Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Papa's in the House

Last night I watched the Republican debate televised from Las Vegas. I think debates are pretty interesting, so I've watched all of them. I will not betray the trust the Boy Scouts of America vested in me when I was awarded the Citizenship in the Nation merit badge. This is also why I remain committed to sharing Indian Lore with strangers. My grasp of Indian Lore peaks somewhere around: "American Indians glue beads to turkey feathers."

As I watched the debate, I decided we should just let Herman Cain be president and make a blanket decision that all American presidents must also be pizza executives. Imagine the mileage we could get out of this guy:

A friend of mine recently pointed out that Papa John never blinks in commercials. And the two qualities I value most in presidential candidates are (1) pizza experience, and (2) lidless eyes.

Plus, this Papa John's commercial could easily be aired as a campaign video at little to no cost:

Substitute "Papa's in the house" with "Papa's in the White House" and this is exactly what an American public that craves pizza-related experience wants in a candidate.

I am dying for the day when the most important qualification for president isn't whether or not you've worked in the private sector, been a governor, opposed the incumbent president, or maintained an admirable voting record, but whether or not you've ever worked in pizza.

I dream of a day when this is a common concern for candidates: "What do you say to allegations that you don't own a pizza company?"

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Pants, Songs, and Zombies

Every once in a while a grown man has to take off his pants and play Super Nintendo in his apartment. I've decided pants can be a bit constricting, and so sometimes I don't wear them when I'm alone in my apartment. Also, I sometimes play Super Nintendo in this pantsless condition, because I'm an adult.

This becomes sort of weird, (because it wasn't before), whenever someone knocks on my door and I have to yell "just a minute" while I put my pants back on. It's even weirder if I have to admit, "yes, I just now put on pants." But no more. Next time I slowly answer my door and you think, "he just barely put on pants," don't be upset because I'm living the dream and you aren't.

But that's not the main thing I wanted to talk about. I recently made a song, and I think you should go ahead and listen to it. I recommend listening to it with headphones at a reasonably high volume. Here it is:
Get Frantic by craigblake

If you'd like to download this song for free, or listen to and download other songs I've made, feel free to visit this website. Both our dreams are about to come true.

Last, I had an argument today with a certain Brad about whether the zombies in the 2007 Will Smith zombie-thriller, I Am Legend, are zombies or vampires.

Brad's View: They are vampires.
Craig's View: They are crappy-looking zombies.

I think we both had some good points there, but I will summarize a few more by copy and pasting portions of our chat:


11:00 AM Bradley: Can u imagine a tiger zombie?
11:01 AM me: That is too awesome for me to imagine.


11:05 AM Bradley: : " Review. One of the most influential vampire novels of the 20th century, I Am Legend regularly appears on the "10 Best" lists of numerous critical studies of the horror genre. Vampires. I rest my case."
11:06 AM me: "That's nonsense. reviews are written by criminals and sexual degenerates."


11:08 AM Bradley: "I think that would make them more ghouls, not zombies. If you are thinking of something such as night of the living dead.
11:09 AM me: "Night of the Living Dead is no ghoul movie! That's crazy talk. It's totally a zombie movie. There is no such thing as a 'Ghoul Movie.'"


11:16 AM me: "Well, either way, in the movie, they are totally zombies. They're just crappy, over-produced zombies."
11:16 AM Bradley: "I disagree. I just Googled it. Apparently it is quite a discussion."
11:17 AM me: "I will not yield. I will not waver."
11:18 AM Bradley: "Haha. I just broke my pen out of anger."

Anyway, I think you can tell we won't be resolving this issue today. Meanwhile, here are two zombie movies I've seen that maybe you haven't. Considering it's nearly Halloween, maybe you should:

Black Sheep
- I'm not exactly sure whether I should call this a "zombie sheep" or "weresheep" movie, but it was first introduced to me as a "zombie sheep" movie. So I'm going to stick with that. Want to see a sheep drive a truck? This movie is for you. Here is the trailer:

Dead Snow - This is a movie about Nazi Zombies, which is a difficult combination to beat. Also, this movie features zombies that occasionally pop directly out of the ground with no explanation on how they strategically burrowed to that position. And that is something special. Here is that trailer:

Final Note: Every time I discuss zombies, I think it's important to post this popular picture of a zombie that looks EXACTLY like me. This zombie isn't me. I know that's hard to believe.

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Series of Unrelated Thoughts

Do people honestly listen to Sting anymore? I saw a Facebook ad for Sting today. It made me wonder who in the Sting-marketing department thought, "This thumbnail photo of Sting might be an effective marketing tool for Generation X." Worse, it made me wonder which of my online activities made Facebook think that I am part of the Sting target market. "Craig liked The Three Musketeers in 1993. Sell him Sting until his eyes bleed." I feel like, at this point in time, if you haven't committed to listening to Sting, it's too late to start. I don't think too many 25 year-olds in 2011 think, "You know, it's about time I gave Sting a whirl."

