Tuesday, June 29, 2010

A Word on Music, Please

The other day someone got into my car in the middle of the night and stole 14 burned CDs. Nothing else was stolen, just 14 burned CDs. That's my kind of criminal. In fact, if they had asked me, I honestly would have given them all 14 CDs. I'm just overjoyed they didn't break my window to steal my pirated music. However, I've solved the problem of future thefts with this:

After I devised this trap, I left it on my passenger seat, where the stolen CDs once were. It is only a matter of time until I find the bandit immobilized by my trap.

Anyway, I've been somewhat focused on music lately. Since I've been working at my new job, I spend a huge portion of the day with headphones over my ears. As such, my appetite to find new music has increased. I always enjoy new music, but lately I have needed a pretty steady source of incoming music I haven't already heard a million times. I thought I'd share a few of the songs I've found lately. I think these recent discovers (although most of them aren't really all that new) have something for everyone, unless you love A Perfect Circle. If you are really into A Perfect Circle, you are beyond my help, and indeed, all help. Here are some songs I like:

If you like songs that are old, but really great:

Del Shannon - Misery

If you just want to have a great time when you listen to songs:

Heartless Bastards - New Resolution

Roll the Tanks - Gameshow Love

Born Ruffians - Hummingbird

If you like songs with girl singers:

Submarines - You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie

If you like your songs sung softly, but with a nice beat:

The Tellers - More

If you like songs about chocolate and girls:

The Undertones - More Songs About Chocolate and Girls

The Undertones - Get Over You

If you like songs Craig listens to on repeat dozens of times:

Super Furry Animals - Run Away

If you like songs you can tap your foot to:

Magnetic Fields - Long-Forgotton Fairytale

The Rapture - Don Go Do It

Grandaddy - Elevate Myself

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Rejected SEO Copy

As I've mentioned before, I am now an SEO Copywriter. I write copy that is intended to guide traffic to the website for many different products. Anyway, this means I spend huge amounts of time sitting around typing things, and sometimes I get tired. When I get tired, I usually just start typing things I know can't possibly be used. Here are the most recent rejected lines of SEO copy I have produced, detached from the buying guides they were intended to match. I think you'll get the best experience out of this blog if you imagine me sitting at my desk, in the middle of a project. Also, there is a Ludacris reference buried in here. Find it, and you'll finally be happy --

- Hinges on wardrobe armoires are built to endure constant use, but you can extend their life through proper maintenance. Here are a few tips on making sure the hinges on your 2 drawer armoire last until the earth is baptized in flame, and the righteous are carried up into heaven.

- Here are some bits of information that might make you look at bath vanities differently...perhaps romantically.

- The best part about a portable air conditioner is that it will keep you cold. Aside from that, it's pretty worthless. Try using it for just about anything else and you'll almost certainly be disappointed.

- Using portable air conditioners correctly will ensure they are always there to bathe your nude body with cool air.

- Ice making machines are pretty easy to operate and maintain because most of their functions are completely automated. If you have any trouble operating your portable ice maker, it's because you are inadequate.

- Modern day vacuums are in-the-know frankenstinian-politico-hipster devices popular among young, urban professionals.

- For thousands of years, vases have been used for their practical use and for their natural beauty as display items. Want some candle holders? Then you're barking up the wrong tree, pal. This thing is about vases.

- If you are low on funds, save cash by telling friends and family you are decorating with invisible vases. Visitors will appreciate your futuristic sense of style, and you'll love hoodwinking them time and time again.

- If you don't know what to do, try filling your vases with ice cream. See how that works out for you.

- Turn any residence into a home with dazzling wall art to dazzle all your dazzled friends. Dazzle them with bedazzlements! Bedazzle their jean jackets! Dizzying bedazzlements will dazzle your friends.

- Here are some ideas on how to use wall art and window drapes to make your house a spicy sex palace.

- There are many creative places to wash dishes. How about in the library, on top of the books? But you can't be too loud!

- Some people want to get bookshelves for their kids. But that's crazy. Kids can't actually READ. They can't read as good as I can, at least. I can read way better than a bunch of dumb kids. They can't run as fast as I can. They can't even drive a car. What use are they?

