Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Beginners Lesson on Dating

If you knew anything about dating, then you'd already be French Kissing anyone you please. But since that isn't the case you sorry frenchkissless failure, believe me, you're going to need MY help. If you knew dating like I know dating, then your brain would implode and make a gross mess. Pray you never know as much as I know.

As we all know, dating is so you can French Kiss people whenever you want. That's what I learned in 7th grade, and it's no less true today, now that I'm in the 17th grade. Now that you are somewhere between the ages of 20- and 55-years old, you too have probably just recently entered the magical world of dating! This can be a time of great uncertainty and anxiety. Well don't fret, because if you do, you'll probably be desolate and alone for the rest of your wretched life. No one likes a worry wart. Get a clue, you big dumb worry wart.

But dating can also be a lot of fun, like going to an arcade or sitting in a Go-Cart. I especially like the Go-Cart comparison.

Now before you go out there on your own, you're going to want to know some tricks of the trade. Women love tricks, and if you don't know any tricks, then you can't be a good date for a woman. At the end of past unsatisfying dates, women might have asked you, "Have you no tricks?" Here's the secret: women want to be wooed with secret tricks that you can usually only learn in popular magazines. Well here they are gentleman. Here are the exact tricks that woman was talking about! Also, women, if you want to date a man, he likes tricks too. He might not say it out loud, because he was lifting weights, but he craves tricks! These tricks are totally unisex.

1. Make Physical Contact - If you want to make an impression, you have to make physical contact. I'm surprised you never thought about that before. If you want to make a very strong impression, you should put your hand on your date's upper, inner thigh and SQUEEZE! Believe me, whoever your date is will not expect it and every nerve in their body will fly into panic mode, and they might completely spazz out. Then you have them exactly where you want them to give them a French Kiss. Here's the secret: women want men who are spontaneous and grabby, and nothing is more spontaneous than a surpising and unexpected hand enthusiastically squeezing their upper inner thigh. LADY KILLER!

2. Do a Magic Trick - Didn't I tell you once that women love tricks? Why don't you pay attention?! On top of just regular tricks you can do, women want to see you do a magic trick. This is because women want men who know how to do magic, like a wizard for example. If you can't do any magic then women will know you can't protect them. This is also why you should always carry a gun in your pocket, to attract beautiful women. Beautiful women will know they are safe with you if they notice a semi-concealed weapon sticking out of your pants. But back to magic. If you can't pull a quarter out of her ear, then how will you ever make a baby? Women want tons of babies. Here's a video about doing magic tricks so you can finally grow up and get a clue:

3. Make Eye Contact - If you want to get a woman to give you a French Kiss, then you should stare at her face. If you stare at a woman right in the face long enough, she'll think, "Ah, that man likes me." Nothing breaks the ice quite like an intense, wide-eyed stare at a stranger from across a room. An extended stare combined with the gun stashed in your pants will cause a woman to think, "That man wants a French Kiss, and he's prepared to fight for his woooman." Women want a man who will fight for her, like at a bar in a drunken fit. If you get in a drunken fight with someone at a bar, you will probably get a pretty girlfriend.

4. Flirt - Have you tried flirting with a woman? You should try flirting with a woman you big, dateless fool. You'll get a date if you flirt with a woman.

5. Just watch these movies - If you watch these two movies about dating, you'll probably get tons of dates. Now go out there and be a man, like me.

The Art of Meeting Men

Insightful Movie Quotes:

"Some women in my workshop say they've even gone so far as to spill their drink on a man they want to meet and get his phone number by promising to pay for his dry cleaning. But avoid spilling red wine, because you don't want him to remember you for the wrong reasons."

"Get into sync with him by nodding in agreement with what he's saying."

"I suggest you let him know that it really turns you on when a man talks about his feelings."

Video Dating

Insightful Movie Quotes:

"I don't know, what I'm not looking for is some big, overgrown monster whose always thinking about food."

"Hi, my name is Monroe. You've probably already noticed that I have incredibly blue eyes."

"I enjoy having fun, yes."

"I steal watches."

"Fire-breathing dragons."


jaime said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Seriously kid, where do you find this stuff?!? How would you even know those videos existed out there? I had no idea that 80% of men have been shy at some point in their lives! That's a lot! We really must do something about those statistics. I bet if they followed your steps and started french kissing that percentage would go down drastically.

joN. said...

I was laughing pretty hard at all those guys in the dating service videos until I realized that they're all more interesting than I am.

heidikins said...

I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing long enough to read anything past the first paragraph. So. Freaking. Awesome.


Andrea Jolene said...

No fattys.

Phil Walker said...

I'm super glad you wrote this post. As you, and probably everyone else knows, I'm pretty desperate for some French Kissing right now. Hopefully this will help me satisfy that urge before I start French Kissing every living thing is sight.

Unstoppable Lindsey said...

Don't forget....a girl loves to be lead to and from places when a guy's hand is on the small of her back. But she will NOT French kiss you if you hand goes any least on the first date...that is a fact!

Bridger W. said...

Excellent blog, Craig. I can't wait to apply some of this advice in my own life and win a gorgeous lady of my own!