Coattail 83, Now Boarding

Papa's in the House

2011-10-19T22:47:00.008-06:00

Last night I watched the Republican debate televised from Las Vegas. I think debates are pretty interesting, so I've watched all of them. I will not betray the trust the Boy Scouts of America vested in me when I was awarded the Citizenship in the Nation merit badge. This is also why I remain committed to sharing Indian Lore with strangers. My grasp of Indian Lore peaks somewhere around: "American Indians glue beads to turkey feathers."

As I watched the debate, I decided we should just let Herman Cain be president and make a blanket decision that all American presidents must also be pizza executives. Imagine the mileage we could get out of this guy:

A friend of mine recently pointed out that Papa John never blinks in commercials. And the two qualities I value most in presidential candidates are (1) pizza experience, and (2) lidless eyes.

Plus, this Papa John's commercial could easily be aired as a campaign video at little to no cost:

Substitute "Papa's in the house" with "Papa's in the White House" and this is exactly what an American public that craves pizza-related experience wants in a candidate.

I am dying for the day when the most important qualification for president isn't whether or not you've worked in the private sector, been a governor, opposed the incumbent president, or maintained an admirable voting record, but whether or not you've ever worked in pizza.

I dream of a day when this is a common concern for candidates: "What do you say to allegations that you don't own a pizza company?"

Pants, Songs, and Zombies

2011-10-13T21:32:00.020-06:00

Every once in a while a grown man has to take off his pants and play Super Nintendo in his apartment. I've decided pants can be a bit constricting, and so sometimes I don't wear them when I'm alone in my apartment. Also, I sometimes play Super Nintendo in this pantsless condition, because I'm an adult.

This becomes sort of weird, (because it wasn't before), whenever someone knocks on my door and I have to yell "just a minute" while I put my pants back on. It's even weirder if I have to admit, "yes, I just now put on pants." But no more. Next time I slowly answer my door and you think, "he just barely put on pants," don't be upset because I'm living the dream and you aren't.

But that's not the main thing I wanted to talk about. I recently made a song, and I think you should go ahead and listen to it. I recommend listening to it with headphones at a reasonably high volume. Here it is:
Get Frantic by craigblake

If you'd like to download this song for free, or listen to and download other songs I've made, feel free to visit this website. Both our dreams are about to come true.

Last, I had an argument today with a certain Brad about whether the zombies in the 2007 Will Smith zombie-thriller, I Am Legend, are zombies or vampires.

Brad's View: They are vampires.
Craig's View: They are crappy-looking zombies.

I think we both had some good points there, but I will summarize a few more by copy and pasting portions of our chat:

PRECURSOR TO DEBATE!

11:00 AM Bradley: Can u imagine a tiger zombie?
11:01 AM me: That is too awesome for me to imagine.

EARLY IN THE DEBATE!

11:05 AM Bradley: : "Amazon.com Review. One of the most influential vampire novels of the 20th century, I Am Legend regularly appears on the "10 Best" lists of numerous critical studies of the horror genre. Vampires. I rest my case."
11:06 AM me: "That's nonsense. Amazon.com reviews are written by criminals and sexual degenerates."

A FEW MINUTES LATER!

11:08 AM Bradley: "I think that would make them more ghouls, not zombies. If you are thinking of something such as night of the living dead.
11:09 AM me: "Night of the Living Dead is no ghoul movie! That's crazy talk. It's totally a zombie movie. There is no such thing as a 'Ghoul Movie.'"

A FEW MORE MINUTES LATER!

11:16 AM me: "Well, either way, in the movie, they are totally zombies. They're just crappy, over-produced zombies."
11:16 AM Bradley: "I disagree. I just Googled it. Apparently it is quite a discussion."
11:17 AM me: "I will not yield. I will not waver."
11:18 AM Bradley: "Haha. I just broke my pen out of anger."

Anyway, I think you can tell we won't be resolving this issue today. Meanwhile, here are two zombie movies I've seen that maybe you haven't. Considering it's nearly Halloween, maybe you should:

Black Sheep - I'm not exactly sure whether I should call this a "zombie sheep" or "weresheep" movie, but it was first introduced to me as a "zombie sheep" movie. So I'm going to stick with that. Want to see a sheep drive a truck? This movie is for you. Here is the trailer:

Dead Snow - This is a movie about Nazi Zombies, which is a difficult combination to beat. Also, this movie features zombies that occasionally pop directly out of the ground with no explanation on how they strategically burrowed to that position. And that is something special. Here is that trailer:

Final Note: Every time I discuss zombies, I think it's important to post this popular picture of a zombie that looks EXACTLY like me. This zombie isn't me. I know that's hard to believe.

A Series of Unrelated Thoughts

2011-09-26T22:45:00.015-06:00

Do people honestly listen to Sting anymore? I saw a Facebook ad for Sting today. It made me wonder who in the Sting-marketing department thought, "This thumbnail photo of Sting might be an effective marketing tool for Generation X." Worse, it made me wonder which of my online activities made Facebook think that I am part of the Sting target market. "Craig liked The Three Musketeers in 1993. Sell him Sting until his eyes bleed." I feel like, at this point in time, if you haven't committed to listening to Sting, it's too late to start. I don't think too many 25 year-olds in 2011 think, "You know, it's about time I gave Sting a whirl."

Do you know how expensive Doritos are? I was recently shocked to find out that a bag of Doritos costs nearly $4. The average cost for a gallon of gas is $3.50. A gallon of Doritos is far beyond that. My advice: invest in Doritos. Not the company, I mean actually purchase a bag of Doritos and hide it under a floorboard in your house. In 20 years, you can turn that Doritos bag in for two Doritos bags. It's simple economics. By then we may be on the Doritos Standard anyway.

I am currently interning at the state Public Defender's office in Denver. One of my favorite television characters, Sandy Cohen (The OC), was a public defender. But my memory of that show depicts him practicing law whenever he chose to, and spending the rest of his time surfing or liesurely dealing with his wife's alcoholism. Alas, that isn't the case. I don't even have a wife.

I love watching Ancient Aliens. My favorite thing about Ancient Aliens is that they repeatedly interview the most credible-looking guy ever:

People see this man in interviews and they think, "reliable man of science." I will summarize some actual points this man has made: "That old statue looks like aliens." - "How do we know potholes weren't left by a giant alien car?" - "Egyptian Gods are dingo-headed aliens." - "That rock formation looks like an alien portal into another dimension..and consequently, that's exactly what it is." - "That ancient Pharoah had a funny head, because his father was an alien." - "Chinese dragons were alien spaceships." - "History is important...aliens."

Anyway, I'm going to make a noble effort to blog more often. I apologize for my recent blog-keeping failures.

Girl Power: Tough Girl Bands

2011-07-01T19:05:00.033-06:00

Here's the meanest thing I said to someone today:

Craig: Excuse me, I'm looking for a humidifier. Do you know where I might look?
Terse Walmart Employee: We don't carry those during this season.
Craig: In the middle of the summer?
Terse Walmart Employee: We only carry them in the winter.
Craig: That's nonsense.

Turns out it was nonsense, because I eventually found one. Now when I sleep my body will finally be soaking wet! Every morning I wake up disappointed that I'm not completely drenched from head to foot, my sheets sopping. Problem solved.

Anyway, that isn't what this post is about. This post is about tough girl bands. You could call that last bit the opening act, if you wanted.

For about two years I've been into what I like to call "tough girl bands." Strong lady bands you could call them, if you wanted. Some are all women, some have mostly women, and some simply have a female lead singer. To have a female lead singer is my minimum requirement to be considered a tough girl band. But being a girl isn't all you need, you also have to be sort of tough. The following featured bands have differing levels of toughness. I think they're pretty tough.

Anyway, here you are:

--TOUGH GIRL BANDS--

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts:

Obviously, Joan Jett is a tough girl. She is sort of the Godmother of all other tough girls. I imagine the three other men in her band were also tough, because they are all wearing leather jackets in this photo. I can guarantee you that each person in this photo carries a dangerous knife.

Cherry Bomb -

I Hate Myself For Loving You -

Detroit Cobras:

The Detroit Cobras are who sparked my interest in tough girl bands. They have recorded only one original song and the rest of their tracks are covers. However, they've really toughened the songs up, and they've done a great job of taking ownership of their covers. They are also clearly very tough, and could probably break all your fingers. But they won't, because they're a band, not thugs.

I went to a Detroit Cobra show two weeks ago, and it was awesome. At this show I was attacked by a crazy girl to my left. Eventually this girl worked herself into such a frenzy that she slammed her forehead on the stage and had to leave. That's tough. Because I really like this band, I'm including more of their songs than the other tough girls. All their songs are pretty darn tough, even "It's Raining," which demonstrates that even tough girls have FEELINGS!

Shout Bama Lama -

Out Of This World -

Mean Man -

I Wanna Holler -

It's Raining -

Dream Bitches:

Despite their totally tough name, these gals are probably the least tough of the bunch. You can probably deduce that fact by their really sweet photo here. None of the people in that picture are prepared to choke someone out with a tirechain. Still, I'm giving them minor tough cred, mostly because they play guitars. So if these other hardcore ladies are too tough for you, maybe these gals are your thing. Meanwhile, stop being such a baby.

Bad Luck Bill -

Me And The Major -

Sahara Hotnights:

I had a really good time with this band in 2005. They've released two albums since then, but I think their first album is the toughest. Sure, they don't boast knife-fight levels of toughness, but they've been known to don black tank tops and leather jackets during a black-and-white photo shoot every now and again. That's tough. If you like your toughness cooked medium, then these gals are for you.

Hot Night Crash -

Who Do You Dance For -

Mind Over Matter -

Girl in a Coma:

These three strong ladies opened for the Detroit Cobras two weeks ago. If you question their toughness, you should know they were personally signed on the Blackhearts Records label by Joan Jett herself. The lead singer has some pretty fantastic facial expressions on stage, and she has a very, very impressive voice...especially in person. On top of that, I think these girls are tough enough that they might actually be able to seriously injure someone with a pool cue.

I found that they are even harder--aka tougher--in concert. They will play loud music right into your face until it explodes.

Come On, Let's Go -

Walkin' After Midnight -

Static Mind -

Shannon and the Clams:

My friend Bridger recently introduced me to Shannon and the Clams. True, there is only one woman in this band, but she is tough enough for all of us. I think they have a great thing going, and are near the high end of the toughness spectrum. They also make a lot of noise. They'd be quieter, or more carefully produced, but they're too tough to care about things like that.

You Will Always Bring Me Flowers -

The Woodsman -

The Fondas:

I have slightly mixed feelings about The Fondas. On one hand they sound sort of like the Detroit Cobras. On the other hand, they just aren't as tough. But you never know. Give them a few years out on the streets, and they could be tougher than me, even. However, I'm only sharing one song with you, because they have a little while to go before I think they reach maximum toughhood.

Make You Mine -

The 5.6.7.8's:

If you like Japanese women screaming into a microphone, then The 5.6.7.8's are perfect. Made famous thanks to their melodic "Woo Hoo" featured in Kill Bill and several commercials, I imagine many people immediately purchased their album only to find it was mostly women with very strong Japanese accents shrieking at you in English. The 5.6.7.8's aren't for everyone, but they don't care, because they're too tough. Or, in Japanese, they are totally タフ...pronounced "TOUGH!"

Jump, Jack, Jive -

I'm Blue -

The Sounds:

The Sounds are a bit more poppy than these other tough girls, which very nearly disqualified them from being pretty tough. Also, they've toured with some pretty un-tough people, which made me think twice about whether or not they were truly tough enough for this list. Tough ladies should be far too busy dying their hair jet black to hang out with people who aren't very tough. Still, in the end, I'm giving them a nod. I'm sure this kind of tough really goes over well in Scandinavian countries...viking tough. Tough enough to wear wooden shoes.

Living In America -

Painted By Numbers -

Timi Yuro:

Sure, this music is old, but Timi Yuro likes to shout at people in her music. I think she's the only person in the world who has ever managed to make "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" sort of tough. Plus, she was born in 1940, when it wasn't as socially acceptable for women to be so freaking tough. She paved the way for tough women all over the place. Now everywhere you look there are tough women.

If I Never Get To Love You -

I Ain't Gonna Cry No More -

Let Me Call You Sweetheart -

Last, I wanted to stay away from music videos. However, this video of Timi Yuro singing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" is awesome, I think. It looks great. A classy video for a classy lady...a classy, tough lady. You can find it here. Be tough.

My Love/Hate Relationship With Business Casual

2011-06-12T20:32:00.011-06:00

I don't have to wear a tie to work. That is excellent news, because I've recently come to grips with how much I hate wearing ties.

I have tons of ties. I just did a quick tie talley, and I currently own 45 ties. This is less than half of the ties I once owned, before I donated half (the uncouth half) to a consignment store. There are somewhere between 50 and 60 men wandering around wearing uncouth ties, and it's my fault!

I do like the ties I own, but I try my best to avoid wearing them. That's why I should be glad that the law firm I'm interning at has a "business casual" dress code. But I also sort of hate business casual clothing. Why can't we all go to work the way we were meant to work? Totally nude, and covered in goo! I was born that way, and that's the way I'll work full-time at a law firm! And yes, that's the way I plan to die: totally nude, and covered in goo.

Craig on His Deathbed: ...and that's how I French Kissed whomever I pleased. Now Craig Jr., fetch the nurse, and hand me that jar of goo.

The problem with business casual clothing is that I've never made it a huge priority to own any. I'm usually wearing business uptight clothes, totally casual clothes, or totally nude and covered in goo. (That joke sure hasn't overstayed it's welcome.) So when I look myself in the mirror after robing myself in business casual attire I often think, "frumpy," in contrast to "sharp," "hip," and "sort of gross" respectively. My business casual clothes pretty much consist of whatever clothes I've acquired whenever my parents hold up a bunch of striped button-up shirts that I've never seen before and ask, "Are these yours?"

But all this has CHANGED! Yesterday I bought myself two dazzling pairs of pants, and two dazzling shirts that are going to revolutionize the way I think about business casual clothes. I also finally bought myself brown shoes and a brown belt. Now I can look hip at work. Maybe even as hip as this lady:

IMAGINE THAT!

Finally, I just image-Google searched: "MAN HOLDING CASH" and this is the first result -

Then I typed in: "HELL YEAH!" This is the first result -

Killing Time at Gate 42C

2011-06-02T06:20:00.006-06:00

There is something about showering very early in the morning that makes me feel like I'm about to be violently murdered. Especially when I am washing my hair and there is soap dripping down my face so I don't want to open my eyes. This is the opportune moment for any murderers who have remained concealed in my tiny bathroom to strike. I don't usually feel like I'm about to fall victim to showercide, but very early-morning showers are terrifying.

This morning, for example. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to make my way to the Denver Airport. I'm going home for the weekend for two weddings. I'm actually in the airport at this very moment, although I'm unsure if I'll finish much of anything before I have to board the plane. I have ten minutes to write something pretty exciting.

I actually really enjoy going to weddings. Plus, the fact that I'll be going to two weddings during a quick home visit makes it very efficient. I can't think of a better way to see more people from home in such a short period of time. However, talking to others about weddings has made me realize that my wedding experiences are pretty different from the way the world attends weddings. At my friend Lloyd's wedding, a very nosy photographer insisted that us groomsmen were expected to dance, party, and woo the bridesmaids. My wedding experiences usually consist of eating tiny turkey sandwiches. If it weren't for weddings, I would eat 33 percent fewer tiny turkey sandwiches.

Anyway, I had planned to sit down here in the terminal and play Pokemon Fire/Red on my computer. My current pokemon team consists of: Charmeleon, Clefairy, Pikachu, Pigeoto, Mankey, and Butterfree. Soon enough I'll be a Pokemon Champion, and my peers will finally respect me.

Speaking of peers, I started my internship on Tuesday. I'm having a swell time. Also, I finished my first year of law school. I'd have to say the best part about going to law school was when I watched Battlestar Galactica at the end of the semester. Battlestar Galactica is awesome, honestly.

The TV Lady Crush Olympics

2011-04-09T23:26:00.017-06:00

This post is mostly about my television lady crushes, but it's also mostly about this song I made recently. It's called Big Ben, and you should listen to it. Then after you listen to it, you should go to my web site on PureVolume to hear some of my other songs that you can download for free. Do it. Then direct your friends to do it. If you don't make me a rock star, then who will?

Craig Blake - Big Ben

Now to the television lady crushes. There are a few gals on TV that have stolen chunks of my pure, golden, bleeding, teenage heart over the years. I've whittled down to three finalists. I have placed these three finalists into rankings. Here they are:

Bronze Medalist: Lana Lang, actressed by Kristin Kreuk (Smallville)

Once upon a time, Lana Lang was a gold medalist. That was before she played mercilessly with Clark Kent's superhuman yet fragile heart. You've got to give Clark Kent a break, Lana Lang. It's hard to have a television crush on Lana Lang, because she plays so hard to get. She is also easily upset. That's why I'm afraid the two of us will never really work out. It hurts so good.

Here is a video montage featuring Lana Lang. I want to point out that this video has been viewed nearly 45,000 times.

Here is what one of the viewers of this video had to say:

"she is amusing,really amusing girl!" - megimeg15

Silver Medalist: Charlotte "Chuck" Charles, actressed by Anna Friel (Pushing Daisies)

She's got spunk, she's got style, she loves Craig Blake. In this show, Chuck struggles with the conflict of falling in love with a pie maker and yet being unable to touch him, because of magic. This is similar to our situation, as we are also unable to have any contact because I'm a man who likes pie, and she is a fictional person. Watching this TV show will make me sigh like I am an 11-year old girl planning her wedding. Then, of course, I go about the other man-stuff I do. Because I'm a man. Chuck is very charming. I'm charmed.

Here is a swell scene where Chuck tries to find a way around the magic no-touching problem:

Here's what what viewer has to say about this video:

"GUYZ FROM A AMERICA, anna friel, english, and was on a UK daytime soap called brookside, she was a lesbian, and buried her father in the backyard, just a heads up since we english people new this incase some of u american did not" - GunnHFran

Gold Medalist: Anna Stern, actressed by Samaire Armstrong (The O.C.)

She's spunky, she's smart, she's a-little-too-hip. In The O.C., Anna Stern was supposed to be a one-episode character. Then the audience reaction was so positive that she became a regular character in Season 1. Then she moves back to Pittsburgh, and she ruins my life. She can give me a French Kiss any time she wants. My only fear is that maybe she'll never give me a French Kiss. This gal is one of the few people who can look great wearing a smock...or anything...no matter how ridiculous. I will now post the video of Anna Stern leaving me. If this doesn't break your heart, then your heart is an impenetrable, evil, black pile of slop.

Here is a thought from one viewer of this video:

"who am i gonna play jenga with" GoldenCowboy748

A Survey + An Update

2011-03-26T15:59:00.013-06:00

I haven't blogged for a month. There's only one way to come back from that kind of absence: filling out an Internet survey usually patronized by tweenage girls. But before I begin, I think maybe some of you forgot what Craig stands for during my leave. Craig stands for:

Being a champion
Stopping a disease
Doing push-ups
Winning games
Being a winner
Doing well in challenges
Watching Survivor
U.S.A
Champion

May you never forget what I'm all about. And to that end, here is a survey about me:

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say? - So I have a uterus?

2. Do you trust all of your friends? - Of course I do! So long as they don't double-cross me! I'm constantly vigilant, because I'm positive my friends will double-cross me!

3. Have two guys ever fought over you? - I always feel like I'm the prettiest girl at the dance.

4. Have you ever done yourself VERY pretty with so much makeup and a whole different outfit to make a guy like you? - I feel like you're gazing directly into my soul!

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now? I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to. I just have to follow my heart and reach for me dreams.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor? - Probably Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love? - No, I'm a grown man.

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? - Probably Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

9. Whats your most favorite scar? - It's a scar on my shin located on my most favorite leg, where I fell on my most favorite bike and my shin was stabbed by my handlebrake.

10. When was the last time you flew in a plane? - I travel exclusively by ultralight. I like to feel the wind in my hair, and in my face.

Here's an example of flying an ultralight by a man who has designs on the governorship of Utah:

11. What did the last text message you sent say? - "Swell. Sounds good. Keep me posted if you need help." - I'm Hell on wheels!

12. Fill in the blank. I love: Tacos

13. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future? - Mostly just to be the winner of the Olympics.

14. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call? - Mel Gibson: "Is my fiance still alive!?"

15. How many kids do you want to have? - I'll need at least 8 to be on TV.

16. Would you make a good parent? - I'd be the best dad ever. I'm a man.

17. Whats your middle name? - Barlow. Just one of the things I share with polygamists all over the country. - In other news, I truly am pretty fond of my midle name.

18. Would you move to another state or country to be with the person you love? - Is she Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman?

19. Honestly, whats on your mind right now? - Karaoke. I'd like to do some karaoke sometime soon.

20. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? - I'd go back in time and help my dad beat up a bully. That way I'd own a cool truck in the future.

21. What are you wearing right now? - Just a silly old leopard-print, french-cut thong.

22. Ever had a bar fight? Of course I have. I'm a real man. Sometimes I'm doing sit-ups, and sometimes I'm fighting in bars. That's what men do.

23. Who knows you're the best? - This survey is making great strides in improving my self-esteem.

24. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? - I wear glasses. I wore contacts once, but they were giant, hard lenses. They made my eyes feel like burning death.

25. When is the last time you had a massage? - Not since I moved to Denver, and I've never had a real massage by a real therapist. However, I do often encourage people to give me a scalp massage. Example:

Craig: Hey, want to rub my head?
Man on Bus: Not really.

26. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say? - "But we've only known each other for...wait a minute!"

And that concludes the survey portion of this blog. In other news, I'll give you a quick recap on what I've been up to for a month:

1. I played Dragon Age and beat it yesterday. When I tell people I recently beat a game called "Dragon Age" it makes me feel very cool and attractive.
2. I got a haircut. The lady cut it a bit to close to my ears and it made me feel a little bit like I looked like a young, 13th century friar. On the other hand I have gotten a few nice compliments on my new shorter style, which could very easily be 100% motivated by sympathy.
3. I went to Barristers Ball. I literally danced myself sick, and there were moments I had to leave the dance floor, sit down, and begin deep-breathing to prevent producing an embarrassing mess. I also danced so hard that my pants ripped at the end of the night and I had to leave 20 minutes early. I had a really excellent time.
4. I celebrated my first real St. Patrick's Day. Once again, there was dancing. I danced very furiously. There was tons of kicking involved. I discovered that I react pretty energetically to Irish music.
5. I applied for some internships in Denver. The word is still out on whether or not I got them. Let's all feel good feelings. Feel what you have to feel.

And that's it basically. My diet has deteriorated to purely pot pies, Totinos pizzas, cold cereal, and Fruit Rollups. Feel free to give me suggestions. In closing, here is a picture of Barristers Ball:

My Recent Linguistic Habits

2011-02-21T18:56:00.009-07:00

I just got home from a successful, but long and tiring day of snowboarding at Keystone, and I plan on spending the next hour in the fetal position in the shower crying and looking at pictures of me as a baby. That might be the only thing that can recharge my tired, tired body. I am a tired boy.

Since I wrote my dating tips blog, I have recieved some question on whether or not Craig himself has a lady crush, on some lady. As you may know, I swore to honor the namesake of Valentine's Day, an early Christian martyr, by putting my tongue in someone else's mouth on that special holiday. I unfortunately failed to live up to my promise, and I imagine St. Valentine himself was rolling in his grave. If there is anything this particular saint cares about, it's that people French Kiss one another every now and again. I looked French Kissing up, and according to Wikipedia, it generally means, "Getting up in some lady's face."

Which brings me to the topic of the day. Lately I've been using the term "French Kiss" fairly often. In my history, I've occasionally come across phrases that I cannot get myself to stop using. So if you are tired of me talking about French Kissing, I want you to know that I'm currently helpless, but sooner or later I believe it will pass like many phrases before it. Now, let's take a look back at some of the things Craig has enjoyed saying, and sometimes still enjoys saying:

"French Kiss"

"Give me a French Kiss!" - Said in the voice of a large woman who I imagine I'm in an abusive relationship with.
EXAMPLE:

"Make me a sandwich." - Ditto. I imagine this abusive woman will desperately want Sandwiches as well.
EXAMPLE:

"Karl Malone Hammer Dunk!"

"Karl Malone could rip off your arms."

"SPAWN!"
EXAMPLE:

"You guys have a lot of growing up to do."

"Be an adult."

"That's a really cool thing that you're doing."

"I'm a man."

And that is all the phrases I can currently think of, except for two that I'm not sharing, because I see no signs of them ever going away. Anyway, feel free to share something you say quite often. Or just get about your life.

Final Note:

Finally, I made a song a month or so back that I never shared on my blog for some reason. I like it. Why shouldn't you like it? Give it a listen:

Craig Blake - Gentleman's Game

A Beginners Lesson on Dating

2011-02-09T13:47:00.016-07:00

If you knew anything about dating, then you'd already be French Kissing anyone you please. But since that isn't the case you sorry frenchkissless failure, believe me, you're going to need MY help. If you knew dating like I know dating, then your brain would implode and make a gross mess. Pray you never know as much as I know.

As we all know, dating is so you can French Kiss people whenever you want. That's what I learned in 7th grade, and it's no less true today, now that I'm in the 17th grade. Now that you are somewhere between the ages of 20- and 55-years old, you too have probably just recently entered the magical world of dating! This can be a time of great uncertainty and anxiety. Well don't fret, because if you do, you'll probably be desolate and alone for the rest of your wretched life. No one likes a worry wart. Get a clue, you big dumb worry wart.

But dating can also be a lot of fun, like going to an arcade or sitting in a Go-Cart. I especially like the Go-Cart comparison.

Now before you go out there on your own, you're going to want to know some tricks of the trade. Women love tricks, and if you don't know any tricks, then you can't be a good date for a woman. At the end of past unsatisfying dates, women might have asked you, "Have you no tricks?" Here's the secret: women want to be wooed with secret tricks that you can usually only learn in popular magazines. Well here they are gentleman. Here are the exact tricks that woman was talking about! Also, women, if you want to date a man, he likes tricks too. He might not say it out loud, because he was lifting weights, but he craves tricks! These tricks are totally unisex.

1. Make Physical Contact - If you want to make an impression, you have to make physical contact. I'm surprised you never thought about that before. If you want to make a very strong impression, you should put your hand on your date's upper, inner thigh and SQUEEZE! Believe me, whoever your date is will not expect it and every nerve in their body will fly into panic mode, and they might completely spazz out. Then you have them exactly where you want them to give them a French Kiss. Here's the secret: women want men who are spontaneous and grabby, and nothing is more spontaneous than a surpising and unexpected hand enthusiastically squeezing their upper inner thigh. LADY KILLER!

2. Do a Magic Trick - Didn't I tell you once that women love tricks? Why don't you pay attention?! On top of just regular tricks you can do, women want to see you do a magic trick. This is because women want men who know how to do magic, like a wizard for example. If you can't do any magic then women will know you can't protect them. This is also why you should always carry a gun in your pocket, to attract beautiful women. Beautiful women will know they are safe with you if they notice a semi-concealed weapon sticking out of your pants. But back to magic. If you can't pull a quarter out of her ear, then how will you ever make a baby? Women want tons of babies. Here's a video about doing magic tricks so you can finally grow up and get a clue:

3. Make Eye Contact - If you want to get a woman to give you a French Kiss, then you should stare at her face. If you stare at a woman right in the face long enough, she'll think, "Ah, that man likes me." Nothing breaks the ice quite like an intense, wide-eyed stare at a stranger from across a room. An extended stare combined with the gun stashed in your pants will cause a woman to think, "That man wants a French Kiss, and he's prepared to fight for his woooman." Women want a man who will fight for her, like at a bar in a drunken fit. If you get in a drunken fight with someone at a bar, you will probably get a pretty girlfriend.

4. Flirt - Have you tried flirting with a woman? You should try flirting with a woman you big, dateless fool. You'll get a date if you flirt with a woman.

5. Just watch these movies - If you watch these two movies about dating, you'll probably get tons of dates. Now go out there and be a man, like me.

The Art of Meeting Men

Insightful Movie Quotes:

"Some women in my workshop say they've even gone so far as to spill their drink on a man they want to meet and get his phone number by promising to pay for his dry cleaning. But avoid spilling red wine, because you don't want him to remember you for the wrong reasons."

"Get into sync with him by nodding in agreement with what he's saying."

"I suggest you let him know that it really turns you on when a man talks about his feelings."

Video Dating

Insightful Movie Quotes:

"I don't know, what I'm not looking for is some big, overgrown monster whose always thinking about food."

"Hi, my name is Monroe. You've probably already noticed that I have incredibly blue eyes."

"I enjoy having fun, yes."

"I steal watches."

"Fire-breathing dragons."

Distractions

2011-02-08T16:35:00.011-07:00

Since I've been back in Denver I have found a pretty large number of distractions that have put my life in a self-destructive, anti-social spiral. Last semester I spent a fair amount of time out and about. This semester I have found several reasons to stay safely in my apartment for hours upon hours. Let's discuss them:

1. LOST: First and foremost, I have a serious problem watching LOST. I cannot imagine going through the agony of watching this television show without having every episode immediately available on DVD. If I didn't have the choice to immediately watch the next episode of LOST whenever I want, I might be in actual, physical pain. Even though I can watch it at any pace I like, I'm still in severe emotional pain. The constantly procrastinated, and unsatisfied curiosity this TV show generates has almost definitely left me with permanant emotional trauma, kind of like what happens when mother's don't hold their babies. Watching LOST is like never being held as a baby.

I still love it, it's just ruining my life. I am currently on Season 5, Episode 14, so the pain is almost over. I'll soon be left with just the satisfaction of having finished LOST and the insatiable need for someone to hold me.

2. Pokemon Emerald: Lately I've played a little Pokemon, on Gameboy. I'm an adult. I know this isn't really socially acceptable anymore, but it's time you faced the fact that Pokemon is a great idea, and it was a fantastic video game. I'm an adult.

I'm just happy someone has finally brought Cockfighting to the masses. There was a time when only a rare few were able to understand the joys of entering a treasured pet into a ring fight for cash. Now we can all know that kind satisfaction.

This began during Christmas Break in Salt Lake City during the two-day period where I had nothing to do. I figured I'd give Pokemon another whirl. Unfortunately, once I returned to Denver, I couldn't stop completely until I finished. Luckily, today I finished. Pokemon can now rest easy knowing I will no longer be wandering through tall grass to beat the Hell out of them.

3. New Music: In the past few days I've gone on a bit of a music search. I've especially been looking for tough girl music, like the Detroit Cobras. In fact, I plan to have a upcoming blog post feature some of the swell tough girl music I've discovered. Until then, here is some of the tough guy music I've found. Be a man and listen to them.

Black Lips - Bad Kids

Black Lips - Drugs

Mister Heavenly - Mister Heavenly

Mister Heavenly - Pineapple Girl

(If you'd like to download the Mister Heavenly songs for free, go here.)

4. This is not a distraction, this is about a video I just saw. This video is about a place where there are tons of rare, white deer. The first thing I thought was that someone needs to tell the children from the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. Have at those white stags, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve!

I'm Immune to Low LOST Expectations

2011-01-27T00:26:00.013-07:00

Despite the fact that I'm supposed to be very busy with school, I spent roughly five hours watching LOST today. I'm about six episodes into the second season, and about six years behind everyone in the world. However, if anyone ruins anything for me, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I have been carefully avoiding LOST discussions for more than half a decade just in case I ever decided to watch LOST. This is a very difficult thing to do. People love talking about LOST. Between 2004 and 2010, people wanted to talk about LOST all the time. Just imagine how difficult 2004 to 2010 was for me.

Also, before someone says, "You'll love the first season, but then it goes crazy!" I don't think many people understand the brand loyalty I am capable of. For example, I loved Heroes. Heroes got very, very bad. But I never missed a single episode of Heroes. I loved The OC. Season Four of The OC is pretty unbearable, and I not only watched every episode of Season Four, I bought Season Four. It is people like me that allow bad TV shows to get just enough ratings to continue torturing people like me. I once wrote Santitas a hand-written letter telling them I liked their white corn tortilla chips. Two years later, I called them to let them know I still like their white corn tortilla chips. I care about Santitas.

However, I'm optimistic that LOST isn't going to do disappoint me like The OC or Heroes. Although some people seem to think that it got out of control, those people probably don't understand what I'm willing to tolerate and enjoy. Here are some bad things I have enjoyed in the past:

1. Alien v. Predator - This is one of the worst movies I've ever enjoyed. There are at least a dozen scenes in this movie where I thought the heroine and the Predator were about to share a sweet, soft French Kiss. There is eventually a scene where the Predator gives the woman an alien head to use as a shield, which as we all know means "I French Kiss You" on the Predator's home planet, so we still got what we wanted.

2. Hell Boy 2 - This movie has some of the worst dialogue and characters I've ever heard or seen. Whoever played that fish man should never be able to remove his costume as punishment for his terrible delivery. Cursed to walk the earth a hideous, bumbling fish man. If I was a wizard, that is the curse I would use the most: "I curse you, to walk the earth forever as a hideous, bumbling fish man!"

3. Yu-Gi-Oh! - When I was in high school I would get home from track practice, sit down on the couch, and turn on the TV at the exact moment that Yu-Gi-Oh! started. Yu-Gi-Oh! was a cartoon about a small fellow, who is somehow possessed by an Egyptian that looks exactly like him, except he is taller, speaks about three octaves lower, and is excellent at a card game. He goes around winning this card game. At the time I thought it was Pokemon for big kids. Now I realize it was actually Pokemon for the exact same demographic as Pokemon.

And finally, I'm going to go so far as to say that I don't think LOST will get bad. So far, six episodes into Season Two, I'm having an excellent time. Also, I feel like many peoples' main complaint is that it got too "science-fictiony." That will absolutely not stop me. If I turn on the next episode tomorrow and the cast find a stash of laser guns and Unicorns inside a spaceship from Krypton, that will only make me more excited about LOST: "First Polar Bears...and now a Kryptonian laser gun/Unicorn stash...the plot thickens!" You are talking to the guy who read the Tolkien Dictionary entry by entry in 7th grade (and has since done tons of really cool things, like wear sunglasses.) There is almost nothing science-fictiony that I can't digest.

Fairly often, when I tell someone I'm watching LOST, they try to persuade me to lower my expectations. I'm not going to do it, and you can't make me.

Final Note: I love Oregon Trail. I can prove it; just review my Oregon Trail Travel Journal. If you've ever played Oregon Trail, I think you should like this video my friend Will brought to my attention:

Back to School and Resolutions

2011-01-13T20:46:00.003-07:00

Today was my second day back at school, and each class felt like it was 127 hours long, minus the one where we discussed cannibalism exclusively. Sometimes I think people take for granted the opportunity to sever a limb to escape a boring place, namely Foxes. Foxes have no appreciation for their ability to gnaw off their own paws, which routinely rescues them from sitting around totally bored somewhere.

If I thought I could have been excused early, there was a one hour-stretch today where I might have gnawed off every single one of my limbs. It wasn't a class, it was a meeting with free, crappy pizza. I sat all the way through it, but I would have sooner gnawed off all my appendages and rolled into the hallway. But knowing this guy, he probably still would have left me in my seat, bleeding from my gnaw wounds while he talked at me...very...very...slowly...and then paused...and then paused more...and then took a sip of water...and then talked at me...very...very...slowly. Ultimately I didn't take this course of action, and I still have all my limbs today.

Anyway, I am now back in school, which means I'm going to have to re-teach myself how I'm supposed to go about my life when I'm not sleeping in until 10:30 am to 2:30 pm every day. I had a really excellent break, and I spent a good deal of it lying on the Queen Bed in my parent's guest room. A bed fit for a queen.

Meanwhile, I set some New Year's Resolutions for myself. Only one of these were actually premeditated before New Year's Eve, but I've still constructed a short list. Here you are:

1. Go to More Shows (Music) - One of the things people would tell me when I moved to Denver is that it has an excellent music scene. It's true, it does, and I have wasted it for months. This year I'm going to make a noble effort to see more shows, and to be more informed on who exactly is coming through Denver. And I'm going to do all these things without so much as a pair of really tight pants.

2. French Kiss Tunz - I'm going to French Kiss like wild. Not that this has ever been a problem in my life, but if you're a girl, I'm probably going to French Kiss you right on the face all the time. I like your chances.

3. Be an Astronaut - Since I'm bound to fail on at least one New Year's Resolution, I've resolved to be an Astronaut this year. Basically, I'm going to spend some time travelling in space with NASA. There is a huge demand for Astronauts these days, and NASA needs my skills in outer space--skills like navigating an inflatable obstacle course.

4. Update This Blog - I want everyone to know I resolved to post on this blog once a week last year. I'm happy to say I fell short of that goal by only two posts. That is absolutely incredible. I'm an absolutely incredible person for getting this close. Just imagine how much more incredible I could be this year. Unfortunately, I'm in law school this year, basically the entire time, so I hope it doesn't affect the blogging too much.

Editor's Note: The picture above about eating more healthy isn't really true. I'm currently planning on eating way more pot pies than I ate in 2010, but we'll see how it pans out for me.

A Salute to 2010

2010-12-31T15:40:00.013-07:00

2010 has finally come to a close. This year I made many large decisions, such as moving to a new state, beginning law school at the University of Denver, and buying a see-through shower curtain. However, some things stayed exactly the same. With no difficulty at all I remained true to my conviction to drink whole milk, and considering I have had nearly the same haircut since 2003, I can't imagine why 2011 would be any different from any other year since then. However, my bones are stronger than they've ever been, and last week a girl who does eyelashes told me I have beautiful, thick eyelashes. That is why, in 2011, I'm going to bat my eyelashes more, and I'm going to find some use for my whole milk-fortified, powerful bones; such as ultimate fighting. And in 2011, when people ask me if I'm a lover or a figher I will bat my beautiful eyelashes and say, "I am a lover, and I am also a fighter. I'm an ultimate fighter."

Before I launch into some of my bests and worsts of 2010, I finished a song today. Remember, when I share a song I expect only praise. Tons of praise. Since it is the last one I finished in 2010, here it is:

Craig Blake - Not Like the Movies

Best Movie: This is a very, very difficult decision. I don't think I'm going to be able to pick between True Grit and Inception, but both of them were great movies. If the world of Inception actually existed, I would spend all my time filling my dreams with safes. Every night I would dream of at least 1 million safes. Then no one would be able to figure out which safe had my secrets in.

Anyway, I thought both of those movies were spectacular, but I also feel like I ought to mention Amelie. Amelie didn't come out this last year, but I did watch it for the first time in January of 2010, and I love it. Also, considering the fact that it came out in 2001, it has all the required numbers. It's a French movie. It's a good time.

Another honorable mention goes to Best Worst Movie, which is a documentary about Troll 2. I saw it at a live screening with the director and some of the original actors from Troll 2 and it was probably my giddiest moment of 2010.

Worst Movie: Defendor. This movie is miserable. The only good part of this movie was watching Woody Harrelson throw babyfood jars of angry bees at people. I wish that the entire movie was just Woody Harrelson throwing jars of angry bees at people.

An honorable mention goes to Zardoz. 1970's Sean Connery in the future wearing a red ensemble composed of a diaper, knee-high hooker boots, suspenders and a flowing pony tail. How could this have possibly gone wrong?

Favorite Band:I went through tons of music this year thanks to my employment at Overstock.com. While I was hard at work getting people to look at our selection of armoires I would shuffle through loads of music, and so this is a tough decision. However, I think I might have to go with the Detroit Cobras this year. There is literally not a single song they have ever produced that I don't like to listen to, and that is an achievement.

Best Modern Songs: This section might be up to some debate, but I'm going to attempt an honest ranking system. However, I don't think you should feel too limited by this. This may or may not reflect what I actually think.

First Place: The Detroit Cobras - The Real Thing - I still cannot get enough of this song. Listening to it for an extended period of time will turn me into a sweaty clapping mess.

Second Place: Super-Furry Animals - Run Away - When I first heard this song I listened to it on repeat for literally about 1 and 1/2 hours. I couldn't stop listening to it. The next time I listen to this song that many times I will probably be sobbing and wearing nothing but a long nightshirt.

Third Place: Mark Sultan - Go Berzerk - I think Mark Sultan deserves your respect.

Honorable mentions in this category will also be awarded to:
The Magnetic Fields - Long-Forgotten Fairytale - I do a pretty exciting dance in the shower to this song.
The Detroit Cobras - Out of This World - These gals do it again.
The Films - Holiday - Fun time.
Johnny Flynn - Tickle Me Pink - This is a more recent addition, but I've had a great time with this song for the past two weeks. This is a silent plea for someone to tickle me. Go on.
LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yrself Clean - There are so few listenable 9 minute songs in the world. Why not give this one a try?

Best Old Songs:

First Place: The Beatles - Honeypie - I have whistled this tune nearly non-stop for 3 months. Everyone loved it.

Second Place: The Undertones - Get Over You - I feel like this band deserves a lot more of my attention than it sometimes gets. Today, publically, they are getting it.

Third Place: Bay City Rollers - I Only Want to be With You - This is another song that will throw me into a toe-tapping, delirious fit.

Honorable mentions in this category will also be awarded to:
Edison Lighthouse - Love Grows Where my Rosemary Goes - They nearly made the cut thanks to how often I sang this song during finals weeks directly into the ears and face of Kirstin D.
Eddie Cochran - C'mon Everybody - This song is a great time, and I think Eddie Cochran deserves a lot more attention from people who like Elvis. People who like Elvis haven't given him enough attention, so I have to give him attention.
Timi Yuro - If I Never Get to Love You - Timi Yuro has an attitude. Timi Yuro goes buckwild.
Diane Renay - Watch Out Sally - I think this gal was really ahead of her time. She also has another fantastic song called Kiss Me, Sailor. I'd be very happy to own this CD, "Navy Blue" but it is apparently very rare, like The Last Unicorn.

Best Worst Songs:

First and Only Place: Lou Bega - Mambo No. 5 - Without Mambo No. 5, law school could have easily been a gray, joyless, spirit-sucking endeavor. Thanks to Mambo No. 5, law school has been a bucket of laughs!

Best Restaurant: This year I was forced to eat my fairshare of sweaty, taco, meat cubes. I have been completely unable to find a decent taco in Colorado. Every time a slippery, wet, sweaty meat cube hoodwinks its way into my stomach, I wish I was at the Taco Stand on 800 S. and State St. downtown Salt Lake City: Tacos Don Rafa. This year they were once again open for Christmas Day at 10:30 p.m. For their dedication, quality, price, and willingness not to serve up cubed, sweaty, snotmeat, I award upon them my favorite restaurant of 2010. It is fantastic to finally eat a good taco.

Worst Restaurant: This is a two-pring award -

1. Crappy Taco Place in Breckenridge, Colorado - They advertise "Real Mexican Food" on their sign. But I'm pretty sure that the people of Mexico aren't accustomed to eating their sweaty, suck tacos. Thanks for nothing crappy taco place in Breckenridge, Colorado. A person could truly serve me ground kitten meat with some seasoning and it would blow this cubed, sweaty, wet meat out of the water.

2. Crappy Mexican Food Place Somewhere in Colorado - I may not remember where you are Crappy Mexican Food Place Somewhere in Colorado, but my back will become crippled several years prematuraly thanks to your chairs. Bad chairs? Bad form. Bad form Crappy Mexican Food Place. Secretly charging for the generally complimentary chips and salsa appetizers? Bad show. Bad show Crappy Mexican Food Place.

Best TV Show: The Walking Dead - I didn't watch an awful lot of television this year, and The Walking Dead did it's very best to fill the gaping hole in my heart that Heroes left. It didn't quite fill the entire thing, but I look forward to what it can do for me in 2011.

And of course, The OC wins the true first place award. I never, ever get tired of watching The OC. When was the last time Anna Stern turned your heart into liquid by moving back to Pittsburgh? Too long:

Worst TV Show: I didn't really watch any bad television I didn't like this year, but I did watch a ton of Campus P.D. and Ninja Warrior. At least one of the two is really crappy television that I do enjoy watching.

Best Vacation: I really enjoyed going to Moab with some friends this last summer. I had an absolutely excellent time. My favorite moment was playing fairly embarrassing pool games while some girls watched us from the hot tub.

I've had enough. Happy New Year.

In closing, here is another song I finished recently that seems fitting because it says "It's Over" several times.

Craig Blake - Told You So

A Recap: Finals, A Wedding, Christmas, and Movie Reviews

2010-12-28T00:59:00.015-07:00

I'm sorry to say my posting has been few and far between lately, but I swear I have some good excuses. I promise I'll change, and we'll be together.

Since late November I have been busy pretty much all the time. I began and finished my first set of law school finals, which was truly a miserable experience. My largest complaint with law school finals is there is no one readily available to feel bad for you. Considering nearly everyone I know in Denver is a law student, you don't get an awful lot of sympathy from them when you complain about the misery of finals. The joy of complaining is to have other people feel sorry for you, but law students are already occupied feeling sorry for themselves. In the effort to find someone who will feel sorry for them, law students turn mostly to Facebook or seeking out conversations like this:

"Oh hello...I'm doing great, totally fine! Feeling wonderful! Just wonderful! Really nice day. Couldn't feel better, really...Well, I am very tired...Oh, it's nothing. Nothing at all...Well, you know, just a lot of work lately... Oh, no big deal. It's just school...I'm in law school...I'm taking my law school finals right now...yes, I'm very tired...It's just horrible, I feel completely horrible...my life has never been worse actually...Yes, terrible...I am a sad, sad human being...Anyway, I would like a #6 with a root beer."

It's exhausting just thinking of the energy I'm going to expend next semester trying to make people feel sorry for me.

Craig's Finals Low Point: One night I nearly lost my mind. In response I went to the grocery store and bought myself 5-quarts of ice cream to help drown my tears. This was a good reminder that even though I'm a 24 year-old man, I grapple with extreme pressure like a 40 year-old woman facing a crisis.

Craig's Finals High Point: When I finished my last final, Civil Procedure, I went to a party for a few hours, went home, and fell asleep on my couch while eating a bowl of ice cream. This was a good reminder that even though I'm a 24 year-old man, I celebrate like a 40 year-old woman facing a crisis.

Anyway, I did survive finals, and soon afterward I was heading home to Salt Lake City. Two days after I arrived I was in a minivan with four other guys on our way to Huntington Beach, California to attend the wedding of my friend, Scott. Scott is an excellent guy, and he doesn't read my blog, so I will recap his wedding and the rest of the trip in a few points:

1. Scott and I met in 9th grade when we would spend every day immediately after lunch flooding the bathroom toilets with toilet paper. Petty vandalism lays a solid foundation for lifelong, rewarding friendships. I can't express how great a friend Scott is and has been without undermining my street cred(entials), so I won't go into detail, except to say he is a truly great person and friend. Congratulations to Scott and Jenesee.
2. The wedding dinner was held at the restaurant at the end of the Huntington Beach pier, called Ruby's. It's the building in the picture of the beach right there. What an incredible idea.
3. We spent a fair amount of time playing Super Smash Brothers on our trip, including in our parked and running minivan in a parking garage somewhere in Hollywood. Beautiful California.
4. It rained every day until the last day, just in time for the wedding and reception. This paved way for probably the best wedding reception I have ever been to. I ate tons of cheesecake. The temporary shame I felt while sliding 3 large pieces of expensive cheesecake onto my dessert saucer was immediately deflected by the eternal reward of eating three large pieces of expensive cheesecake. (The bride's father specifically told me I could eat all I wanted, and I believed him.)
5. I got a great deal buying a $65 shirt for $20. The buttons on the way down spelled "BURTON." Unfortunately, the "R" fell off and has gone missing. Now it spells "BUTON," which means "Button" in spanish. Now spanish-speaking people will be able to clearly identify that my shirt has buttons.
6. My aunt and uncle let us stay at their place, which was very nice of them. I award upon them an honorable mention.

Upon the most uncomfortable trip home I've ever experienced, I was home for Christmas. I love Christmas. I had a wonderful time. Now that I'm home until early January my main focus will naturally be French kissing.

And that is why I have been busy. All I ask is that you forgive me and things go back to the way they were.

Here is a list of the movies I've seen recently and how I felt about them:

A. Tron - Good/Enjoyable. Not a critical gem, but I very much enjoyed it.
B. True Grit - Excellent. Incredible performances by all three leading men/lady.
C. The Fighter - Somewhere between Good and Excellent. This movie includes a character who I desperately wanted to light on fire. I wish she had spent the entire movie on fire. Woman on fire. Literally on fire.
D. Tangled - I really liked this show. Rapunzel may be my new favorite Disney princess.
E. Unstoppable - Somewhere between fine and good. I enjoyed it. This movie demonstrates how even something as fun as a totally unstoppable train can become a nuclear bomb so long as everything that could possibly ever go wrong does go wrong. Here is a synopsis:

Conductor: Denzel Washington, look, a runaway train.
Denzel Washington: I'm Denzel Washington.
Conductor: It's like a bomb.
Denzel Washington: I'll stop it.
Conductor: But it's (duh, duh, duh) UNSTOPPABLE!

Craig Blake: Human Butterfly Inside and Out

2010-12-04T16:01:00.012-07:00

Three days ago I got home to my apartment at 11:00 p.m. to find the following notice taped on my door:

ATTENTION RESIDENTS:

Tomorrow, Thursday December 2nd, the concrete will be poured on the walkways outside your apartments. Between 8:30 and 5:00pm you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GO INTO OR EXIT YOUR APARTMENT. I apologize for the short notice and appreciate your understanding.

Since I hadn't really made plans for this beforehand, and I knew there was absolutely zero chance of me escaping my apartment before 8:30 a.m., I pretty much condemned myself to a day trapped inside my apartment. For about two hours the next day there was a man outside my door in the act of troweling cement. I know, because I stood silently against my door and peered at him through the peep hole for a moment. This should teach you two lessons:

1. Be careful what you do, because you never know when someone might be watching.
2. Craig is probably watching you.

However, the main point of this is that when I finally emerged from my apartment after my 8 and 1/2 hours of house-arrest (Like a butterfly springs from a cocoon. I don't have video of me finally leaving my apartment, but here is a video that will help you understand the difficult yet liberating process I experienced), the cement outside my door was the same stained, cracked cement that was there before. I can give no explanation for what happened to me on Thursday. I feel like somehow I have been tricked. That man wasn't troweling after all. I cannot imagine what he was actually doing. Somehow my apartment manager has fooled me into remaining trapped inside my apartment for an entire day, and I don't understand why. First the constant jackhammering, now this. But in exchange they did give me a $10 gift card to Jordan's, a local pub. The 3/4 of a sandwich I can purchase with this valuable gift card will make it all worth it.

I also enjoy this line from the letter: "I apologize for the short notice and appreciate your understanding." Extending this kind of credit was probably a mistake, because I did not understand. I spent the entire day thinking, "What is going on!? I don't understand!" They presumed a little too much about my capacity to understand. I'm going to start taping these type of notices to the manager's office door:

Dear Managerial Staff,

I've started my apartment ablaze. I apologize for the short notice and appreciate your understanding.

OR

Dear Managerial Staff,

I have coated this paper in a venereal disease. I apologize for the short notice and appreciate your undersanding.

Anyway, I did survive, so it turns out everything is going to be okay. As I told a friend earlier, during the ordeal there was a moment when I was lying on the cold tile, shivering, naked, and starving, and I didn't think I was going to make it. Then I remembered I could go sit on the couch and turn on the heater. Then I remembered I also have tons of food and clothes. Suddenly survival didn't look so out of reach.

Change of topic - Very shortly: Today I was talking to some friends about Christmas. I love Christmas, and the more I talked about it the more excited I became. Although my finals schedule has kind of prevented me from getting in 100 percent Christmas spirit, a few friends of mine watched a Christmas movie last night at our friend Will's house. It was an excellent time, and my Christmas excitement has increased. Meanwhile, here is a Christmas song I recorded (without a proper microphone, so enjoy the static) two years ago and distributed to my friends and family. Please keep in mind no one but Craig was involved in the recording of this holiday gem.

Craig Blake - Baby It's Cold Outside

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

2010-11-21T14:57:00.015-07:00

Tomorrow I'm flying to Utah for Thanksgiving. I thought I was going to be excited about this, but as it turns out I'm actually INSANELY EXCITED. I am really looking forward to it. (For you Salt Lake City residents, I'm sorry to say I'll be in St. George. Looks like you'll have to wait until Christmas to seduce me.)

Since I'll be leaving Denver for a week, I want to ensure the city and the people here don't forget everything they love about Craig:

- His powerful thighs.
- His high cheek bones
- His tendency to engage in fisticuffs.
- He's a patriot and a champion.
- Lifting weights.
- U.S.A.

To help the people of Denver remember me, here is something I recorded on my computer the other day, originally made popular by the Shirelles:

Craig Blake - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

The crowd is fickle.

Anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to share a very condensed list of things I'm thankful for. Some of them will be so touching that you will feel totally touched. However, I'm going to severely limit these touching moments. I can't go around touching everyone all the time. What more do you want from me?

1. Tacos Don Rafa: This is a taco stand back home that I learn to appreciate more and more each time I leave Salt Lake City for an extended period of time. It's located on 800 South and State Street, facing east in the Sears parking lot, just in case you ever have a chance to visit. A good carnita taco is rare, just like The Last Unicorn. When I do get back to Salt Lake City, I'm going to get myself a good taco. When I go here, I know I won't have to eat a sweaty meat-cube taco. And that is worth my thanks.

"Look and see her, how she sparkles. It's the last unicorn! I'm aliiiiiiiiive. I'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive."
- The Last Unicorn

2. Finishing My Lawerying Process Memo: Today I finished my LP memo, and it made me sort of feel like I'm on a short vacation. Somehow, through my sometimes powerful tendency to procrastinate, I always manage to eventually force myself to finish important things. For the first time in a few months I don't feel like there is something really important that I must do right now. That is an excellent feeling. This way I don't have to spend any time brainstorming reasons why that thing isn't really THAT important.

3. Denver Law School Folk: I have truly met some excellent humans at DU. I wasn't distraught, but I wasn't necessarily ecstatic to get up and move to Colorado. I was happy for the opportunity, but it's always a bummer to leave home. The swell law students I have met have made it worth my while. If you live in Denver, go to law school, and are reading this, I'm probably talking about you specifically. Congratulations! Sure, why wouldn't I be?

4. Home Friends: Likewise, my friends from home are excellent people. The day before I left town, one group of friends got together and had a big dinner for me. Also, they passed around a card and stuffed it with money. One friend even gave me some art she painted. Another group threw me a surprise/not-so-surprise dinner. What grade-A citizens. I may have been the one awarded the Boy Scouts of America Citizenship in the Community merit badge at the age of 13, but you guys are the ones who really deserve it. (In this note I will also include my excellent family because I feel I'm going to exceed my touching limit.)

5. Chairs: Some of you might know that I spent somewhere between 3 and 4 weeks at my new apartment sleeping on a camping cot and sitting on my upside-down garbage can because I didn't have any furniture. I got used to the cot, but sitting on an upturned garbage can is not remotely comfortable. If chairs hadn't been invented, we would probably all be sitting on upside-down garbage cans today, and we'd all be totally pissed about it. Believe me.

6. Kittens: Aren't they adorable?

Craig's Current Interests

2010-11-15T12:05:00.013-07:00

My last post marked a historic moment in my blogging career: 40 posts in 2010. That means, up to that point, I had averaged one blog post per week. That is a huge accomplishment. Then I failed to blog for the next two weeks. Now I'm going to have to work extra hard to win back your trust, your hearts, and your lips.

Here are a few things I've been really interested in lately:

1. Campus P.D.

I was really surprised by my interest in Campus P.D., because it's just like watching COPS (something I hate doing) except nothing exciting ever happens.There are no car chases, no foot chases...basically it's just (mostly) terrible college students being written insignificant tickets. Somehow, the complete absence of exciting content is what makes Campus P.D. so much better than COPS for me.

It's like I've discovered a new interest in sitting in a barren room alone (something I usually hate doing) as long as I'm also being punched in the crotch by a giant.

It makes no sense at all, but I find myself watching Campus P.D. all the time. There is something very satisfying about watching horrible, 18-year old college kids getting citations for urinating in public. It makes me want to find a guy urinating in public who I can push into a bush when he is most vulnerable so I can feel a similar satisfaction first-hand.

Speaking of that particular citation, I can't help but think about how this law came to be. The fact that a law exists prohibiting "urinating in public," means that at some point in time, probably several points in time, some important people sat around an official-looking table in an expensive room and said, "We need to do something about people peeing all over the place."

2. Forcing People to Listen to Lou Bega

When I find myself with a captive audience, I like to turn on Mambo Number 5. No one is exactly sure how to react to Mambo Number 5, because they are going through this inner turmoil:

Mind: No! Must...reassert...contr...THE TRUMPET, aaaaAAAAH!
Body: Deploy the shimmy!

3. Turkey Pot Pies

The first year after moving out of my parent's house, I ate beef pot pies pretty much exclusively. A giant, 6-year old clump of beef pot pie is probably still hanging in my intestines, undigested. I gave up pot pies for a few years, but now I'm back, just with a different meat. At this point my diet probably consists of:

Turkey: 3%
Cat Meat: 22%
Batter: 75%
Gravy: 200%
Goop: Tonz

I made this pie graph to help you understand:

4. Sleepover Parties

Technically I've only had one sleepover party recently, but I realized how much I have been missing in the time between now and 9th grade. I went snowboarding this last weekend, and it was excellent. But I had a great time during our sort-of-impromptu sleepover party afterward as well. I don't understand why this isn't a more constant part of my life:

One Thing I'm Not Interested In:

On the snowboarding trip this last weekend, my friends and I dropped in on a Mexican restaurant with a sign promising us, "Real Mexican Food." I love real carnita tacos more than anything, but I feel like it's a huge risk to order them pretty much anywhere. I took my chances, and was rewarded by a horrible Suck Taco. ("Suck Taco" coined by Kirstin.) Instead of carnitas, it turned out to be some sort of meat cube suck taco I had to suffer through. There is a reason most restaurants don't advertise "Sweaty Meat Cubes" on their menu.

Anyway, in the end I accidentally left my take-home box at the restaurant. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't so much accidental as it was my subconscious protecting my mouth from further assault.

A Survey With a Song

2010-10-30T11:40:00.011-06:00

First of all, I occasionally write and record songs. If you didn't know this, surprise! Sometimes I post them on the Internet. I'm going to do that now. Please keep in mind I recorded this sitting at my desk with a microphone and pretty low-quality equipment, so it isn't perfect. Also, this is the first song I've ever used my keyboard, so that's nice. If you hate this song, I still expect you to give me praise.

Craig Blake - Clever Lucy

Second, I think it's about time I reminded everyone what Craig Blake stands for. Here are a few things I stand for:

Doing my best
Giving money to charities
Trying my hardest
Doing good deeds
Winning sports
Hard work
U.S.A.
Being the best me I can be

Anyway, here are some other things you can learn about me, so you can finally know what I stand for.

1. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I don't have a mole in a weird place. I have milky smooth skin. Like a princess.

2. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? I taught myself how to play the harmonica, and I enjoyed every sexy minute of it.

3. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? If you sit next to me in a movie theater, one thing is guaranteed: my tongue is going to be in your mouth for two hours. Let this be a warning to you all.

4. What body part do you wash first? - Every morning I lower my body horizontally into a vat of Lysol.

5. Do you have any peircings? I don't have any piercings. No one likes a sloppy speller.

6. What's the strangest talent you have? I'm really good at the Indian Pointer Game. I have never lost. If you challenge me at the Indian Pointer Game (or the Native American Pointer Game, as it is now called), I'll make you reconsider your self-worth. Here is me permanantly damaging the right arm of a female co-worker to prove my masculinity:

7. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie. A beautiful, milky smooth innie. Like a princess.

8. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? Sour Cream and Onion.

9. Have you ever been tied up? Only when I'm doing magic tricks...which is constantly. "Hey, want to see a magic trick? Great, tie me up!"

10. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? I think I got grounded last for staying out too late and playing Lord of the Rings: Risk at my future sister-in-law's house. I was Hell on wheels!

11. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I follow my heart. "You're sure to do impossible things, if you follow your heart. Your dreams will fly on magical wings, if you follow your heart." - Thumbelina.

12. Have you ever had two dates in one night? No, just one at a time. When you factor in the solid 2 hours of theater French kissing, two dates in one night isn't very practical.

13. How many times have you been cussed out? Only once, by a taxi driver in Tijuana. I decided not to take his taxi, because I knew he was going to leave me in the desert pants-less.

14. Which shoe do you put on first? I put on any shoe I damn well please.

15. How old are you? I'm 24. I'm a real man.

16. Is there one thing all of your ex's have had in common? They all think I have milky, smooth skin. Like a princess.

17. Did you french kiss anyone before you were 16? Who didn't I French kiss before I was 16? I was rushing around French kissing everyone. "Let's French kiss," I used to say.

18. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? I'm an Eagle Scout. I've also used my pants as a floatation device.

19. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
Craig
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

20. What was your childhood nickname? My brother called me Poof for many years because I had a haircut my mother picked out of a female haircut magazine. Wise decision.

21. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I'm trying to forget.

22. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? I DO TONS OF WEIRD STUFF! I'M SO WEIRD!!!!

23. How do you normally eat your cookies? Just like a regular human.

24. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? To match my shoes.

25. Name something you do when you're alone? Grand larson.

26. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? Considering I've never had a drink and I'm fairly thin, I'm going to say about 27.

27. How often do you clean out your ears? Every morning. I know people say q-tips are unhealthy, but I'm never going to stop! I'M HELL ON WHEELS!! HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!

28. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? I fold it into a beautiful origami crane to ensure total coverage.

27. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? Every hour, on the hour.

28. Do you have any strange phobias? No, I'm too brave to have a strange phobia. You freaking baby.

29. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? I'm very sensible in bars.

30. Have you ever played naked twister? No. When I play Twister I wear an asbestos suit to persuade the other players to leave the mat.

31. Have you ever been drunk at work? I've never been drunk at all.

32. Do you want to bring sexy back? I wanted to bring sexy back way before it was cool. I was always like, "Hey guys, do you want to bring sexy back?" Everyone was like, "Stupid idea, Craig."

I don't know if you noticed, but there were 32 questions. That's Karl Malone's number. I did this survey to honor Karl Malone. He will live on in our hearts forever. He will also live forever in reality, because he is immortal.

Final Note: I have a friend named Bridger who writes an excellent, very funny blog called Please Don't Tell People. Give it a look or regret it for the rest of your miserable life.

Rat Urine, Zombies, and Deception

2010-10-17T16:01:00.010-06:00

This post is going to cover several unrelated topics. Be an adult.

Today I read a case about a man who drowned in a pool of rat urine. I've tried my best to never drown in a pool of rat urine. So far, so good. There is no easy way to break that news: (read with morose voices)

Friend of the Deceased: What happened?
Lawyer: Well, he was simply swimming in a pool full of rat urine-
Friend of the Deceased: But he couldn't swim!
Lawyer: Yes, he drowned. He drowned in the pool of rat urine.

If you can't swim, the last place you should ever go willingly is a deep pool of rat urine. I can't imagine what this person was thinking, "Well, I'm a weak swimmer, and this is full of rat urine...CANNON BALL!"

Moving on.

It's nearly Halloween, and there is something that needs to be finally addressed publicly. There is a picture of a zombie floating around that looks exactly like me. Here is the picture:

Is that picture not incredibly uncanny? This is the mental conversation I had with myself when I first saw that, "There I am dressed as a zombie. Wait...I never did that...(brain explosion.)" - If you type "zombie" into a Google Image search, that picture is the second result. Incredible. I want to start putting that on my resume as evidence of an acting career.

Speaking of zombies, I'm pretty excited about the upcoming AMC series, "The Walking Dead." I know some people are a bit zombied out after the recent zombie-craze, but I am not. Please note Character Flaw B. At the end of most zombie movies I think, "Oh...it's over then? I was hoping there would be 22 more hours."