- If you like bar stools, you should get some bar stools. Bar stools are bar stools that you sit in like bar stools at a bar with other bar stools. You'll love bar stools if you like bar stools. You'll get bar stools in your home to complement other bar stools you have.

- Want a recliner? Of course you do! Hell yeah! HELL YEEEEAAAAAAH!!!!!

- Bamboo grows over 10 times faster than most hard woods, making bamboo furniture a great way to furnish your home without single-handedly killing millions of animals. But hey, do whatever you want. We'll just leave all the dead animal corpses on your lawn, you cold-blooded animal murderer.

- Fishing can be a great way to teach children about the temporariness of life and of their own fleeting mortality. Like these fish, one day they too will die, possibly by asphyxiation.

- When I'm in the nude and visitors come to call, I wrap my body in a memory foam mattress that meshes into every curve of my naked skin.

Anyway, there you have it. As a parting shot, here is a video my friend Bridger reminded me about yesterday featuring the future worst man alive:

Editor's Note: I was also able to write some pretty incredible Area Rug Poetry for my job recently. You won't want to miss this.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Let's Get Reacquainted

It's been a while since I've filled out one of these questionnaires, and I think some of you might have forgotten what I'm all about. If you read this, you are going to know exactly what I'm all about. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn more about me.

1. What color is your underwear right now? Today I'm wearing just a plain old pair of black lace French-cut panties.

2. What are you listening to right now? At this very moment I'm listening to Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison. I was looking for music that sounds like Eddie Cochran and Van Morrison was suggested to me by the Internet. Van Morrison is nothing like Eddie Cochran, but I don't like arguing with the Internet. Now I'm listening to Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. The Internet is really taking advantage of my conflict avoidance.

3. What are the last 2 digits in your phone number? 44...good luck figuring out the rest, you bunch of suckers.

4. What was the last thing you ate? For lunch I had a two day old Peanut Butter and Honey Sandwich and two packages of fruit snacks. A healthy meal for a healthy boy.

5. If you were a crayon what color would you be? I'd probably be a brown crayon. You should now have no trouble decoding the intricacies of my personality.

6. How is the weather right now? It looks like it is windy outside, but sunny. That's unfortunate, because I was hoping this building would be sucked into a black hole before I arrived.

7. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? I talked to a nice gal who was recently injured hiking. It sounds like she will be okay in the long run.

8. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their testimonies.

9. Favorite type of Food? I'm a major fan of carnita tacos.

10. Do you drink? I don't drink even a little.

11. Do you smoke? I don't smoke at all.

12. Ever get so drunk you dont remember? This question would have been avoided if this had been a "Choose Your Own Adventure" novel, thanks to my answer on #10. I would have directed away from this drinking adventure, and would have already died in a pit or been eaten by a wild animal by now.

13. What color are your eyes? A deep, beautiful blue you can get lost in all day long.

15. Do you wear contacts? I don't wear contacts for a few reasons. One is because I still have some stitches/sutures in my right eye. But another is that I had a traumatic contact experience when I was 16. I would rather someone just punch me in the eye sockets every morning.

16. Single? At the moment...but who knows how long that could possibly last?

17. Favorite Month? July is when my birthday is, and it is coming right up. We all have a lot to look forward to in July. I hope you will all enjoy celebrating my birth as much as I will.

18. Ever cried for no reason? No. Whenever I cry it is for a totally acceptable reason, like watching The Biggest Loser or seeing Kerri Strug do the pommel horse.

19. Last Movie you watched? I went and saw The A-Team. It was way more tolerable than I thought it would be. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit.


21. Are you too shy to ask someone out? No. I'm too shy to do nearly everything else, but I I will ask people on dates until we are both blue in the face.

22. Hugs or Kisses? I will kiss you on the face and hug you at the same time. That is how good I am at the art of Love.

23. Chocolate or Vanilla? I prefer Vanilla ice cream with toppings. But for everything else, I can't imagine choosing vanilla. Surrender Vanilla! We don't need your tasteless wafers any more.

24. Would you rather play basketball or hockey? I'd rather play basketball so I can slam dunk the basketball. I like to score the basket in the hoop.

