Saturday, October 30, 2010

A Survey With a Song

First of all, I occasionally write and record songs. If you didn't know this, surprise! Sometimes I post them on the Internet. I'm going to do that now. Please keep in mind I recorded this sitting at my desk with a microphone and pretty low-quality equipment, so it isn't perfect. Also, this is the first song I've ever used my keyboard, so that's nice. If you hate this song, I still expect you to give me praise.

Craig Blake - Clever Lucy

Second, I think it's about time I reminded everyone what Craig Blake stands for. Here are a few things I stand for:

Doing my best
Giving money to charities
Trying my hardest
Doing good deeds
Winning sports
Hard work
Being the best me I can be

Anyway, here are some other things you can learn about me, so you can finally know what I stand for.

1. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I don't have a mole in a weird place. I have milky smooth skin. Like a princess.

2. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? I taught myself how to play the harmonica, and I enjoyed every sexy minute of it.

3. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? If you sit next to me in a movie theater, one thing is guaranteed: my tongue is going to be in your mouth for two hours. Let this be a warning to you all.

4. What body part do you wash first? - Every morning I lower my body horizontally into a vat of Lysol.

5. Do you have any peircings? I don't have any piercings. No one likes a sloppy speller.

6. What's the strangest talent you have? I'm really good at the Indian Pointer Game. I have never lost. If you challenge me at the Indian Pointer Game (or the Native American Pointer Game, as it is now called), I'll make you reconsider your self-worth. Here is me permanantly damaging the right arm of a female co-worker to prove my masculinity:

7. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie. A beautiful, milky smooth innie. Like a princess.

8. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? Sour Cream and Onion.

9. Have you ever been tied up? Only when I'm doing magic tricks...which is constantly. "Hey, want to see a magic trick? Great, tie me up!"

10. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? I think I got grounded last for staying out too late and playing Lord of the Rings: Risk at my future sister-in-law's house. I was Hell on wheels!

11. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I follow my heart. "You're sure to do impossible things, if you follow your heart. Your dreams will fly on magical wings, if you follow your heart." - Thumbelina.

12. Have you ever had two dates in one night? No, just one at a time. When you factor in the solid 2 hours of theater French kissing, two dates in one night isn't very practical.

13. How many times have you been cussed out? Only once, by a taxi driver in Tijuana. I decided not to take his taxi, because I knew he was going to leave me in the desert pants-less.

14. Which shoe do you put on first? I put on any shoe I damn well please.

15. How old are you? I'm 24. I'm a real man.

16. Is there one thing all of your ex's have had in common? They all think I have milky, smooth skin. Like a princess.

17. Did you french kiss anyone before you were 16? Who didn't I French kiss before I was 16? I was rushing around French kissing everyone. "Let's French kiss," I used to say.

18. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? I'm an Eagle Scout. I've also used my pants as a floatation device.

19. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

20. What was your childhood nickname? My brother called me Poof for many years because I had a haircut my mother picked out of a female haircut magazine. Wise decision.

21. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I'm trying to forget.

22. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? I DO TONS OF WEIRD STUFF! I'M SO WEIRD!!!!

23. How do you normally eat your cookies? Just like a regular human.

24. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? To match my shoes.

25. Name something you do when you're alone? Grand larson.

26. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? Considering I've never had a drink and I'm fairly thin, I'm going to say about 27.

27. How often do you clean out your ears? Every morning. I know people say q-tips are unhealthy, but I'm never going to stop! I'M HELL ON WHEELS!! HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!

28. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? I fold it into a beautiful origami crane to ensure total coverage.

27. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? Every hour, on the hour.

28. Do you have any strange phobias? No, I'm too brave to have a strange phobia. You freaking baby.

29. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? I'm very sensible in bars.

30. Have you ever played naked twister? No. When I play Twister I wear an asbestos suit to persuade the other players to leave the mat.

31. Have you ever been drunk at work? I've never been drunk at all.

32. Do you want to bring sexy back? I wanted to bring sexy back way before it was cool. I was always like, "Hey guys, do you want to bring sexy back?" Everyone was like, "Stupid idea, Craig."

I don't know if you noticed, but there were 32 questions. That's Karl Malone's number. I did this survey to honor Karl Malone. He will live on in our hearts forever. He will also live forever in reality, because he is immortal.

Final Note: I have a friend named Bridger who writes an excellent, very funny blog called Please Don't Tell People. Give it a look or regret it for the rest of your miserable life.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Rat Urine, Zombies, and Deception

This post is going to cover several unrelated topics. Be an adult.

Today I read a case about a man who drowned in a pool of rat urine. I've tried my best to never drown in a pool of rat urine. So far, so good. There is no easy way to break that news: (read with morose voices)

Friend of the Deceased: What happened?
Lawyer: Well, he was simply swimming in a pool full of rat urine-
Friend of the Deceased: But he couldn't swim!
Lawyer: Yes, he drowned. He drowned in the pool of rat urine.

If you can't swim, the last place you should ever go willingly is a deep pool of rat urine. I can't imagine what this person was thinking, "Well, I'm a weak swimmer, and this is full of rat urine...CANNON BALL!"

Moving on.