I'm hoping The Walking Dead can fill the hole in my heart that Heroes left when it forced me through two years of eye-ball scratching agony and then got itself cancelled. Here is the trailer. If you don't like it, then you have some growing up to do.

I like that the police officer in the trailer wears his police outfit throughout the trailer, even after the zombies show up. I'm hoping he does this because the zombies are wearing all of earth's remaining wardrobe finery. I like that story arc: "A small-town sherriff on a mission to wrestle an appropriate cocktail dress from the fashionable zombie horde."

Moving on.

The other day I had to go back and edit one thing in a post after some people had already commented on it. I really like that function. I like the idea of writing a perfectly nice blog, waiting for comments to come in, and then changing the content of the blog to something horribly offensive. That way I could write something or other, and maybe get this comment:

Candace Cameron says: Haha! I totally agree with you! I do that all the time!

And then I could change the blog post to say:

KILL PUPPIES!

Once Hollywood saw that, Candace Cameron's raging acting career would crumble.

Things No One Cares About

2010-10-07T19:00:00.009-06:00

Today I got home from school and spent the next two hours sitting on my couch, trying to forget that I was in law school. This is a time-honored stress-reduction method I used during my undergrad. During my acquisition of an English degree I would occasionally come home, slump over my couch, and pretend I had nothing important to do. I once watched nearly an entire season of The Biggest Loser on the Oxygen network in one sitting during one of these sessions.

This blog post is an attempt to extend the amount of time I can waste denying reality. I just don't want to read case law right now.

Today I was shuffling through some of my character flaws, and I'd like to focus on one of them:

A. I'm usually pretty good at things that no one cares about.

This is kind of a shame. I wouldn't mind being naturally talented at a few things people care about, like basketball, break dancing, sewing, carving nudes, etc. People care about those things. It is my greatest anxiety that people occasionally think, "Craig would be cooler if he could carve a nude. I doubt that idiot has carved a single nude in his entire life."

I think this character flaw works hand-in-hand with character flaw B:

B. I'm easily attached to anything I like, and I'm very comfortable with repeating that thing over, and over again.

For example, I love Ultimate Frisbee. There was a time in my life (two summers ago) that a large group of people loved playing Ultimate Frisbee as well. Unfortunately, most everyone else quickly lost interest after the first several months of Ultimate Frisbee, which was tough on me, since I was perfectly happy to play Ultimate Frisbee with the same people, on the same field, once a week, every week for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, the combination of character flaw A and character flaw B usually means I'm very interested in doing all kinds of things no one else wants to do. Here is a short list of some of those things:

Things Craig Are Good At

1. The Limbo (and other party games) - I love the Limbo. I'm pretty incredible at the Limbo. In fact, I wouldn't mind expanding this to party games in general. The reason I'm better at party games than nearly anyone is because no one has ever cared to excel at party games as much as me. That is actually the same reason why I'm better at all things that no one cares about; because there are people out there who want to be good at football. But no one is as determined to be the best at finding a Starburst hidden in a pile of flour with just his mouth as I am. When I'm engaged in a party game, I have the advantage of knowing that no one cares about winning as much as I do.

2. Mechanical Bull Riding - Most people ride mechanical bulls to have fun with their friends. I ride mechanical bulls to prove my thighs are stronger than yours. If there is one thing I value, it's building a reputation for my thighs.

3. Mafia - This is a game you play with a large group that basically results in people loudly arguing with each other. I am good at this game because I'm way more willing than others to make people hate me in order to win. Not to mention, I'm wildly persuasive. I could persuade you out of your pants. That's why I went to law school. I want to go into pants law. - "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please relinquish your pants."

4. Karaoke - Contrary to popular belief, you don't need a incredible voice to excel at karaoke. What you need is loads of enthusiasm. I spent years horrified of karaoke, and just last year realized it is pretty much the only thing I care about. I will sing right into your face until your ears explode.

6. Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup - I know I've discussed this before, but I honestly could be the best Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup player on this planet, because I might be the only person on this planet who ever cared to play this very mediocre, 7 year-old Playstation 2 game. I recently told a friend that I wish Harry Potter was a liquid, so I could just lie around in it. This is one of my attempts to do that.

Anyway, I'm good at a few other things, but they are equally obsolete as the things I've already talked about.

Final Note:
- My friend Melissa has an excellent blog. She recently wrote a post that I think was really great. Hopefully she'll continue writing more often.

Do What the Panda Says

2010-10-04T21:18:00.002-06:00

Get a load of THIS!

I think that's a pretty good series of commercials.

I'd like to remind you again, my friend Bridger began a blog called Please Don't Tell People. It's a really great idea, and if you don't get on board, you'll be behaving like a child.

That's all I have for you today. I'm mentally exausted. Posting that video and typing the last few tiny sentences mentally exausted me.

Law School Corner - Consideration

2010-09-27T19:39:00.014-06:00

Hey there everyone. I have recently gotten sick. I don't know exactly how it happened, but this all began after I went to an event featuring dueling pianos. The concept is that you have two guys and two pianos, and they play and sing basically any song that is requested and the audience sings along, including me. Just know this: when I sing along, I SING ALONG. I am serious about singing along.

Immediately after the dueling pianos party, my throat began to get itchy until yesterday, when I turned into a giant, sweaty, burning hot, wet mess all over my body. I think I might have caught a contagious, disgusting disease by singing. Last night I woke up 4 times in the middle of the night. I tell you this mostly so you will feel bad for me and give me attention.

Now, let me tell you a little bit about going to law school.

Here is a handy fact I picked up the other day that you could apply in your very own life. Today's lesson: Consideration. Consideration is an aspect of Contract law. Contrary to common believe, a contract can be formed without a written document. Most contracts can be simply oral promises, so watch your back.

Consideration is a concept that helps courts decide whether or not a promise is enforceable. So although a promise might have been made, the law will basically say it can't be enforced unless it has consideration.

The quickest test to gauge if consideration exists is the Bargain-Exchange Method:

1. Did the promisor make the promise in order to induce the promisee to do (or not do) something?

2. Did the promisee do (or not do) that thing in order to recieve the promise made by the promisor?

Here is an example of a promise where there is consideration, and is thus enforceable:

Promisor: Hey Craig, if you give me your Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman DVD's, I will give you my authentic mountain man outfit.

Craig: You've got yourself a deal! What a fool! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In this example, the Promisor makes a promise to give me his mountain man outfit in order to induce me to give him my Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman DVD's. In turn, I am giving him my Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman DVD's so that he will give me his mountain man outfit. In this case, there is consideration and either side could sue if either of us failed to live up to our promises.

Here is an example of a promise where there is no consideration:

Promisor: Tell you what Craig, take my authentic mountain man outfit. You need it more than I do.

Craig: You've got yourself a deal. What a fool! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In this case, I didn't do anything in order to get the promisor to give me his authentic mountain man suit, and he isn't giving it to me in order to induce me to do anything. Thus, there is no consideration and he is not legally obligated to give me his mountain man suit. If he decides later, "Gee, this mountain man outfit really apeals to my wacky sense of style. Craig can rot in Hell, without so much as an authentic mountain man outfit!" then I have no legal recourse to get him to give me his mountain man outfit.

Obviously these examples are pretty simple, but for more difficult cases, you still apply the same Bargain-Exchange Method. Basically, consideration ensures you don't make a gratuitious promise, like offering to give a gift, and then get sued for never doing so. This is good news for me, because no one can sue me to collect on all the French kisses I have promised in the past.

Meanwhile, I have somehow tricked you to read law school curriculum. Now, don't you feel like a fool?

Anyway, we'll see if anyone finds this interesting. This is a Law School Corner test run. What I learned from the last post is that if I leave anything on the Internet long enough, I can even get two comments without resorting to dancing like a fool, alone in my apartment.

Final Note: There are some exceptions when a promise is still enforceable, even without consideration. I'm not going to talk about them. Just know these exceptions are likely perilously hanging over your head, waiting to crush your soul. If you only promise to French kiss a few people, you'll probably be safe. French kissing is the number one issue clogging our litigation system.

Hats Off to Fashion and Charm

2010-09-16T22:19:00.009-06:00

Today I watched some Project Runway. The main principal of Project Runway is that every time Craig says, "That's a dumb hat," Heidi Klum says, "What a fashionable hat!" Apparently, these hats...

...aren't dumb hats, they are actually really, really cool hats. Turns out wearing an inverted umbrella on your head is a really sleek fashion. So many opportunities wasted. I'm sure I'm not alone. How many rust ceramics have you failed to strap to your face? How many times have you given up the chance to wear a humongous polyester flower on your head? Now, don't you feel like a fool?

Anyway, I feel like a lot of blog-worthy thoughts have been zooming by lately, but I have struggled to remember them. Despite the fact that I occasionlly take time out of my busy schedule to film and edit instructional sexy dancing videos, I'm actually fairly busy lately. I can't just dance sexily all the time. I have to attend school now so I can protect a future full of seduction. Putting that sexy, sexy future in peril is my greatest anxiety.

Meanwhile, my friend Elizabeth recently posted a song I thought was very charming. So I've gathered 5 charming songs total. Prepare to be charmed. (3 of the 5 were made public by Elizabeth, and I am riding her coattails, figuratively and literally. Elizabeth wears the finest penguin-tail tuxedos.) You are about to be charmed to shreds:

1. The Zombies - The Way I Feel Inside

2. Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters - Tonight You Belong to Me

3. The Beatles - Honey Pie

4. Zooey Deschanel - Hello Dolly

Kyu Sakamoto - Ue O Muite Aruko

The Art of Seduction

2010-09-08T21:35:00.009-06:00

This morning I was watching CNN while I ate a bowl of Apple Zingers, because I'm an adult. The good news is nothing terrible happened in the world yesterday or this morning. I could tell, because the news anchors were focusing on the following two stories:

1. A wakeboarding dog.
2. Researchers at the University of Northumberland have discovered which dance moves women find most attractive.

It's times like these that I'm grateful for research universities. These guys have really cut to the root of the problem: What use is curing Cancer if men are incapable of getting out on the dance floor and turning women on?

This is an effective use of science. Well, men who read this blog, I have some instructional videos for you. Women who read this blog, prepare to be totally turned on. The videos will be as follows:

1. The original digital rendering video straight from the University of Northumberland, including a commentary by a man who clearly knows how to seductively move his body.

2. Another digital rendering video featuring music, so you can get a better idea how you should be moving in the real world.

3. A real, live demonstration of the Northumberland Sexy Dance Techniques by me.

Here you are:

1. Original Video:

2. Spicy Video:

3. Craig's Video:

What I've learned is that when it comes to impressing women with your dance moves, you have to go big. The University of Northumberland, the dance capital of the world, would know.

The Drunker You Are, The Better I Dance

2010-08-24T16:28:00.005-06:00

When I moved to Denver from Salt Lake City, I realized that people might be hesitantly curious about my religion of choice after I told them, "I'm from Utah." And although it's pretty obvious, I guess I didn't really think about how significant that is. To at least a few people, I am now, "the Mormon guy," which isn't really how I've ever characterized myself in the past. This brings up a few interesting situations. Being Mormon in Salt Lake City isn't really a very interesting thing to be. In fact, being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (obligatory full name reference) is common enough in Utah that even if I hadn't been a member, people probably would have assumed I was. Being Mormon in Denver is apparently more interesting.

Anyway, one of these situations is bar hopping. Now, just in case I am about to be accused of naivety by a non-Mormon reader of the blog ("What!? Do they not teach you about bars in sunday school!? HAHAHAHA! HA! HA! HA!"), I'm not shocked by an outing to a bar. I've been to bars before. But considering I don't drink, if I go to a bar, I usually go to see a band play. ("I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis" - The Most Interesting Man in the World.) Since I can acquire a Dr. Pepper pretty much anywhere, the soda selection at a bar isn't really a hook for me.

Case in point: partying at a bar isn't something I generally spend loads of time doing. However, I did do it last weekend, and I had a great time. (Notice to people concerned about my Mormon-ness: Mormon-ness stable. Dr. Pepper consumption increased. Put all your fears to rest.) In fact, having a Mormon at a bar is pretty convenient, because everyone can drink as much as they want and still catch a ride home.

The second reason I don't usually go to bars, aside from the fact that I don't drink, is I'm not much of a dancer in the terms of "dancing at a bar." I can lay out a pretty mean Merengue, I can do the Cha Cha (thanks Ballroom Dance 1!), but when it comes to grinding my pelvis against someone else or just looking like a cool guy as I bounce to hip-hop music, let's face it, I'm doomed to failure. I don't ever expect to be dancing at a bar and for someone to think, "Cool dance!" or "I hope he brings that pelvis over here." That is why I'm grateful that most people in a bar are drunk or getting drunk. The drunker everyone else is, the harder it is to detect that I can't dance.

They're thinking: "Wow, that guy looked like a total fool a few hours ago, but now he's a dancing maniac!"

I'm thinking: "Drink up!"

Anyway, that is the major topic of discussion today. A few unrelated thoughts:

- If your name is Lulu B. Mcgee, fate has dealt you a bitter hand.

- I've had a major craving for Oreos lately. After basically ignoring Oreos for almost my entire life, I suddenly really want to eat Oreos.

- Now that I live in a studio apartment, I've gained the confidence to sing at the top of my lungs whenever I want, even though I know the walls are super thin.

Have You Thought of Craig Lately?

2010-08-18T21:47:00.006-06:00

My friend Elizabeth suggested I fill out another one of these surveys. I thought that was a good idea, because it's about time I reminded people what I'm all about. These are some of the things I'm about:

Family Values
Freedom of the Press
The American Way
Being a Team Player
Getting Along
Team Work
Clean Fun
Working Together
Being Champions

Anyway, I filled out the rest of these questions to remind you about everything else I'm about. Also, my friend Bridger recently invented a genius web site called Please Don't Tell People. I think it is an absolutely brilliant idea. If you don't look at it now, people will tell you about it later and you'll feel like a total doofus.

And now I present to you, information about me! --

1. When's the last time you ran? - Two weeks ago, honestly. I ran playing Ultimate Frisbee two weeks ago. Now that Ultimate Frisbee, my only mode of exercise, has left my life, I can't think of any reason why my body won't atrophy and eventually crumble into a pile of dust.

2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? I have a full armoire packed to the brim with crisp, unused Kangaroo Jncos.

3. What are you dreading right now? I'm not dreading anything at the moment. I feel pretty calm about most everything. Whatever sinister force is out there creeping ever-closer to my eventual destruction is being really sneaky about it.

4. Do you celebrate 420? It is my special privilege, once a year, to celebrate the day Gerald Ford reported for active duty in the U.S. Navy in 1942. I wake up early on April 20 each year, wave an American flag and scream, "Give 'em Hell, Gerald!"

5. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? I really try to get 8 hours of sleep a night. Usually if I don't it's because I was doing something completely worthless that prevented it from happening. Sometimes I prefer just to stay awake because I think of all the things I have to do the next day and think, "If I go to bed, I'm going to have to do that stuff pretty much immediately."

6. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? - I'd be like, "Hey man, it's my lazy day. That's why I'm lying in this hammock."

7. Who last grabbed your ass? Myself. I just reached behind me and gave my butt a nice, firm squeeze.

8. Have you ever been on your school's track team? - I have indeed. I ran an awful lot. I threw-up after more races during track season than any other season.

9. Do you own a pair of Converse? I sure don't.

10. Did you copy and paste this survey? No, I entered each letter painstakingly into an ink printing press.

11. Do you eat raw cookie dough? I wouldn't say I do this enough to consider it, "something I do." But I have done this. To save money, I usually just slip the lid off the top while still in the store, lick my sopping wet tongue across the surface of the delicious raw cookie dough and pop the top back on.

12. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? - I don't think so, but I have punched a vending machine. I'm a gentleman, and gentleman do not kick. Gentleman engage in fisticuffs.

13. Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? I spent nearly an entire year listening to the oldies station, and I was disappointed by how little variety they had. Now I can never really listen to Boston again.

14. Do you watch Trading Spaces? - I've never watched it even once. If Trading Spaces suddenly disappeared, I'd never say, "Hey! What ever happened to Trading Spaces?!"

15. How do you eat oreos? - Just like I'd eat any other cookie. It can't expect any special treatment from me.

16. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? - Often I lay in wait for days until I see someone pop up in gchat, then I pounce, "Hi!"

17. Are you cocky? - I don't think I'm even remotely cocky. But I do think I'm fairly sure of myself when it comes to my opinion, which can be a little irritating, I'm sure.

18. Could you live without a computer? Yeah, but I'd be upset all the time. I'd be walking around thinking, "Everyone else has a computer! Why in the hell don't I have one?"

19. Do you wear your shoes in the house? I usually do. Don't you? Momma's boy?

20. Who or what sleeps with you? Every night I snuggle up with a musty, wild elk. But every morning I wake up alone.

21. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? This is an irresponsible question, and I won't participate.

22. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? Just one. Just the one I own.

23. What do you do when you're sad? I act as though I am not sad, so it is very hard to detect.

24. Who would you call first if you won the lottery? My brother, Curtis.

25. Last time you saw your best friend? - Before I left for Denver. And now I see them every night in my DREAMS! Hahahah! Ha! Haha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! HA!

26. Are you in high school? No. But I could probably still pass through a highschool undetected thanks to my youthful appearance.

27. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? The second I acquire a girlfriend I will begin slipping into her finery. Enough of these drab t-shirts and jeans! Hello summer dresses and cardigans!

28. Where do you work? I don't have a job anymore. I recently applied for loads of free money! Now I don't have to work ever again!

29. What are you doing tomorrow? I'm going to try my best! I'm going to live life to the fullest! I'm going to dream big! I'm going to drink life from a hose! Literally nothing stands in my way! My life starts tomorrow!

30. Favorite name for a girl? Vunnuhtie

31. Favorite name for a boy? Vanatee

32. Will you keep your last name when you get married? Yes, but I will be changing my first name to my wife's first name. I just want to be fair.

33. When was the last time you left your house? It was hours ago.

34. Do you return your cart? Returning my cart is one of the things I do that validates the fact that I haven't been murdered yet.

35. Do you have a dishwasher? No. I haven't had a dishwasher for years. I eat my meals right off the kitchen floor so I don't have to do my dishes by hand. I slop my food onto the floor, slop it into my mouth, and then scrub the kitchen floor until it is spotless.

36. What noise do you hear? Not a sound can be heard.

37. Would you survive in prison? Yes, I'm a survivor. But I'd be pissed all the time. I'd be like, "Everyone else has a computer! Why the hell don't I have a computer?"

38. Who is the youngest in your family? My little sister is 10 years old. She is a diamond in the rough, just like Aladdin.

39. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likey overpack? Craig no likey when friend's overpack!

40. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? The doctor who delivered me is named Craig. He's a family friend. I'm named after Craig.

41. What's the last thing you purchased? I bought a French Dip yesterday. It was pretty good. It's not a problem either, because I bought it with all the free money I was recently given.

42. What song best describes your life right now? Love You Tender by Ohjaaja

I love you, I want to love you tender
You could be my only sweet surrender
I would never bring you any kind of sorrow
You love me, you wanna love me tender
How can I be sure you're not pretender
You want me today, but what about tomorrow!

Oh, you're absolutely fine! Your lips are taste of wine! I like to think you're mine!
And if I could touch your hand, this rock would turn to sand! So this is where we stand!

Sweet, sweet words.

43. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? When I go out on the town, I coat my body in the odor of bat pheremones. Women are naturally attracted to bat pheremones. That's why so many women are having passionate trysts with bats.

44. Are you taking college classes right now? Today I finished my third day of law school in Denver. Nothing horrible has happened to me yet, but it's only a matter of time.

45. Do you like sushi? I will eat sushi, I think sushi is fine, but I'm not drooling all over myself to eat sushi. I think a huge number of people who, "LOVE! SUSHI!" actually think sushi is just okay.

46. Do you get your hair cut every month? I usually go 2 or 3 months and then decide, "I look totally ridiculous. I'm a hideous floppy mess!" Then I wait another 2 weeks and get a haircut.

Editor's Note: Please notify Craig as to the date of your Denver vacation as soon as possible.

I Live in Denver Now

2010-08-12T16:08:00.010-06:00

Well, I officially live in Denver. I signed a lease. I plugged in my television. I bought a shower curtain. Those are the three domestic things I've done that, I think, qualify me as a resident of Colorado. Thus far most of my meals have been provided by my law orientation, which is good, because all I have is cereal and pb&j sandwich materials. Another fun fact about my situation is that I have no furniture. My condition is as follows:

- I'm sleeping on a camping cot.

- My computer desk = a dinner tray

- My TV stand = another dinner tray

- I'm sitting on an upside-down garbage can right now.

I've been so busy getting to know the city. Here are some of the fun things I've done -

I met the Denver Broncos Cheerleaders:

I enjoyed the outdoors:

I saw the big city:

I hung out at the law school:

Anyway, my apartment is actually pretty nice. It's a studio apartment, but it has a long hallway, and a walk-in closet. Plus, since I don't have any furniture, I have plenty of room. If my family never brings out my furniture, I might move into the walk-in closet and rent out the room and kitchen area.

One last thing. On the way here I saw an ad for a hotel that I thought was kind of fun. I can't remember the city, but for the purposes of this demonstration, we'll call it Stinking Hell Holeburg. In Sticking Hell Holeburg they have a sign that says, "Honey, let's stay at the Econolodge in Stinking Hell Holeburg, because there isn't any other lodging for 102 miles!" I thought this was a pretty honest approach to a business. It's like they got together and said, "Let's face it, this place totally sucks...we have nothing to offer customers except that we exist." I wish they went all the way and finished it off with "...and if we don't find shelter, we could be killed." I would love a restaurant based on this concept: "Honey, let's eat Ox Balls at the Poo Barn Buffet, because there isn't another restaurant for 102 miles! If we don't eat something we will starve and die."

Seriously, last thing: the drive to Denver was actually pretty nice. I rode the I-70 from St. George. Once I got out of the desert I'm pretty sure I just drove through Park City about 5 times and I was here. Then I had the ordeal of driving around the boonies of Denver for an hour and a half, thanks to Mapquest. But that is another story. Maybe I'll tell you about it one day!

Tire Trouble and Nazi Flying Saucers

2010-08-02T11:16:00.003-06:00

In the last three days I have gotten 3 tire leaks in 3 of my car tires. I had 2 patched, but apparently one is un-patchable. Now I need new tires, and I'm driving around on a spare. Also, today I was told my 1991 Honda Accord's "control arm" is going out, which could cause me to lose control at high speeds. I then drove to work, positive that all four tires were about to explode simultaneously, and then my faulty "control arm" would start my body on fire. I'm living on the edge!

On one hand I think, "At least all these things are happening to my car before I drive to Denver." On the other hand I think,"S@#%!!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!! (Air punching)"

The other day I learned about a really bizarre Nazi religion. It's called Tempelhofgesellschaft, which according to Yahoo translator, means "Tempelhof company." You might be familiar with these other German companies: Microsoftgesellschaft, Kraftgesellschaft, and LA Stylesgesellschaft.

Anyway, here is a description straight from the Wikipedia page about Tempelhofgesellschaft:

They distribute pamphlets claiming that the Aryan race originally came to Atlantis from the star Aldebaran(this information is supposedly based on "ancient Sumerian manuscripts"). They maintain that the Aryans from Aldebaran derive their power from the vril energy of the Black Sun. They teach that since the Aryan race is of extraterrestrial origin (cf. Nordic aliens), it has a divine mission to dominate all the other races. It is believed by adherents of this religion that an enormous space fleet is on its way to Earth from Aldebaran which, when it arrives, will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica to establish the Western Imperium.

I have confirmed the accuracy of this Wikipedia entry by 2 other Google searches. Findings: accuracy confirmed. This religion is still practiced today.

Now, I'm not one to mock the religions of others, but it should be a pretty clear indicator that you have made a horrible mistake when an integral part of your core religious beliefs include the sentence, "will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."

For example, here are some other religions, amplified by this super-charged line of religious genius:

- "The earth will be baptized in flame and the righteous will be carried into heaven, where they will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "When you die, you will be born again as a squirrel, or a dog, or possibly a horse. Then you will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "The moment you reach Nirvana is the very moment you will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."
- "Conflict will break out in the valley of Armageddon, and the armies will join forces with Nazi flying saucers from Antarctica."

Another chink in the armor of Tempelhofgesellschaft is that everyone knows Atlantis was actually populated by psychic mermaids.

Editor's Note: I'm leaving town for good on Thursday afternoon. Use this opportunity to give me more attention and affection than usual. If you ever wanted to give me a French kiss, the time is now.

Craig goes to Denver and Other Tales

2010-07-23T10:07:00.008-06:00

Turns out I'm not a total failure. Surprise! Turns out I'm a HUGE SUCCESS!

Although it's going to be hard to turn away from the hopeless cocaine addiction I was planning to get involved with this Fall, I'm going to law school instead. Just four days after writing the last blog post about my hopes to get accepted to a law school, I was pulled off the waiting list and accepted to the University of Denver, Sturm College of Law. It just goes to show that the universe is, in fact, on my side. Plus, I was accepted to DU on my birthday, which just goes to show that the universe is, in fact, mindful of my birthday. Also, my horoscope today said I should plan a dinner with an intimate lover tonight, because I'll like the results. That just goes to show that the universe has, in fact, confused me with someone else.

Anyway, I now have a huge amount of things to get together in a very short period of time. I need to be living in Denver by August 9 at the very latest. That's kind of hard to believe. Just about anyone else who is going to this school had all summer to prepare. I have 3 weeks. I need to move to Denver for 3 years to attend law school in about the same time frame it took me and 11 others to plan a weekend trip to Moab. If you were planning to confess your undying love for me, you are running out of time.

Other than law school, I've thought of a few other things recently. I have clearly marked them with large, bolded letters:

You might already know this, but I have had cornea transplants in each of my eyes. Recently I had a big suture pulled out of my right eye, and I'm taking a good number of eye drops at the moment. The other day I realized the names of my eye drops sound like the names of stock science fiction villains: Besivance and Vigamox. I think they could possibly be an evil married couple –

Vigamox: Besivance, I love you, you tricksy, evil vixen!
Besivance: And I love you Vigamox, you evil guy!

I also imagine they fly around in a spaceship named after my lubricant drops, "The Systane Ultra," in an evil scheme to gather a valuable natural resource named after my anti-rejection drops, Omnipred.

Vigamox: Hahahahaha! Soon, we'll have all the Omnipred in the galaxy! Just imagine that!
Besivance: I am imagining it! What an evil scheme!

Here is a picture of them making away with a stash of Omnipred they stole from a space gorilla:

Last night it came to my attention that cows are incapable of walking backwards down a flight of stairs. I wonder who discovered this fact of nature: "All right, now that we have successfully coaxed the cow up the stairs, let's just back him back down the stairs. Wait a minute, it appears we have a problem." That guy probably warned all his friends, "Whatever you do, don't take your cows upstairs!"

Discovering this inconvenience was probably like the guy who discovered those lizards that can run on water, "Hahahaha! Now that I've dug a watery moat around these adorable lizards, they will be mine forever!"

Anyway, I think I'll wrap this post up. If you know of anyone in Denver that I could live with, or has a cheap room available, you let me know. Meanwhile, here is a song I think is kind of fun.

I am a Hot Mess

2010-07-15T21:51:00.016-06:00

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Let me introduce you to the most topical anxiety of Craig Blake's summer: my horribly questionable future. That's right, I've got a horribly questionable future. Here is the current state of my emotional well-being:

It's a metaphor, you see. At the moment I am on three law school waiting lists. And although I've attempted to keep my hopes fairly low, I'm still crossing my fingers that I will be accepted to at least one of the remaining three schools any day now. This has become a problem because I have no idea what to expect out of the next three years, and especially the next year, of my life. I could get a phone call at any moment and move to another state in just a few weeks, or I could not get a phone call and dramatically increase my cocaine intake to drown the pain of personal failure. Either way, I win! (Disclaimer: I don't do cocaine. If I don't get into law school, I will not do any cocaine. But I might spend one weekend alone eating ice cream in the middle of the night and watching While You Were Sleeping.)

This has made it pretty tough for me to make any decisions in my life that range from a "moderate" to "mega-hard" difficulty level. At the outset of nearly any decision, I think, "Well, what if I move?" In fact, I think it has even impeded my ability to make decisions that don't have an awful lot to do with anything. Those used to be my favorite decisions. I am in limbo, and I have been for months. It is a terrible place to be. Take, for example, Rasputin from Anastasia. He hated living in Limbo. He even sang a whole song about it.

Anyway, I had a whole plan to write about my recent victory as the 14th of July 2010 champion (51 runs down the slip 'n' slide) or confess my true feelings about Lana Lang from Smallville (not as rosy-colored as you might think. I've been eyeing Ms. Lang with a very critical eye. Very interesting!) I had a whole list of things to write about. I wrote this instead. This way, if I'm still living in Salt Lake in two months, you will have enough information to taunt me about my recent failures.

In other news, my birthday is on Monday, July 19. I'll be turning 24. I'm not completely sure what I'm going to do, but I haven't ruled taping a pack of sparklers to my old scooter, lighting it on fire and pushing it off a building. Actually, yes I have. I'm back to having no real plans. Anyway, feel completely welcome to shower me with unusual amounts of attention.

In the meantime, please enjoy the most underrated song by the Beach Boys!

Extra Credit: Here is something I wrote for my work. It's a blog. It's a fun time. Look at it if you want.

Rejected SEO Copy: Episode 2

2010-07-08T21:53:00.007-06:00

I've been hard at work writing even more bits of SEO copy that I couldn't possibly use. I'm often assigned specific topics for a period of time, which is why there are repeating themes. Here are some of the things I've typed in moments where I feel I'm about to spiral into permanant insanity:

- Do you need to find a unique gift? Are you looking for a way to let everyone know that you are a sports fan? Have you started a collection of sports memorabilia that you want to build? Do you want to get a baseball card? Do you have a football at your house? Have you gone to the Super Bowl? Do you like to make baskets? Will you train hard to be the best? Do you kick the ball? Is that your favorite sport? Do you play games? Want a basketball ticket? Want to watch the big game? Do you make the play? With a wide variety of sports collectibles reflecting all sorts of interests...

- Place sports collectibles on your wife's nightstand, or slip some sports memorabilia into her purse to remind her that you love her.

- Here's a tip: many athletes are more likely to go out of their way to autograph collectibles for women who don't mind being sexually harassed.

- You might have friends who also enjoy this hobby, or you can meet people at hobby stores, on the Internet or narrow alleys downtown who want to trade sports cards.

- Warning: Kids, if you meet someone who wants to trade cards on the Internet, your dumb parents will probably try to ruin the whole deal. Don't tell them anything! Meet the stranger in a location you are positive your parents will never suspect. Parents are ALWAYS getting in the way of good card trades.

- If you have acquired some valuable sports cards, store them in a sopping wet shoebox for safe keeping.

- No matter what kind of sports collectibles you have, make sure they are displayed out of direct sunlight. Always keep your windows closed, and invite kids from the neighborhood to come see your sports collectibles in your dark lair, away from prying eyes.

- Light your bed, ON FIRE!

- Thanks to their excellent zoom, binoculars open up a world otherwise beyond the human eye. You can look at a waterfall.

- While playing a competitive or recreational tennis match, you'll want to be wearing a pair of French-cut black lace panties...no exceptions. Even you grandpa.

- It's called a master bedroom for a reason, so take control of your wife and children's lives with malicious mind games hatched on your king bed.

- Whether you are looking for a more traditional convertible sofa or some modern futon beds, we have you covered. Just don't ask how we've done it. You get what you want, we get what we want. Don't go nosing around where you don't belong.

- No woman should be without at least one leather bag or purse. Now give me your purse, you crazy old bat!

- Elliptical machines weren't made to be abused by a bunch of stupid kids. Abort your fetus before it grows into a horrible, stupid kid who will totally screw up your elliptical trainer.

- When you are trying to figure out how to use your storage bench, consider using it as a cash cache. Fill your storage bench with loose bills. In fact, fill your storage bench with priceless valuables, like DIAMONDS! GLITTERING PRIZES!

- Porridge Bench: Your kids' favorite bench will become your brand new porridge storage bench. Just slop a bunch of porridge into the bench for your children to lick up whenever they want. Kids love porridge!

- The large size of king beds allows sleepers to thrash about in the night, arms flailing dangerously in their tormented sleep without doing any long-term damage to the bed frame.

Editor's Note: As a part of my job I'm able to co-write a blog with my friend Bridger under the pen name of Meredith Boone. We are given a good amount of freedom as long as we use certain keywords in the copy. Some of them are pretty fun to read. Give them a look here. You can tell which ones I wrote and which ones Bridger wrote because his are generally quite a bit more funny than mine. We've even written some together! Imagine that!

Extra Credit: Here are two songs I think are worth your while. Listen to them if you want.

A Word on Music, Please

2010-06-29T22:23:00.017-06:00

The other day someone got into my car in the middle of the night and stole 14 burned CDs. Nothing else was stolen, just 14 burned CDs. That's my kind of criminal. In fact, if they had asked me, I honestly would have given them all 14 CDs. I'm just overjoyed they didn't break my window to steal my pirated music. However, I've solved the problem of future thefts with this:

After I devised this trap, I left it on my passenger seat, where the stolen CDs once were. It is only a matter of time until I find the bandit immobilized by my trap.

Anyway, I've been somewhat focused on music lately. Since I've been working at my new job, I spend a huge portion of the day with headphones over my ears. As such, my appetite to find new music has increased. I always enjoy new music, but lately I have needed a pretty steady source of incoming music I haven't already heard a million times. I thought I'd share a few of the songs I've found lately. I think these recent discovers (although most of them aren't really all that new) have something for everyone, unless you love A Perfect Circle. If you are really into A Perfect Circle, you are beyond my help, and indeed, all help. Here are some songs I like:

If you like songs that are old, but really great:

Del Shannon - Misery

If you just want to have a great time when you listen to songs:

Heartless Bastards - New Resolution

Roll the Tanks - Gameshow Love

Born Ruffians - Hummingbird

If you like songs with girl singers:

Submarines - You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie

If you like your songs sung softly, but with a nice beat:

The Tellers - More

If you like songs about chocolate and girls:

The Undertones - More Songs About Chocolate and Girls

The Undertones - Get Over You

If you like songs Craig listens to on repeat dozens of times:

Super Furry Animals - Run Away

If you like songs you can tap your foot to:

Magnetic Fields - Long-Forgotton Fairytale

The Rapture - Don Go Do It

Grandaddy - Elevate Myself

Rejected SEO Copy

2010-06-20T12:53:00.010-06:00

As I've mentioned before, I am now an SEO Copywriter. I write copy that is intended to guide traffic to the website for many different products. Anyway, this means I spend huge amounts of time sitting around typing things, and sometimes I get tired. When I get tired, I usually just start typing things I know can't possibly be used. Here are the most recent rejected lines of SEO copy I have produced, detached from the buying guides they were intended to match. I think you'll get the best experience out of this blog if you imagine me sitting at my desk, in the middle of a project. Also, there is a Ludacris reference buried in here. Find it, and you'll finally be happy --

- Hinges on wardrobe armoires are built to endure constant use, but you can extend their life through proper maintenance. Here are a few tips on making sure the hinges on your 2 drawer armoire last until the earth is baptized in flame, and the righteous are carried up into heaven.

- Here are some bits of information that might make you look at bath vanities differently...perhaps romantically.

- The best part about a portable air conditioner is that it will keep you cold. Aside from that, it's pretty worthless. Try using it for just about anything else and you'll almost certainly be disappointed.

- Using portable air conditioners correctly will ensure they are always there to bathe your nude body with cool air.

- Ice making machines are pretty easy to operate and maintain because most of their functions are completely automated. If you have any trouble operating your portable ice maker, it's because you are inadequate.

- Modern day vacuums are in-the-know frankenstinian-politico-hipster devices popular among young, urban professionals.

- For thousands of years, vases have been used for their practical use and for their natural beauty as display items. Want some candle holders? Then you're barking up the wrong tree, pal. This thing is about vases.

- If you are low on funds, save cash by telling friends and family you are decorating with invisible vases. Visitors will appreciate your futuristic sense of style, and you'll love hoodwinking them time and time again.

- If you don't know what to do, try filling your vases with ice cream. See how that works out for you.

- Turn any residence into a home with dazzling wall art to dazzle all your dazzled friends. Dazzle them with bedazzlements! Bedazzle their jean jackets! Dizzying bedazzlements will dazzle your friends.

- Here are some ideas on how to use wall art and window drapes to make your house a spicy sex palace.

- There are many creative places to wash dishes. How about in the library, on top of the books? But you can't be too loud!

- Some people want to get bookshelves for their kids. But that's crazy. Kids can't actually READ. They can't read as good as I can, at least. I can read way better than a bunch of dumb kids. They can't run as fast as I can. They can't even drive a car. What use are they?

- If you like bar stools, you should get some bar stools. Bar stools are bar stools that you sit in like bar stools at a bar with other bar stools. You'll love bar stools if you like bar stools. You'll get bar stools in your home to complement other bar stools you have.

- Want a recliner? Of course you do! Hell yeah! HELL YEEEEAAAAAAH!!!!!

- Bamboo grows over 10 times faster than most hard woods, making bamboo furniture a great way to furnish your home without single-handedly killing millions of animals. But hey, do whatever you want. We'll just leave all the dead animal corpses on your lawn, you cold-blooded animal murderer.

- Fishing can be a great way to teach children about the temporariness of life and of their own fleeting mortality. Like these fish, one day they too will die, possibly by asphyxiation.

- When I'm in the nude and visitors come to call, I wrap my body in a memory foam mattress that meshes into every curve of my naked skin.

Anyway, there you have it. As a parting shot, here is a video my friend Bridger reminded me about yesterday featuring the future worst man alive:

Editor's Note: I was also able to write some pretty incredible Area Rug Poetry for my job recently. You won't want to miss this.

Let's Get Reacquainted

2010-06-15T18:12:00.009-06:00

It's been a while since I've filled out one of these questionnaires, and I think some of you might have forgotten what I'm all about. If you read this, you are going to know exactly what I'm all about. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn more about me.

1. What color is your underwear right now? Today I'm wearing just a plain old pair of black lace French-cut panties.

2. What are you listening to right now? At this very moment I'm listening to Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison. I was looking for music that sounds like Eddie Cochran and Van Morrison was suggested to me by the Internet. Van Morrison is nothing like Eddie Cochran, but I don't like arguing with the Internet. Now I'm listening to Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. The Internet is really taking advantage of my conflict avoidance.

3. What are the last 2 digits in your phone number? 44...good luck figuring out the rest, you bunch of suckers.

4. What was the last thing you ate? For lunch I had a two day old Peanut Butter and Honey Sandwich and two packages of fruit snacks. A healthy meal for a healthy boy.

5. If you were a crayon what color would you be? I'd probably be a brown crayon. You should now have no trouble decoding the intricacies of my personality.

6. How is the weather right now? It looks like it is windy outside, but sunny. That's unfortunate, because I was hoping this building would be sucked into a black hole before I arrived.

7. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? I talked to a nice gal who was recently injured hiking. It sounds like she will be okay in the long run.

8. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their testimonies.

9. Favorite type of Food? I'm a major fan of carnita tacos.

10. Do you drink? I don't drink even a little.

11. Do you smoke? I don't smoke at all.

12. Ever get so drunk you dont remember? This question would have been avoided if this had been a "Choose Your Own Adventure" novel, thanks to my answer on #10. I would have directed away from this drinking adventure, and would have already died in a pit or been eaten by a wild animal by now.

13. What color are your eyes? A deep, beautiful blue you can get lost in all day long.

15. Do you wear contacts? I don't wear contacts for a few reasons. One is because I still have some stitches/sutures in my right eye. But another is that I had a traumatic contact experience when I was 16. I would rather someone just punch me in the eye sockets every morning.

16. Single? At the moment...but who knows how long that could possibly last?

17. Favorite Month? July is when my birthday is, and it is coming right up. We all have a lot to look forward to in July. I hope you will all enjoy celebrating my birth as much as I will.

18. Ever cried for no reason? No. Whenever I cry it is for a totally acceptable reason, like watching The Biggest Loser or seeing Kerri Strug do the pommel horse.

19. Last Movie you watched? I went and saw The A-Team. It was way more tolerable than I thought it would be. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit.

20. Favorite day of the week? FRIDAY! TGIF! EATING AT TGIF! WATCHING TGIF! FAMILY MATTERS!

21. Are you too shy to ask someone out? No. I'm too shy to do nearly everything else, but I I will ask people on dates until we are both blue in the face.

22. Hugs or Kisses? I will kiss you on the face and hug you at the same time. That is how good I am at the art of Love.

23. Chocolate or Vanilla? I prefer Vanilla ice cream with toppings. But for everything else, I can't imagine choosing vanilla. Surrender Vanilla! We don't need your tasteless wafers any more.

24. Would you rather play basketball or hockey? I'd rather play basketball so I can slam dunk the basketball. I like to score the basket in the hoop.

25. Has anyone ever broken your heart? Anna Stern broke my heart into a million tiny pieces when she moved back to Pittsburgh in 2003. Now, I fear, Lana Lang is about to rip it to shreds once again in 2010. I can't stop it. There is an endless supply of fictional women just waiting to stab me in the heart.

26. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? Of course they will. It's only a matter of time until I become a famous cartoonist. My English degree has pretty much guaranteed that much.

27. What books are you reading? Graduating in English has made me feel like I need to take a break from reading for a bit. I'm going to fill this void in my life with push-ups. Thousands of them.

28. Piercings? I don't have any piercings at all.

29. Fav. Movie? I have such a hard time choosing a favorite movie. But at the moment, I really love Best Worst Movie, the Troll II documentary. Other than that, I really enjoyed The Brothers Bloom and Amelie sort of recently.

30. Fav. baseball team? Karl Malone Team

31. Any pets? I don't have any pets. I'm going to buy a Giga Pet to play with at work. I just want to NURTURE something! You know?

32. AIM? I shoot from the hip. Next time you see me I'll be sauntering around shooting things with the butt of the gun lodged into my hip.

33. Butter, Plain or salted popcorn? I just want my popcorn covered in sodium.

34. Dogs or cats? A dog would win in a fight. But it takes two dogs and a house cat working together to hatch a crafty plan to send a mountain lion plummeting off a mountain to its death. I've seen it all before.

35. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? A net.

36. Have you ever fired a gun? From my hip. Also, I once goofed up the hearing in my right ear with a gun. Chances are I can't hear what you are whispering to me at church in my right ear. Many of you have fallen victim to my deft nodding techniques.

37. Date someone older or younger? I don't care, as long as they want to French kiss me on the mouth. But really, I truly don't care.

