right up! As you see, I’m riding on the back of a Siberian Tiger…aaahhh! Aaa…
This is kind of how I felt during the past two years as the opinion editor for The Daily Utah Chronicle. Although the exact details of my being hired are starting to get fuzzy, I’m pretty sure I accidentally sat in the wrong chair one day and people started demanding I get to work. I then spent two months frantically nodding my head followed by two years expecting the real opinion editor to show up. “Wait a minute…if you’re the opinion editor, then who is this guy?!”
I faked it. I hope I made it. In any case, I think I somehow averted a disaster of circus-ruining proportions. To my eternal disbelief, I might have even produced a pretty good circus.
With my English degree in hand, I have now perfectly positioned myself to become one hell of a waiter. Everything is going according to plan. And although I have been living in near poverty for years now, my graduation all but guarantees my parents will take me to dinner. Four years of hard work. It has all been worth it.
This will be my third graduation, preceded by my high school diploma and an associate’s degree at Dixie State College. I graduate as often as possible to maximize the number of times my parents will take me out to eat. I just hope this won’t be the last time. I’m bound to get hungry again. Still, there seems to be something a bit more final about this one. In one fell swoop I will soon be leaving my school, my job, possibly my apartment and maybe the state. The uncertainty of drastic change makes slogging through Spanish classes, reading Chaucer or writing an infinite number of essays on Heart of Darkness look so much more attractive than they were at the time. I fear no local restaurant can adequately express or reward the experiences I have had as a U student and in my employment at The Chronicle. My parents might have to take me to a restaurant out of town.
Wherever I end up, I’m sure my time at the U will help me get there. I say that because now the U has a vested interest in ensuring I don’t end up dead in a gutter somewhere. That would be a poor reflection on the U, after all. The headline, “U alumnus found dead in a gutter” might deter prospective students.
I have had several professors, advisers and classmates who have been valuable. I can’t thank them enough. I have enjoyed my time, and hopefully some more pieces fall together in my life post-dinner. Until then, I should probably vacate this office. The real opinion editor could turn up any minute now, and I don’t want to be here when that finally happens.
Editor's Note: I wrote this farewell column for my last issue of the Daily Utah Chronicle. There you have it.
I recently stumbled across a music video that I can't stop watching. Do you remember when I mentioned that there are some people I just can't stop looking at? Well that is exactly what this gal is like. She is so unique looking, I can't stop looking at her. Plus, there is something about this music video that I can't get enough of. In addition, I think the song is a good time. It's bound to put a bounce in your step. For a really fun experience, replace her face with mine in your mind. I have done that myself several times. If you can't remember what I look like, here is a picture: