Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Drunker You Are, The Better I Dance

When I moved to Denver from Salt Lake City, I realized that people might be hesitantly curious about my religion of choice after I told them, "I'm from Utah." And although it's pretty obvious, I guess I didn't really think about how significant that is. To at least a few people, I am now, "the Mormon guy," which isn't really how I've ever characterized myself in the past. This brings up a few interesting situations. Being Mormon in Salt Lake City isn't really a very interesting thing to be. In fact, being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (obligatory full name reference) is common enough in Utah that even if I hadn't been a member, people probably would have assumed I was. Being Mormon in Denver is apparently more interesting.

Anyway, one of these situations is bar hopping. Now, just in case I am about to be accused of naivety by a non-Mormon reader of the blog ("What!? Do they not teach you about bars in sunday school!? HAHAHAHA! HA! HA! HA!"), I'm not shocked by an outing to a bar. I've been to bars before. But considering I don't drink, if I go to a bar, I usually go to see a band play. ("I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis" - The Most Interesting Man in the World.) Since I can acquire a Dr. Pepper pretty much anywhere, the soda selection at a bar isn't really a hook for me.

Case in point: partying at a bar isn't something I generally spend loads of time doing. However, I did do it last weekend, and I had a great time. (Notice to people concerned about my Mormon-ness: Mormon-ness stable. Dr. Pepper consumption increased. Put all your fears to rest.) In fact, having a Mormon at a bar is pretty convenient, because everyone can drink as much as they want and still catch a ride home.

The second reason I don't usually go to bars, aside from the fact that I don't drink, is I'm not much of a dancer in the terms of "dancing at a bar." I can lay out a pretty mean Merengue, I can do the Cha Cha (thanks Ballroom Dance 1!), but when it comes to grinding my pelvis against someone else or just looking like a cool guy as I bounce to hip-hop music, let's face it, I'm doomed to failure. I don't ever expect to be dancing at a bar and for someone to think, "Cool dance!" or "I hope he brings that pelvis over here." That is why I'm grateful that most people in a bar are drunk or getting drunk. The drunker everyone else is, the harder it is to detect that I can't dance.

They're thinking: "Wow, that guy looked like a total fool a few hours ago, but now he's a dancing maniac!"

I'm thinking: "Drink up!"

Anyway, that is the major topic of discussion today. A few unrelated thoughts:

- If your name is Lulu B. Mcgee, fate has dealt you a bitter hand.

- I've had a major craving for Oreos lately. After basically ignoring Oreos for almost my entire life, I suddenly really want to eat Oreos.

- Now that I live in a studio apartment, I've gained the confidence to sing at the top of my lungs whenever I want, even though I know the walls are super thin.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Have You Thought of Craig Lately?

My friend Elizabeth suggested I fill out another one of these surveys. I thought that was a good idea, because it's about time I reminded people what I'm all about. These are some of the things I'm about:

Family Values
Freedom of the Press
The American Way
Being a Team Player
Getting Along
Team Work
Clean Fun
Working Together
Being Champions

Anyway, I filled out the rest of these questions to remind you about everything else I'm about. Also, my friend Bridger recently invented a genius web site called Please Don't Tell People. I think it is an absolutely brilliant idea. If you don't look at it now, people will tell you about it later and you'll feel like a total doofus.

And now I present to you, information about me! --

1. When's the last time you ran? - Two weeks ago, honestly. I ran playing Ultimate Frisbee two weeks ago. Now that Ultimate Frisbee, my only mode of exercise, has left my life, I can't think of any reason why my body won't atrophy and eventually crumble into a pile of dust.

2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? I have a full armoire packed to the brim with crisp, unused Kangaroo Jncos.

3. What are you dreading right now? I'm not dreading anything at the moment. I feel pretty calm about most everything. Whatever sinister force is out there creeping ever-closer to my eventual destruction is being really sneaky about it.

4. Do you celebrate 420? It is my special privilege, once a year, to celebrate the day Gerald Ford reported for active duty in the U.S. Navy in 1942. I wake up early on April 20 each year, wave an American flag and scream, "Give 'em Hell, Gerald!"

5. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? I really try to get 8 hours of sleep a night. Usually if I don't it's because I was doing something completely worthless that prevented it from happening. Sometimes I prefer just to stay awake because I think of all the things I have to do the next day and think, "If I go to bed, I'm going to have to do that stuff pretty much immediately."

6. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? - I'd be like, "Hey man, it's my lazy day. That's why I'm lying in this hammock."

7. Who last grabbed your ass? Myself. I just reached behind me and gave my butt a nice, firm squeeze.

8. Have you ever been on your school's track team? - I have indeed. I ran an awful lot. I threw-up after more races during track season than any other season.

