Monday, February 21, 2011

My Recent Linguistic Habits

I just got home from a successful, but long and tiring day of snowboarding at Keystone, and I plan on spending the next hour in the fetal position in the shower crying and looking at pictures of me as a baby. That might be the only thing that can recharge my tired, tired body. I am a tired boy.

Since I wrote my dating tips blog, I have recieved some question on whether or not Craig himself has a lady crush, on some lady. As you may know, I swore to honor the namesake of Valentine's Day, an early Christian martyr, by putting my tongue in someone else's mouth on that special holiday. I unfortunately failed to live up to my promise, and I imagine St. Valentine himself was rolling in his grave. If there is anything this particular saint cares about, it's that people French Kiss one another every now and again. I looked French Kissing up, and according to Wikipedia, it generally means, "Getting up in some lady's face."

Which brings me to the topic of the day. Lately I've been using the term "French Kiss" fairly often. In my history, I've occasionally come across phrases that I cannot get myself to stop using. So if you are tired of me talking about French Kissing, I want you to know that I'm currently helpless, but sooner or later I believe it will pass like many phrases before it. Now, let's take a look back at some of the things Craig has enjoyed saying, and sometimes still enjoys saying:

"French Kiss"

"Give me a French Kiss!" - Said in the voice of a large woman who I imagine I'm in an abusive relationship with.

"Make me a sandwich." - Ditto. I imagine this abusive woman will desperately want Sandwiches as well.

"Karl Malone Hammer Dunk!"

"Karl Malone could rip off your arms."


"You guys have a lot of growing up to do."

"Be an adult."

"That's a really cool thing that you're doing."

"I'm a man."

And that is all the phrases I can currently think of, except for two that I'm not sharing, because I see no signs of them ever going away. Anyway, feel free to share something you say quite often. Or just get about your life.

Final Note:

Finally, I made a song a month or so back that I never shared on my blog for some reason. I like it. Why shouldn't you like it? Give it a listen:

Craig Blake - Gentleman's Game

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Beginners Lesson on Dating

If you knew anything about dating, then you'd already be French Kissing anyone you please. But since that isn't the case you sorry frenchkissless failure, believe me, you're going to need MY help. If you knew dating like I know dating, then your brain would implode and make a gross mess. Pray you never know as much as I know.

As we all know, dating is so you can French Kiss people whenever you want. That's what I learned in 7th grade, and it's no less true today, now that I'm in the 17th grade. Now that you are somewhere between the ages of 20- and 55-years old, you too have probably just recently entered the magical world of dating! This can be a time of great uncertainty and anxiety. Well don't fret, because if you do, you'll probably be desolate and alone for the rest of your wretched life. No one likes a worry wart. Get a clue, you big dumb worry wart.

But dating can also be a lot of fun, like going to an arcade or sitting in a Go-Cart. I especially like the Go-Cart comparison.

Now before you go out there on your own, you're going to want to know some tricks of the trade. Women love tricks, and if you don't know any tricks, then you can't be a good date for a woman. At the end of past unsatisfying dates, women might have asked you, "Have you no tricks?" Here's the secret: women want to be wooed with secret tricks that you can usually only learn in popular magazines. Well here they are gentleman. Here are the exact tricks that woman was talking about! Also, women, if you want to date a man, he likes tricks too. He might not say it out loud, because he was lifting weights, but he craves tricks! These tricks are totally unisex.

1. Make Physical Contact - If you want to make an impression, you have to make physical contact. I'm surprised you never thought about that before. If you want to make a very strong impression, you should put your hand on your date's upper, inner thigh and SQUEEZE! Believe me, whoever your date is will not expect it and every nerve in their body will fly into panic mode, and they might completely spazz out. Then you have them exactly where you want them to give them a French Kiss. Here's the secret: women want men who are spontaneous and grabby, and nothing is more spontaneous than a surpising and unexpected hand enthusiastically squeezing their upper inner thigh. LADY KILLER!

