Friday, July 23, 2010

Craig goes to Denver and Other Tales

Turns out I'm not a total failure. Surprise! Turns out I'm a HUGE SUCCESS!

Although it's going to be hard to turn away from the hopeless cocaine addiction I was planning to get involved with this Fall, I'm going to law school instead. Just four days after writing the last blog post about my hopes to get accepted to a law school, I was pulled off the waiting list and accepted to the University of Denver, Sturm College of Law. It just goes to show that the universe is, in fact, on my side. Plus, I was accepted to DU on my birthday, which just goes to show that the universe is, in fact, mindful of my birthday. Also, my horoscope today said I should plan a dinner with an intimate lover tonight, because I'll like the results. That just goes to show that the universe has, in fact, confused me with someone else.

Anyway, I now have a huge amount of things to get together in a very short period of time. I need to be living in Denver by August 9 at the very latest. That's kind of hard to believe. Just about anyone else who is going to this school had all summer to prepare. I have 3 weeks. I need to move to Denver for 3 years to attend law school in about the same time frame it took me and 11 others to plan a weekend trip to Moab. If you were planning to confess your undying love for me, you are running out of time.

Other than law school, I've thought of a few other things recently. I have clearly marked them with large, bolded letters:

You might already know this, but I have had cornea transplants in each of my eyes. Recently I had a big suture pulled out of my right eye, and I'm taking a good number of eye drops at the moment. The other day I realized the names of my eye drops sound like the names of stock science fiction villains: Besivance and Vigamox. I think they could possibly be an evil married couple –

Vigamox: Besivance, I love you, you tricksy, evil vixen!
Besivance: And I love you Vigamox, you evil guy!

I also imagine they fly around in a spaceship named after my lubricant drops, "The Systane Ultra," in an evil scheme to gather a valuable natural resource named after my anti-rejection drops, Omnipred.

Vigamox: Hahahahaha! Soon, we'll have all the Omnipred in the galaxy! Just imagine that!
Besivance: I am imagining it! What an evil scheme!

Here is a picture of them making away with a stash of Omnipred they stole from a space gorilla:

Last night it came to my attention that cows are incapable of walking backwards down a flight of stairs. I wonder who discovered this fact of nature: "All right, now that we have successfully coaxed the cow up the stairs, let's just back him back down the stairs. Wait a minute, it appears we have a problem." That guy probably warned all his friends, "Whatever you do, don't take your cows upstairs!"

Discovering this inconvenience was probably like the guy who discovered those lizards that can run on water, "Hahahaha! Now that I've dug a watery moat around these adorable lizards, they will be mine forever!"

Anyway, I think I'll wrap this post up. If you know of anyone in Denver that I could live with, or has a cheap room available, you let me know. Meanwhile, here is a song I think is kind of fun.


jaime said...

I really liked that video! It was cracking me up how the girl couldn't quit smiling throughout the whole thing.

Ps- You and your universe are ruining my life! I'll miss ya pal!

Zane and Cami said...

Congrat-ya-freakin'-lations Boy! I'm so excited for you. What a journey-you will LOVE Colorado.

Anonymous said...

i guess now is the time to admit my internet crush. feel totally crushable and lovely- and then ride that wave of confidence to Denver and just take over CO with your lawyer-ing.

Christina Dalton aka Christina Barnes said...

Congrats on law school. Keep blogging! I've only read two but it's cracking me up.

20 Something said...

Congrats on law school! Denver is so beautiful, you will love it there! I was going to tell you how madly in love I was with your writing. But we've never actually talked. Good luck out there!

Jonathan and Kiri said...

YAY!!!!!!!!! Congratulations on getting into law school! That is such a great accomplishment! I'm excited to see what you have in store for the world. :)

Sheryl said...

I cannot imagine you needing to pack much. Won't you just spend all your time in the law library anyway. Maybe you can just rent a room there. Good luck.

Bridger W. said...

Congratulations, Craig! It'll be interesting to see what the University of Denver does when they learn you forged your University of Utah diploma!

Sara Soda said...

Hey, my aunt is an attorney in Denver. I think she went to a school with the word "Colorado" in the name. Perhaps that will be your alma mater as well? Anyway, if you need a lawyery-ish contact in Denver, I'm happy to put you two in touch. I think she practices environmental law at some firm or another. If you do decide to contact her, I promise she will have all this information over which I have so smoothly glossed.