Do you know how expensive Doritos are? I was recently shocked to find out that a bag of Doritos costs nearly $4. The average cost for a gallon of gas is $3.50. A gallon of Doritos is far beyond that. My advice: invest in Doritos. Not the company, I mean actually purchase a bag of Doritos and hide it under a floorboard in your house. In 20 years, you can turn that Doritos bag in for two Doritos bags. It's simple economics. By then we may be on the Doritos Standard anyway.

I am currently interning at the state Public Defender's office in Denver. One of my favorite television characters, Sandy Cohen (The OC), was a public defender. But my memory of that show depicts him practicing law whenever he chose to, and spending the rest of his time surfing or liesurely dealing with his wife's alcoholism. Alas, that isn't the case. I don't even have a wife.

I love watching Ancient Aliens. My favorite thing about Ancient Aliens is that they repeatedly interview the most credible-looking guy ever:

People see this man in interviews and they think, "reliable man of science." I will summarize some actual points this man has made: "That old statue looks like aliens." - "How do we know potholes weren't left by a giant alien car?" - "Egyptian Gods are dingo-headed aliens." - "That rock formation looks like an alien portal into another dimension..and consequently, that's exactly what it is." - "That ancient Pharoah had a funny head, because his father was an alien." - "Chinese dragons were alien spaceships." - "History is important...aliens."

Anyway, I'm going to make a noble effort to blog more often. I apologize for my recent blog-keeping failures.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Girl Power: Tough Girl Bands

Here's the meanest thing I said to someone today:

Craig: Excuse me, I'm looking for a humidifier. Do you know where I might look?
Terse Walmart Employee: We don't carry those during this season.
Craig: In the middle of the summer?
Terse Walmart Employee: We only carry them in the winter.
Craig: That's nonsense.

Turns out it was nonsense, because I eventually found one. Now when I sleep my body will finally be soaking wet! Every morning I wake up disappointed that I'm not completely drenched from head to foot, my sheets sopping. Problem solved.

Anyway, that isn't what this post is about. This post is about tough girl bands. You could call that last bit the opening act, if you wanted.

For about two years I've been into what I like to call "tough girl bands." Strong lady bands you could call them, if you wanted. Some are all women, some have mostly women, and some simply have a female lead singer. To have a female lead singer is my minimum requirement to be considered a tough girl band. But being a girl isn't all you need, you also have to be sort of tough. The following featured bands have differing levels of toughness. I think they're pretty tough.

Anyway, here you are:


Joan Jett and the Blackhearts:

Obviously, Joan Jett is a tough girl. She is sort of the Godmother of all other tough girls. I imagine the three other men in her band were also tough, because they are all wearing leather jackets in this photo. I can guarantee you that each person in this photo carries a dangerous knife.

Cherry Bomb -

I Hate Myself For Loving You -

Detroit Cobras:

The Detroit Cobras are who sparked my interest in tough girl bands. They have recorded only one original song and the rest of their tracks are covers. However, they've really toughened the songs up, and they've done a great job of taking ownership of their covers. They are also clearly very tough, and could probably break all your fingers. But they won't, because they're a band, not thugs.

I went to a Detroit Cobra show two weeks ago, and it was awesome. At this show I was attacked by a crazy girl to my left. Eventually this girl worked herself into such a frenzy that she slammed her forehead on the stage and had to leave. That's tough. Because I really like this band, I'm including more of their songs than the other tough girls. All their songs are pretty darn tough, even "It's Raining," which demonstrates that even tough girls have FEELINGS!

Shout Bama Lama -

Out Of This World -

Mean Man -

I Wanna Holler -

It's Raining -

Dream Bitches:

Despite their totally tough name, these gals are probably the least tough of the bunch. You can probably deduce that fact by their really sweet photo here. None of the people in that picture are prepared to choke someone out with a tirechain. Still, I'm giving them minor tough cred, mostly because they play guitars. So if these other hardcore ladies are too tough for you, maybe these gals are your thing. Meanwhile, stop being such a baby.

Bad Luck Bill -

Me And The Major -

Sahara Hotnights:

I had a really good time with this band in 2005. They've released two albums since then, but I think their first album is the toughest. Sure, they don't boast knife-fight levels of toughness, but they've been known to don black tank tops and leather jackets during a black-and-white photo shoot every now and again. That's tough. If you like your toughness cooked medium, then these gals are for you.

Hot Night Crash -

Who Do You Dance For -

Mind Over Matter -

Girl in a Coma:

These three strong ladies opened for the Detroit Cobras two weeks ago. If you question their toughness, you should know they were personally signed on the Blackhearts Records label by Joan Jett herself. The lead singer has some pretty fantastic facial expressions on stage, and she has a very, very impressive voice...especially in person. On top of that, I think these girls are tough enough that they might actually be able to seriously injure someone with a pool cue.

I found that they are even harder--aka tougher--in concert. They will play loud music right into your face until it explodes.

Come On, Let's Go -

Walkin' After Midnight -

Static Mind -

Shannon and the Clams:

My friend Bridger recently introduced me to Shannon and the Clams. True, there is only one woman in this band, but she is tough enough for all of us. I think they have a great thing going, and are near the high end of the toughness spectrum. They also make a lot of noise. They'd be quieter, or more carefully produced, but they're too tough to care about things like that.

You Will Always Bring Me Flowers -

The Woodsman -

The Fondas:

I have slightly mixed feelings about The Fondas. On one hand they sound sort of like the Detroit Cobras. On the other hand, they just aren't as tough. But you never know. Give them a few years out on the streets, and they could be tougher than me, even. However, I'm only sharing one song with you, because they have a little while to go before I think they reach maximum toughhood.

Make You Mine -


If you like Japanese women screaming into a microphone, then The's are perfect. Made famous thanks to their melodic "Woo Hoo" featured in Kill Bill and several commercials, I imagine many people immediately purchased their album only to find it was mostly women with very strong Japanese accents shrieking at you in English. The's aren't for everyone, but they don't care, because they're too tough. Or, in Japanese, they are totally タフ...pronounced "TOUGH!"

Jump, Jack, Jive -

I'm Blue -

The Sounds:

The Sounds are a bit more poppy than these other tough girls, which very nearly disqualified them from being pretty tough. Also, they've toured with some pretty un-tough people, which made me think twice about whether or not they were truly tough enough for this list. Tough ladies should be far too busy dying their hair jet black to hang out with people who aren't very tough. Still, in the end, I'm giving them a nod. I'm sure this kind of tough really goes over well in Scandinavian tough. Tough enough to wear wooden shoes.

Living In America -

Painted By Numbers -

Timi Yuro:

Sure, this music is old, but Timi Yuro likes to shout at people in her music. I think she's the only person in the world who has ever managed to make "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" sort of tough. Plus, she was born in 1940, when it wasn't as socially acceptable for women to be so freaking tough. She paved the way for tough women all over the place. Now everywhere you look there are tough women.

If I Never Get To Love You -

I Ain't Gonna Cry No More -

Let Me Call You Sweetheart -

Last, I wanted to stay away from music videos. However, this video of Timi Yuro singing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" is awesome, I think. It looks great. A classy video for a classy lady...a classy, tough lady. You can find it here. Be tough.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My Love/Hate Relationship With Business Casual

I don't have to wear a tie to work. That is excellent news, because I've recently come to grips with how much I hate wearing ties.

I have tons of ties. I just did a quick tie talley, and I currently own 45 ties. This is less than half of the ties I once owned, before I donated half (the uncouth half) to a consignment store. There are somewhere between 50 and 60 men wandering around wearing uncouth ties, and it's my fault!

I do like the ties I own, but I try my best to avoid wearing them. That's why I should be glad that the law firm I'm interning at has a "business casual" dress code. But I also sort of hate business casual clothing. Why can't we all go to work the way we were meant to work? Totally nude, and covered in goo! I was born that way, and that's the way I'll work full-time at a law firm! And yes, that's the way I plan to die: totally nude, and covered in goo.

Craig on His Deathbed: ...and that's how I French Kissed whomever I pleased. Now Craig Jr., fetch the nurse, and hand me that jar of goo.

The problem with business casual clothing is that I've never made it a huge priority to own any. I'm usually wearing business uptight clothes, totally casual clothes, or totally nude and covered in goo. (That joke sure hasn't overstayed it's welcome.) So when I look myself in the mirror after robing myself in business casual attire I often think, "frumpy," in contrast to "sharp," "hip," and "sort of gross" respectively. My business casual clothes pretty much consist of whatever clothes I've acquired whenever my parents hold up a bunch of striped button-up shirts that I've never seen before and ask, "Are these yours?"

But all this has CHANGED! Yesterday I bought myself two dazzling pairs of pants, and two dazzling shirts that are going to revolutionize the way I think about business casual clothes. I also finally bought myself brown shoes and a brown belt. Now I can look hip at work. Maybe even as hip as this lady:


Finally, I just image-Google searched: "MAN HOLDING CASH" and this is the first result -

Then I typed in: "HELL YEAH!" This is the first result -

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Killing Time at Gate 42C

There is something about showering very early in the morning that makes me feel like I'm about to be violently murdered. Especially when I am washing my hair and there is soap dripping down my face so I don't want to open my eyes. This is the opportune moment for any murderers who have remained concealed in my tiny bathroom to strike. I don't usually feel like I'm about to fall victim to showercide, but very early-morning showers are terrifying.

This morning, for example. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to make my way to the Denver Airport. I'm going home for the weekend for two weddings. I'm actually in the airport at this very moment, although I'm unsure if I'll finish much of anything before I have to board the plane. I have ten minutes to write something pretty exciting.

I actually really enjoy going to weddings. Plus, the fact that I'll be going to two weddings during a quick home visit makes it very efficient. I can't think of a better way to see more people from home in such a short period of time. However, talking to others about weddings has made me realize that my wedding experiences are pretty different from the way the world attends weddings. At my friend Lloyd's wedding, a very nosy photographer insisted that us groomsmen were expected to dance, party, and woo the bridesmaids. My wedding experiences usually consist of eating tiny turkey sandwiches. If it weren't for weddings, I would eat 33 percent fewer tiny turkey sandwiches.

Anyway, I had planned to sit down here in the terminal and play Pokemon Fire/Red on my computer. My current pokemon team consists of: Charmeleon, Clefairy, Pikachu, Pigeoto, Mankey, and Butterfree. Soon enough I'll be a Pokemon Champion, and my peers will finally respect me.

Speaking of peers, I started my internship on Tuesday. I'm having a swell time. Also, I finished my first year of law school. I'd have to say the best part about going to law school was when I watched Battlestar Galactica at the end of the semester. Battlestar Galactica is awesome, honestly.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The TV Lady Crush Olympics

This post is mostly about my television lady crushes, but it's also mostly about this song I made recently. It's called Big Ben, and you should listen to it. Then after you listen to it, you should go to my web site on PureVolume to hear some of my other songs that you can download for free. Do it. Then direct your friends to do it. If you don't make me a rock star, then who will?

Craig Blake - Big Ben

Now to the television lady crushes. There are a few gals on TV that have stolen chunks of my pure, golden, bleeding, teenage heart over the years. I've whittled down to three finalists. I have placed these three finalists into rankings. Here they are:

Bronze Medalist: Lana Lang, actressed by Kristin Kreuk (Smallville)

Once upon a time, Lana Lang was a gold medalist. That was before she played mercilessly with Clark Kent's superhuman yet fragile heart. You've got to give Clark Kent a break, Lana Lang. It's hard to have a television crush on Lana Lang, because she plays so hard to get. She is also easily upset. That's why I'm afraid the two of us will never really work out. It hurts so good.

Here is a video montage featuring Lana Lang. I want to point out that this video has been viewed nearly 45,000 times.

Here is what one of the viewers of this video had to say:

"she is amusing,really amusing girl!" - megimeg15

Silver Medalist: Charlotte "Chuck" Charles, actressed by Anna Friel (Pushing Daisies)

She's got spunk, she's got style, she loves Craig Blake. In this show, Chuck struggles with the conflict of falling in love with a pie maker and yet being unable to touch him, because of magic. This is similar to our situation, as we are also unable to have any contact because I'm a man who likes pie, and she is a fictional person. Watching this TV show will make me sigh like I am an 11-year old girl planning her wedding. Then, of course, I go about the other man-stuff I do. Because I'm a man. Chuck is very charming. I'm charmed.

Here is a swell scene where Chuck tries to find a way around the magic no-touching problem:

Here's what what viewer has to say about this video:

"GUYZ FROM A AMERICA, anna friel, english, and was on a UK daytime soap called brookside, she was a lesbian, and buried her father in the backyard, just a heads up since we english people new this incase some of u american did not" - GunnHFran

Gold Medalist: Anna Stern, actressed by Samaire Armstrong (The O.C.)

She's spunky, she's smart, she's a-little-too-hip. In The O.C., Anna Stern was supposed to be a one-episode character. Then the audience reaction was so positive that she became a regular character in Season 1. Then she moves back to Pittsburgh, and she ruins my life. She can give me a French Kiss any time she wants. My only fear is that maybe she'll never give me a French Kiss. This gal is one of the few people who can look great wearing a smock...or matter how ridiculous. I will now post the video of Anna Stern leaving me. If this doesn't break your heart, then your heart is an impenetrable, evil, black pile of slop.

Here is a thought from one viewer of this video:

"who am i gonna play jenga with" GoldenCowboy748

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A Survey + An Update

I haven't blogged for a month. There's only one way to come back from that kind of absence: filling out an Internet survey usually patronized by tweenage girls. But before I begin, I think maybe some of you forgot what Craig stands for during my leave. Craig stands for:

Being a champion
Stopping a disease
Doing push-ups
Winning games
Being a winner
Doing well in challenges
Watching Survivor

May you never forget what I'm all about. And to that end, here is a survey about me:

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say? - So I have a uterus?

2. Do you trust all of your friends? - Of course I do! So long as they don't double-cross me! I'm constantly vigilant, because I'm positive my friends will double-cross me!

3. Have two guys ever fought over you? - I always feel like I'm the prettiest girl at the dance.

4. Have you ever done yourself VERY pretty with so much makeup and a whole different outfit to make a guy like you? - I feel like you're gazing directly into my soul!

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now? I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to. I just have to follow my heart and reach for me dreams.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor? - Probably Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love? - No, I'm a grown man.

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? - Probably Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

9. Whats your most favorite scar? - It's a scar on my shin located on my most favorite leg, where I fell on my most favorite bike and my shin was stabbed by my handlebrake.

10. When was the last time you flew in a plane? - I travel exclusively by ultralight. I like to feel the wind in my hair, and in my face.

Here's an example of flying an ultralight by a man who has designs on the governorship of Utah:

11. What did the last text message you sent say? - "Swell. Sounds good. Keep me posted if you need help." - I'm Hell on wheels!

12. Fill in the blank. I love: Tacos

13. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future? - Mostly just to be the winner of the Olympics.

14. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call? - Mel Gibson: "Is my fiance still alive!?"

15. How many kids do you want to have? - I'll need at least 8 to be on TV.

16. Would you make a good parent? - I'd be the best dad ever. I'm a man.

17. Whats your middle name? - Barlow. Just one of the things I share with polygamists all over the country. - In other news, I truly am pretty fond of my midle name.

18. Would you move to another state or country to be with the person you love? - Is she Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman?

19. Honestly, whats on your mind right now? - Karaoke. I'd like to do some karaoke sometime soon.

20. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? - I'd go back in time and help my dad beat up a bully. That way I'd own a cool truck in the future.

21. What are you wearing right now? - Just a silly old leopard-print, french-cut thong.

22. Ever had a bar fight? Of course I have. I'm a real man. Sometimes I'm doing sit-ups, and sometimes I'm fighting in bars. That's what men do.

23. Who knows you're the best? - This survey is making great strides in improving my self-esteem.

24. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? - I wear glasses. I wore contacts once, but they were giant, hard lenses. They made my eyes feel like burning death.

25. When is the last time you had a massage? - Not since I moved to Denver, and I've never had a real massage by a real therapist. However, I do often encourage people to give me a scalp massage. Example:

Craig: Hey, want to rub my head?
Man on Bus: Not really.

26. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say? - "But we've only known each other for...wait a minute!"

And that concludes the survey portion of this blog. In other news, I'll give you a quick recap on what I've been up to for a month:

1. I played Dragon Age and beat it yesterday. When I tell people I recently beat a game called "Dragon Age" it makes me feel very cool and attractive.
2. I got a haircut. The lady cut it a bit to close to my ears and it made me feel a little bit like I looked like a young, 13th century friar. On the other hand I have gotten a few nice compliments on my new shorter style, which could very easily be 100% motivated by sympathy.
3. I went to Barristers Ball. I literally danced myself sick, and there were moments I had to leave the dance floor, sit down, and begin deep-breathing to prevent producing an embarrassing mess. I also danced so hard that my pants ripped at the end of the night and I had to leave 20 minutes early. I had a really excellent time.
4. I celebrated my first real St. Patrick's Day. Once again, there was dancing. I danced very furiously. There was tons of kicking involved. I discovered that I react pretty energetically to Irish music.
5. I applied for some internships in Denver. The word is still out on whether or not I got them. Let's all feel good feelings. Feel what you have to feel.

And that's it basically. My diet has deteriorated to purely pot pies, Totinos pizzas, cold cereal, and Fruit Rollups. Feel free to give me suggestions. In closing, here is a picture of Barristers Ball:

Monday, February 21, 2011

My Recent Linguistic Habits

I just got home from a successful, but long and tiring day of snowboarding at Keystone, and I plan on spending the next hour in the fetal position in the shower crying and looking at pictures of me as a baby. That might be the only thing that can recharge my tired, tired body. I am a tired boy.

Since I wrote my dating tips blog, I have recieved some question on whether or not Craig himself has a lady crush, on some lady. As you may know, I swore to honor the namesake of Valentine's Day, an early Christian martyr, by putting my tongue in someone else's mouth on that special holiday. I unfortunately failed to live up to my promise, and I imagine St. Valentine himself was rolling in his grave. If there is anything this particular saint cares about, it's that people French Kiss one another every now and again. I looked French Kissing up, and according to Wikipedia, it generally means, "Getting up in some lady's face."