2. Do a Magic Trick - Didn't I tell you once that women love tricks? Why don't you pay attention?! On top of just regular tricks you can do, women want to see you do a magic trick. This is because women want men who know how to do magic, like a wizard for example. If you can't do any magic then women will know you can't protect them. This is also why you should always carry a gun in your pocket, to attract beautiful women. Beautiful women will know they are safe with you if they notice a semi-concealed weapon sticking out of your pants. But back to magic. If you can't pull a quarter out of her ear, then how will you ever make a baby? Women want tons of babies. Here's a video about doing magic tricks so you can finally grow up and get a clue:

3. Make Eye Contact - If you want to get a woman to give you a French Kiss, then you should stare at her face. If you stare at a woman right in the face long enough, she'll think, "Ah, that man likes me." Nothing breaks the ice quite like an intense, wide-eyed stare at a stranger from across a room. An extended stare combined with the gun stashed in your pants will cause a woman to think, "That man wants a French Kiss, and he's prepared to fight for his woooman." Women want a man who will fight for her, like at a bar in a drunken fit. If you get in a drunken fight with someone at a bar, you will probably get a pretty girlfriend.

4. Flirt - Have you tried flirting with a woman? You should try flirting with a woman you big, dateless fool. You'll get a date if you flirt with a woman.

5. Just watch these movies - If you watch these two movies about dating, you'll probably get tons of dates. Now go out there and be a man, like me.

The Art of Meeting Men

Insightful Movie Quotes:

"Some women in my workshop say they've even gone so far as to spill their drink on a man they want to meet and get his phone number by promising to pay for his dry cleaning. But avoid spilling red wine, because you don't want him to remember you for the wrong reasons."

"Get into sync with him by nodding in agreement with what he's saying."

"I suggest you let him know that it really turns you on when a man talks about his feelings."

Video Dating

Insightful Movie Quotes:

"I don't know, what I'm not looking for is some big, overgrown monster whose always thinking about food."

"Hi, my name is Monroe. You've probably already noticed that I have incredibly blue eyes."

"I enjoy having fun, yes."

"I steal watches."

"Fire-breathing dragons."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Since I've been back in Denver I have found a pretty large number of distractions that have put my life in a self-destructive, anti-social spiral. Last semester I spent a fair amount of time out and about. This semester I have found several reasons to stay safely in my apartment for hours upon hours. Let's discuss them:

1. LOST: First and foremost, I have a serious problem watching LOST. I cannot imagine going through the agony of watching this television show without having every episode immediately available on DVD. If I didn't have the choice to immediately watch the next episode of LOST whenever I want, I might be in actual, physical pain. Even though I can watch it at any pace I like, I'm still in severe emotional pain. The constantly procrastinated, and unsatisfied curiosity this TV show generates has almost definitely left me with permanant emotional trauma, kind of like what happens when mother's don't hold their babies. Watching LOST is like never being held as a baby.

I still love it, it's just ruining my life. I am currently on Season 5, Episode 14, so the pain is almost over. I'll soon be left with just the satisfaction of having finished LOST and the insatiable need for someone to hold me.

2. Pokemon Emerald: Lately I've played a little Pokemon, on Gameboy. I'm an adult. I know this isn't really socially acceptable anymore, but it's time you faced the fact that Pokemon is a great idea, and it was a fantastic video game. I'm an adult.

I'm just happy someone has finally brought Cockfighting to the masses. There was a time when only a rare few were able to understand the joys of entering a treasured pet into a ring fight for cash. Now we can all know that kind satisfaction.

This began during Christmas Break in Salt Lake City during the two-day period where I had nothing to do. I figured I'd give Pokemon another whirl. Unfortunately, once I returned to Denver, I couldn't stop completely until I finished. Luckily, today I finished. Pokemon can now rest easy knowing I will no longer be wandering through tall grass to beat the Hell out of them.

3. New Music: In the past few days I've gone on a bit of a music search. I've especially been looking for tough girl music, like the Detroit Cobras. In fact, I plan to have a upcoming blog post feature some of the swell tough girl music I've discovered. Until then, here is some of the tough guy music I've found. Be a man and listen to them.

Black Lips - Bad Kids

Black Lips - Drugs

Mister Heavenly - Mister Heavenly

Mister Heavenly - Pineapple Girl

(If you'd like to download the Mister Heavenly songs for free, go here.)

4. This is not a distraction, this is about a video I just saw. This video is about a place where there are tons of rare, white deer. The first thing I thought was that someone needs to tell the children from the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. Have at those white stags, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve!