Monday, November 15, 2010

Craig's Current Interests

My last post marked a historic moment in my blogging career: 40 posts in 2010. That means, up to that point, I had averaged one blog post per week. That is a huge accomplishment. Then I failed to blog for the next two weeks. Now I'm going to have to work extra hard to win back your trust, your hearts, and your lips.

Here are a few things I've been really interested in lately:

1. Campus P.D.

I was really surprised by my interest in Campus P.D., because it's just like watching COPS (something I hate doing) except nothing exciting ever happens.There are no car chases, no foot chases...basically it's just (mostly) terrible college students being written insignificant tickets. Somehow, the complete absence of exciting content is what makes Campus P.D. so much better than COPS for me.

It's like I've discovered a new interest in sitting in a barren room alone (something I usually hate doing) as long as I'm also being punched in the crotch by a giant.

It makes no sense at all, but I find myself watching Campus P.D. all the time. There is something very satisfying about watching horrible, 18-year old college kids getting citations for urinating in public. It makes me want to find a guy urinating in public who I can push into a bush when he is most vulnerable so I can feel a similar satisfaction first-hand.

Speaking of that particular citation, I can't help but think about how this law came to be. The fact that a law exists prohibiting "urinating in public," means that at some point in time, probably several points in time, some important people sat around an official-looking table in an expensive room and said, "We need to do something about people peeing all over the place."

2. Forcing People to Listen to Lou Bega

When I find myself with a captive audience, I like to turn on Mambo Number 5. No one is exactly sure how to react to Mambo Number 5, because they are going through this inner turmoil:

Mind: No! Must...reassert...contr...THE TRUMPET, aaaaAAAAH!
Body: Deploy the shimmy!

3. Turkey Pot Pies

The first year after moving out of my parent's house, I ate beef pot pies pretty much exclusively. A giant, 6-year old clump of beef pot pie is probably still hanging in my intestines, undigested. I gave up pot pies for a few years, but now I'm back, just with a different meat. At this point my diet probably consists of:

Turkey: 3%
Cat Meat: 22%
Batter: 75%
Gravy: 200%
Goop: Tonz

I made this pie graph to help you understand:

4. Sleepover Parties

Technically I've only had one sleepover party recently, but I realized how much I have been missing in the time between now and 9th grade. I went snowboarding this last weekend, and it was excellent. But I had a great time during our sort-of-impromptu sleepover party afterward as well. I don't understand why this isn't a more constant part of my life:

One Thing I'm Not Interested In:

On the snowboarding trip this last weekend, my friends and I dropped in on a Mexican restaurant with a sign promising us, "Real Mexican Food." I love real carnita tacos more than anything, but I feel like it's a huge risk to order them pretty much anywhere. I took my chances, and was rewarded by a horrible Suck Taco. ("Suck Taco" coined by Kirstin.) Instead of carnitas, it turned out to be some sort of meat cube suck taco I had to suffer through. There is a reason most restaurants don't advertise "Sweaty Meat Cubes" on their menu.

Anyway, in the end I accidentally left my take-home box at the restaurant. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't so much accidental as it was my subconscious protecting my mouth from further assault.


jaime said...

Was your sleep over with a girl? Did you put your tongue in her mouth? If she tried to take advantage of you I will come out there and introduce her to the Slap Bet Commissioner (that's me) and dole her out some slaps!!

Ps- You should make a video clip of you pushing random people into the bushes. That is all. Goodbye.

Andrea Jolene said...

They make cat-free Pot Pies now, did you know? It was the natural progression after dolphin free tuna and finger-free chili (a little McDonalds jab there - har har).

In other news - you've become a very tan and agile graduate of pillow fights. Don't think I missed that "cap and tassel" hint. Subtlety is not your strong suit.

Bridger W. said...

"Deploy the shimmy" is a genius line.