Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Papa's in the House

Last night I watched the Republican debate televised from Las Vegas. I think debates are pretty interesting, so I've watched all of them. I will not betray the trust the Boy Scouts of America vested in me when I was awarded the Citizenship in the Nation merit badge. This is also why I remain committed to sharing Indian Lore with strangers. My grasp of Indian Lore peaks somewhere around: "American Indians glue beads to turkey feathers."

As I watched the debate, I decided we should just let Herman Cain be president and make a blanket decision that all American presidents must also be pizza executives. Imagine the mileage we could get out of this guy:



A friend of mine recently pointed out that Papa John never blinks in commercials. And the two qualities I value most in presidential candidates are (1) pizza experience, and (2) lidless eyes.

Plus, this Papa John's commercial could easily be aired as a campaign video at little to no cost:



Substitute "Papa's in the house" with "Papa's in the White House" and this is exactly what an American public that craves pizza-related experience wants in a candidate.

I am dying for the day when the most important qualification for president isn't whether or not you've worked in the private sector, been a governor, opposed the incumbent president, or maintained an admirable voting record, but whether or not you've ever worked in pizza.

I dream of a day when this is a common concern for candidates: "What do you say to allegations that you don't own a pizza company?"

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Pants, Songs, and Zombies

Every once in a while a grown man has to take off his pants and play Super Nintendo in his apartment. I've decided pants can be a bit constricting, and so sometimes I don't wear them when I'm alone in my apartment. Also, I sometimes play Super Nintendo in this pantsless condition, because I'm an adult.

This becomes sort of weird, (because it wasn't before), whenever someone knocks on my door and I have to yell "just a minute" while I put my pants back on. It's even weirder if I have to admit, "yes, I just now put on pants." But no more. Next time I slowly answer my door and you think, "he just barely put on pants," don't be upset because I'm living the dream and you aren't.

But that's not the main thing I wanted to talk about. I recently made a song, and I think you should go ahead and listen to it. I recommend listening to it with headphones at a reasonably high volume. Here it is:
Get Frantic by craigblake

If you'd like to download this song for free, or listen to and download other songs I've made, feel free to visit this website. Both our dreams are about to come true.

Last, I had an argument today with a certain Brad about whether the zombies in the 2007 Will Smith zombie-thriller, I Am Legend, are zombies or vampires.

Brad's View: They are vampires.
Craig's View: They are crappy-looking zombies.

I think we both had some good points there, but I will summarize a few more by copy and pasting portions of our chat:

PRECURSOR TO DEBATE!

11:00 AM Bradley: Can u imagine a tiger zombie?
11:01 AM me: That is too awesome for me to imagine.

EARLY IN THE DEBATE!

11:05 AM Bradley: : "Amazon.com Review. One of the most influential vampire novels of the 20th century, I Am Legend regularly appears on the "10 Best" lists of numerous critical studies of the horror genre. Vampires. I rest my case."
11:06 AM me: "That's nonsense. Amazon.com reviews are written by criminals and sexual degenerates."

A FEW MINUTES LATER!

11:08 AM Bradley: "I think that would make them more ghouls, not zombies. If you are thinking of something such as night of the living dead.
11:09 AM me: "Night of the Living Dead is no ghoul movie! That's crazy talk. It's totally a zombie movie. There is no such thing as a 'Ghoul Movie.'"

A FEW MORE MINUTES LATER!

11:16 AM me: "Well, either way, in the movie, they are totally zombies. They're just crappy, over-produced zombies."
11:16 AM Bradley: "I disagree. I just Googled it. Apparently it is quite a discussion."
11:17 AM me: "I will not yield. I will not waver."
11:18 AM Bradley: "Haha. I just broke my pen out of anger."

Anyway, I think you can tell we won't be resolving this issue today. Meanwhile, here are two zombie movies I've seen that maybe you haven't. Considering it's nearly Halloween, maybe you should:

Black Sheep
- I'm not exactly sure whether I should call this a "zombie sheep" or "weresheep" movie, but it was first introduced to me as a "zombie sheep" movie. So I'm going to stick with that. Want to see a sheep drive a truck? This movie is for you. Here is the trailer:


Dead Snow - This is a movie about Nazi Zombies, which is a difficult combination to beat. Also, this movie features zombies that occasionally pop directly out of the ground with no explanation on how they strategically burrowed to that position. And that is something special. Here is that trailer:


Final Note: Every time I discuss zombies, I think it's important to post this popular picture of a zombie that looks EXACTLY like me. This zombie isn't me. I know that's hard to believe.