Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Have You Thought of Craig Lately?

My friend Elizabeth suggested I fill out another one of these surveys. I thought that was a good idea, because it's about time I reminded people what I'm all about. These are some of the things I'm about:

Family Values
Freedom of the Press
The American Way
Being a Team Player
Getting Along
Team Work
Clean Fun
Working Together
Being Champions

Anyway, I filled out the rest of these questions to remind you about everything else I'm about. Also, my friend Bridger recently invented a genius web site called Please Don't Tell People. I think it is an absolutely brilliant idea. If you don't look at it now, people will tell you about it later and you'll feel like a total doofus.

And now I present to you, information about me! --

1. When's the last time you ran? - Two weeks ago, honestly. I ran playing Ultimate Frisbee two weeks ago. Now that Ultimate Frisbee, my only mode of exercise, has left my life, I can't think of any reason why my body won't atrophy and eventually crumble into a pile of dust.

2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? I have a full armoire packed to the brim with crisp, unused Kangaroo Jncos.

3. What are you dreading right now? I'm not dreading anything at the moment. I feel pretty calm about most everything. Whatever sinister force is out there creeping ever-closer to my eventual destruction is being really sneaky about it.

4. Do you celebrate 420? It is my special privilege, once a year, to celebrate the day Gerald Ford reported for active duty in the U.S. Navy in 1942. I wake up early on April 20 each year, wave an American flag and scream, "Give 'em Hell, Gerald!"

5. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? I really try to get 8 hours of sleep a night. Usually if I don't it's because I was doing something completely worthless that prevented it from happening. Sometimes I prefer just to stay awake because I think of all the things I have to do the next day and think, "If I go to bed, I'm going to have to do that stuff pretty much immediately."

6. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? - I'd be like, "Hey man, it's my lazy day. That's why I'm lying in this hammock."

7. Who last grabbed your ass? Myself. I just reached behind me and gave my butt a nice, firm squeeze.

8. Have you ever been on your school's track team? - I have indeed. I ran an awful lot. I threw-up after more races during track season than any other season.

9. Do you own a pair of Converse? I sure don't.

10. Did you copy and paste this survey? No, I entered each letter painstakingly into an ink printing press.

11. Do you eat raw cookie dough? I wouldn't say I do this enough to consider it, "something I do." But I have done this. To save money, I usually just slip the lid off the top while still in the store, lick my sopping wet tongue across the surface of the delicious raw cookie dough and pop the top back on.

12. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? - I don't think so, but I have punched a vending machine. I'm a gentleman, and gentleman do not kick. Gentleman engage in fisticuffs.

13. Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? I spent nearly an entire year listening to the oldies station, and I was disappointed by how little variety they had. Now I can never really listen to Boston again.

14. Do you watch Trading Spaces? - I've never watched it even once. If Trading Spaces suddenly disappeared, I'd never say, "Hey! What ever happened to Trading Spaces?!"

15. How do you eat oreos? - Just like I'd eat any other cookie. It can't expect any special treatment from me.

16. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? - Often I lay in wait for days until I see someone pop up in gchat, then I pounce, "Hi!"

17. Are you cocky? - I don't think I'm even remotely cocky. But I do think I'm fairly sure of myself when it comes to my opinion, which can be a little irritating, I'm sure.

18. Could you live without a computer? Yeah, but I'd be upset all the time. I'd be walking around thinking, "Everyone else has a computer! Why in the hell don't I have one?"

19. Do you wear your shoes in the house? I usually do. Don't you? Momma's boy?

20. Who or what sleeps with you? Every night I snuggle up with a musty, wild elk. But every morning I wake up alone.

21. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? This is an irresponsible question, and I won't participate.

22. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? Just one. Just the one I own.

23. What do you do when you're sad? I act as though I am not sad, so it is very hard to detect.

24. Who would you call first if you won the lottery? My brother, Curtis.

25. Last time you saw your best friend? - Before I left for Denver. And now I see them every night in my DREAMS! Hahahah! Ha! Haha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! HA!

26. Are you in high school? No. But I could probably still pass through a highschool undetected thanks to my youthful appearance.

27. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? The second I acquire a girlfriend I will begin slipping into her finery. Enough of these drab t-shirts and jeans! Hello summer dresses and cardigans!

