Friday, July 23, 2010

Craig goes to Denver and Other Tales

Turns out I'm not a total failure. Surprise! Turns out I'm a HUGE SUCCESS!

Although it's going to be hard to turn away from the hopeless cocaine addiction I was planning to get involved with this Fall, I'm going to law school instead. Just four days after writing the last blog post about my hopes to get accepted to a law school, I was pulled off the waiting list and accepted to the University of Denver, Sturm College of Law. It just goes to show that the universe is, in fact, on my side. Plus, I was accepted to DU on my birthday, which just goes to show that the universe is, in fact, mindful of my birthday. Also, my horoscope today said I should plan a dinner with an intimate lover tonight, because I'll like the results. That just goes to show that the universe has, in fact, confused me with someone else.

Anyway, I now have a huge amount of things to get together in a very short period of time. I need to be living in Denver by August 9 at the very latest. That's kind of hard to believe. Just about anyone else who is going to this school had all summer to prepare. I have 3 weeks. I need to move to Denver for 3 years to attend law school in about the same time frame it took me and 11 others to plan a weekend trip to Moab. If you were planning to confess your undying love for me, you are running out of time.

Other than law school, I've thought of a few other things recently. I have clearly marked them with large, bolded letters:

You might already know this, but I have had cornea transplants in each of my eyes. Recently I had a big suture pulled out of my right eye, and I'm taking a good number of eye drops at the moment. The other day I realized the names of my eye drops sound like the names of stock science fiction villains: Besivance and Vigamox. I think they could possibly be an evil married couple –

Vigamox: Besivance, I love you, you tricksy, evil vixen!
Besivance: And I love you Vigamox, you evil guy!

I also imagine they fly around in a spaceship named after my lubricant drops, "The Systane Ultra," in an evil scheme to gather a valuable natural resource named after my anti-rejection drops, Omnipred.

Vigamox: Hahahahaha! Soon, we'll have all the Omnipred in the galaxy! Just imagine that!
Besivance: I am imagining it! What an evil scheme!

Here is a picture of them making away with a stash of Omnipred they stole from a space gorilla:

Last night it came to my attention that cows are incapable of walking backwards down a flight of stairs. I wonder who discovered this fact of nature: "All right, now that we have successfully coaxed the cow up the stairs, let's just back him back down the stairs. Wait a minute, it appears we have a problem." That guy probably warned all his friends, "Whatever you do, don't take your cows upstairs!"

Discovering this inconvenience was probably like the guy who discovered those lizards that can run on water, "Hahahaha! Now that I've dug a watery moat around these adorable lizards, they will be mine forever!"

Anyway, I think I'll wrap this post up. If you know of anyone in Denver that I could live with, or has a cheap room available, you let me know. Meanwhile, here is a song I think is kind of fun.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I am a Hot Mess

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Let me introduce you to the most topical anxiety of Craig Blake's summer: my horribly questionable future. That's right, I've got a horribly questionable future. Here is the current state of my emotional well-being:

It's a metaphor, you see. At the moment I am on three law school waiting lists. And although I've attempted to keep my hopes fairly low, I'm still crossing my fingers that I will be accepted to at least one of the remaining three schools any day now. This has become a problem because I have no idea what to expect out of the next three years, and especially the next year, of my life. I could get a phone call at any moment and move to another state in just a few weeks, or I could not get a phone call and dramatically increase my cocaine intake to drown the pain of personal failure. Either way, I win! (Disclaimer: I don't do cocaine. If I don't get into law school, I will not do any cocaine. But I might spend one weekend alone eating ice cream in the middle of the night and watching While You Were Sleeping.)

This has made it pretty tough for me to make any decisions in my life that range from a "moderate" to "mega-hard" difficulty level. At the outset of nearly any decision, I think, "Well, what if I move?" In fact, I think it has even impeded my ability to make decisions that don't have an awful lot to do with anything. Those used to be my favorite decisions. I am in limbo, and I have been for months. It is a terrible place to be. Take, for example, Rasputin from Anastasia. He hated living in Limbo. He even sang a whole song about it.

