Sunday, June 20, 2010

Rejected SEO Copy

As I've mentioned before, I am now an SEO Copywriter. I write copy that is intended to guide traffic to the website for many different products. Anyway, this means I spend huge amounts of time sitting around typing things, and sometimes I get tired. When I get tired, I usually just start typing things I know can't possibly be used. Here are the most recent rejected lines of SEO copy I have produced, detached from the buying guides they were intended to match. I think you'll get the best experience out of this blog if you imagine me sitting at my desk, in the middle of a project. Also, there is a Ludacris reference buried in here. Find it, and you'll finally be happy --

- Hinges on wardrobe armoires are built to endure constant use, but you can extend their life through proper maintenance. Here are a few tips on making sure the hinges on your 2 drawer armoire last until the earth is baptized in flame, and the righteous are carried up into heaven.

- Here are some bits of information that might make you look at bath vanities differently...perhaps romantically.

- The best part about a portable air conditioner is that it will keep you cold. Aside from that, it's pretty worthless. Try using it for just about anything else and you'll almost certainly be disappointed.

- Using portable air conditioners correctly will ensure they are always there to bathe your nude body with cool air.

- Ice making machines are pretty easy to operate and maintain because most of their functions are completely automated. If you have any trouble operating your portable ice maker, it's because you are inadequate.

- Modern day vacuums are in-the-know frankenstinian-politico-hipster devices popular among young, urban professionals.

- For thousands of years, vases have been used for their practical use and for their natural beauty as display items. Want some candle holders? Then you're barking up the wrong tree, pal. This thing is about vases.

- If you are low on funds, save cash by telling friends and family you are decorating with invisible vases. Visitors will appreciate your futuristic sense of style, and you'll love hoodwinking them time and time again.

- If you don't know what to do, try filling your vases with ice cream. See how that works out for you.

- Turn any residence into a home with dazzling wall art to dazzle all your dazzled friends. Dazzle them with bedazzlements! Bedazzle their jean jackets! Dizzying bedazzlements will dazzle your friends.

- Here are some ideas on how to use wall art and window drapes to make your house a spicy sex palace.

- There are many creative places to wash dishes. How about in the library, on top of the books? But you can't be too loud!

- Some people want to get bookshelves for their kids. But that's crazy. Kids can't actually READ. They can't read as good as I can, at least. I can read way better than a bunch of dumb kids. They can't run as fast as I can. They can't even drive a car. What use are they?

- If you like bar stools, you should get some bar stools. Bar stools are bar stools that you sit in like bar stools at a bar with other bar stools. You'll love bar stools if you like bar stools. You'll get bar stools in your home to complement other bar stools you have.

- Want a recliner? Of course you do! Hell yeah! HELL YEEEEAAAAAAH!!!!!

- Bamboo grows over 10 times faster than most hard woods, making bamboo furniture a great way to furnish your home without single-handedly killing millions of animals. But hey, do whatever you want. We'll just leave all the dead animal corpses on your lawn, you cold-blooded animal murderer.

- Fishing can be a great way to teach children about the temporariness of life and of their own fleeting mortality. Like these fish, one day they too will die, possibly by asphyxiation.

- When I'm in the nude and visitors come to call, I wrap my body in a memory foam mattress that meshes into every curve of my naked skin.

Anyway, there you have it. As a parting shot, here is a video my friend Bridger reminded me about yesterday featuring the future worst man alive:

Editor's Note: I was also able to write some pretty incredible Area Rug Poetry for my job recently. You won't want to miss this.


Search Engine Optimization Canada said...

Nice Blog...

Melissa said...


I think an online store backed by these sorts of descriptions might be a real hit.

And your area rug poetry is superb.

These are just two more things in a long list of items you've done recently that impress me.

jaime said...

I think all of your descriptions should just say:
"Buy this product and you won't be a loser anymore."
I think that would work the best, cause really, who want's to be a loser!?

Ps- I really want to slap that boy, give him a wedgie, then push him off the stage.

Craig Barlow B. said...

Jaime, there is probably nothing on this earth I'd like to see more than you mercilessly bullying that boy.

Craig Barlow B. said...

And Melissa, thanks. Consider my self-esteem improved. I really poured my heart into that area rug poetry.

Whit Roberts said...

"you wanna make a brother beg for it, give me TLC cause you know i be too proud. we can do it in the white house try ta make 'em turn the lights out..."

Bridger W. said...

I honestly believe most of those would drive traffic more than what we actually use.