Thursday, July 8, 2010

Rejected SEO Copy: Episode 2

I've been hard at work writing even more bits of SEO copy that I couldn't possibly use. I'm often assigned specific topics for a period of time, which is why there are repeating themes. Here are some of the things I've typed in moments where I feel I'm about to spiral into permanant insanity:

- Do you need to find a unique gift? Are you looking for a way to let everyone know that you are a sports fan? Have you started a collection of sports memorabilia that you want to build? Do you want to get a baseball card? Do you have a football at your house? Have you gone to the Super Bowl? Do you like to make baskets? Will you train hard to be the best? Do you kick the ball? Is that your favorite sport? Do you play games? Want a basketball ticket? Want to watch the big game? Do you make the play? With a wide variety of sports collectibles reflecting all sorts of interests...

- Place sports collectibles on your wife's nightstand, or slip some sports memorabilia into her purse to remind her that you love her.

- Here's a tip: many athletes are more likely to go out of their way to autograph collectibles for women who don't mind being sexually harassed.

- You might have friends who also enjoy this hobby, or you can meet people at hobby stores, on the Internet or narrow alleys downtown who want to trade sports cards.

- Warning: Kids, if you meet someone who wants to trade cards on the Internet, your dumb parents will probably try to ruin the whole deal. Don't tell them anything! Meet the stranger in a location you are positive your parents will never suspect. Parents are ALWAYS getting in the way of good card trades.

- If you have acquired some valuable sports cards, store them in a sopping wet shoebox for safe keeping.

- No matter what kind of sports collectibles you have, make sure they are displayed out of direct sunlight. Always keep your windows closed, and invite kids from the neighborhood to come see your sports collectibles in your dark lair, away from prying eyes.

- Light your bed, ON FIRE!

- Thanks to their excellent zoom, binoculars open up a world otherwise beyond the human eye. You can look at a waterfall.

- While playing a competitive or recreational tennis match, you'll want to be wearing a pair of French-cut black lace exceptions. Even you grandpa.

- It's called a master bedroom for a reason, so take control of your wife and children's lives with malicious mind games hatched on your king bed.

- Whether you are looking for a more traditional convertible sofa or some modern futon beds, we have you covered. Just don't ask how we've done it. You get what you want, we get what we want. Don't go nosing around where you don't belong.

- No woman should be without at least one leather bag or purse. Now give me your purse, you crazy old bat!

- Elliptical machines weren't made to be abused by a bunch of stupid kids. Abort your fetus before it grows into a horrible, stupid kid who will totally screw up your elliptical trainer.

- When you are trying to figure out how to use your storage bench, consider using it as a cash cache. Fill your storage bench with loose bills. In fact, fill your storage bench with priceless valuables, like DIAMONDS! GLITTERING PRIZES!

- Porridge Bench: Your kids' favorite bench will become your brand new porridge storage bench. Just slop a bunch of porridge into the bench for your children to lick up whenever they want. Kids love porridge!

- The large size of king beds allows sleepers to thrash about in the night, arms flailing dangerously in their tormented sleep without doing any long-term damage to the bed frame.

Editor's Note: As a part of my job I'm able to co-write a blog with my friend Bridger under the pen name of Meredith Boone. We are given a good amount of freedom as long as we use certain keywords in the copy. Some of them are pretty fun to read. Give them a look here. You can tell which ones I wrote and which ones Bridger wrote because his are generally quite a bit more funny than mine. We've even written some together! Imagine that!

Extra Credit: Here are two songs I think are worth your while. Listen to them if you want.


Melissa said...

You've done it again, Craig. These are great.

Bridger W. said...

The waterfall one and the parents-ruin-trades one are absolutely hilarious.