Saturday, October 30, 2010

A Survey With a Song

First of all, I occasionally write and record songs. If you didn't know this, surprise! Sometimes I post them on the Internet. I'm going to do that now. Please keep in mind I recorded this sitting at my desk with a microphone and pretty low-quality equipment, so it isn't perfect. Also, this is the first song I've ever used my keyboard, so that's nice. If you hate this song, I still expect you to give me praise.

Craig Blake - Clever Lucy

Second, I think it's about time I reminded everyone what Craig Blake stands for. Here are a few things I stand for:

Doing my best
Giving money to charities
Trying my hardest
Doing good deeds
Winning sports
Hard work
Being the best me I can be

Anyway, here are some other things you can learn about me, so you can finally know what I stand for.

1. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I don't have a mole in a weird place. I have milky smooth skin. Like a princess.

2. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? I taught myself how to play the harmonica, and I enjoyed every sexy minute of it.

3. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? If you sit next to me in a movie theater, one thing is guaranteed: my tongue is going to be in your mouth for two hours. Let this be a warning to you all.

4. What body part do you wash first? - Every morning I lower my body horizontally into a vat of Lysol.

5. Do you have any peircings? I don't have any piercings. No one likes a sloppy speller.

6. What's the strangest talent you have? I'm really good at the Indian Pointer Game. I have never lost. If you challenge me at the Indian Pointer Game (or the Native American Pointer Game, as it is now called), I'll make you reconsider your self-worth. Here is me permanantly damaging the right arm of a female co-worker to prove my masculinity:

7. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie. A beautiful, milky smooth innie. Like a princess.

8. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? Sour Cream and Onion.

9. Have you ever been tied up? Only when I'm doing magic tricks...which is constantly. "Hey, want to see a magic trick? Great, tie me up!"

10. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? I think I got grounded last for staying out too late and playing Lord of the Rings: Risk at my future sister-in-law's house. I was Hell on wheels!

11. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I follow my heart. "You're sure to do impossible things, if you follow your heart. Your dreams will fly on magical wings, if you follow your heart." - Thumbelina.

12. Have you ever had two dates in one night? No, just one at a time. When you factor in the solid 2 hours of theater French kissing, two dates in one night isn't very practical.

13. How many times have you been cussed out? Only once, by a taxi driver in Tijuana. I decided not to take his taxi, because I knew he was going to leave me in the desert pants-less.

14. Which shoe do you put on first? I put on any shoe I damn well please.

15. How old are you? I'm 24. I'm a real man.

16. Is there one thing all of your ex's have had in common? They all think I have milky, smooth skin. Like a princess.

17. Did you french kiss anyone before you were 16? Who didn't I French kiss before I was 16? I was rushing around French kissing everyone. "Let's French kiss," I used to say.

18. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? I'm an Eagle Scout. I've also used my pants as a floatation device.

19. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

20. What was your childhood nickname? My brother called me Poof for many years because I had a haircut my mother picked out of a female haircut magazine. Wise decision.

21. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I'm trying to forget.

22. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? I DO TONS OF WEIRD STUFF! I'M SO WEIRD!!!!

23. How do you normally eat your cookies? Just like a regular human.

24. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? To match my shoes.

25. Name something you do when you're alone? Grand larson.

26. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? Considering I've never had a drink and I'm fairly thin, I'm going to say about 27.

27. How often do you clean out your ears? Every morning. I know people say q-tips are unhealthy, but I'm never going to stop! I'M HELL ON WHEELS!! HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!

28. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? I fold it into a beautiful origami crane to ensure total coverage.

27. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? Every hour, on the hour.

28. Do you have any strange phobias? No, I'm too brave to have a strange phobia. You freaking baby.

29. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? I'm very sensible in bars.

30. Have you ever played naked twister? No. When I play Twister I wear an asbestos suit to persuade the other players to leave the mat.

31. Have you ever been drunk at work? I've never been drunk at all.

32. Do you want to bring sexy back? I wanted to bring sexy back way before it was cool. I was always like, "Hey guys, do you want to bring sexy back?" Everyone was like, "Stupid idea, Craig."

I don't know if you noticed, but there were 32 questions. That's Karl Malone's number. I did this survey to honor Karl Malone. He will live on in our hearts forever. He will also live forever in reality, because he is immortal.

Final Note: I have a friend named Bridger who writes an excellent, very funny blog called Please Don't Tell People. Give it a look or regret it for the rest of your miserable life.


MandiScandal said...

lucy seems really rad.

Melissa said...

Craig, this survey was one of my favorites. Every answer was terrific, and it really made me wish you were still living close by.

Also, I really enjoyed that song. Keep it up.

jaime said...

I think you should try harder on your songs. I just don't feel like your giving your 110%. You have a lovely singing voice though! :-)

Ps- Your surveys are my favorite...ever!!

Craig Barlow B. said...

Jaime, did you not read the part where I demanded praise? Friendship terminated.

Thanks Melissa. I cannot wait to visit South Jordan.

ROXY MARJ said...

Craig! You freaking crack me up...and I love how you kept adding that you have smooth milky skin...totally ingrained forever in my head now ya weirdo! lol p.s. Bridger's blog is also hilarious [you two should really do a duo comedy act] BUT I am not able to leave a comment. I dunno... I feel totally retarded but check it out, are you able to leave a comment on his blog?

Bridger W. said...

Excellent. It's a shame you can't make a living filling these out. #20 is such a great piece of information.

Craig Barlow B. said...

Roxy, I know my response is slow and you might never read it, but I have no idea how to comment on Bridger's blog. All the comments are just "thumbs up"'s anyway. There isn't an actual comment box.

ROXY MARJ said...

Craig. I just read this :))) lol

Anonymous said...

I resemble #20. I mean REALLY let it go. (:

Jordan said...

No one is better at this than you.

Andrea Jolene said...

I love sour cream and onion flavored chips as well. Sooo... Craig is it?... wanna go to a movie?