Anyway, I had a whole plan to write about my recent victory as the 14th of July 2010 champion (51 runs down the slip 'n' slide) or confess my true feelings about Lana Lang from Smallville (not as rosy-colored as you might think. I've been eyeing Ms. Lang with a very critical eye. Very interesting!) I had a whole list of things to write about. I wrote this instead. This way, if I'm still living in Salt Lake in two months, you will have enough information to taunt me about my recent failures.

In other news, my birthday is on Monday, July 19. I'll be turning 24. I'm not completely sure what I'm going to do, but I haven't ruled taping a pack of sparklers to my old scooter, lighting it on fire and pushing it off a building. Actually, yes I have. I'm back to having no real plans. Anyway, feel completely welcome to shower me with unusual amounts of attention.

In the meantime, please enjoy the most underrated song by the Beach Boys!

Extra Credit: Here is something I wrote for my work. It's a blog. It's a fun time. Look at it if you want.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Rejected SEO Copy: Episode 2

I've been hard at work writing even more bits of SEO copy that I couldn't possibly use. I'm often assigned specific topics for a period of time, which is why there are repeating themes. Here are some of the things I've typed in moments where I feel I'm about to spiral into permanant insanity:

- Do you need to find a unique gift? Are you looking for a way to let everyone know that you are a sports fan? Have you started a collection of sports memorabilia that you want to build? Do you want to get a baseball card? Do you have a football at your house? Have you gone to the Super Bowl? Do you like to make baskets? Will you train hard to be the best? Do you kick the ball? Is that your favorite sport? Do you play games? Want a basketball ticket? Want to watch the big game? Do you make the play? With a wide variety of sports collectibles reflecting all sorts of interests...

- Place sports collectibles on your wife's nightstand, or slip some sports memorabilia into her purse to remind her that you love her.

- Here's a tip: many athletes are more likely to go out of their way to autograph collectibles for women who don't mind being sexually harassed.

- You might have friends who also enjoy this hobby, or you can meet people at hobby stores, on the Internet or narrow alleys downtown who want to trade sports cards.

- Warning: Kids, if you meet someone who wants to trade cards on the Internet, your dumb parents will probably try to ruin the whole deal. Don't tell them anything! Meet the stranger in a location you are positive your parents will never suspect. Parents are ALWAYS getting in the way of good card trades.

- If you have acquired some valuable sports cards, store them in a sopping wet shoebox for safe keeping.

- No matter what kind of sports collectibles you have, make sure they are displayed out of direct sunlight. Always keep your windows closed, and invite kids from the neighborhood to come see your sports collectibles in your dark lair, away from prying eyes.

- Light your bed, ON FIRE!

- Thanks to their excellent zoom, binoculars open up a world otherwise beyond the human eye. You can look at a waterfall.

- While playing a competitive or recreational tennis match, you'll want to be wearing a pair of French-cut black lace exceptions. Even you grandpa.

- It's called a master bedroom for a reason, so take control of your wife and children's lives with malicious mind games hatched on your king bed.

- Whether you are looking for a more traditional convertible sofa or some modern futon beds, we have you covered. Just don't ask how we've done it. You get what you want, we get what we want. Don't go nosing around where you don't belong.

- No woman should be without at least one leather bag or purse. Now give me your purse, you crazy old bat!

- Elliptical machines weren't made to be abused by a bunch of stupid kids. Abort your fetus before it grows into a horrible, stupid kid who will totally screw up your elliptical trainer.

- When you are trying to figure out how to use your storage bench, consider using it as a cash cache. Fill your storage bench with loose bills. In fact, fill your storage bench with priceless valuables, like DIAMONDS! GLITTERING PRIZES!

- Porridge Bench: Your kids' favorite bench will become your brand new porridge storage bench. Just slop a bunch of porridge into the bench for your children to lick up whenever they want. Kids love porridge!

- The large size of king beds allows sleepers to thrash about in the night, arms flailing dangerously in their tormented sleep without doing any long-term damage to the bed frame.

Editor's Note: As a part of my job I'm able to co-write a blog with my friend Bridger under the pen name of Meredith Boone. We are given a good amount of freedom as long as we use certain keywords in the copy. Some of them are pretty fun to read. Give them a look here. You can tell which ones I wrote and which ones Bridger wrote because his are generally quite a bit more funny than mine. We've even written some together! Imagine that!

Extra Credit: Here are two songs I think are worth your while. Listen to them if you want.