Which brings me to the topic of the day. Lately I've been using the term "French Kiss" fairly often. In my history, I've occasionally come across phrases that I cannot get myself to stop using. So if you are tired of me talking about French Kissing, I want you to know that I'm currently helpless, but sooner or later I believe it will pass like many phrases before it. Now, let's take a look back at some of the things Craig has enjoyed saying, and sometimes still enjoys saying:

"French Kiss"

"Give me a French Kiss!" - Said in the voice of a large woman who I imagine I'm in an abusive relationship with.

"Make me a sandwich." - Ditto. I imagine this abusive woman will desperately want Sandwiches as well.

"Karl Malone Hammer Dunk!"

"Karl Malone could rip off your arms."


"You guys have a lot of growing up to do."

"Be an adult."

"That's a really cool thing that you're doing."

"I'm a man."

And that is all the phrases I can currently think of, except for two that I'm not sharing, because I see no signs of them ever going away. Anyway, feel free to share something you say quite often. Or just get about your life.

Final Note:

Finally, I made a song a month or so back that I never shared on my blog for some reason. I like it. Why shouldn't you like it? Give it a listen:

Craig Blake - Gentleman's Game

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Beginners Lesson on Dating

If you knew anything about dating, then you'd already be French Kissing anyone you please. But since that isn't the case you sorry frenchkissless failure, believe me, you're going to need MY help. If you knew dating like I know dating, then your brain would implode and make a gross mess. Pray you never know as much as I know.

As we all know, dating is so you can French Kiss people whenever you want. That's what I learned in 7th grade, and it's no less true today, now that I'm in the 17th grade. Now that you are somewhere between the ages of 20- and 55-years old, you too have probably just recently entered the magical world of dating! This can be a time of great uncertainty and anxiety. Well don't fret, because if you do, you'll probably be desolate and alone for the rest of your wretched life. No one likes a worry wart. Get a clue, you big dumb worry wart.

But dating can also be a lot of fun, like going to an arcade or sitting in a Go-Cart. I especially like the Go-Cart comparison.

Now before you go out there on your own, you're going to want to know some tricks of the trade. Women love tricks, and if you don't know any tricks, then you can't be a good date for a woman. At the end of past unsatisfying dates, women might have asked you, "Have you no tricks?" Here's the secret: women want to be wooed with secret tricks that you can usually only learn in popular magazines. Well here they are gentleman. Here are the exact tricks that woman was talking about! Also, women, if you want to date a man, he likes tricks too. He might not say it out loud, because he was lifting weights, but he craves tricks! These tricks are totally unisex.

1. Make Physical Contact - If you want to make an impression, you have to make physical contact. I'm surprised you never thought about that before. If you want to make a very strong impression, you should put your hand on your date's upper, inner thigh and SQUEEZE! Believe me, whoever your date is will not expect it and every nerve in their body will fly into panic mode, and they might completely spazz out. Then you have them exactly where you want them to give them a French Kiss. Here's the secret: women want men who are spontaneous and grabby, and nothing is more spontaneous than a surpising and unexpected hand enthusiastically squeezing their upper inner thigh. LADY KILLER!

2. Do a Magic Trick - Didn't I tell you once that women love tricks? Why don't you pay attention?! On top of just regular tricks you can do, women want to see you do a magic trick. This is because women want men who know how to do magic, like a wizard for example. If you can't do any magic then women will know you can't protect them. This is also why you should always carry a gun in your pocket, to attract beautiful women. Beautiful women will know they are safe with you if they notice a semi-concealed weapon sticking out of your pants. But back to magic. If you can't pull a quarter out of her ear, then how will you ever make a baby? Women want tons of babies. Here's a video about doing magic tricks so you can finally grow up and get a clue:

3. Make Eye Contact - If you want to get a woman to give you a French Kiss, then you should stare at her face. If you stare at a woman right in the face long enough, she'll think, "Ah, that man likes me." Nothing breaks the ice quite like an intense, wide-eyed stare at a stranger from across a room. An extended stare combined with the gun stashed in your pants will cause a woman to think, "That man wants a French Kiss, and he's prepared to fight for his woooman." Women want a man who will fight for her, like at a bar in a drunken fit. If you get in a drunken fight with someone at a bar, you will probably get a pretty girlfriend.

4. Flirt - Have you tried flirting with a woman? You should try flirting with a woman you big, dateless fool. You'll get a date if you flirt with a woman.