25. Has anyone ever broken your heart? Anna Stern broke my heart into a million tiny pieces when she moved back to Pittsburgh in 2003. Now, I fear, Lana Lang is about to rip it to shreds once again in 2010. I can't stop it. There is an endless supply of fictional women just waiting to stab me in the heart.

26. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? Of course they will. It's only a matter of time until I become a famous cartoonist. My English degree has pretty much guaranteed that much.

27. What books are you reading? Graduating in English has made me feel like I need to take a break from reading for a bit. I'm going to fill this void in my life with push-ups. Thousands of them.

28. Piercings? I don't have any piercings at all.

29. Fav. Movie? I have such a hard time choosing a favorite movie. But at the moment, I really love Best Worst Movie, the Troll II documentary. Other than that, I really enjoyed The Brothers Bloom and Amelie sort of recently.

30. Fav. baseball team? Karl Malone Team

31. Any pets? I don't have any pets. I'm going to buy a Giga Pet to play with at work. I just want to NURTURE something! You know?

32. AIM? I shoot from the hip. Next time you see me I'll be sauntering around shooting things with the butt of the gun lodged into my hip.

33. Butter, Plain or salted popcorn? I just want my popcorn covered in sodium.

34. Dogs or cats? A dog would win in a fight. But it takes two dogs and a house cat working together to hatch a crafty plan to send a mountain lion plummeting off a mountain to its death. I've seen it all before.

35. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? A net.

36. Have you ever fired a gun? From my hip. Also, I once goofed up the hearing in my right ear with a gun. Chances are I can't hear what you are whispering to me at church in my right ear. Many of you have fallen victim to my deft nodding techniques.

37. Date someone older or younger? I don't care, as long as they want to French kiss me on the mouth. But really, I truly don't care.

38. Right handed or left handed? I am right handed. I will spend the next week and a half trying to punch everyone who reads this blog in the forehead. I hope you noted this information.

39. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. One for my head. The other one is a free agent.

40. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand? Captain Hand. Everyone knows they name pirate captains after whatever is hanging off of their arms.

Editor's Note: If you'd like to see more dazzling pictures like the ones taken above, look here. They were taken by my friend Matt Mcfarland. He is a professional photographer. If you need a photographer, you should call him.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Vision is Overrated

I've fallen a little behind in my blogging schedule lately. I write so much at work nowadays, and it finally caught up to me in the last two weeks. On the bright side, in the past I've always lacked the discipline and courage to write about my true passions: luggage, furniture, and kitchen appliances. Now that I work at Overstock.com, I can finally fulfill my dream of writing an endless number of buying guides on each of these three cherished topics.

However, I did write something about area carpets recently, under the chic pen name of Meredith Boone, that was kind of fun. If you want to look at it, here it is. I'm going to try to put an end to my blogging neglect. I apologize to all three of you. Meanwhile, I did write a guest blog on Roxy's blog a week or two ago. You can read it if you want, in addition to all the other swell stuff you can look at there.

Recently I had my glasses taken from me. My doctor gave me a bad prescription, and I have been forced to surrender the frames until Tuesday so someone can fit in the correct lens. This has granted me two new/old experiences:

1. I only got my glasses a year ago--and I had equally crappy vision before then--so I have a lot of experience driving without being able to see very well. What I learned is that anyone who has a little common sense and can see a white line painted on asphalt should be able to drive. My strategy of driving blind at night is, "I need to stay between those white lines, and not get too close to that big object in front of me." I think this concept of driving should be enforced more at the DMV. Instead of an eye test, they should force everyone to run headlong down an asphalt track and stay in between two painted white lines. If you cross the lines, or if you run into the wall at the end of the asphalt, you fail the test.

2. Apparently my glasses have become an important part of my persona. People find it very difficult to adjust to, or even imagine, the way I look without glasses. This is a little odd because most of the people I know met me when I didn't wear glasses. Upon interogation, some of these people can't even remember this time period. I'm going to take advantage of this by only wearing clown makeup from now on. In one year, all of my peers won't even remember how I looked before I wore clown makeup. Some won't even remember that I didn't always look like a clown. And the fact that the heavy makeup will eventually render my skin leather is just icing on the cake. Anyway, for the sake of comparison, I've attached a picture on the left of how I look like with glasses, and a picture on the right of how I look like without glasses.