38. Right handed or left handed? I am right handed. I will spend the next week and a half trying to punch everyone who reads this blog in the forehead. I hope you noted this information.

39. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. One for my head. The other one is a free agent.

40. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand? Captain Hand. Everyone knows they name pirate captains after whatever is hanging off of their arms.

Editor's Note: If you'd like to see more dazzling pictures like the ones taken above, look here. They were taken by my friend Matt Mcfarland. He is a professional photographer. If you need a photographer, you should call him.

Vision is Overrated

2010-06-13T13:25:00.008-06:00

I've fallen a little behind in my blogging schedule lately. I write so much at work nowadays, and it finally caught up to me in the last two weeks. On the bright side, in the past I've always lacked the discipline and courage to write about my true passions: luggage, furniture, and kitchen appliances. Now that I work at Overstock.com, I can finally fulfill my dream of writing an endless number of buying guides on each of these three cherished topics.

However, I did write something about area carpets recently, under the chic pen name of Meredith Boone, that was kind of fun. If you want to look at it, here it is. I'm going to try to put an end to my blogging neglect. I apologize to all three of you. Meanwhile, I did write a guest blog on Roxy's blog a week or two ago. You can read it if you want, in addition to all the other swell stuff you can look at there.

Recently I had my glasses taken from me. My doctor gave me a bad prescription, and I have been forced to surrender the frames until Tuesday so someone can fit in the correct lens. This has granted me two new/old experiences:

1. I only got my glasses a year ago--and I had equally crappy vision before then--so I have a lot of experience driving without being able to see very well. What I learned is that anyone who has a little common sense and can see a white line painted on asphalt should be able to drive. My strategy of driving blind at night is, "I need to stay between those white lines, and not get too close to that big object in front of me." I think this concept of driving should be enforced more at the DMV. Instead of an eye test, they should force everyone to run headlong down an asphalt track and stay in between two painted white lines. If you cross the lines, or if you run into the wall at the end of the asphalt, you fail the test.

2. Apparently my glasses have become an important part of my persona. People find it very difficult to adjust to, or even imagine, the way I look without glasses. This is a little odd because most of the people I know met me when I didn't wear glasses. Upon interogation, some of these people can't even remember this time period. I'm going to take advantage of this by only wearing clown makeup from now on. In one year, all of my peers won't even remember how I looked before I wore clown makeup. Some won't even remember that I didn't always look like a clown. And the fact that the heavy makeup will eventually render my skin leather is just icing on the cake. Anyway, for the sake of comparison, I've attached a picture on the left of how I look like with glasses, and a picture on the right of how I look like without glasses.

Three Things to Think About

2010-05-31T17:04:00.021-06:00

I have a few things on my mind. I thought about doing them all in separate blog posts, but I've decided to combine them all in this one blog post. I think that's very efficient of me. Here are a few unrelated thoughts:

I made another song recently. I hope you listen to it and then give me a compliment. Either that, or you can listen to it and give me a harsh personal criticism on the way I dress or the way my face looks. Here it is:

This Hat by Craig Barlow Blake

The other day, I was trying to research the best way to win at Checkers. I typed "How to" into Google in preparation to then type "win at Checkers." But before I got to the Checkers part, Google suggested a few popular searches that start with "How to" in a drop-down menu. These are the searches that are typed often enough that Google assumes they're probably what you are looking for. I wish they took this opportunity to berate their patrons by putting this disclaimer next to their suggestions: "You're probably looking for this aren't you? You unoriginal simpleton. You're a sheep! You're all sheep!" Anyway, I thought it was pretty interesting what dropped down. Here is the list in order:

How to:
- kiss
- tie a tie
- get pregnant
- solve a Rubix Cube
- lose weight fast
- Train Your Dragon
- get a girl to like you
- write a resume
- download Youtube videos
- get a passport

I think this demonstrates the underlying social anxieties people are dealing with nowadays. I like to imagine there is someone out there furiously typing every one of these into Google. If we could just find that person, we could identify someone who truly represents humanity: An overweight lesbian, who desperately wants to have a baby, on her way to a job interview in another country. Unfortunately she can't remember how to tie a tie, because she is apparently wearing a suit. Also, she loves How to Train Your Dragon, doesn't really understand the complexities of YouTube, and is occasionally unsuccesful in getting girls to like her, possibly because they know she cannot solve a Rubix Cube. That is pretty much what humanity boils down to. It terrifies me how much I have in common with this lesbian. Give me a few years to forget how to tie a tie, gain some weight, and become a woman and I will be this lesbian. However, I guess it does make sense that I'm kind of like a lesbian somewhere. She is the ultimate representative of humanity, after all.

In the end, I didn't learn how to do any of those things. So wherever this lady is, she is now way better off than me. On the other hand, I could probably beat her in a game of Checkers now, so I guess it all evens out in the end.

Last, I was shown an excellent music video by Roxy the other day. I'm a sucker for a good music video, and this is one of the better ones I've seen in a long time. Afterward, Bridger showed me a pretty exciting music video. I'll embed Roxy's here, but Bridger's won't let me embed it, so watch it here.

Hot Chip - I Feel Better

Three 80's Music Video Honorable Mentions

2010-05-24T21:02:00.013-06:00

The other day I was watching VH1's top 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80's. For as terrible as MTV can usually be, it sure knows how to win me over. Every time MTV's ratings begin to drop they re-air this program because they know I'll watch it again.

MTV Peon: No one is watching our channel anymore.
MTV Executive: Quick, re-air the Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80's!
MTV Peon: Yes sir...rolling. Oh, it looks like we now have one viewer.
MTV Executive: Thank goodness. We'll stay on the air for at least four more hours.

This time I only caught the top 18, but I have slowly been patching together each portion of this program over the last year. They always show portions of the music videos, and there are a few great ones. Here are a few I'd like to give a special honorable mention.

1. Ah Ha - Take On Me

This video is absolute genius. It has danger, it has a love story, it has compelling characters, it has dated special effects, and it doesn't make me hope my brain is about to hemmorhage--and that makes it superior to all three newer Star Wars movies. In 3:35, Ah Ha managed to show me a story that was worth my time for every second. Over the course of 6 years, George Lucas made three two-hour films that not only weren't worth my time, there wasn't even one person singing in any of them throughout the entire film. Had Ah Ha directed and written the new Star Wars movies you can bet they would have delivered exactly what everyone had hoped for--three entire movies shot it rotoscope. The major downfall of most movies today is that they don't look like I'm reading a comic book incredibly quickly. That's what people want to see. This song came in on VH1's list at No. 3. Here is the music video:

2. Men Without Hats - The Safety Dance

I like to imagine this video depicts the celebration that takes place immediately after Lord of the Rings: Return of the King ends, and that the lead singer is Frodo, the woman is Giladriel, and the midget is another new Hobbit who wasn't in the movie.. This is pretty much how I imagine Middle-Earth is likely to react after the fall of Sauron. Yes, that does mean I have now referenced both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings in this one post. This is part of my campaign to give some people reasons to not want to know me. This song was on the list at No. 17. Here you are:

3. Devo - Whip It

This song features everything I care about: a cross-eyed woman wielding a gun, silent movie-style subtitles that read "Ride 'em cowboy!", and a woman literally being safely and gently whipped into her underwear. I care about those things. Even the fairly nonsensicle plot contained in this video is by far superior to the script of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Not a single one of the three subtitled lines written for this music video makes my head implode. I guess it's pretty clear which film is the best. This song came in on VH1's list at No. 15. Here it is:

Anyway, those were the three music videos that I thought deserved honorable mentions. If you would like to vote on the poll on which music video deserves your honorable mention, please look on the right side of the pane until you find it. If you're thinking about not voting, remember, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.

I've Been Writing About Bar Stools Lately

2010-05-20T18:19:00.027-06:00

If you hadn't heard, I got a job recently. Nowadays I work at Overstock.com as an SEO Copywriter.

Now, I know some people get to design exciting things at work, or build skyscrapers, or be rockstars, but few people get to write loads of paragraphs about stools of every shape and size one after another. First I got to write about backless stools, then black leather stools, then brown leather stools, then swivel leather stools...then I had to wave a tearful farewell to stools and move on to luggage. But one thing is certain: you'd be surprised about how many original things you can think to say about different kinds of stools when you really put your mind to it. You doubt this because you've never really put your mind to writing a lot about stools, have you?

Anyway, I won't go into any major details about my job, but it's working out fine. There are a few things I thought about at work today that I'd like to talk about. Some have a little to do with work, and some have nothing to do with work. However, I thought of them at work, so I'm sure they reflect the condition my mind is in when I'm thinking about stools.

First of all, the bathroom stalls at Overstock.com are exactly what I've hoped bathroom stalls could eventually be to me. You might have used a bathroom stall in your life, and if you have, you've noticed how they leave an open space about a foot to a foot and a half off the ground. I have no idea why this is necessary, but it fills me with anxiety because the people sulking around the bathroom can see my feet. Suppose someone was trying to murder me, and they were familiar with my footwear? What would I do then?

At Overstock.com, this is no longer a problem. Whoever designed the bathrooms made the bathroom stalls go all the way to the ground. I have no idea why this was never done before. Why did the first inventor of the bathroom stall think it critical to expose people's ankles? What could he or she have possibly been thinking? - "Oh no, we couldn't possibly build the stalls all the way to the ground. For one, we wouldn't be able to see anybody's precious ankles once they entered the stall. And second, how could I crawl under the stalls to attack my helpless victims without open space?" Anyway, I'm glad someone has addressed this problem. One point for Overstock.com.

Today my co-worker and friend Bridger somehow acquired a ring pop. I've decided a ring pop is a candy that requires a determined patron. It's like one of those giant jawbreakers. When you buy one, you know you are going to be licking that mass of solidified throw-up for at least three weeks. That's a candy that teaches kids responsibility. "Don't you dare put down that horrible glob of syrup until it's finished. I know I can trust you to do the responsible thing." Any child who has actually finished a ring pop or a giant jawbreaker has only great things to expect from their future. I would like to put them in a battle of wits against the kids who waited to eat their marshmallows so they could get another marshmallow.

Trident gum gives me headaches. I bought it because it claims to be good for my teeth. I wish it had continued it's advertisement, "Good for your teeth...also, makes the rest of your head and face feel like it's being squeezed in a vice." I have no idea why Trident gum has this effect on me, because I don't get headaches from other gum. I think it's a little tougher, and so I chew with added tenacity.

Today I finally dropped my '93 Ford Taurus off at Pick 'n' Pull for $240. It's been collecting dust under my carport for a few months since it broke down right before Christmas. If you live around or near the Pick 'n' Pull, I suggest vacating the area for the rest of your life. That car is like the button from Drag Me To Hell. The moment one of those Pick 'n' Pull folks wrap their arms lovingly around that cursed car they will be pulled under the earth's crust by a giant, angry demon. A special thanks to Scott for helping me tow the dangerous item to the drop point.

And those are some of the things I thought about at work today. Invest in stools, before they explode in value.

I Entered a Contest + Thoughts on Tapes

2010-05-13T11:04:00.013-06:00

So I entered a contest with the song posted below. At the very least, I was able to construct this fancy-looking tape gizmo. You've probably already listened to this song, but now you can pretend you are listening to it and it's also 1995.

Back in the day my brother and I would sit around next to the radio and record music onto tapes. For some reason, the two songs I really had my eye on were 1. Supertramp-Dreamer, and 2. Annie Lennox-Walking on Broken Glass. If there was any indication early in my life that I was going to grow up to be the posterchild of raw masculinity--someone that the Spike Network could be proud of--it is definitely my childhood interest in the music of Annie Lennox. Nothing says, "I'm a real man" like waiting by the radio for "Sweet Dreams are Made of These" to play. And who doesn't get moisty-eyed when she sings "Into the West?" How could you not? Gandalf, Bilbo AND Frodo are all going away, forever. What could we possibly have to look forward to now? Nothing.

This radio/tape recording scheme was also my first introduction to music piracy. Fifteen years later, it has become one of my greatest skills. And it all started so innocently with Annie Lennox...she doesn't look so tame now, does she? I just wish I had focused on something more lucrative than the violation of creative property. Something like accounting. Anyway, here is this song once again.

Editor's Notes:
- You can check out the actual page for this contest and my tape here. I listened to some of the other songs, and there are some good ones. All of which have much better production than mine. Give them a look if you like.
- The linked video for "Dreamer" is just a picture of a lion coexisting peacefully with a lamb. I would love to find the person who thought it was a meaningful gesture to edit this song alonside that picture.
- The linked video for "Walking on Broken Glass" looks like a social situation I could totally thrive in.

I Can Operate a Camera

2010-05-10T20:14:00.007-06:00

I graduated! That's exciting for a number of reasons. For one, thanks to my purchase of a black graduation gown, I can now put together a Harry Potter costume more accurately than in the past. Until I graduated with my bachelor's degree in English I only had a blue gown to double as a Hogwarts cloak. Now that I have acquired a black gown, the subtle differences between my outfit and a real-life Harry Potter outfit will be very hard to detect. I predict this will serve me well at least one more time in my life.

According to my math, I've been sick nearly 50 percent of the last month. Luckily, I'm back on the road to recovery. For weeks I've had nothing to do but visit my fiercest enemies and breath heavily into their faces.

The other day an actor at the University of Utah read the monologue I wrote in my playwriting class. I posted it earlier, so if you would like to read it, take a look. He did things a bit different than I imagined them, but I thought it was pretty good. But feel free to imagine it however you please. Here is the reading:

Editor's Note: I posted a picture link to the write to my musical project. You can check it out if you like. You can check it out every once in a while if you like.

Farewell to the U, and some extra credit

2010-04-28T11:59:00.008-06:00

Fake it until you make it.

I hope this bit of information is never released to the general public or society would immediately collapse. Suddenly, everyone would start doing all kinds of things they have no business doing:

Circus Clown: Sure I’m a dentist…now give me that drill and let’s get cracking…this doesn’t look so difficult.
Patient: Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! I am in excruciating pain! Aaaaah!
Circus Clown: I’ll figure this out sooner or later. I just have to keep trying my best.

Meanwhile, just imagine what a mess the dentist made of the circus. It would be the saddest circus around:

Dentist: Ladies and gentlemen, step right up! As you see, I’m riding on the back of a Siberian Tiger…aaahhh! Aaa…

This is kind of how I felt during the past two years as the opinion editor for The Daily Utah Chronicle. Although the exact details of my being hired are starting to get fuzzy, I’m pretty sure I accidentally sat in the wrong chair one day and people started demanding I get to work. I then spent two months frantically nodding my head followed by two years expecting the real opinion editor to show up. “Wait a minute…if you’re the opinion editor, then who is this guy?!”

I faked it. I hope I made it. In any case, I think I somehow averted a disaster of circus-ruining proportions. To my eternal disbelief, I might have even produced a pretty good circus.

With my English degree in hand, I have now perfectly positioned myself to become one hell of a waiter. Everything is going according to plan. And although I have been living in near poverty for years now, my graduation all but guarantees my parents will take me to dinner. Four years of hard work. It has all been worth it.

This will be my third graduation, preceded by my high school diploma and an associate’s degree at Dixie State College. I graduate as often as possible to maximize the number of times my parents will take me out to eat. I just hope this won’t be the last time. I’m bound to get hungry again. Still, there seems to be something a bit more final about this one. In one fell swoop I will soon be leaving my school, my job, possibly my apartment and maybe the state. The uncertainty of drastic change makes slogging through Spanish classes, reading Chaucer or writing an infinite number of essays on Heart of Darkness look so much more attractive than they were at the time. I fear no local restaurant can adequately express or reward the experiences I have had as a U student and in my employment at The Chronicle. My parents might have to take me to a restaurant out of town.

Wherever I end up, I’m sure my time at the U will help me get there. I say that because now the U has a vested interest in ensuring I don’t end up dead in a gutter somewhere. That would be a poor reflection on the U, after all. The headline, “U alumnus found dead in a gutter” might deter prospective students.

I have had several professors, advisers and classmates who have been valuable. I can’t thank them enough. I have enjoyed my time, and hopefully some more pieces fall together in my life post-dinner. Until then, I should probably vacate this office. The real opinion editor could turn up any minute now, and I don’t want to be here when that finally happens.

Editor's Note: I wrote this farewell column for my last issue of the Daily Utah Chronicle. There you have it.

Extra Credit

I recently stumbled across a music video that I can't stop watching. Do you remember when I mentioned that there are some people I just can't stop looking at? Well that is exactly what this gal is like. She is so unique looking, I can't stop looking at her. Plus, there is something about this music video that I can't get enough of. In addition, I think the song is a good time. It's bound to put a bounce in your step. For a really fun experience, replace her face with mine in your mind. I have done that myself several times. If you can't remember what I look like, here is a picture:

Recently for Me

2010-04-20T21:37:00.012-06:00

Let me tell you a little about my life. Today I realized that I've posted a few reprints of stuff I've already written or done in other formats. And although they were equally interesting or disinteresting as the original material, there is something about experiencing something second hand that makes it not seem quite as interesting or disinteresting as it was during the first take. So now I'm going to write down a few original, non-premeditated things that I guarantee will be exactly as interesting or disinteresting as they actually are. You might even learn something you didn't know.

I spent a good portion of my day watching Deadliest Warrior on the Spike Network. This is a major victory for the Spike Network, because although I fall within their target market of single college-aged to middle-aged men, I sort of excuse myself from their scope of influence by being a 5'9", 131 pound guy who ran cross-country in high school, excels at the Limbo, loves The OC and romantic comedies, usually plays basketball with his shirt on, and doesn't generally tune into 2 hour blocks advertising the sexiest celebrity bodies or long videos of things exploding.

But I couldn't hold out forever. As today demonstrated, my inherent, primal masculinity does occasionally become the driving force of my consciousness long enough to convince myself that I actually do want to see what would happen if a Knight got in a fight with a Pirate. I love watching this show. Basically they analyze the pros and cons of each warrior, put it in a computer, run a simulation 1,000 times, and then the audience is rewarded as actors reenact the battle, including who wins. The Pirate won. At that exact moment a group of executives at Spike Network headquarters shared subsequent chest and fist bumps: "We finally did something that reached that self-righteous Craig after all." - If you want to see the video, youtube won't let me embed it on the blog, so here it is accompanied by a song by the Goo Goo Dolls. Perfect. Looks like I truly am a real man.

Just this weekend I got sick and lost 4 pounds in just 2 days. that's a good amount for someone who recently weighted 135 pounds. I'm not exactly sure what I did to deserve this disease, but I do have my suspicions:

I had just gotten back from a Chinese restaurant Saturday night and decided to blow through a few movies. This is one of my favorite things to do. I really like sitting down and watching 2 or 3 movies starting at 12:00 a.m. or so all by myself. This time I watched King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters and New York Doll. Both are documentaries...one about the world record holders for the highest score in the original arcade Donkey Kong, and the other about the bass player for the New York Dolls who converted to Mormonism. Both were great, and at around 2:30 I decided to spice up my experience by scooping myself a really huge bowl of vanilla icecream. This was a mistake, because I think the icecream could have been poisoned. Either that, or the combination of the Chinese food, the icecream, and the sleep deprivation did a number on me. Fast approaching the age of 24, I managed to make myself sick from staying up too late and eating icecream. The next two days were very, very uncomfortable. On the bright side, shedding those four pesky pounds got me even closer to being able to slip right back into my Prom dress.

I applied to some law schools recently. I have been wait-listed at 2 of them, denied by 1 of them, and am still just waiting around to hear from the rest of them. The good thing is that if I get rejected from all of them I can finally become the sensational secretary I was born to be. I can type consistently between 95 and 115 wpm, I am very cordial on the phone, and my hair looks really neat in a bob. Until then, waiting on these schools has placed me in a transitional state of mind that I don't like very much.

I'm going to graduate in two weeks.

Today I got back a paper from a class I'm taking. I got a B+ on the paper. This is the second lowest grade I've gotten on a paper since I entered college. I can't help but feel a little bit anxious about it. On the other hand, I can't help but realize what an absolutely ridiculous person I am when one B+ makes me feel nervous. I'm a pretty insane student.

I'm broke, I'm losing my school-provided job when I graduate, and I just sent the federal government a check for $206. Luckily, the state government softened the blow by depositing $1 directly into my checking account. That was a pleasant surprise. One second I was like, "I'm sorry, but that Suave shampoo bottle is beyond my means." And the next I was like, "Wait a minute...wait...no...this can't be! Ring me up one of these Suave shampoo bottles please."

And recently that's kind of how it has gone.

Here are the trailers for those two shows I saw. You can look at them if you like.

King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

New York Doll

120 Years in Your Face

2010-04-12T17:12:00.006-06:00

Hello there. Turns out the newspaper I work for is celebrating its 120th anniversary. I wrote this column for a special commemorative edition. The rest of the page was reprints of old editorials about famous events from our archives. Here it is:

Chrony reigns after 120 years of tussles

The trick to writing an articulate opinion piece any time between 1920 and 1940 was to use the word “preposterous” every here and there. If you couldn’t think of a few things that were totally preposterous, then you probably weren’t going to do a good job as an opinion columnist until 1941. Up to that point, opinion columnists’ major function was to clearly point out to the public what things were completely preposterous, and what things were not.

At least that is what I’ve deduced from the time I’ve spent flipping through the archives of The Daily Utah Chronicle. After World War II, preposterous things—and other events that can only be described with similar exciting adjectives—appear to have stopped happening. I’m sorry to say that, according to my archival research, only a meager handful of outrageously preposterous things have happened in the past 70 years.

On Nov. 2, 1933, The Chronicle reported: “Plan for Tussle Discomboberated.” I’m even more sorry to say that, according to our archives, not a single tussle has been discomboberated since that day. Tussles have been going haphazardly undiscomboberated for years now. It’s a wonder the campus hasn’t tussled itself to pieces.

But these aren’t the only things that have been tragically lost during the past century. Once all the rage, it’s become nearly impossible to find an advertisement in the paper directing me to where I could rent a decent typewriter or acquire a Dunlap hat or frock. There hasn’t even been a single ad in the past 60 years that can explain to me the complexities and benefits of a long-distance phone call. Why, oh why has the paper refused to print these lucrative advertisements? There are desperate, hatless, frockless individuals wandering around campus with not so much as a typewriter to comfort them. They probably don’t even have the information required to call home on these newfangled telephony doohickies.

Despite the many things that have fallen by the wayside, The Chronicle is not one of them. Hatless, frockless, and without the aid of even typewriters for several decades, the paper has lasted 120 years. The rest of the page is dedicated to editorial content found in our archives. Hopefully readers can imagine what it was like reading this now commonplace information for the first time.

I just hope The Chronicle can last another 120 years, even while we face the risk of engaging in an undiscomboberated tussle. The thought of the U without its independent student voice is truly preposterous.

Two Songs, Queen Kong, and Some Tasteful Nudity

2010-04-05T17:35:00.012-06:00

I have two more songs here. I'm going to force you to listen to them. Go ahead.

Anyway, Train Robber is a recent creation. It is the most complicated one I've done yet, so that is kind of exciting. I invented Decay just over a year ago, and I re-recorded it yesterday with better sound quality. It's deceivingly hard to sing, and I understand it is a little rough. Hopefully everything else translated through. If you want to look at all the songs I have put on the internet, you can look at them here.

1. Train Robber

2. Decay

For those of you who want a little bit more out of your blog experience, here is more. Lately I saw one of PETA's "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" ads. Basically these ads feature well-known gals standing around naked with that slogan next to their picture. I guess the ultimate goal of this campaign is so that women who generally wear mink coats can look at any one of these naked ladies and think:

"Wow, she seems to be able to cover herself up with just her hands just as well as I do with this fine, mink coat. Looks like I won't be needing this anymore!"

I would love to help the cause, but I don't share the exact conviction. I would rather kill an animal with my bare hands so I could quickly skin and wear its furry pelt than wander around naked in public. Still, I have a few suggestions for ways I could help give the movement a bit of a push and still remain true to the way I feel about animals and nudity.

The first series of photos would just be me lounging around nude, tastefully covering myself with my hands to the following honest subtitles:

- I'd rather go naked than cover my nude body with a bleeding goat corpse

- I'd rather be naked in a magazine in exchange for loads of money than have my house bombed to bits by PETA.

The next photo would be a tasteful nude photo of me laying on my side wearing a cape and a pointy hat, and holding a wand demurely.The subtitles could read:

- I'd rather be a wizard than wear a mink coat

- I'd be okay with being naked if I had magical powers as well.

The last photo would be a picture of me, tastefully nude, covered only by some sort of wombat or muskrat wrapped around my groin-area in a violent fright. The subtitles could read:

- I'd rather go naked than for a live animal to be wrapped around my groin.

- If there was nothing available for me to wear except this dangerous muskrat, I would just go naked.

Hopefully PETA picks me up so they can cash in on the demographic of people who care about what I say. Believe me PETA, there are at least two or three people who listen to me. I have these people in the palm of my hand, and if you want them, you are going to need me totally naked in a magazine.

Last, here is some clips from the only movie I want to see. This looks just about like everything I've ever wanted to watch:

Queen Kong (1976)

April Fools' Extravaganza

2010-04-01T16:45:00.011-06:00

Today I have tried twice to confess that it is me that writes the infamous Mormon Bachelor Pad blog, but no one will believe me apparently. This is odd, because a few months back two of my friends who do not know each other confronted me on whether or not I wrote it, both on the same day. Not to mention all the making out I do; that's kind of a red flag. Plus, my name starts with a C, one of their names' start with a C; I have roommates, they have roommates; sometimes they talk about a girl named Andrea, I have an aunt named Andrea. You would think I'm a dead ringer. But, oh well. It looks like once again, everyone will miss this opportunity to expose me.

As everyone has figured out by this point in the day, it is April Fools' Day. I like the idea of justifying really terrible things because of the holiday, such as:

- *Craig lights his neighbor's car on fire* - "Hey, I lit your car on fire! April Fools! This is a joke! Call the fire department!
- *Craig punches a guy in the face* - "Haha! April Fools' Day prank!"
- *Craig rips somebody's pants* - "April Fools! Now you don't have any pants!"

It's really too bad that I don't have the heart to go through with any of these genius schemes.

Anyway, I've said multiple times that I'm the opinion editor for the Daily Utah Chronicle. Since it was April Fools' Day, we were able to do a special edition. I wrote a few things for the page, and I'm going to post them here for you to read. I hope you enjoy. Here you are.

Thing Number 1: The Unsigned House Editorial

Opinion page changes focus to Karl Malone

Opinions come and opinions go, but the Mailman always delivers.

After months of deliberation, the editorial board has decided to shift the focus of the opinion page away from editorial content and exclusively toward information about Karl Malone. As we phase out the opinion pieces in the section and replace it with our new Karl Malone section, dedicated opinion readers need not fear: The page isn’t going anywhere, it’s just focusing its lens on everyone’s favorite Hardee’s spokesman.

In the past, we found that opinions tend to be somewhat divisive. Sometimes, people wouldn’t even agree with some of our columnists. This is something we hadn’t anticipated, and we hope we didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Instead of dividing the campus over issues, we think it would be more beneficial to come together over the shortlived poster child of adult orthodontia. With the Karl Malone section, contention will be a thing of the past. We’ll be diving into investigative pieces such as, “How tall is Karl Malone?” and “How many baskets did Karl Malone score?” or “Karl Malone...HAMMER DUNK!”

In addition to our goal to better serve our audience, we also hope to better tap into the demographic of people who still pay a great deal of attention to Malone. These individuals have literally nowhere to turn. Opening the paper for them is nearly always a disappointing experience:

Enthusiast 1: Is there anything about Karl Malone in the paper today?
Enthusiast 2: No, it’s just about health care and stuff.
Enthusiast 1: Doesn’t anybody care!?

Our goal is to replace this discontent with the joy we know our readers will find when they open the page and discover all the stories are about Karl Malone—again.

We encourage all readers to embrace the new Karl Malone section. For those who are still a little apprehensive about the content shift, remember that Malone could totally rip your arms off. He’s that strong.

Thing Number 2: Guest Column from Ben Kenobi

I don't recall ever owning a droid, honestly

I repeat, I don’t recall ever owning a droid. I don’t care what he says. Are you really going to believe the accusations of some random Luke Skywalker, the son of Darth Vader, over me? Do you even know who I am? I know I’m wearing this Ben Kenobi disguise, but it’s me, Obi-Wan! Give me some respect. I thought, “I don’t ever want the Empire to find me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, so I’m going to change my name to Ben...Ben Kenobi.”

Sure, I know there seems to be footage documenting someone who does look an awful lot like me hanging out with this droid—R2-D2 is it?—during the course of nearly 10 years, but I’m standing by my original statement. Yes, there is some very convincing video evidence in which I seem to call this robot by name several times while we fly around in space together, but I was actually saying “Machu Picchu.” Like, “Machu Picchu...let’s go to Dagobah,” or “Machu Picchu, fix the ship.”

If you remember my statement, I only said I never “owned” the droid. I never once said I’ve never had a conversation with him. Why, I’ve talked to loads of droids. Can you really expect me to remember every one I’ve ever chatted with? Well, yes, I suppose it is possible that I spent a disproportionate amount of time with this droid in particular. I was very busy for a few years there, so I guess something could have slipped under my radar.

Oh, sure, R2-D2! He’s the one who’s always like, “Beep, boop, beep,” right? Yes, of course, we’ve had many conversations. We’re great friends. I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t know R2—is that how this was interpreted? If so, I certainly misspoke and I apologize. I have only tried to be completely up-front and honest in my career. But in my defense, technically I never did “own” him, so I wasn’t lying. He was just sort of rented out to me for a decade or so. I’m not exactly sure how that worked. One second he was the property of the government of Naboo, and the next thing I knew he was strapped into my spaceship for the next several years.

Your feelings serve you well, but bothering me with questions like this could be used to serve the dark side. Yes, the dark side. We wouldn’t want that, would we? Darth Vader could totally choke you with the Force from all the way across the room. Sooo…how about we just forget this whole thing ever happened?

Thing Number 3: A few random letters to the editor

Editor:
It’s really a shame that children don’t seem to remember what this whole season represents! This Easter, teach your kids the true meaning of the holiday—trap them in a stone tomb for three days.
Bridger Winegar,
Cookie Enthusiast, Intergalactic Sex Fiend
(Bridger is actually a friend of mine, and he actually wrote everything except the first sentence. Basically, he wrote everything in this letter that is funny. He is very funny. This was one of his tweets on twitter. You should follow him.)

Editor:
Now that I have free government health care, I’m going to surgically replace my hands with robotic guns and my face with a big, black mask. For years I’ve suffered from my unfortunate inability to assail my enemies with electronic arm cannons. I was never meant to live this way. I was meant to wreak havoc and revenge on those who doublecross me. I’m glad this health care bill will give me the tools I need to finally destroy you! I told you not to doublecross me, but you didn’t listen! Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha!
Greg Grake,
Sophomore, English

Editor:
Hey, I’m totally confused. Is anyone in the office right now who could show me where I can get on a bus? I’ll just be waiting around the Union Plaza, I guess...not a friend in the world...just waiting down here in the snow. I think I can see your office from here. I know someone is up there.
Casey Madrid,
Senior, Economics

And that wraps up all my April Fools' excitement. Although, for some reason Star Wars has seemed especially funny to me lately. I honestly love the original three Star Wars movies, but there is still a lot of funny things in them, especially in the context of the new movies. Anyway, I found this video online the other day. If you don't want to watch it, that's fine. But if you just haven't had enough, feel free to watch it. It's pretty short, and features a chatty Obi Wan Kenobi.

Launching Myself Into Stardom

2010-03-23T22:54:00.007-06:00

Well everyone, like I said two posts ago, I have a small series of songs. Up to this point I've kept them closely guarded, but I've decided to let people hear them if they'd like to. So here are two other songs I finished pretty recently. Hopefully they make you feel at least like $100 bucks.

Also, I'm not sure if any of you are on Myspace, but at the suggestion of my friend Bridger, I have opened a Myspace musicians page. I will be famous in no time. Feel free to look me up there, add me as a friend, and do everything in your power to ensure I am eventually a wealthy rock star. The link is here - http://www.myspace.com/craigblake

Once again, these are both Craig Blake originals. I really hope you like them.

1. X-Ray Vision

2. Footprint

I Like the Part About the Dog

2010-03-15T19:57:00.006-06:00

Today I attended my playwriting class. In my playwriting class there is a nice gal who I occasionally steal glances at. It's not because I'm wildly attracted to her, it's because I think she looks kind of like this person who starred in one of my new favorite movies, Amelie:

Unfortunately, she always seems to catch me when I look at her. I feel like I need to clarify each time she catches me: "Wow, wow. Don't get any ideas, sister. I'm just staring at your repeatedly because you look like a French movie star. Lay off."

This isn't the first time I've been in this kind of situation. I feel like there are occasionally people in my life that I can't stop looking at, just because they look really unique. Why can't these people just allow me to stare at them in peace?

Anyway, this girl wrote a one-act play for our class that dealt with the following subjects:

- Childhood sexual abuse
- A pimp killing a dog

I'm not saying it wasn't good, because everyone else in the class was on the verge of tears and hi-fives after it was read. However, I never have a clue what to say at the end of a play like that. They always ask for comments and criticism at the end, but plays like this leave me completely dumbfounded. Here are four possibilities that crossed my mind:

1. "I like when the pimp killed the dog."
2. "Have you thought about adding a dragon?"
3. "I really liked your play because it had a dog in it and I like dogs."
4. "That's not what pimps act like."

Final Note: I signed up for Twitter at the insistence of my friend Bridger. I don't know why I did it. I honestly struggle to understand what I'm supposed to be doing now that I have signed up. But if you want, you can follow me with the help of that button on the right.

I Wrote a Song

2010-03-08T22:35:00.008-07:00

I know I just wrote a blog titled "I Wrote a Monologue," and so "I Wrote a Song" might sound like it lacks originality. But what you don't know is that these were just my first two installments of my "I Did Something Artistic" series. Stay tuned for "I Wove a Tapestry" and "I Sculpted a Nude."

So, yes, I wrote a song. I understand this is kind of an embarrassing thing to make public. That is why I've kept this a dark secret known only to family members and a very small number of friends. I like to narrow down the field of those who openly mock me to only the people close to me. But today I'm widening that field to the general public.

I even made an album cover for the small series of songs I've written. Here it is:

Anyway, I'm going to post just one song from this small series of songs. This is going to be very therapeutic for the both of us. Please keep in mind the following things when considering this song:

- I recorded this on my computer with a free program.
- I did it with a half-broken guitar, a ukulele, and a box of pretend mariachi band instruments.

Also, as a bonus, I'm adding a song I recorded for 2008's Christmas CD that I gave to friends and family. If you missed out on it, maybe next year will be your lucky year. It isn't original. It is from The Jerk, and it was recorded with quite a bit less quality, which you will notice when you hear the static.

Here you are:

Original Song - Black Magic Secretary

Covered Song - Tonight You Belong to Me

I Wrote a Monologue

2010-03-03T09:55:00.009-07:00

So this semester I'm taking a playwriting class. I'm really having a good time, but there is one problem. Let me explain it to you.

Back in the day, I worked for the high school newspaper. I had some workstudy hours that I would use to design my pages, and it just so happened that the creative writing class also used that room during those hours. And so, for one year, I had the incredible opportunity to hear all their work read aloud.

The best thing about high school creative writing is that most of the students are horribly depressed, and most of their poems sound like this: (read in the voice of an angry 16-year old)

Black, Black, Black
My world is dying
Inside, outside, dying
Dark, Dark, Dark...BLACK
She is gone, Gone, GONE!
No one understands

And because all of the work produced by these students is so depressing, everyone is too terrified to give it any criticism afterwards, in fear that they are about to push this person over the edge:

Angry Student: And that concludes my poem, "I'm going to jump in front of a bus."
Teacher: Oh yes, that's very nice...it had...really nice imagery.

At the college level, creative writing classes--such as this playwriting class I am in--are quite a bit better. However, some of this "depressing" tendency still exists, it has just morphed into something else. Instead of writing things that are simply very depressing, I've found that people diving into playwriting are determined to write something that is really "edgy" and "dark." No matter what you write, the class' advice to you will be to make it a bit edgier.

Optimistic Student: And that concludes the story I wrote about the friendly dragon that helps all of Charles' dreams come true and whisks him away to the land of hope and candy!
Professor: You know, I liked it. You know what you should think about doing though? What if the dragon ends up eating Charles at the end? And Charles is struggling with the memories of his abusive childhood?

Anyway, our first assignment was to write a monologue. Here it is:

I Am Costco

(A wrinkled, unkempt man in his 60’s, long white beard, sits to the side of a worn-down Costco entrance holding a notebook and pen. He is surrounded by stacks of video cameras and VHS’s. His pants and clothes are torn, dirty and worn, as is the rest of him. Tumble weeds are scattered around the area as he sets up a camera, which he talks to as he begins.)

Trevor. My name is Trevor…the date is…June…the time is (looks at the sky)…daytime. Day 14,682. It seems that the world is still…(with some doubt) well…(looks around) yes, still ended. (Writes in notebook, talking under breath, pausing occasionally between words and syllables as he writes, until end of paragraph) Everything still dead…Costco secure. No zombies in sight, beginning to suspect they are not real.

(Looks back up to camera, comfortably, as if he’s done this a million times) So, apparently zombies don’t exist. I’m not really sure whether or not to be disappointed.

I thought the world would be chock full of either motorcycle gangs or zombies by now. Not at the same time, of course. I don’t think the two can really exist at the same time. You can’t be a very respectable motorcycle gang if you are constantly running from zombies. People just wouldn’t respect you very much. Every day it would be like, “Oh no, here comes Bad Rick and his gang of…” and then Bad Rick would get eaten by a zombie. See, being in a motorcycle gang would be really aggravating with zombies running willy nilly all over the place. You’d be like, “Give me all your bottlecaps!” And they’d be like, “Ugghhh,” because they’re zombies, and there’s a language barrier. You can’t make any conversational headway. And even if they don’t eat you, you still don’t have any more bottlecaps than you started with…which is the whole point of being in a motorcycle gang in the first place…to have loads of bottlecaps.

That’s the main reason I didn’t start a gang, and I think why they never really took off. Now that the zombies never showed up, I feel kind of cheated. I could have had tons of bottlecaps by now.

And that isn’t the only thing. You know the first scene of Mad Max, with those two people making love out in the middle of the desert? That would have been extremely difficult had zombies been wandering around in the desert as well. You’d have to take frequent breaks. Zombies would keep wandering right up on you! Two respectable people couldn’t even do it in the middle of the desert. But, you know what’s ironic? As it turns out, you can’t really do it in the desert anyway, because there’s no one to do it with. I’m starting to think I might have overestimated the impact zombies were gonna have on my life.

Did you ever see I am Legend? Well I’m not like him. Not at all actually. I…I am Costco I guess.

The world ended, but that didn’t seem like a good reason to skip work. I had nothing better to do, and the motorcycle gang career looked pretty uncertain at the time, so I took the safe bet and continued my job as a door greeter at Costco. (Motions with his hand at the empty expanse in front of him.) I don’t really do that much greeting anymore, obviously. But really, there never was a lot of “greet” in greeter, because my main job as I understood it was mostly to prevent people from going into Costco. I think they just added the “greet” part because otherwise it would have just been an “errrr” position. And nobody interviews for something like that--“Hello sir, are you interested in our…errr… position?” Is there a verb attached to it? Then no thank you.--See, that wouldn’t be very successful. So yesterday I had this great idea. I’m my own boss now, so I changed my title to something a bit more official. (Taps his homemade tag which hangs down to his belt.) Now I’m, “Trevor, Great and Powerful Man of Love and Light, Destoyer of Worlds, Master of Heaven and Outer Space, Warrior of Virtue, Guardian of Merchandise, Door Greeter.”

Anyway, that’s what I’m doing here...which basically means making sure nobody gets into Costco without a Costco card. And that’s what I am going to do until someone finds me. Unless of course they just want a hotdog, or a large piece of pizza…then they can usually sneak into the EXIT side without me noticing. Of course, we ran out of both of those pretty much immediately, so the people who want one are always disappointed.

We haven’t had a visitor here for a twenty or so years anyway, though. And technically he was..well…he was a dog. But I didn’t let him in. I asked very politely, “May I see your card, please?” And he didn’t have one. He stuck around for a few days until it got really uncomfortable and he left. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but those are the rules. No card, no goods. But if we had had any other visitors, you can bet they wouldn’t have gotten any of our goods without a card. Someone has to keep this company afloat.

So here I was yesterday, protecting the entrance, and then out of nowhere, I think I finally figured out what caused everything. It was the last day of work before the bombs. I was here at Costco with my friend Jessica, and there was this really short Japanese lady with one of those asian fros. And she’s like, “Are you guys Caucasian?” So I said yes, and she handed us one of these, (holds up wrapped caramel candy) and says, “We give these to people who are Caucasian.” But actually Jessica was half-asian, and it didn’t seem right to withhold that kind of information from a woman with a sack of candy, and so we told her, and the lady seemed really happy. She just smiled at Jessica and said, “I used to think I was oriental, but then someone told me I was ornamental, so I had to change my race. And I really like Mexican food, so I changed my name to Margarita.” Then she winked, turned around, and just walked away.

And the next day nobody came to work. Hmm. Anyway, I saved the candy. There was something strange about that lady. I’m pretty sure that she is somehow responsible for all this.

(Writes in notebook, talking under breath again…taking breaks between words and syllables as he writes) Lady with candy possibly responsible for apocalypse. Seeking additional clues.
(Looks back at camera) This is video record 14,627. Trevor out. (turns off camera, lights go black)

An Olympic Revelation in Curling

2010-02-22T11:40:00.013-07:00

Lately I've been watching the Olympics quite a bit. The other night it took me 2 hours to finish some homework that should have taken 15 minutes because I was trying to do it while I was watching speed skating and women's downhill skiing.

One of the things that I think is awesome about the Olympics is how I'm able to pay attention to sports that I don't care about. I don't think there is a single sport in the Winter Olympics that I take time out of my day to watch any other time of the year. But there's something about the international stage that makes every sport very important to me. Literally anything. If we don't win Ice Dancing, shame on us! How dare we let another country out-dance us...on the ice...of all places! When we beat Canada in hockey, a sport I have actively tried to ignore my entire life, I swell with pride. Even the Visa Olympic commercials beat my emotions to death. Lock me in a room with a TV airing Visa Olympic commercials featuring stories on how Olympic athletes have overcome diversity interlaced with American-winning Olympic medal ceremonies and you will find me a tear-stained, emotionless pile of pathetic the next day.

One of the sports I don't care about is Curling, but thanks to the Olympics, I desperately wanted the U.S. to win. Surely there is something in the core of all Americans that should make us superior at sliding a slab of granite across a sheet of ice. If I know anything, I know that. Unfortunately, this year's team left that somewhat untapped, and last I saw, got beaten pretty soundly by some team from Scandinavia, where children begin sliding things across the ice before they learn to walk.

The thing about Curling is that I cannot interpret the rules at all. I thought it had something to do with getting the granite block to the center of the blue circle. But 95 percent of the time they are just sliding it way short of the blue circle, and talking about, "blocking" the other team. But they do this even when the other team is already way closer to the blue circle than them. So you would think they would try to get closer to the blue circle...right? I have no idea. And I don't have a clue what the red circle is for either. And finally I realized -

I don't think there is a single person that is involved with this sport who actually knows the rules.

That's right, I think pretty much everyone who has anything to do with this sport has no idea what is going on. But they've all been doing it for so long, that they are all too embarrassed to finally admit that they don't know the rules. So although no one knows the rules, they are terrified that everyone else but them knows what is happening. The second a person makes it on the Olympic Curling team this thought crosses their mind: "Oh crap...how long can I keep this up!?"

Luckily for them, no one else knows what is happening either. So pretty much the whole sport is based on reactions. As long as you do anything, literally anything, in this sport, the only real trick to scoring well is to react positively:

Player: Yes! We did it! We totally bounced the granite block thingy against all the walls and...then...we swept it around for a bit. And that was awesome! (Oh man...I'm so screwed...this is the moment they finally realize that I'm a total hoax.)
Judge: Right. Well done. You get a bunch of points. (Oh man...this is it...they're going to find out that I have no idea how to score this game.)
Player: Oh...oh, well of course. Thanks. (Phew.)
Judge: Oh...yeah...well you are welcome. (Phew.)

Here are a few bits of photographic evidence on what is going on in the minds of the people participating in Curling:

This is a perfect example. You can completely tell that the guy in the bottom right is looking up at his teammate, thinking: "Does he look happy...yes...okay, what we did was good." What he doesn't know is that the whole team is looking at each other trying to figure out how the others felt about that last play. In this example it seems like they all got on board that whatever they had done was a good move.

In this picture, the woman is thinking, "I have no idea what I have just done...what in the hell am I going to do?"

Look at the expressions of uneasy relief. What they are trying to say with their body language is: "Oh yeah, I totally won this gold medal for Curling. You know, it's quite technical, a lot of pushing stuff around on the ice. But I totally won."
What each of these guys--especially the guy to the far right--are actually thinking is, "I have no idea what has just happened. I swear this is my last Olympics."

In 2014 I'm totally going to try out for Curling. I'm sure I can sell each move. After every push of the granite, every sweep of my sweeper thing, I would stand up with a, "Yes! I totally rocked that last thing I did," while I skate around the ice pumping my fist. I will be a Curling gold medalist.

Final Note: Please take a moment to vote on the attached Olympic Curling Poll on the ride pane. If not for me, then for science.

Love, Hate, and a Spectrum of Emotions!

2010-02-14T22:35:00.004-07:00

A nice gal named Whitney Roberts suggested I fill this out recently. I'm a total sucker for "getting to know me" lists, so I'm going to go ahead and do it. Soon enough I'm going to start taking these lists to the next level by forcing my friends to listen to me read them aloud beginning to end:

"If you're really my friend, then you'll listen to me answer the following 100 totally random questions. Let's see...have I ever been in love? Hmmm...well... --- (20 minutes later) --- ...so no, I don't think so. Okay then, number two: kissing or hugging? Hmmm... --- (20 minutes later) --- well hugging is nice, but so is kissing. It's a real tough decision, you see? -- (20 minutes later) -- ...so kissing, naturally." BANG, BANG. "I've been shot!"

The Task:
Fill in twelve likes, one love and eight hates.

- I like being unemployed as long as I have some money.
- I like sleeping on my stomach, even though that means I have to mash my face into my pillow in a state of near suffocation all night.
- I like hanging out with my 9 year old sister. This week her and I went to the ballet and saw Swan Lake. It was a good time.
- I like to make tacos. I make some pretty awesome tacos.
- I like to memorize rap songs and surprise people who don't expect me to know the lyrics. Especially Ludacris songs.
- I like to be extremely competetive in party games. There was a period of my life where I would go to Provo for parties thrown by my friend Scott. At these parties I would keep my socializing to a minimum, consequently meeting zero new people, but compete tenaciously in the Limbo. After a while, I'm sure all the return visitors were shocked and irritated by my constant appearances, "Oh, it's that guy who comes to win the Limbo again. I hate that guy. Who invites him?" One of these parties degenerated into me dancing around with a piñata panda head over my face.
- I like to occasionally watch 3 or 4 movies in a row in the middle of the night all by myself. Granted, I haven't often tried watching 3 or 4 movies in a row in the middle of the night with someone else. I'm sure I'd enjoy that too.
- I like to think about what songs and shots I would use if I was making a movie montage about whatever I'm doing at any given moment.
- I like going on long road trips with people who have good attitudes.
- I like going to Denny's in the middle of the night and getting their bottomless hot chocolate.
- I like taking jokes way too far, and way past the acceptable time period.
- When I meet someone I don't expect to meet again, I like to tell them inconsequential things about myself that are completely untrue. Like, "I'm Catholic" or "I'm from Rancho Cucamonga."

- I love being loyal to brands, activities, and television shows. When I buy groceries, I love to support the same brands of groceries. When I find a television show I like, I love to love that show no matter what kind of abuse it inflicts upon itself. I am loyal to things long after everyone else in the world has decided they are stupid. I think that's a really good attribute.

- I hate it when drivers decide to be extra courteous and wave you across the road when you are waiting to J-walk. Just follow the law you ridiculous people! I'll make it.
- I hate when Rick Sanchez on CNN introduces every commercial break with a cliff hanger after telling me 98 percent of the details. "Who do you think has been embezzling money from the tax payers? Tax payers like you, and me. Even worse, who do you think could have had the nerve to use that money to sell cocaine to school children? I'll tell you, after the break." Thanks a bunch RICK! All I can think of when I watch his segment is a flurry of dismembered arms punching him in the face.
- I hate it when I go to a party that slowly, and accidentally morphs into a dance party. I love myself a good dance party, when I go there with the intent to dance. But if you are trying to turn my perfectly normal chatting party into a dance party, then you and I are enemies.
- I hate asking people to write me letters of recommendation.
- I hate it when church hymns are played way below tempo.
- I hate it when the lady that lives next door goes outside and yells in her screachy high-pitched, 12 year old boy voice: "Here kittykittykittykittykittykittykittykitty...YODA! Here kittykittykittykittykittykittykittykittykittykittykittykittykittykitty...YODA!!"
- I hate how they never find the Monster on MonsterQuest. It's always like, "We set up some sensors in the forest! And a camera! We watched for 5 days! But we didn't see anything! But we found a track! And it looked abnormal! But it turned out to be a fox! But the fox was deformed! Kind of like the legendary monster! But it turns out the fox wasn't a fox! The fox was actually a big rat! Which completely explains it's abnormalities! But eye witnesses still swear there is a monster!" - I wish, that just once, they could be like, "We went looking for this monster, and check it out, we totally found it!"
- I hate looking for parking places when I'm in a hurry.
- I hate getting shots. My exterior looks brave. But on the inside, I'm very nervous.

A Romance For Our Time

2010-02-08T18:47:00.013-07:00

I think I should make sure everybody knows about the romantic comedy that will be happening in my life this week.

This week I will be attending three weddings in a row on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I thought that was pretty crazy, and then I realized, my day has finally come! All these years of watching movies featuring two unlikely yet perfect-for-each-other individuals fall in love by their uncanny ability to run into each other constantly has finally been matched by something equally unlikely happening in my own life. This is how it's going to go -

Wedding Number 1: Jordan Smith and Melissa Campbell

At this wedding I will just so happen to meet a girl. Of course I won't like her very much at first. Chances are she will be a waitress who spills something on me or accidentally hits me in the nose with her elbow resulting in a bloody nose that she feels obligated to awkardly mash napkins into.

Of course, we could also hit it off immediately, and I drive her home after her douchey boyfriend forgets to pick her up. I have a feeling it's going to be this guy:

Wedding Number 2: Andrew Cantwell and...the girl he is going to marry

In a shocking turn to the both of us, me and--how about we call her Meg?--Meg and I will discover we are once again at the same wedding. At this one, chances are she will be a bride's maid, or sister of the bride, or something like that. Eventually we will find ourselves in a real pickle, arguing in hushed tones under a table-clothed table while people eat above us, as we wait for them to leave so nobody knows we were there. At first inconvenient, we will find that we are forced to spill our souls out to each other.
Once again we'll head home, without contact information. Douchey boyfriend probably shows up and crashes the party.

Wedding Number 3: Nick Golden and Blair Fitzgerald

Now if this was make-believe world, it would make more sense for me to show up and for the girl to be the bride, and for me to break up the wedding. But that would make her Blair, which would screw up the entire plot up to this point. So I think it would be good for me to remind everyone at this point that we live in the real world. We are dealing with facts, and obviously that isn't going to be the case. So in reality, she will probably be a relative at this wedding, and we will once again, to our surprise and secret delight, be at the same wedding.
In some kind of major conflict, I will confess my devotion, the wedding will somehow be ruined, and there is a slight chance I'll get punched in the face by douchey boyfriend.

Valentine's Day

After one day of soul-searching for the two of us, and thanks in part to some intervention by both of our wacky friends, one of the following things will happen on Valentine's Day:
1. I will stop her at the airport and tell her not to move to the big city.
2. She will come to my apartment and stop me from taking the big job oversees.
3. I will arrive at her place of work and cleverly slip her a wedding ring.
4. I will forgive her for getting a heart transplant from the heart of my dead ex-wife.

Anyway, we will then get married, and everything will work out great. Here are two things I will be sure to keep in mind as I enter this week:

- I hope to incorporate ice skating into this week. In these types of situations, the amount of affection a girl will have for you is directly proportional to how badly you skate. If ice skating is a no-go, then I will at least try to slip around on some black ice and fall down. That is also attractive.
- I'll be sure to keep my eye out for a good nervous habit or quirky attribute. Not all, but many of these kinds of girls have nervous habits or quirky attributes that can act as a good indicator of what is going on in her head. Maybe she chews on her lip when she is nervous, or she really hates one of my favorite books. Somehow, these will become invaluable clues.

Anyway, that's kind of how my life is going to go over the next few days, so don't be surprised if I'm too busy to do anything with you. I tried to think up a good title for this next week, but I couldn't quite pin one down. Feel free to suggest one.

For Love of the Game

2010-02-05T00:01:00.006-07:00

(Before you begin, scroll down, press play on the divShare audio file, and mute it. Then return to the top. That way it will have loaded by the time you get to it. Meanwhile, see if you can discover my pun on golfing hidden slyly amongst the text.)

I'm not way into sports. I love playing sports, but I've never been a huge spectator. I used to watch the NBA back when the Jazz were in the playoffs. My dad would shoot off a scuba emergency flare after every game they won, until a helicopter started hovering over our house. The Jazz lost both years in the playoffs , broke my heart, and then the NBA lockout poisoned what remained of my budding sports fandom. Of course, thanks to Super NBA '98, I have seen to it that the Jazz have won the title several times, in the same world that Dennis Rodman has won the 3-point shooting competition year after year.
Luckily, both of my roommates are sports enthusiasts, and because they like sports so much, some people who don't know me give me credit for liking sports as well. Fore example, sometimes people walk into our apartment and see the huge March Madness board taped to the wall and think, "Wow, Craig is totally into sports. He's a real man." Also, I see quite a bit more basketball/football games than I would if I was sitting at home playing Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup (PS3) in the absence of their sporty influence. That way I can insert myself into sporty conversations that I don't really know much about:

Sports Fan: Wow, Boozer sucks! They have to trade him before the trade deadline!
Craig: Oh yeah, the trade deadline. That's a big deal. I mean, what if they don't trade him and then they get nothing for him later on? It's a real puzzler.
Sports Fan: Gee Craig, you are truly a man's man.

Anyway, thanks to my roommates, I was exposed to this awesome radio show. David Locke is the fellow who replaced Hot Rod Hundley. He has his own radio show called Locked on Sports, and right at the end of the one he broadcasted on Feb. 2 he gets really upset with some of the things the caller has said about the Jazz. Basically, the caller was talking about how the Jazz still aren't good enough to beat the Lakers, and whether or not they should get rid of Boozer (see Craig's conversation with the Sports Fan above). And here is his reply - (You have to skip right to the end. It starts at about 50:51.)

Final Note: If you like sports, I have a friend named Joe who does a really swell sports blog. Check it out. Occasionally I will post in disguise as a sports enthusiast.

Reach for Your Dreams!

2010-01-27T19:47:00.014-07:00

Two years ago I wrote a column for the newspaper at Dixie State College about motivational calendars. I basically complained that they weren't really being completely honest with us. And although they have been persuading us for years to stand on the tops of mountains, make friends, work as a team, lift heavy weights, and climb flights of stairs we once thought were beyond our capacity, they tricked us to do all those things the whole time. So I've designed a few motivational posters based on the things I wrote two years ago:

1. This is one of the most popular sayings. Shooting for the moon is a good euphamism for trying your hardest in just about any category, because it forgets to mention how horrible some of it will be and only includes the pleasant parts. "Oooooh...moon! STARS! I LOVE stars!!" For example, I used to hear this a lot when I ran cross-country. I wish they had included: "Shoot for the moon...your kidney is going to explode when you do this, and your upper thigh will be constantly exposed."

Alternative:

2. One of the most popular ways to motivate someone to do anything is by comparing whatever they are doing to climbing a mountain. This is usually coupled with a picture of a tiny man standing at the foot of a humongous mountain, encouraging him to climb it one step at a time. I'm positive this sort of method would work way better if they said instead, "Really tall mountains can be climbed five or six steps at a time, which severely shortens the journey. You'll climb a huge mountain in no time!"
Unfortunately this is almost never the case. So I've designed this...

Alternative:

3. Another fairly popular saying is, "What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." This is often coupled with pictures of Egyptian pyramids. Unfortunately they forgot one very important part of the recipe to building a pyramid:

Building a pyramid: Ingredients
- 1: Imagination
- 1: Faith
- 1: A bunch of people who will work for free for several decades

Alternative:

Final Notes:
- Before I am accused of being cynical, I want to clarify that I'm only joking. I hope you all reach for your dreams!
- Speaking of motivation, I just finished the personal statement for my law school applications, maybe I'll post it here...or not. I'm not really sure if that's an okay thing to do.
- I work for The Daily Utah Chronicle. We just started an unofficial blog where we will talk about all the things we do. For example, we might write about our weight-gaining competition, and my glorious victory in a contest of strength against a girl in our office. I will write for it occasionally, and if you'd like to look at it, you can check it out here.

A Mostly Cultural Update

2010-01-17T13:04:00.015-07:00

I feel like I've been a bit busy lately with some things that are at least a little interesting, so here are a few things that I've done:

1. I went to the Neon Trees show at the Velour in Provo on Friday night. The last time I went to one of their shows was in February, nearly a year ago when they played before Ben Kweller. And both times I have attended a Neon Trees show there has been a guy to my left who I'm certain is about to clutch the back of the lead singer's head and jam his tongue into his mouth.
It is very uncomfortable to stand next to the only superfan in the crowd. You can never be sure when he's about to wrap his armpit around your head, or slobber all over your clothes because he can't take time to swallow between words while he screams the lyrics back to the band. But despite the superfan I had to stand next to, I really had a good time. Here are some of the things I like about Neon Trees -

a. The lead singer, Tyler Glenn has a really excellent stage presence. He will stand right on the edge of the stage, he likes to kneel down and sing right in your face, he will graciously hold his pose right in front of your camera mid-song until you take a picture, he dances around the stage, and he is just generally good at getting the crowd to pay attention to him and feel involved in the show. I'm impressed.
b. The drummer, Elaine Doty, is really a great drummer. Plus, judging from one conversation I had with her one year ago, she seems like a nice gal. Plus, when she lived downtown she used to attent the church ward I currently attend about one year before I started going there. That is a major missed opportunity. We could have been great friends by now.
c. That leads me to my next point, they are from Provo, so even as they get bigger, they seem fairly interested in the Provo/SLC crowd.
d. I like their songs.

So there you have it. Here is the music video for their current single. I think it's a nice song. Give it a look.

2. Saturday was my mom's birthday. Last year we celebrated my mom's birthday by going to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. We might as well have just stayed at home and punched each other in each other's faces. I wish more than anything that I had been punched in the face for two hours in the place of watching that movie.
This year we went and saw The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. For those of you who don't know, this was the movie Heath Ledger was working on when he died. They had only finished one-third of the movie when it happened, forcing them to figure out how to finish the movie without him. At different points in the movie, Heath Ledger's character is played by Colin Farrell, Jude Law, and Johnny Depp. In addition to these four, the movie also had Christopher Plummer, Tom Waits (who does an awesome job playing the devil), and famous midget Verne Troyer--not to be mistaken for fellow midget Jason "wee-man" Acuna of Jackass fame, who reached cinematic heights by running around in buttless chaps, dryhumping all kinds of different things, and getting punched in the wiener by his funny friends.
Anyway, I think I really liked this movie. It's hard to tell, because at the end of it I wasn't completely sure what had happened. But it managed to be totally confusing in a way that made me want to go back and watch it again. The visuals are really great, and the story is pretty interesting if completely off the wall. I think it's worth seeing, but I wouldn't be surprised if you hated it. Here is a trailer:

3. Speaking of movies, I have a friend named John who, with his friend Cameron, hosts a 24-movie marathon once a year. This year's marathon concluded this morning at 7:00 a.m. I was at my mom's birthday party most of the day, but I did show up at the marathon at around 10:30 p.m. Even though I was subjected to two of the most uncomfortable/worst movies I've ever seen in my life, so bad that I shudder at mentioning them and their content, there was one movie that I really loved. It was called Amélie, and it's a French film. Obviously, we watched it with subtitles, because most of us, possibly all of us, did not speak French. Anyway, it's really funny, very clever, and I really loved it. Here is a trailer:

4. My car has started making weird noises. I have remedied this by listening to the music in my car too loud for me to hear the noises.

5. Jokingly, I suggested we should start an Anti-Biggest Loser contest at my work, and see who could gain the most weight. Somehow it has become a reality, and I'm trying to gain weight, although I can pretty much predict my eventual total failure in the competition.
Anyway, we weigh-in every Monday, and despite my greatest efforts to eat the least healthy, most fattening foods available to me, my metabolism refuses to yield.
Here is a Before and After picture of kind of how I'm hoping this goes for me:

And that's about it. I am now in the final semester of my undergrad, which is encouraging. Maybe next time I'll tell you a little bit about my classes, although I don't have any classes this semester quite as interesting/completely worthless as my magic class last semester.

I Know Now Why You Cry

2010-01-08T22:53:00.018-07:00

One of the things I'm really bad at is being sad about things. It's not that I never get sad, it's just that I'm not very good at expressing the tell-tale signs of sadness. I'm like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday, I can't really cry, and the day I really cry is the day I will finally know that I love Jude Law.

But until then, I've gathered four examples of times that I get a bit misty-eyed, in order to persuade you that I'm completely capable of approaching tears in a number of embarrassing and inconsequential ways. Here you are:

1. When Vice-President Glenn Close tells the American people in a press release to pray for the president in Air Force One. I don't get emotional when I'm asked to pray for the president in reality. It only works if the president is Harrison Ford, his plane has been hijacked by terrorists from Kazakhstan, and his family is being held hostage by Gary Oldman. Now that is something to pray about. That is something to cry about.

2. When I watched a season marathon of The Biggest Loser on the Oxygen Network. Granted this only happened once, but I remained seated on the couch for nearly an entire day watching one season of The Biggest Loser from beginning to end. When my roommate got home in the middle of an especially touching moment, I had to pretend I wasn't touched. "The Biggest Loser? What? I'm not emotionally attached to this. My eyes are not moist! Of course not, that would be totally silly! I was just flipping through the channels during the commercial break of Die Hard with a Vengeance. I EFFING LOVE Die Hard With a Vengeance." But truth be told, in spite of the fact that I weigh 135 pounds and am pretty much incapable of gaining or losing weight, I apparently have a powerful emotional response to the struggles of people who are several hundred pounds overweight.

3. Kerri Strug. Almost any Olympic medal ceremony will send me to the brink of tears, but the 1996 women's gymnastics team had Kerri Strug: the human equivalent of a three-legged dog rescuing a drowning baby. Watching her coach carry her to the podium, and then watching her sing along to the national anthem as she limped around made me want to wave an American flag over my head, and then use that flag to javelin a British horse in patriotic fervor. My 9 year old eyes were fighting for control.

4. Any sad musical montage ever featured on The OC. This includes, but is not limited to when Ryan moves back to Chino, when Seth runs away to Tahiti, when Caleb dies, when Marissa dies, when Johnny dies, and the most traumatic, when Anna moves back to Pittsburgh. This is probably the main reason why I don't really cry all that much. After watching Anna move back to Pittsburgh, everything else sad paled in comparison. Don't watch either of these videos if you want to be able to retain the capacity to express sadness in the future about anything unrelated to the olympics, weight loss, or Glenn Close.

Last of all, I put together a small collage of celebrities crying. If nothing has made you cry yet, I hope this will.

Final Note: In the quote at the top, I meant that it was said by the Terminator...not that it was in the movie "The Terminator." It was actually said in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, just for your information.