28. Where do you work? I don't have a job anymore. I recently applied for loads of free money! Now I don't have to work ever again!

29. What are you doing tomorrow? I'm going to try my best! I'm going to live life to the fullest! I'm going to dream big! I'm going to drink life from a hose! Literally nothing stands in my way! My life starts tomorrow!

30. Favorite name for a girl? Vunnuhtie

31. Favorite name for a boy? Vanatee

32. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Yes, but I will be changing my first name to my wife's first name. I just want to be fair.

33. When was the last time you left your house? It was hours ago.

34. Do you return your cart? Returning my cart is one of the things I do that validates the fact that I haven't been murdered yet.

35. Do you have a dishwasher? No. I haven't had a dishwasher for years. I eat my meals right off the kitchen floor so I don't have to do my dishes by hand. I slop my food onto the floor, slop it into my mouth, and then scrub the kitchen floor until it is spotless.

36. What noise do you hear? Not a sound can be heard.

37. Would you survive in prison? Yes, I'm a survivor. But I'd be pissed all the time. I'd be like, "Everyone else has a computer! Why the hell don't I have a computer?"

38. Who is the youngest in your family? My little sister is 10 years old. She is a diamond in the rough, just like Aladdin.

39. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likey overpack? Craig no likey when friend's overpack!

40. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? The doctor who delivered me is named Craig. He's a family friend. I'm named after Craig.

41. What's the last thing you purchased? I bought a French Dip yesterday. It was pretty good. It's not a problem either, because I bought it with all the free money I was recently given.

42. What song best describes your life right now? Love You Tender by Ohjaaja

I love you, I want to love you tender
You could be my only sweet surrender
I would never bring you any kind of sorrow
You love me, you wanna love me tender
How can I be sure you're not pretender
You want me today, but what about tomorrow!

Oh, you're absolutely fine! Your lips are taste of wine! I like to think you're mine!
And if I could touch your hand, this rock would turn to sand! So this is where we stand!

Sweet, sweet words.

43. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? When I go out on the town, I coat my body in the odor of bat pheremones. Women are naturally attracted to bat pheremones. That's why so many women are having passionate trysts with bats.

44. Are you taking college classes right now? Today I finished my third day of law school in Denver. Nothing horrible has happened to me yet, but it's only a matter of time.

45. Do you like sushi? I will eat sushi, I think sushi is fine, but I'm not drooling all over myself to eat sushi. I think a huge number of people who, "LOVE! SUSHI!" actually think sushi is just okay.

46. Do you get your hair cut every month? I usually go 2 or 3 months and then decide, "I look totally ridiculous. I'm a hideous floppy mess!" Then I wait another 2 weeks and get a haircut.

Editor's Note: Please notify Craig as to the date of your Denver vacation as soon as possible.


Bridger W. said...

I'm only halfway through but I felt I needed to stop to tell you how hard I'm laughing. I'll report back soon!

Bridger W. said...

This was absolutely spectacular. You should be the only person allowed to fill these out. I laughed aloud (LA) several times. My list of favorites is too long to share, but I will say this was the crowning moment for me:

32. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Yes, but I will be changing my first name to my wife's first name. I just want to be fair.


Also, I'm coming to Denver ASAP.

MandiScandal said...

Seriously. You are so freaking awesome. i love this survey and I love your wit. but I have to say... i LOVE! SUSHI! and I don't just think it's ok. And I just got BACK from my denver vacation yesterday and probably won't be going back anytime soon....but its a gorgeous city!

jaime said...

That was probably the best choreographed video I've ever seen! They can be proud of themselves for making it.

Like Bridger I can't pick a favorite part of this blog. It's all gold! Just like you pal! You have Midas's touch!

Miss you :-(

Andrea Jolene said...

Like unto the State Fair (THEE state fair), you receive an e-blue ribbon for this post. I LOL'ed I tell you! L.O.L'ed! And then passed it on to co-workers and gchat friends also wasting the work day for them to LOL. And I bet they did... I bet they did.

Aubs Burray said...

I think the greatest thing about that video is the guy walking across the stage with a toaster....I'm pretty sure it's a toaster. It's at the very least something really shiny and we all like shiny objects. Also the the flying car from Grease was awesome.

Jordan said...

Craig, this is some of your finest work. I went out of my mind over so many of these. It would be impossible to overstate how much I loved this.