It's nearly Halloween, and there is something that needs to be finally addressed publicly. There is a picture of a zombie floating around that looks exactly like me. Here is the picture:

Is that picture not incredibly uncanny? This is the mental conversation I had with myself when I first saw that, "There I am dressed as a zombie. Wait...I never did that...(brain explosion.)" - If you type "zombie" into a Google Image search, that picture is the second result. Incredible. I want to start putting that on my resume as evidence of an acting career.

Speaking of zombies, I'm pretty excited about the upcoming AMC series, "The Walking Dead." I know some people are a bit zombied out after the recent zombie-craze, but I am not. Please note Character Flaw B. At the end of most zombie movies I think, "'s over then? I was hoping there would be 22 more hours."

I'm hoping The Walking Dead can fill the hole in my heart that Heroes left when it forced me through two years of eye-ball scratching agony and then got itself cancelled. Here is the trailer. If you don't like it, then you have some growing up to do.

I like that the police officer in the trailer wears his police outfit throughout the trailer, even after the zombies show up. I'm hoping he does this because the zombies are wearing all of earth's remaining wardrobe finery. I like that story arc: "A small-town sherriff on a mission to wrestle an appropriate cocktail dress from the fashionable zombie horde."

Moving on.

The other day I had to go back and edit one thing in a post after some people had already commented on it. I really like that function. I like the idea of writing a perfectly nice blog, waiting for comments to come in, and then changing the content of the blog to something horribly offensive. That way I could write something or other, and maybe get this comment:

Candace Cameron says: Haha! I totally agree with you! I do that all the time!

And then I could change the blog post to say:


Once Hollywood saw that, Candace Cameron's raging acting career would crumble.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Things No One Cares About

Today I got home from school and spent the next two hours sitting on my couch, trying to forget that I was in law school. This is a time-honored stress-reduction method I used during my undergrad. During my acquisition of an English degree I would occasionally come home, slump over my couch, and pretend I had nothing important to do. I once watched nearly an entire season of The Biggest Loser on the Oxygen network in one sitting during one of these sessions.

This blog post is an attempt to extend the amount of time I can waste denying reality. I just don't want to read case law right now.

Today I was shuffling through some of my character flaws, and I'd like to focus on one of them:

A. I'm usually pretty good at things that no one cares about.

This is kind of a shame. I wouldn't mind being naturally talented at a few things people care about, like basketball, break dancing, sewing, carving nudes, etc. People care about those things. It is my greatest anxiety that people occasionally think, "Craig would be cooler if he could carve a nude. I doubt that idiot has carved a single nude in his entire life."

I think this character flaw works hand-in-hand with character flaw B:

B. I'm easily attached to anything I like, and I'm very comfortable with repeating that thing over, and over again.

For example, I love Ultimate Frisbee. There was a time in my life (two summers ago) that a large group of people loved playing Ultimate Frisbee as well. Unfortunately, most everyone else quickly lost interest after the first several months of Ultimate Frisbee, which was tough on me, since I was perfectly happy to play Ultimate Frisbee with the same people, on the same field, once a week, every week for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, the combination of character flaw A and character flaw B usually means I'm very interested in doing all kinds of things no one else wants to do. Here is a short list of some of those things:

Things Craig Are Good At

1. The Limbo (and other party games) - I love the Limbo. I'm pretty incredible at the Limbo. In fact, I wouldn't mind expanding this to party games in general. The reason I'm better at party games than nearly anyone is because no one has ever cared to excel at party games as much as me. That is actually the same reason why I'm better at all things that no one cares about; because there are people out there who want to be good at football. But no one is as determined to be the best at finding a Starburst hidden in a pile of flour with just his mouth as I am. When I'm engaged in a party game, I have the advantage of knowing that no one cares about winning as much as I do.

2. Mechanical Bull Riding - Most people ride mechanical bulls to have fun with their friends. I ride mechanical bulls to prove my thighs are stronger than yours. If there is one thing I value, it's building a reputation for my thighs.

3. Mafia - This is a game you play with a large group that basically results in people loudly arguing with each other. I am good at this game because I'm way more willing than others to make people hate me in order to win. Not to mention, I'm wildly persuasive. I could persuade you out of your pants. That's why I went to law school. I want to go into pants law. - "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please relinquish your pants."

4. Karaoke - Contrary to popular belief, you don't need a incredible voice to excel at karaoke. What you need is loads of enthusiasm. I spent years horrified of karaoke, and just last year realized it is pretty much the only thing I care about. I will sing right into your face until your ears explode.

6. Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup - I know I've discussed this before, but I honestly could be the best Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup player on this planet, because I might be the only person on this planet who ever cared to play this very mediocre, 7 year-old Playstation 2 game. I recently told a friend that I wish Harry Potter was a liquid, so I could just lie around in it. This is one of my attempts to do that.

Anyway, I'm good at a few other things, but they are equally obsolete as the things I've already talked about.

Final Note:
- My friend Melissa has an excellent blog. She recently wrote a post that I think was really great. Hopefully she'll continue writing more often.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Do What the Panda Says

Get a load of THIS!

I think that's a pretty good series of commercials.

I'd like to remind you again, my friend Bridger began a blog called Please Don't Tell People. It's a really great idea, and if you don't get on board, you'll be behaving like a child.

That's all I have for you today. I'm mentally exausted. Posting that video and typing the last few tiny sentences mentally exausted me.