9. Do you own a pair of Converse? I sure don't.

10. Did you copy and paste this survey? No, I entered each letter painstakingly into an ink printing press.

11. Do you eat raw cookie dough? I wouldn't say I do this enough to consider it, "something I do." But I have done this. To save money, I usually just slip the lid off the top while still in the store, lick my sopping wet tongue across the surface of the delicious raw cookie dough and pop the top back on.

12. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? - I don't think so, but I have punched a vending machine. I'm a gentleman, and gentleman do not kick. Gentleman engage in fisticuffs.

13. Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? I spent nearly an entire year listening to the oldies station, and I was disappointed by how little variety they had. Now I can never really listen to Boston again.

14. Do you watch Trading Spaces? - I've never watched it even once. If Trading Spaces suddenly disappeared, I'd never say, "Hey! What ever happened to Trading Spaces?!"

15. How do you eat oreos? - Just like I'd eat any other cookie. It can't expect any special treatment from me.

16. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? - Often I lay in wait for days until I see someone pop up in gchat, then I pounce, "Hi!"

17. Are you cocky? - I don't think I'm even remotely cocky. But I do think I'm fairly sure of myself when it comes to my opinion, which can be a little irritating, I'm sure.

18. Could you live without a computer? Yeah, but I'd be upset all the time. I'd be walking around thinking, "Everyone else has a computer! Why in the hell don't I have one?"

19. Do you wear your shoes in the house? I usually do. Don't you? Momma's boy?

20. Who or what sleeps with you? Every night I snuggle up with a musty, wild elk. But every morning I wake up alone.

21. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? This is an irresponsible question, and I won't participate.

22. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? Just one. Just the one I own.

23. What do you do when you're sad? I act as though I am not sad, so it is very hard to detect.

24. Who would you call first if you won the lottery? My brother, Curtis.

25. Last time you saw your best friend? - Before I left for Denver. And now I see them every night in my DREAMS! Hahahah! Ha! Haha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! HA!

26. Are you in high school? No. But I could probably still pass through a highschool undetected thanks to my youthful appearance.

27. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? The second I acquire a girlfriend I will begin slipping into her finery. Enough of these drab t-shirts and jeans! Hello summer dresses and cardigans!

28. Where do you work? I don't have a job anymore. I recently applied for loads of free money! Now I don't have to work ever again!

29. What are you doing tomorrow? I'm going to try my best! I'm going to live life to the fullest! I'm going to dream big! I'm going to drink life from a hose! Literally nothing stands in my way! My life starts tomorrow!

30. Favorite name for a girl? Vunnuhtie

31. Favorite name for a boy? Vanatee

32. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Yes, but I will be changing my first name to my wife's first name. I just want to be fair.

33. When was the last time you left your house? It was hours ago.

34. Do you return your cart? Returning my cart is one of the things I do that validates the fact that I haven't been murdered yet.

35. Do you have a dishwasher? No. I haven't had a dishwasher for years. I eat my meals right off the kitchen floor so I don't have to do my dishes by hand. I slop my food onto the floor, slop it into my mouth, and then scrub the kitchen floor until it is spotless.

36. What noise do you hear? Not a sound can be heard.

37. Would you survive in prison? Yes, I'm a survivor. But I'd be pissed all the time. I'd be like, "Everyone else has a computer! Why the hell don't I have a computer?"

38. Who is the youngest in your family? My little sister is 10 years old. She is a diamond in the rough, just like Aladdin.

39. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likey overpack? Craig no likey when friend's overpack!

40. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? The doctor who delivered me is named Craig. He's a family friend. I'm named after Craig.

41. What's the last thing you purchased? I bought a French Dip yesterday. It was pretty good. It's not a problem either, because I bought it with all the free money I was recently given.

42. What song best describes your life right now? Love You Tender by Ohjaaja

I love you, I want to love you tender
You could be my only sweet surrender
I would never bring you any kind of sorrow
You love me, you wanna love me tender
How can I be sure you're not pretender
You want me today, but what about tomorrow!

Oh, you're absolutely fine! Your lips are taste of wine! I like to think you're mine!
And if I could touch your hand, this rock would turn to sand! So this is where we stand!

Sweet, sweet words.

43. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? When I go out on the town, I coat my body in the odor of bat pheremones. Women are naturally attracted to bat pheremones. That's why so many women are having passionate trysts with bats.

44. Are you taking college classes right now? Today I finished my third day of law school in Denver. Nothing horrible has happened to me yet, but it's only a matter of time.

45. Do you like sushi? I will eat sushi, I think sushi is fine, but I'm not drooling all over myself to eat sushi. I think a huge number of people who, "LOVE! SUSHI!" actually think sushi is just okay.