5. Just watch these movies - If you watch these two movies about dating, you'll probably get tons of dates. Now go out there and be a man, like me.

The Art of Meeting Men

Insightful Movie Quotes:

"Some women in my workshop say they've even gone so far as to spill their drink on a man they want to meet and get his phone number by promising to pay for his dry cleaning. But avoid spilling red wine, because you don't want him to remember you for the wrong reasons."

"Get into sync with him by nodding in agreement with what he's saying."

"I suggest you let him know that it really turns you on when a man talks about his feelings."

Video Dating

Insightful Movie Quotes:

"I don't know, what I'm not looking for is some big, overgrown monster whose always thinking about food."

"Hi, my name is Monroe. You've probably already noticed that I have incredibly blue eyes."

"I enjoy having fun, yes."

"I steal watches."

"Fire-breathing dragons."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Since I've been back in Denver I have found a pretty large number of distractions that have put my life in a self-destructive, anti-social spiral. Last semester I spent a fair amount of time out and about. This semester I have found several reasons to stay safely in my apartment for hours upon hours. Let's discuss them:

1. LOST: First and foremost, I have a serious problem watching LOST. I cannot imagine going through the agony of watching this television show without having every episode immediately available on DVD. If I didn't have the choice to immediately watch the next episode of LOST whenever I want, I might be in actual, physical pain. Even though I can watch it at any pace I like, I'm still in severe emotional pain. The constantly procrastinated, and unsatisfied curiosity this TV show generates has almost definitely left me with permanant emotional trauma, kind of like what happens when mother's don't hold their babies. Watching LOST is like never being held as a baby.

I still love it, it's just ruining my life. I am currently on Season 5, Episode 14, so the pain is almost over. I'll soon be left with just the satisfaction of having finished LOST and the insatiable need for someone to hold me.

2. Pokemon Emerald: Lately I've played a little Pokemon, on Gameboy. I'm an adult. I know this isn't really socially acceptable anymore, but it's time you faced the fact that Pokemon is a great idea, and it was a fantastic video game. I'm an adult.

I'm just happy someone has finally brought Cockfighting to the masses. There was a time when only a rare few were able to understand the joys of entering a treasured pet into a ring fight for cash. Now we can all know that kind satisfaction.

This began during Christmas Break in Salt Lake City during the two-day period where I had nothing to do. I figured I'd give Pokemon another whirl. Unfortunately, once I returned to Denver, I couldn't stop completely until I finished. Luckily, today I finished. Pokemon can now rest easy knowing I will no longer be wandering through tall grass to beat the Hell out of them.

3. New Music: In the past few days I've gone on a bit of a music search. I've especially been looking for tough girl music, like the Detroit Cobras. In fact, I plan to have a upcoming blog post feature some of the swell tough girl music I've discovered. Until then, here is some of the tough guy music I've found. Be a man and listen to them.

Black Lips - Bad Kids

Black Lips - Drugs

Mister Heavenly - Mister Heavenly

Mister Heavenly - Pineapple Girl

(If you'd like to download the Mister Heavenly songs for free, go here.)

4. This is not a distraction, this is about a video I just saw. This video is about a place where there are tons of rare, white deer. The first thing I thought was that someone needs to tell the children from the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. Have at those white stags, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm Immune to Low LOST Expectations

Despite the fact that I'm supposed to be very busy with school, I spent roughly five hours watching LOST today. I'm about six episodes into the second season, and about six years behind everyone in the world. However, if anyone ruins anything for me, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I have been carefully avoiding LOST discussions for more than half a decade just in case I ever decided to watch LOST. This is a very difficult thing to do. People love talking about LOST. Between 2004 and 2010, people wanted to talk about LOST all the time. Just imagine how difficult 2004 to 2010 was for me.

Also, before someone says, "You'll love the first season, but then it goes crazy!" I don't think many people understand the brand loyalty I am capable of. For example, I loved Heroes. Heroes got very, very bad. But I never missed a single episode of Heroes. I loved The OC. Season Four of The OC is pretty unbearable, and I not only watched every episode of Season Four, I bought Season Four. It is people like me that allow bad TV shows to get just enough ratings to continue torturing people like me. I once wrote Santitas a hand-written letter telling them I liked their white corn tortilla chips. Two years later, I called them to let them know I still like their white corn tortilla chips. I care about Santitas.

However, I'm optimistic that LOST isn't going to do disappoint me like The OC or Heroes. Although some people seem to think that it got out of control, those people probably don't understand what I'm willing to tolerate and enjoy. Here are some bad things I have enjoyed in the past:

1. Alien v. Predator - This is one of the worst movies I've ever enjoyed. There are at least a dozen scenes in this movie where I thought the heroine and the Predator were about to share a sweet, soft French Kiss. There is eventually a scene where the Predator gives the woman an alien head to use as a shield, which as we all know means "I French Kiss You" on the Predator's home planet, so we still got what we wanted.

