Thursday, May 20, 2010

I've Been Writing About Bar Stools Lately


If you hadn't heard, I got a job recently. Nowadays I work at Overstock.com as an SEO Copywriter.

Now, I know some people get to design exciting things at work, or build skyscrapers, or be rockstars, but few people get to write loads of paragraphs about stools of every shape and size one after another. First I got to write about backless stools, then black leather stools, then brown leather stools, then swivel leather stools...then I had to wave a tearful farewell to stools and move on to luggage. But one thing is certain: you'd be surprised about how many original things you can think to say about different kinds of stools when you really put your mind to it. You doubt this because you've never really put your mind to writing a lot about stools, have you?

Anyway, I won't go into any major details about my job, but it's working out fine. There are a few things I thought about at work today that I'd like to talk about. Some have a little to do with work, and some have nothing to do with work. However, I thought of them at work, so I'm sure they reflect the condition my mind is in when I'm thinking about stools.

First of all, the bathroom stalls at Overstock.com are exactly what I've hoped bathroom stalls could eventually be to me. You might have used a bathroom stall in your life, and if you have, you've noticed how they leave an open space about a foot to a foot and a half off the ground. I have no idea why this is necessary, but it fills me with anxiety because the people sulking around the bathroom can see my feet. Suppose someone was trying to murder me, and they were familiar with my footwear? What would I do then?

At Overstock.com, this is no longer a problem. Whoever designed the bathrooms made the bathroom stalls go all the way to the ground. I have no idea why this was never done before. Why did the first inventor of the bathroom stall think it critical to expose people's ankles? What could he or she have possibly been thinking? - "Oh no, we couldn't possibly build the stalls all the way to the ground. For one, we wouldn't be able to see anybody's precious ankles once they entered the stall. And second, how could I crawl under the stalls to attack my helpless victims without open space?" Anyway, I'm glad someone has addressed this problem. One point for Overstock.com.

Today my co-worker and friend Bridger somehow acquired a ring pop. I've decided a ring pop is a candy that requires a determined patron. It's like one of those giant jawbreakers. When you buy one, you know you are going to be licking that mass of solidified throw-up for at least three weeks. That's a candy that teaches kids responsibility. "Don't you dare put down that horrible glob of syrup until it's finished. I know I can trust you to do the responsible thing." Any child who has actually finished a ring pop or a giant jawbreaker has only great things to expect from their future. I would like to put them in a battle of wits against the kids who waited to eat their marshmallows so they could get another marshmallow.

Trident gum gives me headaches. I bought it because it claims to be good for my teeth. I wish it had continued it's advertisement, "Good for your teeth...also, makes the rest of your head and face feel like it's being squeezed in a vice." I have no idea why Trident gum has this effect on me, because I don't get headaches from other gum. I think it's a little tougher, and so I chew with added tenacity.

Today I finally dropped my '93 Ford Taurus off at Pick 'n' Pull for $240. It's been collecting dust under my carport for a few months since it broke down right before Christmas. If you live around or near the Pick 'n' Pull, I suggest vacating the area for the rest of your life. That car is like the button from Drag Me To Hell. The moment one of those Pick 'n' Pull folks wrap their arms lovingly around that cursed car they will be pulled under the earth's crust by a giant, angry demon. A special thanks to Scott for helping me tow the dangerous item to the drop point.



And those are some of the things I thought about at work today. Invest in stools, before they explode in value.


5 comments:

The Boob Nazi said...

Wow, I totally thought you were talking about poo... Like stools, you know? I've been working in a hospital too long.

Mickael said...

So Craig are you responsible for all of these?

http://www.overstock.com/search?keywords=stool&sortOption=New+Arrivals

None of the write ups are as entertaining as your blog. But maybe you can slip in a few funny ones.

jaime said...

Congrats on the Job buddy! Now we can do things that cost money!! :-)

Also, I totally agree with you about the bathroom stalls. The Flying J in Nephi has stall doors that go all the way to the floor. I was so ecstatic when I discovered this hidden treasure on I-15! If I'm ever traveling I try to stop and pee there cause it's just comforting to be enclosed and not worry about ladies looking at my ankles and envying my shoes.

Bridger W. said...

Agreed on the bathroom stalls. It's just a shame that the bathrooms run out of paper towels about nine times a week. I'm constantly shake-drying my hands.

Craig Barlow B. said...

Mike, I am not responsible for those write ups I'm afraid, but I could show you something I've written one of these days. I have managed to fit in a few pretty exciting phrases.