Thursday, October 7, 2010

Things No One Cares About

Today I got home from school and spent the next two hours sitting on my couch, trying to forget that I was in law school. This is a time-honored stress-reduction method I used during my undergrad. During my acquisition of an English degree I would occasionally come home, slump over my couch, and pretend I had nothing important to do. I once watched nearly an entire season of The Biggest Loser on the Oxygen network in one sitting during one of these sessions.

This blog post is an attempt to extend the amount of time I can waste denying reality. I just don't want to read case law right now.

Today I was shuffling through some of my character flaws, and I'd like to focus on one of them:

A. I'm usually pretty good at things that no one cares about.

This is kind of a shame. I wouldn't mind being naturally talented at a few things people care about, like basketball, break dancing, sewing, carving nudes, etc. People care about those things. It is my greatest anxiety that people occasionally think, "Craig would be cooler if he could carve a nude. I doubt that idiot has carved a single nude in his entire life."

I think this character flaw works hand-in-hand with character flaw B:

B. I'm easily attached to anything I like, and I'm very comfortable with repeating that thing over, and over again.

For example, I love Ultimate Frisbee. There was a time in my life (two summers ago) that a large group of people loved playing Ultimate Frisbee as well. Unfortunately, most everyone else quickly lost interest after the first several months of Ultimate Frisbee, which was tough on me, since I was perfectly happy to play Ultimate Frisbee with the same people, on the same field, once a week, every week for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, the combination of character flaw A and character flaw B usually means I'm very interested in doing all kinds of things no one else wants to do. Here is a short list of some of those things:

Things Craig Are Good At

1. The Limbo (and other party games) - I love the Limbo. I'm pretty incredible at the Limbo. In fact, I wouldn't mind expanding this to party games in general. The reason I'm better at party games than nearly anyone is because no one has ever cared to excel at party games as much as me. That is actually the same reason why I'm better at all things that no one cares about; because there are people out there who want to be good at football. But no one is as determined to be the best at finding a Starburst hidden in a pile of flour with just his mouth as I am. When I'm engaged in a party game, I have the advantage of knowing that no one cares about winning as much as I do.

2. Mechanical Bull Riding - Most people ride mechanical bulls to have fun with their friends. I ride mechanical bulls to prove my thighs are stronger than yours. If there is one thing I value, it's building a reputation for my thighs.

3. Mafia - This is a game you play with a large group that basically results in people loudly arguing with each other. I am good at this game because I'm way more willing than others to make people hate me in order to win. Not to mention, I'm wildly persuasive. I could persuade you out of your pants. That's why I went to law school. I want to go into pants law. - "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please relinquish your pants."

4. Karaoke - Contrary to popular belief, you don't need a incredible voice to excel at karaoke. What you need is loads of enthusiasm. I spent years horrified of karaoke, and just last year realized it is pretty much the only thing I care about. I will sing right into your face until your ears explode.

6. Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup - I know I've discussed this before, but I honestly could be the best Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup player on this planet, because I might be the only person on this planet who ever cared to play this very mediocre, 7 year-old Playstation 2 game. I recently told a friend that I wish Harry Potter was a liquid, so I could just lie around in it. This is one of my attempts to do that.

Anyway, I'm good at a few other things, but they are equally obsolete as the things I've already talked about.

Final Note:
- My friend Melissa has an excellent blog. She recently wrote a post that I think was really great. Hopefully she'll continue writing more often.


jaime said...

I love that your awesome at all those obsolete things! It's quite endearing and vury entertaining...except when I first met you whilst playing Mafia and wanted to duct tape your mouth shut...wasn't entertained then.

Also, I can name something you're really good at that people care about. You are an actor extraordinaire! Wish you were here to make the Halloween movies with us this year :-(

Melissa said...

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please relinquish your pants."


I think you've got exactly the right attitude about karaoke. When we visit (or you visit), I hope I will have an opportunity to see you perform.

I thought of both of these comments before I saw your nice reference to me at the end. Craig, that was really so kind. Thank you.

TexasinDenver said...

Your blog owns my blog. This is probably why there's no Honor Cindy Day.

keviN said...

MAFIAAAAAAAA!!!!! that is the only real reason i ever went to HARC.

i've actually hand-made my own mafia cards and usually make it a point to have them on my person, or in a backpack attached to my person.

unfortunately i don't get to bust them out, or bust any serious caps on anybody as much these days..

Bridger W. said...

You need to trick J.K. Rowling into hosting a Quidditch World Cup championship so you can sweep it and get the attention you deserve for putting so many hours into such an awful video game.