2. Hell Boy 2 - This movie has some of the worst dialogue and characters I've ever heard or seen. Whoever played that fish man should never be able to remove his costume as punishment for his terrible delivery. Cursed to walk the earth a hideous, bumbling fish man. If I was a wizard, that is the curse I would use the most: "I curse you, to walk the earth forever as a hideous, bumbling fish man!"

3. Yu-Gi-Oh! - When I was in high school I would get home from track practice, sit down on the couch, and turn on the TV at the exact moment that Yu-Gi-Oh! started. Yu-Gi-Oh! was a cartoon about a small fellow, who is somehow possessed by an Egyptian that looks exactly like him, except he is taller, speaks about three octaves lower, and is excellent at a card game. He goes around winning this card game. At the time I thought it was Pokemon for big kids. Now I realize it was actually Pokemon for the exact same demographic as Pokemon.

And finally, I'm going to go so far as to say that I don't think LOST will get bad. So far, six episodes into Season Two, I'm having an excellent time. Also, I feel like many peoples' main complaint is that it got too "science-fictiony." That will absolutely not stop me. If I turn on the next episode tomorrow and the cast find a stash of laser guns and Unicorns inside a spaceship from Krypton, that will only make me more excited about LOST: "First Polar Bears...and now a Kryptonian laser gun/Unicorn stash...the plot thickens!" You are talking to the guy who read the Tolkien Dictionary entry by entry in 7th grade (and has since done tons of really cool things, like wear sunglasses.) There is almost nothing science-fictiony that I can't digest.

Fairly often, when I tell someone I'm watching LOST, they try to persuade me to lower my expectations. I'm not going to do it, and you can't make me.

Final Note: I love Oregon Trail. I can prove it; just review my Oregon Trail Travel Journal. If you've ever played Oregon Trail, I think you should like this video my friend Will brought to my attention:

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Back to School and Resolutions

Today was my second day back at school, and each class felt like it was 127 hours long, minus the one where we discussed cannibalism exclusively. Sometimes I think people take for granted the opportunity to sever a limb to escape a boring place, namely Foxes. Foxes have no appreciation for their ability to gnaw off their own paws, which routinely rescues them from sitting around totally bored somewhere.

If I thought I could have been excused early, there was a one hour-stretch today where I might have gnawed off every single one of my limbs. It wasn't a class, it was a meeting with free, crappy pizza. I sat all the way through it, but I would have sooner gnawed off all my appendages and rolled into the hallway. But knowing this guy, he probably still would have left me in my seat, bleeding from my gnaw wounds while he talked at me...very...very...slowly...and then paused...and then paused more...and then took a sip of water...and then talked at me...very...very...slowly. Ultimately I didn't take this course of action, and I still have all my limbs today.

Anyway, I am now back in school, which means I'm going to have to re-teach myself how I'm supposed to go about my life when I'm not sleeping in until 10:30 am to 2:30 pm every day. I had a really excellent break, and I spent a good deal of it lying on the Queen Bed in my parent's guest room. A bed fit for a queen.

Meanwhile, I set some New Year's Resolutions for myself. Only one of these were actually premeditated before New Year's Eve, but I've still constructed a short list. Here you are:

1. Go to More Shows (Music) - One of the things people would tell me when I moved to Denver is that it has an excellent music scene. It's true, it does, and I have wasted it for months. This year I'm going to make a noble effort to see more shows, and to be more informed on who exactly is coming through Denver. And I'm going to do all these things without so much as a pair of really tight pants.

2. French Kiss Tunz - I'm going to French Kiss like wild. Not that this has ever been a problem in my life, but if you're a girl, I'm probably going to French Kiss you right on the face all the time. I like your chances.

3. Be an Astronaut - Since I'm bound to fail on at least one New Year's Resolution, I've resolved to be an Astronaut this year. Basically, I'm going to spend some time travelling in space with NASA. There is a huge demand for Astronauts these days, and NASA needs my skills in outer space--skills like navigating an inflatable obstacle course.

4. Update This Blog - I want everyone to know I resolved to post on this blog once a week last year. I'm happy to say I fell short of that goal by only two posts. That is absolutely incredible. I'm an absolutely incredible person for getting this close. Just imagine how much more incredible I could be this year. Unfortunately, I'm in law school this year, basically the entire time, so I hope it doesn't affect the blogging too much.

Editor's Note: The picture above about eating more healthy isn't really true. I'm currently planning on eating way more pot pies than I ate in 2010, but we'll see how it pans out for me.