46. Do you get your hair cut every month? I usually go 2 or 3 months and then decide, "I look totally ridiculous. I'm a hideous floppy mess!" Then I wait another 2 weeks and get a haircut.

Editor's Note: Please notify Craig as to the date of your Denver vacation as soon as possible.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I Live in Denver Now

Well, I officially live in Denver. I signed a lease. I plugged in my television. I bought a shower curtain. Those are the three domestic things I've done that, I think, qualify me as a resident of Colorado. Thus far most of my meals have been provided by my law orientation, which is good, because all I have is cereal and pb&j sandwich materials. Another fun fact about my situation is that I have no furniture. My condition is as follows:

- I'm sleeping on a camping cot.

- My computer desk = a dinner tray

- My TV stand = another dinner tray

- I'm sitting on an upside-down garbage can right now.

I've been so busy getting to know the city. Here are some of the fun things I've done -

I met the Denver Broncos Cheerleaders:

I enjoyed the outdoors:

I saw the big city:

I hung out at the law school:

Anyway, my apartment is actually pretty nice. It's a studio apartment, but it has a long hallway, and a walk-in closet. Plus, since I don't have any furniture, I have plenty of room. If my family never brings out my furniture, I might move into the walk-in closet and rent out the room and kitchen area.

One last thing. On the way here I saw an ad for a hotel that I thought was kind of fun. I can't remember the city, but for the purposes of this demonstration, we'll call it Stinking Hell Holeburg. In Sticking Hell Holeburg they have a sign that says, "Honey, let's stay at the Econolodge in Stinking Hell Holeburg, because there isn't any other lodging for 102 miles!" I thought this was a pretty honest approach to a business. It's like they got together and said, "Let's face it, this place totally sucks...we have nothing to offer customers except that we exist." I wish they went all the way and finished it off with "...and if we don't find shelter, we could be killed." I would love a restaurant based on this concept: "Honey, let's eat Ox Balls at the Poo Barn Buffet, because there isn't another restaurant for 102 miles! If we don't eat something we will starve and die."

Seriously, last thing: the drive to Denver was actually pretty nice. I rode the I-70 from St. George. Once I got out of the desert I'm pretty sure I just drove through Park City about 5 times and I was here. Then I had the ordeal of driving around the boonies of Denver for an hour and a half, thanks to Mapquest. But that is another story. Maybe I'll tell you about it one day!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Tire Trouble and Nazi Flying Saucers

In the last three days I have gotten 3 tire leaks in 3 of my car tires. I had 2 patched, but apparently one is un-patchable. Now I need new tires, and I'm driving around on a spare. Also, today I was told my 1991 Honda Accord's "control arm" is going out, which could cause me to lose control at high speeds. I then drove to work, positive that all four tires were about to explode simultaneously, and then my faulty "control arm" would start my body on fire. I'm living on the edge!

On one hand I think, "At least all these things are happening to my car before I drive to Denver." On the other hand I think,"S@#%!!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!! (Air punching)"

The other day I learned about a really bizarre Nazi religion. It's called Tempelhofgesellschaft, which according to Yahoo translator, means "Tempelhof company." You might be familiar with these other German companies: Microsoftgesellschaft, Kraftgesellschaft, and LA Stylesgesellschaft.

Anyway, here is a description straight from the Wikipedia page about Tempelhofgesellschaft:

They distribute pamphlets claiming that the Aryan race originally came to Atlantis from the star Aldebaran(this information is supposedly based on "ancient Sumerian manuscripts"). They maintain that the Aryans from Aldebaran derive their power from the vril energy of the Black Sun. They teach that since the Aryan race is of extraterrestrial origin (cf. Nordic aliens), it has a divine mission to dominate all the other races. It is believed by adherents of this religion that an enormous space fleet is on its way to Earth from Aldebaran which, when it arrives, will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica to establish the Western Imperium.

I have confirmed the accuracy of this Wikipedia entry by 2 other Google searches. Findings: accuracy confirmed. This religion is still practiced today.

Now, I'm not one to mock the religions of others, but it should be a pretty clear indicator that you have made a horrible mistake when an integral part of your core religious beliefs include the sentence, "will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."

For example, here are some other religions, amplified by this super-charged line of religious genius:

- "The earth will be baptized in flame and the righteous will be carried into heaven, where they will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "When you die, you will be born again as a squirrel, or a dog, or possibly a horse. Then you will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "The moment you reach Nirvana is the very moment you will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "Conflict will break out in the valley of Armageddon, and the armies will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."

Another chink in the armor of Tempelhofgesellschaft is that everyone knows Atlantis was actually populated by psychic mermaids.

Editor's Note: I'm leaving town for good on Thursday afternoon. Use this opportunity to give me more attention and affection than usual. If you ever wanted to give me a French kiss, the time is now.